Sunday, June 2, 2013

Me look pretty one day.

There comes a time in every blogger's life where she must step away from her beloved lampshades and thrift store furniture and turn her gaze inward.  Or outwards because I'm technically talking about my appearance.  The fashion part of my appearance.  I'm not jonesing to talk to you about acne and stretch marks.  

BUT JUST YOU WAIT!

I generally look like a hobo that fell into a Target clearance rack and then decided to go to work and run some errands.  I'm kinda wardrobe challenged.  I'm a designer so I figure creative types can really only excel in one area - mine is design mediocrity.  Those people that have great houses and are artists and look like they walked off of Refinery 29 straight into Whole Foods can kiss my discount-jegginged ass.  

But not before they make a pinboard of their outfits so I can dissect then copy them.



So what's a hobogirl do?  Stop spending $100 on gawddamned custom lampshades for starters.

Once I ignore the lure of lampshades and junk stores, the real issue is, well, me.  *gestures to human meat casing*

Taking Inventory

I tend to ignore my own fashion style, avoid mirrors and only focus on house stuff because:

A. I'm generally more interested in it and see above about only being good at one thing.

B. I'm really hard to dress.  

I have a body shape that can best be described as 'Melting Snowman.'  


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I think the thought bubble probably reads "I'm fancy!"

This makes me a tad unconventional but still totally fucking hot, of course.

Fashion magazines generally overlook how to dress your 'Melting Snowman' shape so I'm kinda on my own with that one.

I'm also blessed with what I call a 'Funhouse Mirror Silhouette" which means I'm exceptionally long to my waist and then squished up top.  An empire waist looks like a normal waist on me which means I really hit my peak in 1995 thanks to babydoll dresses and combat boots.  

Funhouse Mirror Silhouette is also lacking in magazine recognition so I'm left with a lot of crying in the dressing room and mild, although consistent, cameltoe. 

Which is totally fucking hot.
Welcome to my crotch.
I fucking love mom jeans because in addition to taking better care of my crotchal region,  they're the only jeans where my ass crack doesn't hang out the top.  When I'm standing. Low-rise means hip bones to y'all but pubic hair to me.  Would you like to meet my clitoris while I'm clothed?  I thought not.

For the health and safety of the public I'll take that 14" zipper, thanks.

Added to my sensual lumpiness and proportional issues is the fact that at a size 16 (give or take depending on how emotional damaged I'm feeling while in the vicinity of bagels) I can wear both straight sizes and plus sizes which means I have to shop EVERY store and department.

I've been known to wear a petite top but tall plus size pants AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  Thanks, Funhouse Mirror Silhouette.

But since I'll spend days/weeks/months trolling ebay and thrift stores for the perfect vintage objet d'art that will appear effortless coordinated to the rest of my entry console, I can spend an extra hour in that other corner of the department store.

So once I made the commitment to saying goodbye to the hobogirl I had to figure out what the hell I wanted to replace her with.  I dumped everything in my closet (it took 3 purges since December) that didn't make me feel my sauciest.  I discovered a few things:

A. I have more shoes than gawd and I don't care to part with any of them.

B. I love black and would prefer to wear as much of it as possible.

C. I need to stop pretending like I bought that caftan for Halloween only and start parading around the neighborhood house in it while sipping gin-based libations.


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"Welcome to the MS Ranch, friends.  May I interest you in a pizza roll?!"

Brainstorming Biznass

Now comes the fun part of deciding what the hell I really want to dress in a manner than makes me feel like the best damn melting snowman I can be.   I'm not really interested in making a statement with clothes but I do want to have a closet that requires no brainpower whatsoever.  I'm want a uniform.  Variations on a theme.  In all manner of neutral shades.

I'm not looking for flashy or even "stylish" or even "Hey, where'd you get that?"  I'm looking for pleasantly forgettable with an edge.

Stranger 1: "Hey, did you see that girl over there that maybe had good shoes and seemed like she might be somewhat saucy?"

Stranger 2: "What girl?"

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I happened to read this post by Gala Darling last Fall about your Style Statement and it clicked something in my brain.  The goal being a 2 word phrase (HGTV has stolen this concept a few times over...) where the 1st word is the 80% foundation of your idea and the 20% "creative edge."

After a few minutes of brainstorming I felt pretty confident my phrase is Casually-Modern Mystic.  Technically that's three but I hyphenated it so it counts.

So we have Casually:


(Looks JUST like Charlemagne although she'd never be caught in such an undignified manner.  Me, on the other hand...)

Modern:

You know you love her.

Mystic:

Bellydancer Zoe Jakes via Bohemian Punk
80% accountant, 20% Coachella.

I feel like this enchanting snowlady needs to go from a Netflix marathon to the office to a pagan ceremony in the woods with just a change of her shoes.  A witch that shops at the Gap Outlet but is too lazy for spells and shit.  Always makes time for pizza rolls though.

If people somehow acknowledged my existence in that hypothetical corner, they might be scared to talk to me because of all the black and the niggling sense that I might be carrying a 9mm in my punk-studded clutch.  But they're confused because they're eerily drawn to me because of all the tinkling jewelry that sounds like mermaids laughing underwater and think I might could have an in-depth discussion with them about their astrological chart or Arrested Development.  All of which are true.  Except the gun part.

Or maybe they just want to talk to me because I'm saying lots of inappropriate things about my clitoris in the corner and wear a lot of boring clothes so there are no distractions for the words coming out of my mouth.  I don't know...

Might be time to download the Style Journal Workbook and/or Mini Makeover Guide from my favorite style/body image blogger Sally of Already Pretty to help work out these issues.  Think I need some professional help.

In the meantime, let's start slow.  

Currently my favorite uniform is black skinny jeans and a denim shirt.
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On the weekends I change it up to dark skinny jeans and a plaid shirt.  
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I guess if I get bored I could change it up with a SEQUINED TANK TOP!

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Since I've established my (possibly sequined) ground level, maybe I could take a baby step and do this:

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I'm obsessed with blazers and already own four black ones.  Having a Melting Snowlady body requires some structure and I need some modern architecture for these lovely lady lumps.

In addition to blazers, moto jackets are taking up a lot of space in my closet this year:
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There is no way I'll ever pull of this much attitude but I approve of the black and brown combo.  I'm the queen of black and brown.

I think I'm the queen of androgynous styling too...?
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I love menswear but let's reign in the Rachel Maddow vibe I've suddenly entered into.  Not sure where lesbian chic fit into Casually-Modern Mystic...
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Ahh...  I think I was missing the Mystic part.  Fuck Coco Chanel.  When it doubt, throw on more jewelry.  Preferably not appropriated from Native Americans but you get my point.

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All this white!  I'd feel like an angel!

I think somewhere on Shiny Squirrel
I like how this looks modern and ancient at the same time.  Just like a dinosaur with lasers.  That's definitely going on my moodboard.

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Black?  Check.  Big accessories?  Check.  Casually Modern structure?  Check.  Bit of flowy stuff as a nod to a possibly hippie buried deep inside?  Check.

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I hope 'saucy librarian' also works somewhere in the mix.


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Maybe also a Civil War veteran who wears skinny jeans?  However it fits, I like it and want to look like this every day.  I also wish every day was September because I'm very pro-layers.
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This is about as much color as I'd prefer on a daily basis.  Perfect amount of layers.  Warm up this snowman bod-ay. *gestures to sexy meat casing*

However, I am trying to tap into my feminine side (it's also at about 20%) and trying to wear more dresses lately.
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Like a real laaadiiieee.  Who's also a badass.
here from Kendi Everyday
And also likes blazers!
Thick of It
Ok or anything remotely like this chick with her fantastic hair and jewelry and general badassery.

Or maybe this:
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SAY WHUT?!  Sometimes I might feel this saucy.  Like, once a year.  Putting that denim shirt to good use!

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Or maybe I'll just be 80% mystic witch sometimes.  That shops at Old Navy.  

Wildcards

Having parameters is really helpful for us style-challenged folks but there are a bunch of things that I'm drawn to that will have to make their way into the mix sometimes.  No rules.

Mila via Not Just A Label
Might have a glove fetish.  Or leather?  Bondage witch?  I feel like this is above my style skillz right now.  Will shelve for the future or leave it in my post-apocalyptic pinboard.

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I always have a weakness for a little retro fun times.  I recently acquired a petticoat and it needs to be friends with these spiked shoes.

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I'm counting this as retro but I love it so much it might need to make it's way out of the wildcard section.

Little embarrassing but I also need to develop the balls to wear this out in pubic:

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Looks great when I'm at home playing in my shoes but not sure if Chattanooga is ready for it...
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And although I'd prefer to wear black, charcoal, brown or other colors of doom,sometimes I might like to venture into the wild side. 

Artfully Awear
OF MIXING PATTERNS!

Marni
It's so wrong but it feels so right.

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I don't even know what to do with this but I love it.  It technically has all the elements I listed above but I think I could only manage it about once a fiscal year.  After a bottle or two of wine.  I apologize to my friends in advance.

And I can't forget about the Queen of Wildcards:


I might need to do Sally's worksheets and redo this entire thing to have more Bey flavor.

Prepare yourself for moodboards that you won't care anything about but will have immense amounts of shiny things courtesy of Sasha Fierce.

And probably blazers.

6 comments:

  1. You are the cool version of me that I wish I was. I have fun fashion ideas, but never the balls so pull them off. Chattanooga is not ready for the socks and heels, but I LOVE that look, and if I ever showed my legs in public I would totally rock it.

    When you're done with your closet want to do mine??

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    Replies
    1. Ha! That's sweet but misguided I think. You always look so put together! Let's have a party at my house where everyone wears whatever they want! Park or bikini. I don't care!

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  2. help me find 2 big, vintage, black w texture (or not) mid mod lampshades and i will help you not look like stiffler's mom. or a lesbian.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But what if I WANT to look like Stiffler's lesbian mom?!?!??!?!

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  3. Damn, this afternoon I was "arguing" with myself as the last times I went shopping for clothes I ended up completely fed up and buying things for the house. But this post made me realize that I really need to go out and get knew clothes. I convinced myself I'm breaking all the rules wearing light brown high boots with "light navy blue" jeans and a black coat. When the awful truth is that my wardrobe is in such state that at this moment I don't own 2 things could we wear together and do not make you eyes bleed.

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    Replies
    1. YES! It's so easy to just buy pretty things than spend a few hours crying in a dressing room. I'm sure your wardrobe isn't as bad as you think - tall boots and blazers sound hot! But I get it. Stay strong, sister!

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