Tuesday, November 26, 2013

ModernGravy does a body good.

So it's straight up holidaze time at the ModSauce Ranch, y'alll.  Shit's getting real this week.  I hope you have your Black Friday list tattooed on your forearm so they can identify you and your family should the mob overtake you.  But before that I hope you wonderfully gorge on your final meal.

I'm becoming a hermit this Black Friday and unfortunately I'm an orphan this Thanksgiving.  *cue sad violin*

It was partly by choice because my family said they didn't want to cook and instead were going to start a new tradition where we all have Japanese hibachi for Thanksgiving ISN'T THAT A QUIRKY FUN IDEA?!  So I murdered them all and am now an orphan.

Oh the things I do for pumpkin pie.

So I'm going over to my gay husband's house to celebrate Thursday and probably forever because this hibachi idea seems to have sticking power with some people I'm ashamed to call kin.

But I'm going to shake it off and build my shrine to the lady of the day:


Behold, the Gawddess of Thanksgiving has arrived!  Resplendent on her majestic steed, she waits for no man or gravy lump.  A crisp carpet of fall foliage covers her loins.  Loins which runneth over with sweet potatoes.

Cream of mushroom soup?  GTFO.  Don't even think of getting near her fruitful bounty with your tin can filled with shame and poor decisions.

Want your turkey to be moist?  You better get on your knees, son, and pray to the Gawddess that she does you right.  

So Imma try to get on the Gawddess' good side and make some butternut squash mac & cheese AND a real, from scratch green bean casserole gratin thing for Thursday.  I'm not a great cook but I tend to do alright.  I make some pretty mean grits and I don't even like grits.

However, it'd be greatly appreciated if you light a candle for me - the Orphan Queen of Gravy and Grits - at your Thanksgiving altar.  

At the very least there will be cranberry margaritas so I can get into a drunken stupor and forget everything should the need arise.

Until I'm shown the video later.

Happy Gravy Day!


  1. It's the two of us for Thanksgiving this year, so I've decided to skip the turkey (sorry gawdess) in favor of a leg of lamb. Don't worry though, I have the brussels sprouts ready to braise in cream. That tradition is eternal.

    1. I have no real great affection for turkey so I applaud your leg of lamb! I'm sure it will be divine. As will the brussels sprouts. We already know the magic of those heavenly pockets of creamy green goodness.

  2. If you are going to use the word "loins" then have the bad taste at least to include the word "girded" with the phrase. Nothing says cliche like girded loins and gravy on T-day! And the cream of girded loins mushroom soup is evil and must be destroyed.

  3. Even after the fact, this is a holiday gem of a post. Who hibachis on turkey day? Save that shit for Christmas like everybody else. THIS IS A PIE HOLIDAY, goddammit! You can skip turkey but no one skips pie. That's foolishness. That's why you dead, family.