Thursday, November 17, 2011

How you found the Sauce: Part Deaux

I think it's time we pay another visit to the truck stop bathroom gloryhole that is my site statistics.  Apparently the truck stop is next to a circus freak show because this shit just keeps getting weirder.  And nastier.  Which is saying a lot because last time was pretty gross.

Again, these are completely true and just copied from my analytics.  I don't think you could actually google these phrases anymore and get to me but I certainly wouldn't recommend trying after you see some of the search terms.  But I'll start you off slow with:

"easily distracted or just lazy"
Can't it be both?

And then BAM!  Straight to the freaky shit.

"calgon removal of blood stains in grout"
Calgon, take me away from 25-life in prison.

Bitch, I'm about to go American Horror Story on your ass. Godd thing I have Calgon!
"how many exclamation marks are too many"
After 12 you really look like an idiot.

Sometimes I also run into themes - not by the same person or date but just a pattern that appears as I compile the list.  In this case

"bananacles" 


"animals with monocles"

"chipmunk monocle"
Sadly, I do think banancles actually showed up in my blog somewhere but I take no responsibility for other adorable animals with vision problems.  


"emily henderson cleavage"
Not cool, pervert!  She seems like a very sweet girl.  SHAME ON YOU.


"prosticuter sex"
I was the first and third entries!!!!  #2 was someone actually talking about having sex with a prosticute because his wife has lupus.  Awww... the internet just got personal y'all.

But then later:

"prosticution with sexy men video"
I'm the first entry that's not the sponsored youtube "vidios."  Feel pretty proud about that.  


And even more:



"PROSTICUTION IN CITY"
I'M SERIOUSLY DESPERATE BECAUSE I'M USING ALL CAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



"Unicorn etched bathroom mirror"
WHAT?!  Yes please.

"kitchen remodel bid comparison spreadsheet"
Hey!  It's nice to know that sometimes people come here and might learn something from my experiences.  Madame Lacy Sauce: 1.  Internet: 983478374928742893748327

"sucking vagina photos"
Oooh can't help you out there, dude. But I think I have some banancles around here somewhere as a consolation gift... 

"p k the shirt that david bromstad wears"
I'm not sure if they meant pink or pique but either way it's dumb because he doesn't own shirts.  Just like Jacob.  From Twilight.  Bet this googler was a Team Bromstad.

"fucking, kraftmaid, pic"
Y'all, I was totally kidding that one time I said we'd have neighborhood gang bangs in the new kitchen.  STOP WITH THE EMAILS AND GOOGLE SEARCHES!

"beautiful horse vagina"
I'm really on board with the whole 'let's all love our bodies' idea but I draw the line at sitting in a circle 1970's style with a bunch of horsies and hand mirrors.

"yeah yeah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah banana banana banana banana"
I'm on board for a banana song. But only if it wears a monocle. 

"You rode me hard and put me away wet"
I also discovered right above my special portion of this piece of internet history is a book titled "Rode Hard, Put Away Wet: Lesbian Cowboy Erotica" which I now kinda want to read just because of the extreme specificity of the sub-genre.   Yee haw.

ffffound girls without pussy
wtffff?

"albino mens"


"Alec Baldwin shirtless"
If those two had a ffffound girl without a pussy that would make for one really interesting sandwich.

snail unicorn
I WISH!!!  Only two of my my favoritest things combined!!

"need to pee on an airplane"
uh... why are you googling this?  did you think you were tweeting it but got confused? You're a shitty tweeter.

Peeing and airplanes comes up a lot because of this post about the five stages of urinary grief.  Some others include:

"airplane restroom face or crotch"
Decisions, decisions. 


"desperate pee tumblr"
There probably is a tumblr for that.



"pissing voyeur"
I was #593 so apparently this dude was unsatisfied with the first 592 results.  And I'm going to go ahead and label this searcher a dude because motherfucking duh.



"most desperate to pee"
Might want to check out the tumblr to see who that is.

"how to win mile high club sexy fuck game"
From New Jersey.  You've probably already lost.

"yearning to fly"
Dude, are you googling from the 19th century?  Who says "yearning" anymore other than asshats, time travelers and people that might want to win at the mile high sexy fuck game?

With the exception of a few "Hermes box" and "Benjamin Moore paint" searches, I'm not really leaving anything tame out.  In fact, I actually did not include some of the really bad ones.  Think about that!

Back to somewhat normal things:

"architecture fuck yeah"
*fist pump*

"glamorous travesty"
My new bio.

"how much iron out do I use to clean quartz"
I'm gonna go with zero.

"mongolian bitch"
Get some manners, Internet!

"sexist asshole" 
Well played, Mongolian bitch.

"tumblr fuck"
With or without peeing?

"sexy ninjas"
Aren't they all?  Sigh... 

'cause we get unicorn swag "are you jealous"'
Yes, yes I am.  WHERE CAN I FIND UNICORN SWAG???!!!

"fuck you tree"


"fuck you sculpture"
Sounds like someone's having a bad day as they walk around the park.


"don't touch my boobs"
That goes without saying.  Or googling.

"della shitted her pants"
Maybe Della has IBS or another medical.  YOU DON'T KNOW! 


"ironing a bed shit"
Probably pretty difficult.  Maybe Della could help.


"refrigerator smells like candle"
I know those Yankee Candles say McIntosh Apple but you can't actually eat it.

"why internet friendships suck"
Maybe you and your internet friends should read my blog and laugh together on Skype.  Bonding.

"free pornopony monk"
That pay site for the monk pornopony was too rich for your blood, huh? 

"beep bop boop I'm a sexy robot"
Of course you are.

"steam ironing my pussie with iron webcam"
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?  Oh they're Cananadian.  I NEVER want to go to Canadia.  They can't spell worth shit.

"that shit get you popped tami"
Check yoself tami.

"redecorating an old trailer home"
It's good to upcycle. 

"dildo unicorns"
Are there such a thing...??!  If you'll excuse me, I uh... have some shopping to do.

"jlo vagina"


"albino in jlo clothes"
From her new line at Kohl's or an albino that stole her clothes?  And you didn't specify if you needed to inquire about her genetalia...

"sexy single female eclectic apartments"
Yeeeeeaaahhh boooiiii!!

"sometimes you need to jump and grow your wings on the way down"
What? I didn't realize my blog was a personal development but maybe I need to rethink my focus...  After I jump.

"labia chair"


"lamp vagina"


"reading couch naughty sofa"
Where can I buy one of those?!  It would look really great with my labia chair and lamp vagina.  

"roofers are at my house and I'm horny"
What do YOUR roofers look like because mine smell like boiled ass and are missing some fingers...

"howling wolf potholder patterns"

And then just a few minutes later:


"domesticated hipster sighting"
In their natural habitat?!  The potholder must have given it away.

And to end on something truly class how about:


'"top hat" porn'
Just kidding. 


I'm not kidding about that search term but I AM going to end on something classy.  Like this fancy quote:


"truly to enjoy bodily warmth, some small part of you must be cold, for there is no quality in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast. nothing exists in itself"


When I read this I was sure Google was broken that day but then I followed where they landed and realized it WAS correct!  It was from one of my very first posts about Kelly Wearstler where I did indeed quote Moby Dick.  I called that post The KWID and the Whale which is truly the greatest design blog post title ever conceived in the 500 years of blogging history.  I must have been channeling some serious blog gods.  Ze Blods.  Too bad the accompanying post is the worst post in the 500 years of blogging history.  


I need to put all this monk pornopony behind me and start writing real shit again. 


My search terms might be more boring but at least they won't make me want to take a bleach shower to make me feel clean again.

14 comments:

  1. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!

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  2. I haven't laughed this hard since... well, since the last time I read your search terms.

    Priceless... and I know KraftMaid appreciates the shout out.

    Kitchen porn, ftw!

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  3. Bet Kraftmaid is thanking their lucky stars they aren't sponsoring this blog right now!

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  4. Heartwarming to see that even in the durty south, it is still widely accepted that New Jersey is a worthless addition to the union.

    Hate from New Yorkers is usually called "jealousy." Probably of NJ residents repeated victories in the mile high club sexy fuck game.

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  5. About as worthless as TN or AL or GA. None of us could ever win at the mile high club sexy fuck game because we're all illiterate and couldn't find where to board the plane. That's how you NJians win with your pushy attitudes and literacy!! Damn you!!

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  6. hahahaha. I think all high school seniors should be forced to take all these terms and make them into a cohesive essay. It would be way more interesting than "Hamlet."

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  7. And might get them kicked out of school!

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  8. We call those pushy yet sometimes literate folk assholes. Cuz that is what they are, pushing out the poo of the nation.

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  9. I love the sophisticated picture you paint with your flowery words. Sometimes literate assholes, take note of how it's done!

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  10. I have no clue whats going on here but im too tired to figure it out. Other than the weird shit people are googling to find you! I can already see what people type to find me:

    Bitch, bitch, foul dirty mouth, bitch, asshole, illiterate bitch, doesn't give a fuck, I hate asshole who act like their shit don't stink, asshole, winner of the mile high club sexy fuck game asshole and greek key.

    Good stuff.

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  11. Just a few days ago I got someone googling 'bri wiener' to find me so I'm guessing that you will have a lot of wieners in your stats!

    What's the prize for winning mile high club sexy fuck game, btw?

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  12. A black unicorns soul. It gives you continues awesomeness.

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