Monday, June 9, 2014

Summer Bucket List: Moderately qualified to represent the LBC.

Now that we've officially moved into June I figured I would jump on the blogger bandwagon and write down some things that I'm interested in doing this summer.  

I'm all about trying to capture the exquisite details of the season...  soaking up the sun...  appreciating the contrast of salty language and sweet tea... learning to relish the oppressive mantle of Southern heat that readies us for the harshness of life's cruelty...  *raises fist towards the sweltering sky*

If you read that in Nicole Kidman's Cold Mountain voice it sounds perfectly affected and overdone.

Basically I'm trying to find joyful things about this hell season to avoid thinking about crotch sweat and my driveway being infested with those red mites again, gawddammit.

A summer bucket list.  


Let's start out with the easy stuff...

- Keep my car washed and shiny. Like on the INSIDE.  Where I can't just rely on driving fast through the rain.  

- Make a mix cd (hey, my car is old as well as dirty) but it'll only include Doin' Time (Summertime) by Sublime.  It's the only music I needed in 1996 and the only music I need now.

- Dance to the rhythm.  It gets harder.

- Try to use cut flowers in my house sometimes even though I'm not a big flower person.  I mean, I'm not a giant humonoid/flower hybrid sentient being but I also don't really respond to cut flowers.  They die.  And frankly, I can kill a non-flowering plant rull easy and it's cheaper.  But maybe I'll pretend to be girly and elegant and grab a bouquet at the neighborhood market (Costco) for something different. This seems summery and fun.

- See lots of terrible movies just so I can sit in a deliciously cold movie theater on the hottest days in a sweater.  A summer sweater.  One of my most favorite things in the world for no reason I can come up with.  Like ice cream in winter or arson in Spring.

- Learn how to wear a headwrap with charm.  Frankly, I'm a dirty person on the weekends right now.  I'm in the yard a lot therefore I'm sweaty and have gross hair and when someone calls me to have a margarita or I need to run to the store for emergency bags of dirt I don't have time to "dress up" or "bathe." I'm thirsty NOW.  

Something vintage like this:

via Seamless
This girl is the cutest and she's gonna learn me real good.

- Get soaked in the summer rain. You smell mineral-y and when you dry your hair and skin feel amazing.  Not a substitute for actual bathing (me or my car) but can work pre-headwrap if I'm in a rush, of course.

- Lay on diving board with nothing on but pink fur.  Get 80-yr-old neighbor to Instagram me.

June Wilkinson, Hi-Life, November 1959

- Or at least recreate this.

The Birth of Suburbia by Rosaleen Ryan
- Hell, I want to GET IN SOME WATER!  I love love LOVE to swim - well, it's more like water twirling than stroking for a purpose [MS sidebar: *arches brow*] - but I never get to do it anymore.  I am not above splashing around in a kiddie pool. 

-  As a child/college student I would always follow swimming adventures with a box of mac and cheese so I'm turning this kiddie pool into a white trash extravaganza.  Throw in a Dr. Thunder and we 'bout to get turnt up at the Ranch, y'all.

- I think I want to get beautified this summer and do some pampering.  I love what sweating, heat and vitamin D does for my skin so I'm gonna focus on making my skin beautiful.  I already take prescription amounts of the big D so now all I have to do is use tons of clay masks and rub a sliced lemon all over my body every morning at dawn while I chant to the morning sun.

- Chant at the morning sun until my mind is quiet and the cops are called.

- Make time for reading books in the middle of the day and not 20 minutes before bedtime when I can't comprehend anything.  Hey Self, might I recommend reading in the kiddie pool you're going to acquire?  Self, you are so smart.

- Drink dirty chai lattes so much I'm embarrassed to even face my barista and bank account.  (SPOILER ALERT: I'm halfway there!)

- I love a day trip and I KNOW you love my Instagrams of abandoned sheds all over the Tennessee valley so I'll try to document the other sheds I haven't seen yet.  Also, I hear there's a really weird rock about two hours away... can't wait!  

- Make all those cocktails that I have pinned.  Drink them myself.  None for you.

Yes. It's called the Tennessee Honey Hole... I'll drink it just for the name alone even if it's bad.
- Call Neil deGrasse Tyson and figure out the magic behind avocado toast. Bitches love avocado toast.

- I'm all about smells lately so I've been laying awake at night thinking about crafting my own essential oil blends.  I would like to smell like a forest full of magic and centaur musk but fresh and girly with notes of citrus and girl power.

- Dress like a white witch. Scare everyone with how nice I am and how good I smell.

- Start selling some things on Etsy.  It's getting a little ridiculous around here and I'll need to come up with the money for the kiddie pool and boxes of mac and cheese.

- From the ashes of the plants I lost over the summer, I'll turn into a phoenix and fly into the sun where my spirit will live forever and haunt you next summer.

If there's anything good on your summer bucket list let me know so I can steal it!


  1. Thats not a headscarf. GELE, now yo talkin. Seriously, I's mad about learning how to tie these, they are so garfunkely cool.
    There, thats free that one, on the house. As it were.

    1. I'm laughing so hard over 'garfunkely.' Thanks for the education in headscarves! I DID learn something new today! I had to google it and now have mad respect for that kind of intricate scarfitude. It might be hard to do one quickly for a margarita but it has the drama I like. But cultural appropriation...? :-/