Before I get on this flight I better chug 30+ oz of water because I haven't had anything to eat or drink this morning and flying always makes a Madame dehydrated. It's only an hour and a half flight and even though I have the delicately sized bladder equal to that of a newborn kitten I'm sure it'll be fine! My skin will thank me.
Christ on a cracker! I miscalculated and they just turned on the fasten seat belts sign for our final descent and I think my bladder might explode. I would have thought the fact that my vagina is completely numb due to the dangerous amounts of vibrations on this toy plane would have made this feeling less intense but I was terribly terribly wrong. I cannot believe I'm so fucking stupid as to keep reading even when I knew I had to pee!! ARRRHHHHH! *bladder throbbing* It hurts, it HURTS... I fucking HATE these airline regulations!!! Why do they discriminate against people with superhuman kidney function? I didn't choose this I was born this way! I will have a bladder pride parade up and down this motherfuckin aisle until you let me in that gawddamned bathroom!
Fucking distract yourself with something! *turns to sleeping middle-aged businessman in the next seat* What do you think would happen if I just reached over and grabbed his crotch while he's still sleeping? It's such an intimate seating arrangement I'm basically sitting in his lap right now so it's not that much different... Would he flip out and call the flight attendant over or just let it happen? I could just punch him instead... What's likelier to get me off this plane to a bathroom faster? If I go for the crotch grab and he just sits there then I'm fucked. He's not wearing a ring so he's single which means I'd then be forced into a handjob on a plane because that's the polite thing to do. Manners. What if he reciprocated and grabbed MY crotch? Ewwww!!! What kind of person does that?! I'd pee all over him for sure and although I'd win at the mile high club game that's just nasty. But maybe he's gay which would guarantee that he would flip the fuck out. But look at his that shirt he's wearing and the large quantities of ear hair - not gay. I think my only alternative is that I punch him in the stomach so they'll land the plane faster to arrest me and therefore I can pee sooner. Unless TSA is like that book I read one time about a Nazi that tortured a prim elderly woman by not letting her pee until she couldn't take it anymore and gave them information. I would crack so fast...
Dear baby jeebs in the manger, please don't let me become a airplane molester Nazi with an anger management problem that ends up in jail! I will do anything! I promise not to ever drink water again. In fact I will only drink my own urine because I believe in recycling because I love this planet so much, if you just get me to a bathroom soon... *squeezes* I don't want to go to jail for being a pervert or by breaking in-flight regulations by rushing the front cabin!!! I think you get the death penalty for that but I don't know because I never listen to the safety speech in the beginning...
I'm going to drown in urine from the inside. This is the end. I will die. I will die a humiliating death that will be tweeted all over the world. URINE IS NOT THE KIND OF SAUCE I MEANT! All this work and a Madame's legacy will be death by pee on a blogging trip. No one will ever invite me anywhere again.
Now we're just sitting at the tarmac. I can see our gate. I realize this is karma for some heinous crime I must have committed (possibly mind raping the guy next to me...?) because I'm a horrible horrible person. A horrible person punished with the burden of a miniscule bladder. I deserve this. Now's a good time to take up cutting...
Ok. I'm here and I put myself here. I can tap into my mindfulness training I received that time I read the back of that meditation book and just be in the moment. You can make it. One agonizing shaking cramping hurting bloated moment at a time. We're taxiing to the gate in the slowest landing ever recorded in the history of aviation but we're so close I can almost smell the Cinnabon from inside the airport. And if you can't make it and pee everywhere you'll just claim you have narcolepsy of the bladder. They'd believe you. These people are strangers and they'll most likely just step over your crumpled body on the floor anyway. Such is my fate. I didn't like these pants anyway.
Briefly back to Anger...
Holy frozen peeballs lady, if you don't walk faster or get your fucking child out of the way I will punch you and your slow-ass baby in the back of the head, I'm fucking SWIMMING back here!!
omigawd, omigawd, OMIGAWD...!!!!!
Spiritual nirvana was reached.
No jail time.
*blissful urinary afterglow*