Sunday, January 5, 2014

Obligatory new year post because it pleases me.

Greetings and salutations, 2014.  I hope you're rap game: Beyonce.  I was pretty ready for 2013 to be finito as it royally kicked my ass on so many levels.

I'm labeling 2013 as one of those "growth" years which is code for life's bringing you a shit ton of Kanye's ego-sized problems but they were the dreaded "necessary" problems where you "learn" and "spiritually develop" and other important concepts that require quotation marks.

This lead to less blogging, more bitching and whining but possibly funnier tweets...?  Art is pain therefore tweet is pain.

However, I've recently learned that once again my Vitamin D levels (and subsequent energy levels) are dangerously low sooooo perhaps my devolution to human slug you might remember from this rant actually had a scientific solution!  

Ok maybe it was both scientific and spiritual.

After a few hard doses of the big D and a lot of napping I'm feeling rather marvelous as we waddle into the new year.  I'm also feeling rather bloated due to large amounts of Mexican food I've been ingesting but I think that situation is rather temporary.

Now here's the part where I talk about all my fluffy dreams, goals and resolutions for the new year.  

I, like most normal cynical people, refuse to make actual new year's resolutions because I'm too old for that shit.  All the bad habits I have at this point are inextricable parts of my personality and I view them as adorable quirks.  Besides, the fastest way to make me fail at something is to set absolutes on how to succeed.  

Usually for New Year's I will make broad sweeping statements about vague things because I believe that crystallizing my intention out loud without having a plan for following through will help propel myself towards the direction I want to go in and help begin the process of manifesting those things.  Also, it means failure is virtually impossible.   

This pleases me.

This year the only broad statement of a vague thing that felt important was to be kind.  Mostly to me but I guess y'all might benefit from this too.  After a year of misery where caring for myself - physically, emotionally, vitaminally - felt like a distant priority I think it might be nice to try the opposite.  Now that I seem to have the energy to do so.  

Who knew I was soo high maintenance with my need for nutrients and basic human desires?  Let's knock out the bottom levels of Maslow's pyramid for 2014 and focus on being nice to yourself, yes?!

If I had to put this vague idea into concrete actions for the sake of blogging I'd say this concept might include things like work on finishing that last pesky 10% of a project because I want to value completion over potential and I like it when my house looks nice, blogging about said projects without pressuring myself because I like talking to you, exfoliating more because I like my skin better that way, not swallowing my discomfort for the sake of politeness because I wouldn't ask a friend to do that for me, meeting new people because I like people more than my hermit lifestyle might imply, eating more Brussels spouts because mmmhhh cruciferous vegetables.

That sounds like a lot of absolutes but I assure you I've already forgotten everything I just wrote and will just focus on the kind part.

I just like the word, kind.

It pleases me.

I initially loved all these Andy Goldsworthy installations because they felt like portals into the future.  Futures filled with glitter and Lisa Frank sunbeams and roasted Brussels sprouts and freshly exfoliated skin.  

But then they started looking like, um, assholes...  *gross face*  ...and now I can't quit thinking about that.

It's really killing my happy, kind, new year vibe.

So let's turn sphincters into starbursts.

Images via I Need A Guide and Andy Goldsworthy
Metaphorically AND literally!

Frozen starbursts seems pretty fitting right now considering our current temperatures.

Stay warm and full on Brussels sprouts this year, my friends.

Update:  Apparently the installations can act like Rorschach tests and everyone sees something different... gloryholes, portals to hell, etc.  Use this knowledge to reflect on your own year ahead and also whether or not your are bat shit crazy or just like anonymous blowjobs in truck stop bathrooms.  We don't judge here at the Ranch.


  1. My resolution a few years ago was "breathe." So you're on a whole other plane.

    1. Actually, to "breathe" is a kindness you do for yourself so I'll probably steal your idea and just lump it under the umbrella of being nice to me. Thanks!

      And I hope you were successful (whatever that word means). ;)

  2. If they're glory holes, and I'm on board with them being glory holes, then what's the third picture? A guy in a stall with a dick coming through every wall?

    1. Sequential glory holes?! I don't know. But I think we know what your Rorschach test is telling you...

  3. Now all I see are anuses. And that was not what I saw at first. Thanks, Madame!

    My resolutions were all "52 yoga sessions in 2014" and "complete and publish 4 books" but "kind" is soooooo much better.

    Glad you found out about the vitamin D. More energy is good.

    1. You can't UNsee it! Mwahahaha!

      Wow you have much cooler plans than me for this year! Cheers to books and yoga!

  4. I went hobbit holes on most of these, except the snow ones and then I got super excited and thought: "OMG!!! Ice stargates!" It's like a stargate and an igloo had babies.

    1. Baby icegates! I think your Rorschach indicates nerd! ; )

  5. I kept getting stuck wondering who had the time to shape the tree in the very top photo. I, too, hope 2014 is kinder to your health than 2013. I hope your curse to non-curse ratio isn't affected.

  6. I haven't even read beyond this:

    "After a few hard doses of the big D"

    Is that what we're calling it now?

    Here's to a kind 2014.

    1. It was just too easy... perhaps I should set a vague goal to work on better puns in 2014?

  7. Except… In Breakfast of Champions, Kurt Vonnegut's drawing of an asshole looks like a starburst. Soo… I guess that's done. Now I can strictly concentrate on the b-sprouts.

    1. I think we have a new "glass half full/half empty" test of "is it a starburst or asshole?"

  8. Love, love, love your writing. You are the best. As always. Hoping that you having a better year this year means there's more of it for me to read.
    Selfish, selfish me.