Summer dreams of calculated fug.

So I'm finishing up the last of my major yard stuff and getting ready to stay inside and settle into my summer spot (straddling the air conditioner vents).   However I have a few stray plants that I'm just throwing in the ground and wishing well.  Best of luck come August, random plant that seemed like a good idea at the time.

One of those plants is a Black-eyed Susan.  I got it at the plant swap this Spring because it needed a home and I hate seeing an unwanted thing.   I know they are super easy to care for and are good in the clay dirt around here but...  I...

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...just don't like them.  Yellow and brown are the saddest color combo to me and their dumdum flower shape is just so "basic."  They're the basic bitches of flowers, if you will.  (I won't.)  But still, I was going to give them a home because all Gawd's creatures yadda yadda yadda. *makes jacking off hand motion*

And because I developed a judgey, ill-informed decision Gawd decided to remind me I don't know shit and showed me this on Pinterest today:

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Well, damn!  That's a stylish mix!  And not only do I like this mix of flowers but I think the Black-eyed Susan look-alikes are the glue here.  It's the perfect amount of contrast, methinks.  I love Black-eye Susans now.  The workhorses of summer gardens.  Please don't die on me now!

The moral of this story is make room for ugly in your garden/space/life.  Or maybe redefine your definition of ugly.  One of those sounds pretty important so probably you should do that.  It's called 'calculated fug' and we will all be the masters of it.  The End.

When I found the source of this delightfully, mind-changing picture it gets even better.  It's a PRE-PLANNED garden pack that you can buy from High Country Gardens.  I didn't even know you could do that!  I'm full of awe and wonder.  

This pack featured above fits a 5' x 5' space and includes our pal Rudbeckia Goldsturm (the Black-eyed Susan-looking coneflower), the purple coneflower, Agastache 'Blue Fortune' (tall blue in the back), Solidago 'Fireworks' (the goldenrod in the middle), Physostegia virginiana 'Crystal Peak White' (Obedient plant?), 'Autumn Fire' sedum and Liastris aspera (the purple Blazing Star in front?).  

The fun thing is that I have already have sedums and purpleish coneflowers and have been looking at the blazing star so this little pack was made for me!  It's called Summer Dreams.  I'm singing it to the tune of Summer Lovin.

Check out these other non-fug garden kits:

August Afternoon. Ugh I might like this look even better.  it feels very dramatic.

Jumbo Waterwise Garden.  Not my personal fave but still an attractive grouping.

Seems like a lot of these are great for dry areas in the West but I've grown many of these here so fellow Southerners can at least get some good ideas.  They have tons more pre-planned kits to buy but these were the only group shots they had.  

I hadn't planned to talk about gardens yet aGAIN (it's really all I think about in person right now) but here we are.  

Just consider this your friendly semi-annual reminder to embrace the fug.  LOVE the fug.

And love plants that are great for pollinators.

She sheds seashells by the she shore.

Well, it's been a hot minute since I've been here but Springtime is Busytime at the Ranch.  I went on some work trips, had a quick trip to Nashville, went to Miami for a design show and didn't get sunburned - SUCCESS.  I did sweat through my first outfit of the year and it's only May... thanks, Florida.  But I got so many damn shells from the beach Florida should start paying me to haul away their junk.  

You should follow me on Instagram - I 'gram way more than I blog!

Wait, you can take shells from the beach, right?!  It's not illegal like taking plants from a national park, right? 

*mails shells back to Florida*

And after years of traveling I've FINALLY made a permanent toiletry bag so I can grab and go - SUCCESS.  All hail the tiniest of eye cream containers!  I'm adulting all over the damn place.  It's like a bukkake of responsible decisions around here.

When I wasn't jetsetting all over the Southeast region I've been doing never-ending amounts of yardwork.  This month is just so damn sweaty!  I'm reaching the end of my giant bush removal project (for this season) so I'll post some updates on that soon.  It looks... unimpressive for the amount of bitching I've been doing.

So what happened during all this tiny shampoo organizing and endless hole digging?  The Mad Men finale which I'm a season behind on so no spoilers, Janet Jackson announced a new album and tour (!), blackhead-removing videos are my new obsession and favorite lullaby and SHE SHEDS.  

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She sheds are the hot new alliteration all over the websites your mom reads.  It's the lady version of man caves... in case women were feeling left out of the home decor world?  I read some hot take about "gendered spaces" but I could only get three sentences in before I lost all interest in living life.

She sheds seem like nothing other than a catchy blog post name for the cute spaces in a lot of Pinterest folders.  I think we can attribute all of it to that NYT cottage way back when - remember this shabby chic Victorian cottage that induced much eye-rolling (probably from this blogger too?).

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I don't really care anything about the concept of 'she sheds' and somehow just having a discussion about it feels like a women's studies class led by Mike Huckabee so let's just agree to let people of all genders drink wine while knitting dreamcatchers or brewing craft root beer in whatever small outdoorsy space they need.  End of discussion.

Of course, I like my own personal space so much I live alone in my own house.  IT'S THE ULTIMATE SHE SHED!

As a general rule, I'm very pro-shed.  Where I come from, 'behind the shed' is where you smoke for the first time, get fingerbanged or bury a body.  All are glorious rites of passage no matter which one you choose.  As an adult (thanks to my tween rite of passage, you guess which one), I find sheds very useful for all my dirty, dirty tools. Except for the gross barn I had removed last year...

And that's kinda the problem... sheds are gross (see above about numerous amounts of vaginal fluids and corpses) and are like poisonous hotboxes filled with all manner of critters.  I know what lives in a shed outside and it ain't ruffles.  It's spiders.  

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Just some giant open walls for maximum spider passage directly into your BED.  

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And if you want to have a potting shed and paint it pastel well then I hope the Lordt blesses you with a maid and a clue because obviously you've never potted a thing in your life.  My potting shed - because yeah I want one - would be made entirely of black rubber and metal so I can hose it down.  And it has air conditioning.  And a sink... ok it's just a small house filled with piles of dirt that I don't have to clean up.

Seems the UK has a huge shed movement but they are taking it to a whole other level: pub sheds!  Those squirrelly Brits also have a contest for the best sheds and they do not disappoint:

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This urban bike shed is the winner of the best eco shed and it looks delightful.  Bet the British sheds are actual places to sit and have tea and probably not the prisoner of war shed like mine was...

I can definitely get behind this modern shed more than I can that lace and chicken fuckery above.  To each his own I guess.  I mean, she own...

But since this is my blog I get to feature the sheds/greenhouse/unattainable cottages I like.  .

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So let's shed this bitch

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Shed to the max.

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 Shed is bae.

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This glass shed of silence is adorable and I would like it very much.

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I could practically live in this one...

I lost the source...??

This one looks like it really came from a Home Depot kit and I approve.  Home Depot hobbit.  Of course, you could grow vines over a laundry crate and I'd try to rent it on Airbnb.

San Francisco's General Store by On A Hazy Morning

A single room is nice.  Small space for potting but you could also just sit alone with a chair and shut the door.  No judgment.

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This counts as a shed. I bet getting fingerbanged behind this turns you into a fairy.

Nitty Gritty Dirt Man

This half-shed, half-greenhouse is my favorite because he gives you the plans!  How super.  It's a great gardening blog too.

But don't forget the most important part of the yard: Charlemagne.

Unknown.  I probably blogged it before anyway...

Cat shed.  

Just kidding I'd make her hang out in the she shed and kill the rodents that are nesting in my daybed.

I'll probably be blogging light this summer (I don't have a blog shed) but I'll try not to let a month go in between.  That's just rude.

Hope your May was delightful!  Hope it was in a shed.

UPDATE: After I published this post about eleventeenfifty shed articles came across my dash/stream/pins within a few hours which lets me know we all got shed brains right now.  But this one was worth adding.  It's technically a playhouse but I'm saying it's a shed... 

See the whole cute place at Rue

WITH A SLIDE.  All other sheds are moot.

We made it through winter! Most of us...

We're in that lovely transition period on the way to Spring (shit, we're here already!) where I refuse to wear my coat no matter how cold it is but can't bring myself to wear sandals no matter how hot it is.  Ahh, the mercurial tornado season.  

Here's how I survived this brutal winter and am transitioning into Shpringtime.  Yes, it requires its own transition period.  With lots of exfoliating.

Only a few things got me through the worst part of the winter when I was sure we were going straight into the Ice Age end times: Uptown Funk (on a spiritual level) and hellebores. 

Jade Star here

These jade beauties are not mine but they might be soon. THESE are mine that I got last Fall at our plant swap.   And they ain't doin' too bad - yay me!  The best thing about hellebores (other than they can survive an almost-ice age and terrible track record) is that just when you think things are the worst - day after day of wet, grey winter death - here they come with green sprouts in the snow.  See?  There IS hope and we are not destined to die in a dirty snow drift only to be discovered in March.  Hit your hallelujah, indeed.

About this time of year I have to burn up all my winter candles because it fucks with my brain to have a cinnamon harvest amber pumpkin fuckfest smell while the windows are open and it's 80.  Which is why I'm suggesting everyone buy the official (not official) Dumbledore's Office ($16) candle!

Oh apparently it's HEADMASTER'S Office now. Probably copyright issues...

I've had this on my wish list for YEARS but I bought myself one for Christmas and couldn't be happier.  It smells warm and woody but fresh and slightly lemony.  (I swear there was lavender in there but it not sure about the new formula description...?)  Perfect for Winter and Spring.  Hell, burn it all year.  Will not disappoint.  Because it's wizard magic, obviously.

Speaking of winter scents, I found this perfume oil ($8)at a local craft fair in the Fall and have been drawing sigils on myself with it every day.

I made that black smudge...  I swear the packaging is nice.

It really smells how a dreamy bonfire smells at night when you feel like you're in a car commercial and not the morning after bonfire that smells like you burned a squirrel alive and swaddled the carcass with your cardigan. And as it fades it smells like a smokey cupcake at the end of the day.  Maybe that's just my chemistry.  All of her scents are warm and fresh but all lovely - I also have Lolita - so buy in bulk, y'all!

UPDATE: It looks like she's sold out of the Bonfire but check out her other scents here.  She's probably just adding more stock.  I HOPE.

Speaking of smokey sweets for the winter, I don't have this but I waaaant it.

Smoked Tea Vanilla cocktail syrup ($19) is what we all need in our life.  I might put it in my oatmeal because I'm a beast like that.  Haha just kidding I mean whiskey.  Whiskey oatmeal?!  

I was recently introduced to chocolate bitters and I think my life has been changed.  Several people then mentioned the magic of celery bitters to me so obviously I need to be educated.  Whiskey and chocolate bitters in the winter and now I think my Shpring will be filled with celery bitters and a rainbow of other flavors!  And booze, obvi. Bitters all the year round!  If you got a good recipe send it my way.  

I had planned to do large amounts of baking and spend intense days in the kitchen on elaborate French recipes with strategic bits of flour on my nose but mostly I ate Ramen.  Hear me out.

Ramen seems to be trendy again just like other low-brow items from my youth like acid-washed jeans and Pop-Tarts. 

I was sick this winter and bought a case (I was sick a lot) as a desperate substitute for chicken broth.  I needed to retain fluid anyway...  I think I ate one pack the regular way like we did in college BUT I discovered if you throw away the seasoning packet the noodles are so cheap that it's almost painful not to use them in another way.  

So then I started making noodle bowls out of stock and soy and fish sauce and/or curry and coconut milk sometimes.  Throw in a bunch of veggies and maybe meat and if's probably the fanciest thing my cereal bowls have seen in a while.  

If you need some more specific direction than that last sentence (I did - Asian flavors are not my comfort zone) try this slow cooker pork ramen which was amazing or Lady and Pups has a lot of noodle ideas: Spicy Miso Ramen and Vampire Slayer Ramen Express and Bunker Crack Slurp.  She also feels no shame about eating some ramen with even "trashier" ingredients and she's a real food blog so I think that makes it okay.  Or maybe we should all stop judging food choices?

Which is a great idea because I'm not done with ramen.  For Spring I'm transitioning to ramen salads and maybe this spicy shrimp and guacamole ramen what?!  I was going to write a sentence about how America is further bastardizing this "garbage food" for the purpose of our Independence Day cookouts but NO I'm not shaming you or me for food choices anymore.  In fact, I made this Paula Deen ramen broccoli slaw and will admit I enjoyed it.   

It's still okay to shame Paula Deen though.

But I still might make it again for this summer's hot dog party!

All the money you saved on food by eating ramen means you can now buy yourself something nice to wear!  I'm a daily scarf wearer - it's my winter uniform and I feel cold and naked without one.  I also like to sink my head inside like a turtle when I feel threatened or want to nap.  In twenty years we're going to look back and think "Why the fuck did we wear a giant scarf INSIDE all day?" But for now I'm cozy and committed.  

I convinced my mom to crochet me a few after showing her the Outlander pics we talked about last Fall.  AND SHE DID!  Here and here.  I love them but it's getting a little warm for a double-wrapped infinity scarf made of love and thick acrylic.  Fortunately, these by Scarfshop piqued my interest the other day.

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They come in a variety of hand-dyed colors and are really affordable: $30 for a "small" size (27"x108") and $60 for the large (54"x108").  I saw a tiny scarf half the size of the "small" at J. Crew last week for $55 so might as well get a giant cape made of clouds instead!  I'm part of the Scarf All Year club.  I have a weird, short neck so I feel like scarves hide it.  By camouflaging it in thick, bulky layers to it...?  

I've pretty much stuck to the dark, moody lip and simple black liner for winter and I like it.  It might be my forever look.  Forever turtle look.  But maybe trying something more colorful might be friendlier for Shpring?

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Indigo liner and coral and apricot seem like a nice compromise for a new season while still allowing some opportunity for drama.  I'm going to be taking a class on contouring so I can look just like Kim K!  Except with a potato-y turtle head.  CAN you even contour a potato head or will they just hand me back my money when they see my face?  I guess we'll find out.

I think all that should transition me nicely to April.  I don't know why I can't go to a new season like a normal person without a strategy involving booze and eyeliner.  But all good strategies usually begin with booze and eyeliner so...  

What things are y'all looking forward to for warmer temps?  I'm excited to paint my toenails once again and get back that healthy glow that constantly sweating will bring to my skin.   

Obviously, I'm not compensated for any of these recommendations nor have any relationship with these people/companies.

Haha just kidding this is totally a sponsored post by Big Ramen.

Now THAT I was kidding about.

But if someone wants to get at me... 

NOODLES FOR LIFE.

Wreath-tacular!

Alert the social media, I HAVE CRAFTED!  After last week's post on wreaths I kinda committed myself so I couldn't risk the embarrassment of failure.  ESPECIALLY around the holidays.  Santa would have been so disappointed.

Fortunately I have a fellow wreath-minded friend - Emily Rose - with a great property for foraging so a craft date was set.  We both foraged our respective yards and met for toast, christmas music and greenery sharing.

I was greeted with homemade jam and this upon my arrival:

Just a bathtub full of ivy, naturally.  Where else would you put it?

I wanted to go for a free-form simple wreath so no ivy for me.  I started with a piece of privet because fuck privet I hate it.  And of course this happened:

Fuck privet.  YOU ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING.  So it was too stiff (that's what she said) and I cracked it in half while trying to work it around (WHAT SHE SAID).

New plan.  I was already going to use cypress foliage so I just used the entire branch instead.  Duh.

Well lah di dah I made a circle!  I just wrapped floral wire around the ends and called it a day.  I did have to gently GENTLY coax/mold the thick part of the branch around to help with the shape just so it wouldn't pull that tightly on the wire.  I'm assuming most evergreens would be this easy to use at this time of year.  And you may need to take off some of the smaller stems on top to clean it up.  Business up top, party on the bottom.  Mullet wreath.

If you're looking to make a specific size of wreath my wreath is about 13 inches in diameter so my branch base to tip was somewhere over 40 inches.  I don't need anything that specific but if you do then don't forget 2(pi)Radius of desired wreath = length of branch.  MATH!  so handy for life's more important situations!

Back to things that are actually fun and interesting: rainbows and nandina!

Nandina foliage and berries look great right now so I mowed down a bunch from my yard and attached them with a small bit of floral wire too.  I think I threw in a small sprig of pine too and ended up with this:

Wonky and wonderful!  Well, close enough.  Maybe it needs a trim on that right side but overall I'm super happy with.  Honestly, excluding the time it took me to murder the privet at the beginning and for eating more toast I think it probably took about 20 minutes?  I bet I could knock one out in about ten minutes now that I have the magic technique.

That was so easy I decided to make another one since we were already destroying the kitchen.

Thanks for letting me ruin your house in the name of greenery, Emily.  That's one branch on the form FYI.

In case you didn't know, critters live in branches.  Every year when I decorate my mantel with cypress I always make a few new friends in the form of some teensy tiny spiders so you're forewarned.  Sometimes they're the tiny white/clear spiders which I think are kinda cute.  Your call.

I stole one of Emily's wire wreath forms - super cheap and reusable - you can see above and decided to do a fluffier option using more of the cypress base.  

I used about three long branches which were really easy to wire into the form.  I added some more nandina, some holly, a bit of cedar and pine and a few sprigs of dried crape myrtle buds.  

I didn't really even wire most of the extras on since they stuck in place fairly well.  Also, that holly is an absolute beast to work with so I was tired of getting my cuticles pierced.

Pardon the sad picture (hey, it was dark and I'm clumsy) but I'm definitely enjoying the final product: 

Ok it was actually a more round shape to start with but I when I closed the front door after hanging it the plastic hook broke and it tumbled to the ground...  Whoopsy.  Fortunately I think if I give it a haircut on the right side it'll be fine.

I also added these post-Christmas 2013 clearance sale antlers for even more hipster credibility.  I feel so 2013 relevant!  I think I also might add in some fresh rosemary the next time I'm outside in the daylight.  Perhaps even an LED faux candle?!  I'm gettin' outrageous over here.

But it ain't all about me.  Emily made this super adorable wreath for her exterior windows:

This is a wire base like mine above but with ivy and cedar.  I love how the cedar is hairy like a muppet wreath.  What I love even more is the "bow" made out of magnolia leaves and finished with some nandina berries.  That is so damn genius.

She also did a large wreath outside using a grapevine base with ivy, cedar and cypress with equally impressive results. 

This one is about 36 inches wide and I don't think it took her more than an hour just tucking branches into the grapevine. Super easy.  Again, I bet once you've figured out your system the wreaths will go pretty fast.

From Emily's Instagram

It's like we're in Vermont!  

So even including the extra wonk on these wreaths and the cuticle stabs from the holly overall I was super stoked about the project.  I would absolutely make them again next year and maybe even do more this year.  I can't stop.  

I mean, it's essentially free, smells good and it's quite possibly the most Christmasy thing you can do other than prove to Santa in sensual detail how naughty you've been.

But only if you like gift-giving older men more than crafts.

Shit, don't we all?

Soft Fall. Like summer but more beige.

I know our almanac Starbucks has already declared it Fall as well as my grocery store with its cinnamon brooms and mums but I'm not there yet.  For ONCE in my adult life I'm clinging on to Summer with all its boob sweat and thigh chafing glory.  

It's certainly not because I enjoy the heat - I've crafted a plastic bubble suit to get to and from my car so I don't have to actually feel the humidity or outside air.  Maybe it's because I've actually had a really enjoyable summer thanks in part to having a seasonal bucket list.  I traveled, I soaked up the sun underneath my hat and SPF 70, I saw Beyonce, I drank a LOT, I wore a lot of white and pretended I was warm, chubby fairy.  

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I wasn't able to fly into the sun and become immortal but I guess that's rollover bucket stuffs for next summer.

Whatever the reason, I ain't feelin' your punkins right now. My summer flowers are still blooming, there's still ice in my coffee and my thighs say nay there is chafe left to be had here.  You'll have to drag this season out of my limp, sweaty hands.

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I'm all about a pre-Fall right now.  It's like a soft opening to a new restaurant - slower pace and quiet.  Possibly with bad service?

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Wait, even pre-Fall feels too much for me.  Maybe we'll say the sun is setting on summer.  I don't know if you got that from the incredibly blatant images above...  

It's not because your'e obtuse - I have the bestest and smartiest readers on the innernets.  I just have a great need to over-explain myself and ruin a perfectly good thing with more me.  It's a curse.  I'll add it to my autumnal bucket list.  #1 is less me in all things I do.

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I love traveling this time of year because your legs don't stick to car seats as much and it's the last bit of freedom before holiday season demands all of your money and weekends.  

This bag is really speaking to me and I'm sure I can't afford it but maybe Santa should bring me some new luggage.  My current weekend bag I got from Chinatown about seven years ago and is literally falling apart.  A nice man helped carry it for me last month and a piece of the pleather came off in his hands.  He tried to act nonchalant about it but I could tell he was like "gross, never doing that again sorry all future ladies of travel."

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"Scarf season" is something I'm actively rejecting as well.  I actually had a scarf picture in this image dump and took it off.  Fucked up my flow.  Know what IS my flow?  More white with some beige.  Gotta have a beige outer layer this season.  

What are we calling this season now?  Summertime slumbertime?  Soft Fall?  Um... September?

Mexican feather grass here

One thing I'm pretty stoked about is grass.  Late Summer and Soft Fall means all the grasses are at their prime and grasses are to me what flowers are to other people.  Some people like gardens of color but I'd like gardens of beige muppet hair.  

Don't you just want to snuggle with that grass up there?  I bet it tickles.  That's the kind of feeling I want from September.  Sunsets and tickling.

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Also, this feeling.

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But mostly this.  All about that beige, 'bout that beige, no color.

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And this.  Fall seems like something that would require you to wear a bra and I'm DEFINITELY not ready for that kind of structure in my life.

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Some old linens though...?  Soft Fall is also about wrinkles.  Wrinkles and sagging boobs.

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I think this is also Mexican feather grass.  An appropriate name for tickling.  Oddly, grass makes me more excited for this season than pumpkin spice dick.

This is what being a homeowner does to you... 

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I could talk about grass all season so I'll spare you the additional grass I bought at a plant sale this weekend.  UNTIL MY SOFT FALL GARDENING POST MWAHAHAHA!

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Me, working in the yard and gettin' tickled by grass probly.

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Something about this room is speaking to me right now - maybe it's the nice neutrals and contrasting styles but also a hint of cozy fire.  It's certainly not the abundance of weirdo chairs wandering around the room...

It also doesn't have a rug but this kind of space needs a cold floor.  

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I may not be ready for scarves but I'm very pro-socks right now.  Could be that my feet are looking for moisture again or that my tap shoes look best with funky socks.  Possibly both.  Prepare for lots of Instagrams of me in legwarmers and tap shoes next month.

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Regardless of toe situation, I can manage this.  Well, I mean I can't manage to look as effortlessly Soft Fall Casual but I have a beige leather-ish jacket and tshirts.  And some weird socks and tap shoes so...  somebody call Bill Cunningham!

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Nothing says Soft Fall like ankles.  Yeah, I'm wearing two shirts but keeping my ankles nice and breezy.  Fuck your sweet potatoes and cinnamon, me and my ankles are living the beige dream right now.

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Soon, my punkin-headed friends.  Soon.