Monday, September 29, 2014

Architecture for cats who can't see good.

As discussed last week, in lieu of important landscaping I bought I new dorky glasses.  It was kind of a spur of the moment decision but I think we can all agree they look pretty good.

The irony that all eyeball-challenged people will understand is that in an attempt to update my prescription, I currently can't see shit with my new lenses.  My depth perception is like trying to drive on Rainbow Road inside an actual kaleidoscope after funneling a gallon of Fireball.  When I encounter a curb or a stair or just a change in floor materials I have to first paw at it with my foot like a drunken show pony to make sure I don't plummet to my death.  

Haha just kidding I fall all the time no matter what glasses I'm wearing.  (Fortunately when I fell this weekend - trying to dig more holes in my yard, of course - it was behind a bush so I was shielded from the neighbors.  But not shielded from the sandpapery brick of my foundation...)

So I'm trying to wear them around the house but if I turn my head too fast I think I travel to another dimension.  

It's been a weird day.  

Perhaps it's my vision or perhaps my questionable taste in design but I'm not sure how I really feel about this lakeside villa designed by Viennese architect Alexander Diem.

Do I like it or can I not really see it?  Having a hard time focusing...  

Well it's the first modern house that I've seen in awhile with actual landscaping so that's good.  Or is that a very small circus in front?  Did these glasses also come with acid?

Now THIS I do like.  At least I'm pretty sure I do when I squint...  From what I gathered from the apparent shapes and hieroglyphics that are trying to be words at Dezeen, the wood screen surrounding the house creates privacy while allowing for light because we live "in a time which supposedly knows no privacy."  *makes jacking off motion while rolling my crossed eyes*

Shutters are, as we all know, a completely modern invention as all people before 1947 were savages who ran around nekkid all the time and had to poop in communal troughs in the city square.

Those poor celebrity women who had their nude photos stolen just needed an intricately carved screen around their iClouds.

Apparently my impaired vision makes me bitchy as well as dizzy.

via Dezeen
The fretwork is said to highlight harvest themes in keeping with traditional Alpine style detailing and I do admit to totally squeeing over it.  This is what I would classify as a modern gingerbread house.  And since it's half fairy tale, half art history, half drunk on new glasses, I can't be wrong!

I'm thinking Hansel and Gretel are graphic designers lost in the forest.  Led to the house by the promise of powerful wifi and gluten-free snacks, they immediately Instagrammed the shit out of such an architectural beauty.  An evil witch had unfortunately lured them to the villa to steal their iPhone 6+s but they were able to bludgeon her to death with them instead and escaped to talk about kerning or some shit.

I'm really good at fairy tales and relevant pop culture references.

Not so much at architectural criticism.

Kittehs here
Or is it the other way around?


  1. Hmm love the detailed woodwork, overall design will have to grow on me. Glasses I love and I am hoping that they will also help Charlemagne with understanding that bunnies are cute and adorable and should not be treated like rats.

    1. They would probably make her into a powerful death machine....

  2. I wear contacts and if my lenses came to me with the wrong prescription, I would take to my bed and not leave until it was fixed.

    " *makes jacking off motion while rolling my crossed eyes*"

    brb off to practice my new favorite gesture

    1. It can be used in sooo many situations. My gift to you.

  3. I have my glasses on and can say that while you DO like the inside of this house, you do NOT like the outside. Glad we cleared that up faster than cataract surgery!