We made it through winter! Most of us...

We're in that lovely transition period on the way to Spring (shit, we're here already!) where I refuse to wear my coat no matter how cold it is but can't bring myself to wear sandals no matter how hot it is.  Ahh, the mercurial tornado season.  

Here's how I survived this brutal winter and am transitioning into Shpringtime.  Yes, it requires its own transition period.  With lots of exfoliating.

Only a few things got me through the worst part of the winter when I was sure we were going straight into the Ice Age end times: Uptown Funk (on a spiritual level) and hellebores. 

Jade Star here

These jade beauties are not mine but they might be soon. THESE are mine that I got last Fall at our plant swap.   And they ain't doin' too bad - yay me!  The best thing about hellebores (other than they can survive an almost-ice age and terrible track record) is that just when you think things are the worst - day after day of wet, grey winter death - here they come with green sprouts in the snow.  See?  There IS hope and we are not destined to die in a dirty snow drift only to be discovered in March.  Hit your hallelujah, indeed.

About this time of year I have to burn up all my winter candles because it fucks with my brain to have a cinnamon harvest amber pumpkin fuckfest smell while the windows are open and it's 80.  Which is why I'm suggesting everyone buy the official (not official) Dumbledore's Office ($16) candle!

Oh apparently it's HEADMASTER'S Office now. Probably copyright issues...

I've had this on my wish list for YEARS but I bought myself one for Christmas and couldn't be happier.  It smells warm and woody but fresh and slightly lemony.  (I swear there was lavender in there but it not sure about the new formula description...?)  Perfect for Winter and Spring.  Hell, burn it all year.  Will not disappoint.  Because it's wizard magic, obviously.

Speaking of winter scents, I found this perfume oil ($8)at a local craft fair in the Fall and have been drawing sigils on myself with it every day.

I made that black smudge...  I swear the packaging is nice.

It really smells how a dreamy bonfire smells at night when you feel like you're in a car commercial and not the morning after bonfire that smells like you burned a squirrel alive and swaddled the carcass with your cardigan. And as it fades it smells like a smokey cupcake at the end of the day.  Maybe that's just my chemistry.  All of her scents are warm and fresh but all lovely - I also have Lolita - so buy in bulk, y'all!

UPDATE: It looks like she's sold out of the Bonfire but check out her other scents here.  She's probably just adding more stock.  I HOPE.

Speaking of smokey sweets for the winter, I don't have this but I waaaant it.

Smoked Tea Vanilla cocktail syrup ($19) is what we all need in our life.  I might put it in my oatmeal because I'm a beast like that.  Haha just kidding I mean whiskey.  Whiskey oatmeal?!  

I was recently introduced to chocolate bitters and I think my life has been changed.  Several people then mentioned the magic of celery bitters to me so obviously I need to be educated.  Whiskey and chocolate bitters in the winter and now I think my Shpring will be filled with celery bitters and a rainbow of other flavors!  And booze, obvi. Bitters all the year round!  If you got a good recipe send it my way.  

I had planned to do large amounts of baking and spend intense days in the kitchen on elaborate French recipes with strategic bits of flour on my nose but mostly I ate Ramen.  Hear me out.

Ramen seems to be trendy again just like other low-brow items from my youth like acid-washed jeans and Pop-Tarts. 

I was sick this winter and bought a case (I was sick a lot) as a desperate substitute for chicken broth.  I needed to retain fluid anyway...  I think I ate one pack the regular way like we did in college BUT I discovered if you throw away the seasoning packet the noodles are so cheap that it's almost painful not to use them in another way.  

So then I started making noodle bowls out of stock and soy and fish sauce and/or curry and coconut milk sometimes.  Throw in a bunch of veggies and maybe meat and if's probably the fanciest thing my cereal bowls have seen in a while.  

If you need some more specific direction than that last sentence (I did - Asian flavors are not my comfort zone) try this slow cooker pork ramen which was amazing or Lady and Pups has a lot of noodle ideas: Spicy Miso Ramen and Vampire Slayer Ramen Express and Bunker Crack Slurp.  She also feels no shame about eating some ramen with even "trashier" ingredients and she's a real food blog so I think that makes it okay.  Or maybe we should all stop judging food choices?

Which is a great idea because I'm not done with ramen.  For Spring I'm transitioning to ramen salads and maybe this spicy shrimp and guacamole ramen what?!  I was going to write a sentence about how America is further bastardizing this "garbage food" for the purpose of our Independence Day cookouts but NO I'm not shaming you or me for food choices anymore.  In fact, I made this Paula Deen ramen broccoli slaw and will admit I enjoyed it.   

It's still okay to shame Paula Deen though.

But I still might make it again for this summer's hot dog party!

All the money you saved on food by eating ramen means you can now buy yourself something nice to wear!  I'm a daily scarf wearer - it's my winter uniform and I feel cold and naked without one.  I also like to sink my head inside like a turtle when I feel threatened or want to nap.  In twenty years we're going to look back and think "Why the fuck did we wear a giant scarf INSIDE all day?" But for now I'm cozy and committed.  

I convinced my mom to crochet me a few after showing her the Outlander pics we talked about last Fall.  AND SHE DID!  Here and here.  I love them but it's getting a little warm for a double-wrapped infinity scarf made of love and thick acrylic.  Fortunately, these by Scarfshop piqued my interest the other day.

here

They come in a variety of hand-dyed colors and are really affordable: $30 for a "small" size (27"x108") and $60 for the large (54"x108").  I saw a tiny scarf half the size of the "small" at J. Crew last week for $55 so might as well get a giant cape made of clouds instead!  I'm part of the Scarf All Year club.  I have a weird, short neck so I feel like scarves hide it.  By camouflaging it in thick, bulky layers to it...?  

I've pretty much stuck to the dark, moody lip and simple black liner for winter and I like it.  It might be my forever look.  Forever turtle look.  But maybe trying something more colorful might be friendlier for Shpring?

here

Indigo liner and coral and apricot seem like a nice compromise for a new season while still allowing some opportunity for drama.  I'm going to be taking a class on contouring so I can look just like Kim K!  Except with a potato-y turtle head.  CAN you even contour a potato head or will they just hand me back my money when they see my face?  I guess we'll find out.

I think all that should transition me nicely to April.  I don't know why I can't go to a new season like a normal person without a strategy involving booze and eyeliner.  But all good strategies usually begin with booze and eyeliner so...  

What things are y'all looking forward to for warmer temps?  I'm excited to paint my toenails once again and get back that healthy glow that constantly sweating will bring to my skin.   

Obviously, I'm not compensated for any of these recommendations nor have any relationship with these people/companies.

Haha just kidding this is totally a sponsored post by Big Ramen.

Now THAT I was kidding about.

But if someone wants to get at me... 

NOODLES FOR LIFE.

Welcome to the ModSauce School of Heavenly Libations.

We're to the point in the summer season where I'm done.  I don't care if the grass gets too high or the plants are wilting or my feet look like driftwood, it's too damn hot to garner any fucks to give.  The good news is that if you live in the South you've got another 45 days of disgusting humidity to look forward to. YAY!

Obviously the only thing to do now is get a gawddamn pedicure already, Groot toes, and drink the humidity away.  Fortunately for you I've been doing lots of "research" and "learning" about drankin' this summer to make the next 45 days bearable.  

Nay, not just bearable but ENJOYABLE.  

So here are all my favorite "research" moments of the summer.  I'm just destroying this summer bucket list of mine too.  And frankly, it's been a shitty week and I think we could all use an adult beverage.

I started the summer with my booze of choice: wine.  Wine is good for all seasons and is my best friend all year.  In honor of this esteemed status, I like to dress it up with some fruit for the summer months to get in the spirit in the form of sangria.

I love sangria because you can just throw a bunch of things together and it always tastes good.  However, sometimes it's a little too sweet for me so I found this GENIUS recipe on Gimme Some Oven.

She added arugula to her blend and I'll never have it any other way again.  It makes it peppery and spicy and balances all the sweet fruit.  I'll probably just throw in whatever fruit I have available the next time I make it but I'll be sure to throw in a handful or two of arugula.  Recipe, schmecipe.

But if you're looking for something a little stronger, channel your inner stumbling-sorority-girl and switch to Fireball.  It's the cinnamon whiskey CIN-sation (I'm sorry, I couldn't stop myself) that's sweeping across the nation leaving blackout drunks and discarded panties in its spicy wake.  

Of COURSE this brand has fan graphics.

If you listen really closely you can actually hear a girl crying on a dirty bathroom floor somewhere.  That's Jessica.  She's the patron saint of Fireball.

It's the only thing I'll actually do shots of anymore.  When I get home from work.  Alone.  Because that's how trashy it/me is.  

I have a bottle of it with a handle now for easy mobility.

If you are looking to make an actual cocktail drink out of it my favorite way to drink it is just mixed with ginger ale.   Pinterest (the collective?) named this 'Gingerball' and that's probably the best name I've ever heard so I drink it partly for that reason.  

Top quality ginger balls, right there.

Fancy it up with with some Fireball-soaked maraschino cherries; serve in a red Solo cup and a disturbing lack of dignity.  Mason jars acceptable too.

Or you can just search for Fireball on Pinterest and pick any recipe.  The college crowd has already done the work for you.  I want to make a Fireball barbecue sauce and caramel sauce so damn bad.

Fireball transitions great into Fall if you mix it with cream soda, Jack Daniel's Honey, hard cider, a splash of Cointreau, ice cream, Firefly, etc.  Not all at the same time.  

Well, now that I think of it...

Speaking of Firefly (sweet tea vodka), it has long been a staple at the ModSauce Ranch.   Normally I just mix it with raspberry lemonade or, um, more Firefly because it don't need no help.  But for my recent hot dog party, my friend and gardening buddy, Emily Rose who blogs here, kicked it into Southern overdrive by turning it into boozy fruit spectacular.  

Holding her delicious creation here. Photo via Eat Drink Frolic.

Start by soaking some peaches in a half liter of Firefly in a pitcher.  Add in a can of Sprite and some blackberries and raspberries.  Spank some mint (heh) and add to the mixture.  Fill the rest of the pitcher with water, serve over ice and then watch it disappear down everyone's throats.  So smooth.  So dangerous.

The hot dog party (Wienerfest 2014) was a big night for cocktails because we also saw the birth of another spectacular creation know as Summer Faery Pee courtesy of Slade Roberson (who blogs over here).

I ran out of limeade so I recreated it after the party with just the juice of one lime if you're in a pickle.

It's so easy: 1 part gin, 1 part limeade (like the Simply Limeade stuff, ya know), 1 part St. Germain, 2 parts ginger ale.  Garnish with a sprig of rosemary from your garden.  It will feel like a sweet summer faery just gave your throat a golden shower and you will love it.  It's deceptively strong and perfect for summer.

St. Germain is something I just recently got and is the essence of Faery Pee.  It's that thing in cocktails that takes it from 'Fireball in a solo cup' kind of night to 'impress your friends with elderflower liquer while eating hot dogs.'  I don't usually like sugary drinks but this is sweet and floral without that 'rot your teeth' feel.  I'd prefer to rot my liver and reputation, please.

Although I haven't tried it at home, earlier this summer I had a Citrus Ginger Fizz and it was also perfect for summer.  However, ginger liqueur is hard to find and expensive so just make Summer Faery Pee.  You won't regret it.

And lastly, I've also developed a mild obsession with blood orange this summer.  Well, blood orange soda.  [MS sidebar: I do not like using the word 'soda' unless it is preceded by 'baking' or 'club' but blood orange coke sounds weird so there ya go.]

I don't really use recipes (could ya tell from this highly technical blog post??) but mostly I've been drinking it with Firefly (the raspberry kind) and a dash of peach vodka with a bit of rosemary or mint.  It's practically fruit salad!

After a hard day's work in the yard I yearn - yes, YEARN, I say - for salty margaritas.  I've been making a bastardized version of these blood orange margaritas from How Sweet Eats and they hit the spot.

I just use blood orange soda instead of the simple syrup.

Not even I can sink low enough to make a 'salty rim job' joke.  OR DID I?!?!?!?!

Sometimes if I'm feeling extra naughty I'll add in some ginger beer.  Nothing is more American than "beer" after mowing the grass, right?  I feel like a real patriot.  Considering the ginger beer I drink is Jamaican that sounds about right for an American patriot.  Sigh...

So that's what I've been drinking most of this summer and it has been delightful.  I vouch for all of these cocktails but take that with a salty rim job because I'm currently drinking boxed red wine mixed with flat Sprite over ice cubes. 

What are y'all drinking or not drinking this summer?  Alcoholic or no, I want to put it in my body.  Has anyone actually tried a coconut water cocktail yet?  I'm scared to waste the coconut water and alcohol if I don't like it.  Mostly the coconut water.  That shit's expensive.  But not ginger liqueur expensive.

PS I had to google 'liqueur' every time I typed it because I'm wrong every time.  Too many vowels.  Or maybe too many wine/Sprite drinks...

PPS There is no physical way to type/say/hear "drinking" without it morphing into Drunk in Love "drankin."  However, I'm Southern so that's how we say it anyway so it's indistinguishable.

DOG days of summer. (Do you sense a pun?)

To fully appreciate the season and kick my bucket list into the stratosphere I decided it was time to have a party at the Ranch.  Buckle up, people!  It's about to get rowdy!  

Until 11:00 pm.

After a random discussion regarding the merits of Sonic's (the restaurant not the hedgehog) hot dog selection, I decided my upcoming party would be a hot dog bar!

via Honey Rider (NSFW)

I thought it was the BEST IDEA EVAR that surely no one had ever thought of until I went on Pinterest and saw that EVERYONE had thought of it already.  It's like the new 'cupcake' kind of viral.  Except with phallic-shaped meats.   People are having hot dog bars for tailgating, children's birthday parties and as their wedding food.  I'm late to the game.  As usual.

But despite being terribly uncool (as usual) I forged ahead.  All you need for a hot dog party is meat, bread, toppings and a high tolerance for wiener jokes.  This is my jam!  Everyone else can be in charge of the sides and appetizers.

As a single person entertaining can sometimes get... hectic.  Fortunately, this idea allowed me to do almost everything beforehand so I don't have to recreate a Thanksgiving cornucopia of oven-time fuckery in the summer.  

So let's go step by step so you can throw your own sausage fest!

Step 1: Hot meat.
I was told Hebrew National are the best so I bought 50.  Done.  I don't grill (I'm only one girl and not sure I can handle that many hot wieners at once) so I found a way to roast them.  Yes, I googled the best way to roast hot dogs and of COURSE there's a "recipe."  

Closeup of meat trench from here. Seems almost indecent...

Making the slice down the middle was actually pretty beneficial (if not a little surgical?).  It was like a little trench that holds all the toppings and meat juice in place!  This is tube meat scienze, y'all.  I could fit about 20 on a cookie sheet so it was perfect.  I kept them warm on the stove in a double boiler with about 2 inches of water in the bottom until everything was done.  Easy.

I also threw in some chicken and apple sausages in case someone wanted to switch it up.  Too much of a good thing can be dangerous.

A friend just said she's been experimenting with marinating brats in different craft beers...  I'm intrigued!

Next year...

Step 2: Luscious buns.
Make sure your high quality wiener is nestled between the best buns available.  I searched high and low for pretzel buns but couldn't find them.  I even thought about making them but remembered I'm a fucking terrible baker.  Maybe next year.

Instead I just got a variety of potato buns and wheat buns and a few hoagie buns for the chicken sausages.  I found poppyseed buns the day AFTER the party.  Thanks for nothing, area grocery stores.  Gourmet hot dog party gone to SHIT!

I went to my best friend again, the internet, for all my burning bun questions and they said you could steam hot dog buns in the microwave in their plastic bag...  Really?  I don't even reheat food in Tupperware but those flimsy bags are microwave safe?  

By the time we were ready to eat I'd already had a cocktail or two so that plan sounded like a great idea.  However I'm 110% certain I poisoned my guests with that method.  No one's complained but their future children might possibly have three eyes.

I also totally miscounted (math iz hard) and ran out of buns.  But the next morning I woke up and found a bag of buns in the microwave so... 

But it was so easy and they stayed warm for so long I'll totally do it again.  For only 45 seconds next time...

Next year I'm making pretzel dogs and possibly corn dogs...  A variety of buns is best.

Step 3: Top it off.
This is where you really get to shine, fellow hot dog enthusiasts.  It's the icing on the cake, the cherry on top of the sundae, the, um... condiments on a hot dog.

I accidentally grew some cucumbers this year (more on that in a later post) so I made some homemade sweet pickle relish.  I'm practically a homesteader when it comes to phallic foods!

Making its umpteenth appearance in my kitchen was my favorite bacon jam recipe.  I jazzed it up with some pomegranate balsamic I recently got at Olive (for local readers) and maybe cut back on the sweetness for this usage.

I also made a garlic aioli and it was my personal fave topping of the night.  This was real aioli - not garlic mayo - and was so, so easy that as long as you have two arms you can make it.  Or one arm and a nice friend.  I jazzed it up with some lavender rosemary olive oil (also from Olive, you can tell I had a recent shopping trip) and trying to figure out what else I can put it on because there's only so long an egg yolk can last, right?

The other players in the condiment orgy included:
Onions a million different ways: raw, fried, caramelized.  Those are actually the only ways I know how to serve onions...  onion jelly?

Mustard for days: classic yellow because this is America, you beef-loving fuckers, a spicy brown and even a champagne dill if you're feeling fancy.  I even used some of those honey mustard Snyder's pretzel bits but I think I was the only one to eat them.  That's fine.  I'm obsessed with them and they were a perfect bit of tangy crunch.

Other options included shredded cheese, pimento cheese, feta, pickled jalapenos, pepperoncini, mayo, apple relish (for the chicken and apple sausage), vegan chili (because why not?), Fritos, sour cream, salsa, bacon, sriracha, bbq sauce and Slawsa.

Oh and ketchup.  I was going to make some bacon pickle ketchup that I found in Food Network magazine but technically all the ingredients I already had listed above so I just combined them ON the dog.  Somewhere I have a gourmet "fancy catsup" recipe in an old Food&Wine but there's only so many condiments one girl can make and consume within the next few months.

I guess technically anything can be made a condiment if you're brave enough and depending on its geography so pasta salad, baked beans and coleslaw also topped that delicious cylinder of beef.  

I'm not a fan of coleslaw but my friend (@thebex) brought this lime and cilantro version and it was fantastic.  It has zero - ZERO - vinegar which come to find out is the reason why I'm not a fan of coleslaw.  Vinegar alone can't cover up bland flavors.

Once you have all of the elements in place you really just let nature take its course and watch people get creative.  There might be a contest next year.

I think these won the prize for biggest and most decorated pair of wieners of the night:

Pic from Eat Drink Frolic.

I am a bad blogger but a fun partier because I forgot to take any pictures.  Also, I was tipsy.  I did however take this picture of my fave combo I ate for leftovers the next day.

The money shot.

On the left: garlic aioli, honey mustard pretzel bits, caramelized onions and ketchup.

On the right: pimento cheese, bacon jam, fried onions.

Two wieners is about all I can handle at once.

If you're keeping track that was 304830849382 wiener jokes and I'm exhausted.

Because I'm all dawgged out I'm going to save the alcoholic beverage portion of the party for later but magic was made there too.  It was nothing but social lubrication, yummy meat and cringe-worthy innuendo so naturally we'll be doing it again next year.  Possibly every week in the near future until I can eat the leftover hot dogs...

I'm sweating onion and bacon out of every pore of my body right now...  I might actually BE a giant beef hot dog right now, I don't even know.  I'm so sated I can't even turn that into a wiener joke so y'all work something out in your heads.

In unrelated news, this is also my 600th post!  How exciting!  And it's full of the lamest jokes about wieners... sigh... I'm not surprised.  Thanks for reading and maybe I'll see you all next year at #WienerFest2015!

Summer Bucket List: Moderately qualified to represent the LBC.

Now that we've officially moved into June I figured I would jump on the blogger bandwagon and write down some things that I'm interested in doing this summer.  

I'm all about trying to capture the exquisite details of the season...  soaking up the sun...  appreciating the contrast of salty language and sweet tea... learning to relish the oppressive mantle of Southern heat that readies us for the harshness of life's cruelty...  *raises fist towards the sweltering sky*

If you read that in Nicole Kidman's Cold Mountain voice it sounds perfectly affected and overdone.

Basically I'm trying to find joyful things about this hell season to avoid thinking about crotch sweat and my driveway being infested with those red mites again, gawddammit.

A summer bucket list.  

YOLO.

Let's start out with the easy stuff...

- Keep my car washed and shiny. Like on the INSIDE.  Where I can't just rely on driving fast through the rain.  

- Make a mix cd (hey, my car is old as well as dirty) but it'll only include Doin' Time (Summertime) by Sublime.  It's the only music I needed in 1996 and the only music I need now.

- Dance to the rhythm.  It gets harder.

- Try to use cut flowers in my house sometimes even though I'm not a big flower person.  I mean, I'm not a giant humonoid/flower hybrid sentient being but I also don't really respond to cut flowers.  They die.  And frankly, I can kill a non-flowering plant rull easy and it's cheaper.  But maybe I'll pretend to be girly and elegant and grab a bouquet at the neighborhood market (Costco) for something different. This seems summery and fun.

- See lots of terrible movies just so I can sit in a deliciously cold movie theater on the hottest days in a sweater.  A summer sweater.  One of my most favorite things in the world for no reason I can come up with.  Like ice cream in winter or arson in Spring.

- Learn how to wear a headwrap with charm.  Frankly, I'm a dirty person on the weekends right now.  I'm in the yard a lot therefore I'm sweaty and have gross hair and when someone calls me to have a margarita or I need to run to the store for emergency bags of dirt I don't have time to "dress up" or "bathe." I'm thirsty NOW.  

Something vintage like this:

via Seamless

This girl is the cutest and she's gonna learn me real good.

- Get soaked in the summer rain. You smell mineral-y and when you dry your hair and skin feel amazing.  Not a substitute for actual bathing (me or my car) but can work pre-headwrap if I'm in a rush, of course.

- Lay on diving board with nothing on but pink fur.  Get 80-yr-old neighbor to Instagram me.

June Wilkinson, Hi-Life, November 1959

- Or at least recreate this.

The Birth of Suburbia by Rosaleen Ryan

- Hell, I want to GET IN SOME WATER!  I love love LOVE to swim - well, it's more like water twirling than stroking for a purpose [MS sidebar: *arches brow*] - but I never get to do it anymore.  I am not above splashing around in a kiddie pool. 

-  As a child/college student I would always follow swimming adventures with a box of mac and cheese so I'm turning this kiddie pool into a white trash extravaganza.  Throw in a Dr. Thunder and we 'bout to get turnt up at the Ranch, y'all.

- I think I want to get beautified this summer and do some pampering.  I love what sweating, heat and vitamin D does for my skin so I'm gonna focus on making my skin beautiful.  I already take prescription amounts of the big D so now all I have to do is use tons of clay masks and rub a sliced lemon all over my body every morning at dawn while I chant to the morning sun.

- Chant at the morning sun until my mind is quiet and the cops are called.

- Make time for reading books in the middle of the day and not 20 minutes before bedtime when I can't comprehend anything.  Hey Self, might I recommend reading in the kiddie pool you're going to acquire?  Self, you are so smart.

- Drink dirty chai lattes so much I'm embarrassed to even face my barista and bank account.  (SPOILER ALERT: I'm halfway there!)

- I love a day trip and I KNOW you love my Instagrams of abandoned sheds all over the Tennessee valley so I'll try to document the other sheds I haven't seen yet.  Also, I hear there's a really weird rock about two hours away... can't wait!  

- Make all those cocktails that I have pinned.  Drink them myself.  None for you.

Yes. It's called the Tennessee Honey Hole... I'll drink it just for the name alone even if it's bad.

- Call Neil deGrasse Tyson and figure out the magic behind avocado toast. Bitches love avocado toast.

- I'm all about smells lately so I've been laying awake at night thinking about crafting my own essential oil blends.  I would like to smell like a forest full of magic and centaur musk but fresh and girly with notes of citrus and girl power.

- Dress like a white witch. Scare everyone with how nice I am and how good I smell.

- Start selling some things on Etsy.  It's getting a little ridiculous around here and I'll need to come up with the money for the kiddie pool and boxes of mac and cheese.

- From the ashes of the plants I lost over the summer, I'll turn into a phoenix and fly into the sun where my spirit will live forever and haunt you next summer.

If there's anything good on your summer bucket list let me know so I can steal it!

Bedroom ReSaucification 2014 Update

Heeeey, the sauce is still flowing!  Do not fret.  Things got a little hectic at the Ranch these past few weeks so please enjoy this riveting update.

Somehow as the seasons change everything seems to happen at once.  I can open the windows, Charlemagne decides to ignore me for the great weather, my car requires even more unexpected maintenance, I pretend like it's 2005 and watch Lost, I pretend like I have skills and cook a lot, I hosted book club at my house a week ago and still might have dishes in the sink from it, I broke the legs to a chair sitting in it while trying to instagram something and all other brands of normal domestic fuckery.

But some things are more fuckery than domestic bliss.

So thanks to some stormy conditions my appropriately-named (terribly-named?) storm door blew off the front of my house where it was bolted to.  No big deal.  I just moved it to my back patio where it could hang out with my just-replaced washing machine that I keep forgetting to call the thrift store to come get.  The only way I could get more white trash is if I had a car with three flat tires in my driveway.  

Sigh... guess it's time to do some yardwork this weekend.  The one shitty part about Spring.  Oh and the searing sinus pain and tornadic activity that rips doors from their hinges.  

But it wasn't all terrible.  I made a pretty thing!

I took a class on building a terrarium through a new local non-profit called The Chattery.  Turns out it's way more complicated than throwing dirt in a vase which probably explains why I kill a lot of things I plant.  Yay scienze!

For you local readers, the class was only $15 and all I brought was a vase and a few bucks so I could buy accessories.  It was the most fun I'd had in awhile - like anal-retentive gardening meets doll house decorating.  Worth it.

But I did get some real house decorating done too and progress has been made in Bedroom ReSaucification 2014.

Ok well not here but we're just saying farewell to Wedgewood Grey.  It's been real.

Picking the color was easy for ONCE in my wishy washy life.  Unfortunately Lowe's gave me the wrong finish which I didn't realize until I painted and edged everything and it dried gross and I wanted to die.  

Fun fact: if you act nice enough they will, in fact, refund non-refundable paint.  They didn't give me a refund on the hours I wasted painting but I'm just considering it a weird primer.

And I also picked the green color for my accent wall in record time and limited number of samples.  But then my uterus decided to throw a wrench in my plan and, well, my uterus and I bought some PMS-induced new paint samples.

Dear gawd, it was terrible.  Won't be getting that money back either nor my brain before the mental image of wall vomit.

But it was all worked out in the end and the painting part is done without much more drama.

Apparently I LOVE Stepstool.

I'm not sure how a few hours of painting takes me three days of work but thanks a lot, prep work.  Actually had to clean my room for real.  Fucking baseboards, man.

The final colors were Forest Canopy from Valspar and Pantone's Cloud Dancer (also Valspar paint).  I like to think that the canopy of the forest dances in the clouds... SHUT UP THEY'RE PAINT FRIENDS!

I'd never used Valspar but thought it was good paint. Thumbs up from the Madame.

Forest Canopy is a green that's almost black.  It's almost the color of an overripe avocado skin which is kinda what my walls look like since they are also textured with bumps.  I'm totally down with that.  However, if rotting avocado is grossing you out, it reads as black in the picture but in person it's like a shadowy, non-color.  My favorite type of color.  

I love the green on the wall and am frankly I'm more scared of three completely white walls.  It's like a padded cell.  I gotta get some curtains up fast.

Thank goodness I went to the IKE-Rah this past weekend!  Which turned out to be the dumbest thing ever since they were having a special Bring Your Own Friend event and it was like a war zone in there.  I need counseling.  Bring Your Own Therapist day at IKEA.

I got some curtains and a couple of MALMs and spent the next 983498349389 hours drinking wine, watching Lost and doing this shit:

*softly weeping*

Charlemagne helped.  By looking aloof.

But I finally finished and I'll spend the next three days organizing my clothes into twice - TWICE - the amount of drawers I had.  Luxury, I tell you!

Next up, this little guy:

I bought this nightstand for $3 at a garage sale a few years ago and it's finally getting a real home!

And a coat of paint and some new knobs.  In July knowing how speedy I work...

In the meantime, let's all eat some delicious muesli.

This box of muesli cost three times as much as that nightstand.  Let that sink in.

I've been obsessed with muesli for about five years after trying the real deal from a Swiss chef.  I found the above magnificence this week and it's amazing.  Make their Birchermuesli recipe straight off the side of the box because Nestle Tollhouse makes some good cookies from their recipe so the side of the package is fine.  Don't get fancy.

I need to replenish after IKEA.  I'm still having flashbacks.

Enjoy the impending Spring, y'all!

The purge before the coming glitter storm.

So I don't know about y'all but I spent the last four days watching Misfits and balls deep in, well, Christmas glitter balls.  I put the entire autumnal smorgasbord - pumpkin, potatoes, turducken - in my body within the span of 24 hours.  I need to do some purging of body and brain.

But first, I made the previously mentioned butternut squash mac and cheese for my orphan Thanksgiving offering and didn't make anyone cry so I say it's a win!  If you're like me and think butternut squash ravioli is transcendent but wish there was more of the good shit but on the OUTSIDE then this is for you. Good for breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, dinner, fourth meal and all manner of Misfits-induced binge eating in between.

I used a combination of this recipe and this one but threw in some sage and probably some other things that I can't remember... Topped it with some homemade fried onions and bacon and I think some cheese... I'm not good with following recipes because I DO WHAT I WANT but I strongly encourage you to try it.  I could talk about butternut squash all day long but I'll spare you.

Showering was optional during my 4 day hermit-age and my thirty-something skin is pretty pissed about it.  My hair was starting to take on a sociopath hipster look which wasn't that bad because this is the look I'm aiming for this winter:

Uma Wang

Like a gothic ice princess.  In a really badass poncho.

In keeping with the gothic ice princess of doom theme, I'm getting rid of a lot of color in my house.  It's just too overwhelming, she says as she's stares at a blank white wall in a white room with a white cat.  

BUT I had a special moment with this tobacco brown headboard and pale blush pillows recently:

Emily Henderson for Cup of Jo

The rest really is overwhelming to me but since I'm embracing my pinkitude this year I thought it was noteworthy.

And I'm assuming when y'all weren't staring at the business end of a dangerously overflowing plate of food you had your eyes focused on this:

here

I thoroughly loved Catching Fire despite all lack of vaginal feels regarding Peeta but does anyone else get as excited about the cornucopia as I do?  

Catching Fire here

It's like the set designer wanted to make something that appeared deadly and modern and just threw some shit together but, I don't know, it works for me.

OG Hunger Games cornucopia here

I think I gasp every time it's on screen.  But we all know that I love some weirdly modern dystopian shit in the middle of a field...

Yugoslavian monuments from a loooong time ago...

*cough*

Perhaps buoyed by concrete and bleakness, wanting to pare down at home goes hand in hand with getting rid of color.  The occupational hazard of being a design blogger is buying shit.  Lots of shit.  The Ranch is like a circus of objets d'art.  Objets d'art from the junk store.

here

So I've been salivating at some minimal interiors a lot lately.  It's like the softer side of gothic ice princess.

I could do some color like this but I'm mostly loving the lack of frivolity.

OOOH LOOK AT THIS FRIVOLOUS THING I WANT THIS SO DAMN BAD!!!

via Jaga Design

Do you see my problem?  The problem with THINGS not the problem with snakes.  They're adorable.  Know what else is adorable?  Salvador Dali's flatware:

here

You need to enlarge it then feast your eyeballs on it.  It's so fucking good you'll beg for someone to carve your heart out with one of those delightful spoons.

But when I can't buy surrealist utensils I just go straight to a store and buy some replacement things to fill the hole in my heart that is NOT from it being carved out by a sweet spoon.  Just the hole caused by life and blogging.  Sigh...

I can't resist some wooden tchotchkes... things to keep you fidgeters happy... hand nom noms... whatever you want to call them.  In this case these are wooden puzzles I found on the cheap and they're really turning my crank.  I want to awkwardly hug them.

Look - POOR DRAMATIC LIGHTING.  We'll see if I keep them all or exchange them for Christmas gifts that I should have been buying.  Sorry, family and my constant burning desire for a minimal house.

In related news, remember that table that I bought that sat empty for a long time because of my back and fear of commitment regarding styling?  Well I got about halfway through playing around and realized that it's in the spot where my Christmas tree is going so I decided to watch more Misfits instead.

I'll probably add some wooden hand nom noms after the holiday but for now it's a string of pearls succulent (that's still alive!) and some rocks and shit.

There's also a bowl of more thingies to fidget with including some worry wood (is this a Southern thing or just a Lacy thing?) and a vajra.  In general, I hate appropriating items from other religions but it's shiny and I like to fidget so it seemed fitting.

Doesn't matter.  There's currently a Christmas tree standing where all this stuff is and I'm sure it'll look completely different come January.

Thanksgiving is dead to me now (except for the butternut squash mac and cheese I'm probably gonna make again next week) and I'm all about glitter and the baby jeezus now.

Know what I want under my tree this year?  The ability to stop buying shit and this:

My fake boyfriend Joseph Gilgun

Misfits has the prettiest people that really know how to style a jumpsuit.  I'm probably the only one who likes this one (especially after seeing Lockout) but I can't help it.  

I'm drawn to weirdo sociopaths (maybe they'll like my new hair) and trinkets.

And butternut squash.