Put a bush on it.

I think by now we know that I like my interiors warm and comfortably weird and my exteriors cold and severe.  

hot desert dry humps

Just like this adorably harsh California Roll house by Christopher Daniel (which probably does NOT have warm and weird interiors) sitting in the middle of the desert.  With nothing around it.  Not a tree... driveway... privet hedge.

so many facets of orgasmic bliss in  this chapel by S-M.A.O. Sancho-Madridejos Architecture via  +Mood

And look at this piece of pointy fabulosity that looks like it appeared miraculously in the middle of this scrubby desert...  Where do I park my high-mileage Toyota because I'm about to circumnavigate this beauty in the rough...?? 

Architects, you build towers of concrete and steel and misunderstood loneliness that are perfectly complimented by empty alien landscapes.  We get it.  Your buildings are so important and delicious that nothing else - not even the glory of the Earth herself - can fuck up your elevation.  

And by 'your buildings' I really mean your ego.  

And by 'ego' I mean your penis.

I know you want us to gasp at your giant erection on the horizon but I think I'm getting desensitized to proud displays on Martian landscapes.  

Make it look like people actually inhabit these places.  Put a tasteful mailbox out there.  Maybe a garden gnome.  Hell, I'll take a few angry looking cacti.  Because there IS such a thing as too much manscaping.

Take a minute and imagine what the corresponding netherjunk looks like...  Homosensuals (and some lady peoples) I'll give you a few extra minutes because I know some of all y'all really do love a Color Me Badd-looking downstairs party.  

But for the rest of us, yeah - THAT'S what buildings in the middle of the nowhere are starting to feel like. 

We've all heard that the shorter the grass, the taller the tree but you ain't foolin anyone.  We all agree that your buildings are badass.  Just put a damn shrub out there - a little greenery to soften it up.  You know, the way gawd made you.  

If you need some help with finding gawd might I suggest you sit in the corner underneath that cross and wait for the sliver of light to touch your face.

Because I like it when gawd touches my face (or scratches my back if he's in the mood and has that kind of Law of Friend talent) I was a little stoked to find this new home built by Satoshi Akada.

via Wanken (kind of an appropriate title for this post...)

Is that a jungle on top of a Brutalist house?!  Fuck yes, please! 

And that must be an angel descending from the heavens so we can play with the Slip 'N Slide on the lawn!  My bathing suit is already in an excruciatingly painful wedgie just thinking about it!

You grow all UP on that concrete wall, Vine, because that's what you were made to do!  BE your vine-ness!!  

Now, if a dude wants to shave The Last Supper into his pubic hair I don't really care because it's not my business or my body.  But after seeing this place, I can say I definitely prefer my buildings to look like the landscaper apocalypse happened about 10 years ago.  Like somehow all the gardeners and landscapers and retired seniors and high school boys that mow lawns were all strangely killed in some terrible meteor accident and yards went crazy.  But then stopped growing because I suck at maintaining my yard.

Like the scenery in I Am Legend without all the cranky vampires.  

If you're looking at these glowy Thomas-Kinkade-made-a-modern-house images thinking you're tripping on fairy juice again (you might be, I don't know your life!) don't worry - they are 3D renderings of the real thing.  They're like digital merkins, if I'm going to commit to this metaphor.

But I don't even care that they aren't real because that's how hot I am for the enchanting jungle house of modern delights.

Inside, a unicorn reads a book on an Eames lounger.

Ok maybe some things should just stay the way they are...

Madame Sunday and the Technicolor Avatar

I'm a lucky Madame because I have a great group of friends with lots of special talents (and strong muscles) that I get to benefit from.  It's the Law of Friends that if you have a special skill you have to share it with your homies.  For instance, if you have a friend that's great at baking then you get cake a lot.  If you have a friend that's great with technical stuff then they can help you set up your Nintendo 64.   

It's always good to reciprocate with your own special talents because it's polite and it's the second Law of Friends.  Sadly, I have no special talents other than being really good at scratching backs (or your scalp if that's your thing) or having a dildo joke ready for any occasion.  Funeral?  "I'm sorry for your loss.  Your grandmother lived a full and long, long life.  Seriously, that skank old.  I bet her dildo was scrimshawed."  

Sometimes if it's an especially somber funeral I can follow with a whale bone pun but that's only for emergencies. You're welcome, friend. *hug*

One of my super saucy friends and bloggers in crime - Slade Roberson - just so happens to have the power of the unicorn people for doing psychic shit as his special talent. So in accordance with the Law of Friends I asked him to read my aura.  DON'T YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME!!!!  We don't pick our talents.  Do you think I want to think about your grandmother's special hope chest or scratch your pimply back?  

Well, I do kinda like scratching...

After a glass of wine and some prodding it turns out the colors best associated with me - my general aura - (not the minute-by-minute changing one; think bigger picture) is purple and yellow.  More precisely, dusty plum and sunshine yellow.  What kind of Mardi Gras/Lakers shit is this?  

I think my friend used his powers to reach into my brain and pull out my least favorite colors.  This Law of Friends thing is bullshit!  Also, I need friends that are more familiar with the color wheel and what season my skin tone is.

However, in auraspeak (it's like unicorn whispers but with more rainbows) purples are good.  It means I'm in touch with my spiritual psychic abilities - motherfucking DUH. Gypsy fortuneteller, here!  Yellow indicates creative energy and bright yellow means my creativity shoots out of me like a Care Bear stare directly into the universe.  Well, just take a look around this corner of the Interwebz and I guess we have our proof. 

I was stoked after learning this info but still pretty fucking disappointed in the actual colors themselves.  Why couldn't my aura consist of colors I like and look good in?  Like deep teals and emeralds and plums and oh shit I do look good in purples.  Still...  Not my favorites.

So I've been sitting on this color combo of my soul spirit for several months trying to forget it.  *shakes fist at aura*  But no matter how hard I try it keeps popping up in random places - interiors I like, the graphics on wine boxes, etc.  And then this:

Thought it was time to give ye olde avatar a mini makeover and after playing around with colors, this was my favorite background.  Well poop.  I guess my friend Slade gets back-scratches for life.

Seems like the goldenplumrod color combo subconsciously worked it's way into the sauce.  OR WAS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND????!!  I don't understand psychic unicorn magic but apparently I channel it when I draw.

I guess I also subconsciously channel this:

Because of course if I'm going to subconsciously channel a hairstyle it would be from a slutty gossip that makes really good ambrosia.

Goldenplumrod is going to dominate your twitter stream for 2012, y'all.  Get used to it.  

But if you don't like it I could scratch your back...

Ladies (and wolves) get in free before 11 to the Backyard Tent of Lady Chi Magic.

Edward Steichen here

I don't know what it is but I've been feeling the ladies lately.  Not in a lesbian way (although I think my girl crush on Jessie J is about more than her glossy hair...) just in a normal 'Heeeey, girlfrin!" kinda way.  I'm just super jazzed about sisterly love and the combined power of multiple uteri.  


Maybe it's the large amount of Feminist blogs taking over my reader... 


Or maybe my twitter stalking of Your Aunt Diane has reached a dangerous level...

Devika Rani here

So when I found the tumblr Sisterwolf I spent the weekend squeeing over lady goodness.  It's an entire blog of images of ladies.  That's it.  And it's the fucking shit.

There are times when you run across a blog or tumblr and want to eat it it's just s'damn good.  So good you wish that it was yours but because it isn't you want to consume all of it at once and then spend forever reblogging it and telling other people about it.  Other LADIES about it because of the whole uteran power thingy.

I think Sisterwolf is a lot like Sister Wives but with a lot more teeth and nails.  

And jewelry...  

here

And snakes.  You fucking wear those fishnets, mama!

Katja Faith here

And some ladies that appreciate the power of good lipstick.

dancers, circa 1928 here

And lots and lots of vintage belly dancers and Southeast Asian ladies dressed up in finery.  And Bollywood stars.  See?  This tumblr is what my soul looks like if I could escape the trap of the Gap Outlet.

Maximo Ramos here

My soul in a kerchief...  Just kidding, I don't wear headscarves.  Well, accept for the Sundays that I don't shower.  NOT THAT I DID THAT TODAY OR ANY OTHER DAY FOR THAT MATTER...  that's gross.  *shifty eyes*

here

Sisterwolf makes me want to spend the weekend rereading Women Who Run With the Wolves in a tent in my backyard while wearing my full face and every piece of jewelry I own with Sarah McLachlan in the background while I snack on chicken tika masala and light candles to celebrate my lady chi.  It would probably be beneficial to do cat stretches and pelvic thrusts to spread lady chi around the gayhorhood as much as possible.  You're invited.  Bring more naan.

Sophia Loren here

There is nothing - I repeat NOTHING - that winged eyeliner can't make better.  Think of the worst thing that could happen to you like... I don't know... your grandmother gets mauled by a rabid bear or you open a bag of Sour Patch Kids and they're kinda old and hard.  Winged eyeliner would make you not even give a shit because you're too busy practicing your sexy faces in the mirror.  It's the kryptonite to depression according to my lady chi doctor.  Costume jewelry (and intense pelvic thrusting) helps.

Gustave Flasschoen here

Belly dance trading cards?  If so, I think my collection of Garbage Pail Kids just found a new home in the back of the closet next to my box of Jody Watley cassettes and that pair of jeans I only look good on the third new moon of a leap year when I haven't eaten salt in 5 days or more.  

Marquis Montes here

Circus, 1955 here

This blog of amazing awesomeness also has lots and lots of circus folk and carnies.  Awww... I have a soft spot for freaks in sequins.

here

Como se dice 'vintage badass girdles' en Espanol?  

Caspian Sea, 1963 - Pre-Revolutionary Iran here

This picture makes my decade.  I'd never thought I'd like a romper as much as I like this but maybe it looks better in pre-revolutionary Iran rather than the Urban Outfitters catalog.

Kimiko Yoshida - The Black Akha Bride here

Phyllis Galembo, Cuba here

Vladamir Clavijo, Telepneva here

Erte, drawing of horseshoe costume for George White's Scandals here

By 'horseshoe" they mean "vagina."

Julianne Johnston here

Karlie Kloss for Jean Paul Gaultier Spring 2012 here

Why don't they have wigs like this at the Halloween pop-up store in Chattanooga?  

from the circus 1870-1950, TASCHEN here

Yay for superstrong ladies!  My uterus pulses in shared awesomeness to the rhythm of a Sarah McLachlan song.  

Dangerously Dolly here

Per Zennstrom here

I gotta quit shopping at Target because my connection with my fellow sisterwolves is suffering because I dress like a lame punk.  I went to see the Jason Wu line today and it was boring as fuck.  No wonder I dress like a punk.

Elizaveta Porodina here

But there's always glitter baths to really perk up my cardigans!

predator rings here

Or these.  

It should be the uniform of Sisterwolves everywhere!! 

And will get you 1/2 off of your cover into the Backyard Tent of Lady Chi Magic.

This makes me exceedingly happy. And slightly terrified...

These creep me the fuck out.

In an exceedingly good way.

Hey, sessy lady! 

Hey, sessy um... goblin wizard?

Definitely a nun.  Or maybe a human/possum hybrid with a hat...

I'm thinking too literal - maybe this is the visual representation of that itch you get on the palm of your hand.  When you're sad.  Because of the uh... sadness.

I'm not good with critiquing art anymore.  College was a long time ago...

Gert & Uye Tobias via Lost Painters and The Breeder
originally found on Elena Cainas's supergood Pinterest

But goblin wizard nuns last forever. 

In your NIGHTMARES!

The limited edition Capezio Glock would be at the top of my Amazon wish list.

I've been thinking about color a lot lately because I've also been spending a large amount of time on Mint and realized how poor I am.  Looking at interiors make me want to shop for the Ranch and Mint has shown me the agonizing truth that maybe I should skip the junk store for ONE WEEKEND.  


Mint is a dick.  


A very helpful and wonderful service that I would recommend to everyone but a total dick.


But talking about color is FREE and doesn't make me want to shop.  Well...

I don't know where this came from... 

I don't wear orange shorts under any circumstances so we'll just use this as a reference if you want to buy this.  Tangerine tango was sooo last week but I must admit that I've somehow developed this strange fascination with pale pink.  Not just any pale pink - like a ballet pink.  Kinda yellowy.  Like if you put on ballet shoes and then ran a marathon though garbage and then peed on them that's the color I'm thinking of.

Pinterest doesn't have a lot of that exact shade but in my brain it's pretty good.

David Mramor

But I have been seeing a lot of this pink and blue together lately.  [MS sidebar: Many people feel that a pale blue/seafoam minty color (unrelated to the Mint mentioned above) should have been Pantone's color of the year.  Fly wrote a fantastic piece about it.  I don't disagree.]

However this combo above kinda makes me vomit but because it's so ugly I'm weirdly drawn to it.  I even had the same feeling last May.  At least I'm consistent.  

But back to pank.

somewhere here

When I saw this the first thing my brain said was "Oh it's PRECIOUS!" and then I rushed myself to the doctor because I was afraid I'd been bodysnatched.  But seriously, very cute things should be put in that.  Cute things like lip gloss and emergency chocolates and babies' feet. (I carry them around for good luck.)

via Comablack

here

That's not really the right pink I want but I want to live in the Flamingo Trailer Park and just wanted you to know and then you could come visit.

J. Crew KIDS skirt. Yeah, it's for kids.

I know, right!?  Fucking dusty mauve.  Peach.  Blush.  Or Bashful depending on how recent your last viewing of Steel Magnolias was...  Whatever hesitancy I might be feeling towards the pankness was eliminated with the addition of shiny gold glittery things.  Again, I'm consistent.

In fact, I went so insane for it that I gave myself a matching manicure.

It's pinkier in person but the iphone is only so good, y'all.

I'm off the deep end!  OVARY OVERLOAD!  My original intention was grey and gold but grey made my angel hands look like the hands of a corpse and so I opted for a peachy pink so I could walk amongst the living.  This is OPI's Let's Plie and Orly's Instant Artist 24K Glitter.  I will admit - there was squeeing.

The picture really doesn't do it justice - see how other people take it to the next level. It's almost as if your body is filled with so much glitter it's leaking out of your fingertips!  OR you touched something glittery and are being infected with the disease of its glittery-ness.  I don't know, you need to work on your own back story. 

But once I saw the pink and gold I went a little crazy for the girl shit.

via designsgirl

I almost wrapped some presents like that for Christmas... Shut up, you know that's pretty and you'd like a present wrapped like that!  DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!!

Every time I talk about uber femenine stuff I act all surprised like I just now noticed my Hello Kitty diary and weekends watching OWN.  (Note to self: don't forget to journal tonight!)

I should really just acknowledge that sometimes I can actually play the part of a girl pretty good and just let my vagina do the talking on occasion.  By talking I mean squeeing of course.

via wind + whale

But enough's enough.  It's time to shut that bitch up because a girl can only wear so many sequins before serious chaffing happens.  My years of dance recitals taught me that.  They also taught me how to wear enough stage makeup to shame a Toddler with a Tiara and how to glue your toenails back on to your toe 1 minute before your next routine.  Crafty.


I'm having some ballet flashbacks now...

via Yimmy Yayo

Yeah, I feel like I need a little more edge to pink.  

A little Black Swan to my Dirty Dancing. 

I would love to go to a pink shooting range!  via Dead Girls

A little Lethal Weapon to my Princess Diaries.  (AM I getting too old for this shit?)

'B' is for Bicycle by Peter Drew

A little graffiti to my pictures of kittens hanging in there.

Ashli Mizell

A little I don't know what metaphor this could be but this room makes me ravenous.

Jean Cristophe-Aumas via Poppytalk

And then there's this piece of awesomeness that looks new every time I look at it even three years later.

But what does all this dark and dirty edge mean for my perfectly pink and gold manicure???!??!?!?

Whadya gonna do?

Well, someone (I'm thinking a cat was involved) misplaced my gardening gloves so I had to just dive in. 

The glitter strengthened my nails (glitter nail polish is fortified with essential vitamins and minerals made from unicorn toenails) so I didn't break a nail.  I just went back inside and painted my nails all over again.  

Because that's how much I like ballet pink and gold.  

AND because unicorn toenail vitamins make my hair shiny and my vocabulary extra fucking saucy.