Tuesday, September 27, 2011

They don't make sunscreen for your soul.

So as of last week I’m now a 31 year old specimen of humanity (yay!) and still going to keep the “freshly 30” in my bio because I’m only 1 year through with this decade and that’s only like 7% of my thirties which is still small enough to count as fresh.  

I'm like milk that is no where near its expiration date!  Well, I should stay away from milk analogies because I drink almond milk now (FUCK YOU CASEIN!) and that shit lasts forever so I should change my bio to say “fresh like 3 week old almond milk and just as nutty!” [Insert nut and sauce joke here]

Unfortunately it looks like your math skills don’t get better with age...  BUT other things are definitely improving. When I hit 30 I discovered that the fear and anxiety of my youth were on a dimmer and I got my metaphorical hands out of their metaphorical boxing gloves and learned how to turn that switch down.  And NOT how I used to turn it down with booze or gummi bears or booze-soaked gummi bears (although those are still rather nice from time to time).

Last year I was finally able to conquer my drive-thru bank teller phobia and now I’m confidently depositing checks and picking up prescriptions like a boss.  Fuckin BOO. YAH.  (Ok but erry time I still say a little prayer/warning to the undergound pneumatic tube monster to not fuck up my Gringotts deposit.)  

This year I’m going bigger and badder than evil pneumatic tube goblins.  I’m turning inward.  *shudder*  I’m coming after YOU, Self!  And my boxing gloves are off in case you didn’t read two paragraphs before this one.  And I’m going to be proactive because apparently not all of my crippling neuroses were left behind in my twenties - it’s a dimmer after all, not an off switch.  
I bet the same electrician that fucked up my undercabinet lighting also installed my emotional wiring.  Asshole.

I’m already doing good - seems like forever ago I needed a shot of liquid courage, an hour’s worth of gangsta rap or a Nepalese strength mantra courtesy of Oprah and the Moon Goddess Emporium to find enough swagger to get me to mow my front yard in plain sight of gawd and everybody because I KNOW my neighbors were just judging my lawnmower tracks and state of my yard work clothes or... or... just looking at me.  *GASP*  The horror!

I think that person in the car just drove by and looked at me - for the love of gawd how will I go on???!!! *hides behind holly bush*

Rockwell, where are you when I need a good theme song?
Why are you looking at me Mr. BibleThumper??  Do you really keep sending me your missionaries to question my eternal salvation or are they secretly measuring my height/weight for the correct amount of roofies you’ll need.  No I do NOT want to see the new paneling in your bonus room!

Hey, keep your eyes in your own yard Mrs. SmugPansy. I see you over there in your church slacks and fancy hat on your hands and knees taking the scissors to your grass edge - do NOT think I won’t decide to quit cutting my grass just to spite you and your fellow rose bush retirees.  I’ve seen Hot Fuzz so I know what a group of seniors can do when their community aesthetics are threatened but y’all go ahead and come at me.  I’m tipsy and been listening to Crime Mobb for an hour so knuck if you buck, grandma.  Knuck if you buck.

After several years it appears my neighbors will not be bucking and are most likely not sex offenders or serial killers.  So now I just need oversized sunglasses, a hat, a long-sleeved shirt buttoned up to the neck and ski pants to feel normal while I do yardwork and protect my tender soul from their stares and possible honking.  Progress!  

And if I can conquer all that without getting trapped in Mr. BibleThumper’s newly panneled Bonus Room of Depravity I think I have the mental fortitude to be able to give up a little bit of control and walk into the daylight in other areas.

There is nothing douchier than taking a picture of yourself for your own blog.
Well helloooo, interwebs.  I’m Lacy.  You might know me as Madame Sunday, the HBIC of this here blog.  My turn-ons include long walks around Denver, eating mashed potatoes without wearing pants, fucking shitty contractors in the face, keepin it real and privacy.  I know that last part may come as a surprise since several times a week you read my most secretest inner monologue about saucy things like my bladder, other lady person parts, my shithole house and its devil magic, imaginary monsters and slew of other possibly embarrassing facts about my life.  I’m totally fine with all that - if anything, the intricacies of lady person parts imaginary monsters really aren’t discussed enough in this world.

It turns out that having an online pseudonym is really great for sharing your shameful love for cheap alcohol while still protecting your privacy.  It’s not that anything the Madame does is different from me - sometimes “she’s” more me than me - but I ain’t dumb!  Real life wants to get all up in my biznasty sometimes and we can’t be having that.  

But what the hell. Maintaining my special military-grade privacy doesn't require a pseudonym. Fabulosity might but we'll worry about that later. My name will now forever be associated with cheap alcohol and I’ll just have to live with that.  Sorry, real life job/family/friends/future self.  

It’s a good thing the 7% of my thirties helped me develop a glittery layer of over-sized sunglasses, long-sleeved shirt buttoned up to my neck and ski pants to protect my shy soul bits from the scariness of internet freaks.  Not you, the other internet freaks.  

However, Mark Zuckerberg can kiss my cartoon ass and you still can’t google me and get any results anywhere - bwahahahaha!  Except if you work at Google and then you know EVERYTHING about me and all my monsters and WebMD searches but I’d really rather not think about that...

Sometimes those monsters are real and they live underground, in your front yard or in a computer server somewhere cataloging your every interweb move. I've got my eyes - cartoon and otherwise - on you too, Big Brother!
And don't get it twisted - I'm still the Madame of everyone's favorite shithole ranch of amazing awesomeness. Now you just know for sure that I don't have a humpback. (Anymore.)

And in case you were wondering...

I decided to get all exposed today for the Let's Blog Off blogging challenge.  This week everyone was supposed to discuss their views on privacy and I totally hijacked that topic for my own selfish and nefarious ways.  Mwahahahaha!  Make sure to read all the other participant's commentaries about privacy because they will probably discuss important newsworthy things and not conspiracy theories and monsters.  


  1. Could my Tuesday have begun in better fashion? Doubtful. Holy shit this was an absolute riot - which isn't surprising in the least bit. Kudos -- and not like Kudos bars because they were tasteless and totally unfulfilling... just give me a Snickers dammit and we can call it even -- but Kudos in a congratulatory sense on "introducing" yourself. I know when I did it, I'd only be blogging for a few months, and let's just say my subject matter was a bit more bland, but I was nervous as hell nonetheless. Tis a pleasure to make your acquaintance Ms. Lacy.


  2. Love it! To me ModernSauce has always been just you talking to me about all the crazy shit that we talk about. You know in those late night phone calls, Gchat messages, old work emails chains marked "save and read when I really need a pick-me-up". You know those training wheel 20s. Now this adventure is getting ready to take it up a notch with this Tuesday Headline! Well Done Lac, well done. OK now going back to my Daily Joe....

  3. Jamey - I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED MY MONSTERS!! ; ) For reals though - thanks and I definitely want a Snickers now... Breakfast. Mmmhhh....

    Shannon - I know right?! Just me hanging out with some good friends just chattin about some sauce. Ahhh gchat/email/daily joe memories... love em!!

    Training wheel 20's - ain't that the truth! I think we started the sauce back then... ; )

  4. Yay, so proud! Now we have a face of amazing fabulousness to go with the kitchen (the red lips stand out nicely against all the neutrals). And that is why the 30s are good.

  5. Not gonna lie - it hurt a bit but personal growth, monsters, blah, blah, blah. So thanks!

    And I guess I need to start wearing that lipstick more... Damn! Color palette was not planned but leave it up to my stylish readers to notice it... ; )

  6. Dear Readers

    The Madame has many pseudo names you just wait! Now that this cat is out of the bag I should all tell you that Charlemagne has really been writing this blog and Lacy finally just busted out from the deep depths of the third dimension that Charlemagne sent her to through that weird vortex at the Ranch. It took all my glitter power to talk that white bundle of joy to let Lacy escape to Denver to fully get her 30s wings!


  7. Ahahaha! It's true. Charlemagne is the true boss of me. Whoever me really is... ; )

  8. Well hello lovely!

    I feel like I am part of your real-life so I'm not ashamed of your realness. In fact, I'm happy to have been along for the ride.

    Everyone needs a moment in the spotlight and I'll happily get off the stage for an entire 15 seconds for you to get up there and bow!


  9. Sigh... I was trying to avoid the stage and spotlight for as long as possible so you are welcome to have it back asap. I'm done!

    I'm glad you're a part of my "real life" too! ; )

  10. Outstanding MS, er Lacy!

    I find the name doesn't matter so much as the character, Shakespeare proved that a long time ago no?

    Hell, some friends once called me Larry for a whole freakin' year. I even answered to it. Funny thing about that is eventually they forgot what my real name was.


  11. My avatar suddenly feels so... flat and 2D

  12. Izzy - Thanks Larry! Yes - Shakespearean... totally.

    I'm glad your friends at least KNEW they were calling you the wrong name although forgetting your real one is kinda bad... shame on them!

    At one point I had a funny fake man name that was Larry the Lumberjack. I have a lot of names I think... ; )

    Rufus - Your avatar looks scruffy and cute! Just as a dog should. My avatar is staying the same - sometimes flat and 2D is perfect. ; )

  13. Hold up... Nick didn't make you share the stage? Wow.... you must be insanely important for him to step off the stage for a moment.

    So anyway, when I saw the Lets Blog Off topic I was thinking "man, someone's going to write about how to hide your credit card numbers and why online bill pay is so bad and where IS Big Brother anyway?". I kinda took it as a "how to keep your contractor from seeing you naked" type of topic. But I think you blew it out of the water. I mean, who else thought to post pictures of pretty ladies on their blog under the ruse of "privacy" ;-)

    Love your posts as always. Seriously, You like totally keep it real *flips hair*.

  14. Bless you, honey. The subject matter wasn't really as important as the sharing but I thank you anyway... ; )

    The LBO gang said to discuss privacy in any manner you want and I always take them at their word. I bet sometimes they wish I didn't but until they start getting more specific it's like they're inviting my tangents. Hey - these issues don't work themselves out in private! Heeeyyy-ooooo! See what I did there with the words and the privacy?!

    *delicate air kisses*

  15. Take a deep breath and try to think of something clever enough to serve as a worthy comment on this blog post, Saxon [cue the Jeopardy music http://bit.ly/o6LXbC ]! Waitin for it; waitin for it: nah...ain't gonna happen! What a blast that I stopped in today of all days, Madame Sunday; so glad I made your coming out party! [Why do I suddenly feel the need for a bag of M&M's and a cigarette (and I don't even smoke)?] Adore that you chose the topic of "privacy" for exactly the opposite. Keep on rocking and rolling; we'll all be along for the ride!

  16. Wheeee! M&M's for everyone!! Thanks for stopping by Saxon - always nice to see you here. I'm still trying to navigate my way between privacy and keepin it real in public but I figure if I have that problem so do a lot of people and I'm nothing if not a martyr for my readers! *dramatic posturing* ; )

  17. well I don't feel so left out now. i thought i was the only one who didn't "know" you. happy belated bday, Lacy, i'm looking fwd to watching you evolve. i really let loose in my 40's. that's when i stopped worrying so much about what others think and realized we're all a little wacked... it's the ones who embrace and express it that have the better lives.

  18. No need to feel left out Denese! No one really knew who I was because it wasn't really necessary or important for what I wanted to blog about. I'm not looking for fame - ugh! - only trying to relate to other poor design schmucks like me. ; )

    Keep on letting loose!

  19. Lacy...why do I feel like you might be waiting to get me for typing your name? Oh yeah, it was the email threats you made about revealing your name before GE June...hehehe...

    I love it and love the pics!

  20. Great post and so opposite of private! I know some people that know some people and I should have your full and complete dossier by Weds. They have assured me and I'm fielding offers now! Check Google news in the am!

    Great post- have to run, bidding on line has started.

  21. Brenda - I don't mind keeping a secret but it's a burden to force others too. And also kinda jerky... Thank you. ; )

    Todd - um... that thing I googled last week was totally for a friend... And everything in the past 15 years is also for a friend... I'm just really nice like that. To friends... *shifty eyes*

  22. Lacy, now everyone know what a beautiful lady you are! Some may want to go back and look at my GE June pix now & they will know you were there with us! xoxo

  23. Whoa whoa whoa! Thank you - you are super sweet, Sweet Magnolia, but I'm only giving the internet some parts of me so I can keep the other parts private... ; )

  24. What a way to end this #letsblogoff day!

    I've been saving your post for the end....because I wanted to relax to some fabulosity before visiting lala land.

    I had no idea this would be your 'coming out' day, so to speak.

    I am basking in the ultimate fabulosity experience.....I think I'll wash it down with a beer!

    Lacy, it is a pleasure to meet the person behind the avatar. ;)

  25. Drink up, honey! I'm glad you enjoyed and it's a pleasure to officially "meet" you this way too, James. I didn't really know it would be my 'coming out' day until this weekend but you kinda have to go with your gut sometimes... Or your face. ; )

    I'm still catching up on all the blogoff entries so I'll be basking in your blue collar fabulosity tomorrow!

  26. I missed the coming out party! Drat the trade show!! It is so nice to finally be able to type your name though my fingers do protest. Thanks to Jamie and Clair for allowing me to be part of the threatened group early on. Now I don't feel so special. The best part is knowing nothing really has changed. I am still going to laugh every time I read your blog posts and tweets. Welcome Lacy!

  27. The party wasn't really fancy - just my mug and some pizza rolls. And nothing's changed! Same old me. At least I hope so...

    Thanks Ginny!

  28. You think readers have more of a connection with your blog when they know you a bit more? I've always wondered that. And have heard readers connect more with you. I can't put myself out there 100%. Another reason I decided against the Nate show. Fuck being on TV. Privacy would go to shit.

    You look fabulous btw! And rock on with the red lipstick, I wear that shit erryday!

  29. What what?! I hate to hear you passed up such an amazing opportunity but I totally understand. Something will come that will be perfect for your awesomeness!

    I'm still not comfortable putting everything out there; I'm still insanely private! I guess readers will relate to ME more - I don't know...? My purpose in blogging was that people could relate more to my EXPERIENCES in design, renovating a house, etc and I thought 'me' would actually hinder that. But sometimes things chafe. We'll see what the future holds!

    And thanks honey! I need to go put some lipstick on right now...

  30. Whatwhatwhat? A real life picture of Le Madame? Well, call me surprised but I thought I had a better chance of seeing Rodney King become a Televangelist than seeing your sweet face! It's so nice to connect to your humany face... the cartoon face left me feeling like you had a scoliosis problem that needed tending to in a major way. So glad to see that isn't the case :)

  31. Why do you think you only got a headshot??!!! Don't make fun of my scoliosis!!!!!! *sob, sob, sob*

    I'm stoked about this Rodney King televangelist show now though...

  32. You are awfully cute. And those pizza roll things are still disgusting.

  33. What is that lipstick? Manufacturer and color please. You don't have to hide behind a cartoon (as cute as MS is....). Glad you're letting the world see you.

  34. It is actually Ulta's lip gloss in Watermelon - $3!! So much for my $25 Tarte stains! Anyway, thanks Allyn and nice to see you on here. ; )