Sunday, August 14, 2011

Who WOULDN'T want to live in the Sunday side of life?

I've been in the Ranch several *coughfivecough* years and still don't have patio furniture.  I KNOW, I know.  I do have a lone black rocking chair that I like to drink coffee in but it has a gimp side so when I rock I travel down the patio and usually spill my coffee.  Not very relaxing...  

Every year I tell myself I WILL buy furniture this year but when I find something it's always not quite right, not worth the money or looks like it came from JCP in 1997.  I at least want my patio to look like JCP 2001.
Mmmhhh... greeny.  But if you can afford this whole thing you can afford better seating.  I'm just using this as an ice breaker because I don't live anything like this.  My patio looks like this.

I just want something simple and attainable.  Like this:

So simple and attainable IN MY DREAMS because that bench is bananas.  Do you think it would work with some mint green siding??!

via Sunset
To be perfectly honest, I kinda hate benches.  A madame never looks classy having to straddle something just to eat some potato salad.  Sorry my crotch is in your face dinner guest!  But damn that yard is some serious kind of hawt!  I should send it to the guy who helps with my landscaping to give him a good laugh today.

via Martha Stewart
I don't even know why I'm worrying about this because it's hotter than the sweaty crotch of Hades and I try to avoid going outside as much as possible.  But we'll dream for next year...

coco + kelley
Get rid of the tablescaping fo sho but I could do this, right?!

somewhere on 346 Living
Obviously I need to get a long table stat.  We don't have Spring or Fall anymore so the window for outdoor No Expectations parties are limited BUT they would be hella cool.  My patio is so large I could easily seat 12+ like this and still have room for a conversation area and kitty conservatory for Charlemagne.  

via Bliss
Fuck the kitty conservatory.  I'm getting a hammock.

via Martha Stewart
Nevermind - I'm Southern so I'll trade the hammock for a porch swing.  Bonus points for the traditional AND modern planters.  Minus points for the stars because this porch obviously ain't in Texas which is the only state allowed to have stars and not look like douchebags.

via Southern Living
This is a porch of a bungalow right here in Chattavegas featured in Southern Living last year.  HOLLA!!  See the rest of the house tour here.  Getting into Southern Living is most likely on every Southerner's bucket list.  

via Martha Stewart
I could also do some string lights but if I covered my patio roof like this my backyard would glow like the Christmas Vacation house at night.

But I still would like to do it...
Most outdoor furniture is shitty quality, matchy-matchy outdated ugly and overpriced (as opposed to the super sophisticated pieces above).  It's just plastic for chrissake and I don't understand why a plastic couch is the same price as a fully upholstered one.  This is dumb.  This also shows I shop for cheap upholstered furniture.   

I think there should be a line of mix-n-match outdoor furniture just like there is with bathing suits.  You want a boy short and a halter top that coordinate?  You can get that at Old Navy.  I think... I don't wear that shit.  My bathing suit has a skirt to the knee because I'm not a whore. Want a simple modern sofa and some funkier side chairs that coordinate?  YOU CAN'T FIND THAT SHIT ANYWHERE!  So I'll just have to take care of it.  

It'll be everything you really want for your outside rooms but didn't think you could have - like style.  I don't have a brand name but the commercial tag lines will say "the Sunday side of life" and it'll show me smiling and lighting tiki torches and setting out a tray of pizza rolls on the reasonably-priced outdoor dining table before collapsing in slow motion on the stylish weather-resistant couch next to Charlemagne while I prop my feet on the non-wicker coffee table.  There may or may not be a wind machine.

My furniture line will probably be available in 2035.  By that time we'll all have scientifically engineered climate-controlled bubbles that we can put around our patio areas so we won't even need special outdoor furniture.  I better get on it...

these two via Sunset
In the meantime I wouldn't mind a patio like this.  

via Sunset
I'd be fine with a single chair that doesn't travel though...  SetiIn the middle of a disgustingly lush verdant pathway that would never be able to exist in my backyard...  CURSE YOU BLACK THUMB OF DEATH!!

You bitch.


  1. A little West Elm, a little CB2? Cheapish and cute and modern. Charlemagne's kills would probably wipe right off.

  2. I feel like every time I get together something I like from there it's like "$1000 for THAT?" But I'm supah cheap so I should probably stop complaining... Beggars can't be choosers.

  3. Maybe you could craft something. You know, from pallets.

  4. Genius. You'll be the first one to get to sit on them too!

  5. Any porch that has a swing will make my Mrs nice and happy. There is something relaxing and peaceful about a porch swing.....and a crown and coke.

  6. I see you're already familiar with the Sunday side of life! I have very fond memories of napping as a young madame on a porch swing while it rained outside - I love them! And Crown and Cokes too... ; )

    Thanks James!

  7. Make your own table and find craigs list chairs. Could be so cute! Table legs out of 4X4's, 2X6 sides and cross pieces and maybe tile top. Oooo, Paint the old chairs different colors and stencil a cheapo home depot rug and you are good to go.

    aka, deb

  8. Deb - have you ever read this blog before? Girl, you be crazy if you think I'm going to make a table! I ain't that crafty and it's best that I stay far away from certain power tools! But SOMEBODY should do your idea and make it look good and then rub it in my face.

    Currently I'm eyeballing IKEA's Melltorp dining table - it's stupid cheap! Too bad this bumfuck town's Craigslist sucks so bad...

    Thanks deb!

  9. Hey! You should visit The Sportsman's Guide. Their Lawn & Patio page has everything from furniture to fun little stuff like color changing solar lights. My husband and I were able to get a great 6 piece dining set and this great hanging umbrella for less than $400. I hope this helps =)

  10. Always looking for a new source - thanks, Anon!