Showing posts with label outside things. Show all posts
Showing posts with label outside things. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Summer dreams of calculated fug.

So I'm finishing up the last of my major yard stuff and getting ready to stay inside and settle into my summer spot (straddling the air conditioner vents).   However I have a few stray plants that I'm just throwing in the ground and wishing well.  Best of luck come August, random plant that seemed like a good idea at the time.

One of those plants is a Black-eyed Susan.  I got it at the plant swap this Spring because it needed a home and I hate seeing an unwanted thing.   I know they are super easy to care for and are good in the clay dirt around here but...  I...

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...just don't like them.  Yellow and brown are the saddest color combo to me and their dumdum flower shape is just so "basic."  They're the basic bitches of flowers, if you will.  (I won't.)  But still, I was going to give them a home because all Gawd's creatures yadda yadda yadda. *makes jacking off hand motion*

And because I developed a judgey, ill-informed decision Gawd decided to remind me I don't know shit and showed me this on Pinterest today:
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Well, damn!  That's a stylish mix!  And not only do I like this mix of flowers but I think the Black-eyed Susan look-alikes are the glue here.  It's the perfect amount of contrast, methinks.  I love Black-eye Susans now.  The workhorses of summer gardens.  Please don't die on me now!

The moral of this story is make room for ugly in your garden/space/life.  Or maybe redefine your definition of ugly.  One of those sounds pretty important so probably you should do that.  It's called 'calculated fug' and we will all be the masters of it.  The End.

When I found the source of this delightfully, mind-changing picture it gets even better.  It's a PRE-PLANNED garden pack that you can buy from High Country Gardens.  I didn't even know you could do that!  I'm full of awe and wonder.  

This pack featured above fits a 5' x 5' space and includes our pal Rudbeckia Goldsturm (the Black-eyed Susan-looking coneflower), the purple coneflower, Agastache 'Blue Fortune' (tall blue in the back), Solidago 'Fireworks' (the goldenrod in the middle), Physostegia virginiana 'Crystal Peak White' (Obedient plant?), 'Autumn Fire' sedum and Liastris aspera (the purple Blazing Star in front?).  

The fun thing is that I have already have sedums and purpleish coneflowers and have been looking at the blazing star so this little pack was made for me!  It's called Summer Dreams.  I'm singing it to the tune of Summer Lovin.

Check out these other non-fug garden kits:


August Afternoon. Ugh I might like this look even better.  it feels very dramatic.


Jumbo Waterwise Garden.  Not my personal fave but still an attractive grouping.

Seems like a lot of these are great for dry areas in the West but I've grown many of these here so fellow Southerners can at least get some good ideas.  They have tons more pre-planned kits to buy but these were the only group shots they had.  

I hadn't planned to talk about gardens yet aGAIN (it's really all I think about in person right now) but here we are.  

Just consider this your friendly semi-annual reminder to embrace the fug.  LOVE the fug.

And love plants that are great for pollinators.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

She sheds seashells by the she shore.

Well, it's been a hot minute since I've been here but Springtime is Busytime at the Ranch.  I went on some work trips, had a quick trip to Nashville, went to Miami for a design show and didn't get sunburned - SUCCESS.  I did sweat through my first outfit of the year and it's only May... thanks, Florida.  But I got so many damn shells from the beach Florida should start paying me to haul away their junk.  


You should follow me on Instagram - I 'gram way more than I blog!
Wait, you can take shells from the beach, right?!  It's not illegal like taking plants from a national park, right? 

*mails shells back to Florida*

And after years of traveling I've FINALLY made a permanent toiletry bag so I can grab and go - SUCCESS.  All hail the tiniest of eye cream containers!  I'm adulting all over the damn place.  It's like a bukkake of responsible decisions around here.

When I wasn't jetsetting all over the Southeast region I've been doing never-ending amounts of yardwork.  This month is just so damn sweaty!  I'm reaching the end of my giant bush removal project (for this season) so I'll post some updates on that soon.  It looks... unimpressive for the amount of bitching I've been doing.

So what happened during all this tiny shampoo organizing and endless hole digging?  The Mad Men finale which I'm a season behind on so no spoilers, Janet Jackson announced a new album and tour (!), blackhead-removing videos are my new obsession and favorite lullaby and SHE SHEDS.  


here

She sheds are the hot new alliteration all over the websites your mom reads.  It's the lady version of man caves... in case women were feeling left out of the home decor world?  I read some hot take about "gendered spaces" but I could only get three sentences in before I lost all interest in living life.

She sheds seem like nothing other than a catchy blog post name for the cute spaces in a lot of Pinterest folders.  I think we can attribute all of it to that NYT cottage way back when - remember this shabby chic Victorian cottage that induced much eye-rolling (probably from this blogger too?).

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I don't really care anything about the concept of 'she sheds' and somehow just having a discussion about it feels like a women's studies class led by Mike Huckabee so let's just agree to let people of all genders drink wine while knitting dreamcatchers or brewing craft root beer in whatever small outdoorsy space they need.  End of discussion.

Of course, I like my own personal space so much I live alone in my own house.  IT'S THE ULTIMATE SHE SHED!

As a general rule, I'm very pro-shed.  Where I come from, 'behind the shed' is where you smoke for the first time, get fingerbanged or bury a body.  All are glorious rites of passage no matter which one you choose.  As an adult (thanks to my tween rite of passage, you guess which one), I find sheds very useful for all my dirty, dirty tools. Except for the gross barn I had removed last year...

And that's kinda the problem... sheds are gross (see above about numerous amounts of vaginal fluids and corpses) and are like poisonous hotboxes filled with all manner of critters.  I know what lives in a shed outside and it ain't ruffles.  It's spiders.  

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Just some giant open walls for maximum spider passage directly into your BED.  


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And if you want to have a potting shed and paint it pastel well then I hope the Lordt blesses you with a maid and a clue because obviously you've never potted a thing in your life.  My potting shed - because yeah I want one - would be made entirely of black rubber and metal so I can hose it down.  And it has air conditioning.  And a sink... ok it's just a small house filled with piles of dirt that I don't have to clean up.

Seems the UK has a huge shed movement but they are taking it to a whole other level: pub sheds!  Those squirrelly Brits also have a contest for the best sheds and they do not disappoint:

here
This urban bike shed is the winner of the best eco shed and it looks delightful.  Bet the British sheds are actual places to sit and have tea and probably not the prisoner of war shed like mine was...

I can definitely get behind this modern shed more than I can that lace and chicken fuckery above.  To each his own I guess.  I mean, she own...

But since this is my blog I get to feature the sheds/greenhouse/unattainable cottages I like.  .

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So let's shed this bitch

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Shed to the max.


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 Shed is bae.

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This glass shed of silence is adorable and I would like it very much.

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I could practically live in this one...

I lost the source...??
This one looks like it really came from a Home Depot kit and I approve.  Home Depot hobbit.  Of course, you could grow vines over a laundry crate and I'd try to rent it on Airbnb.

San Francisco's General Store by On A Hazy Morning
A single room is nice.  Small space for potting but you could also just sit alone with a chair and shut the door.  No judgment.

here
This counts as a shed. I bet getting fingerbanged behind this turns you into a fairy.

Nitty Gritty Dirt Man
This half-shed, half-greenhouse is my favorite because he gives you the plans!  How super.  It's a great gardening blog too.

But don't forget the most important part of the yard: Charlemagne.

Unknown.  I probably blogged it before anyway...
Cat shed.  

Just kidding I'd make her hang out in the she shed and kill the rodents that are nesting in my daybed.

I'll probably be blogging light this summer (I don't have a blog shed) but I'll try not to let a month go in between.  That's just rude.

Hope your May was delightful!  Hope it was in a shed.

UPDATE: After I published this post about eleventeenfifty shed articles came across my dash/stream/pins within a few hours which lets me know we all got shed brains right now.  But this one was worth adding.  It's technically a playhouse but I'm saying it's a shed... 

See the whole cute place at Rue
WITH A SLIDE.  All other sheds are moot.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Ranch updates and $KILLET KORNBRED

It ain't always glittery decor fun times and glamorous shopping trips here at the Ranch.  It's real life.  And a real life design blogger/house renovator is full of boring and tedious things in case you were confused by reading other blogs.  Sometimes I am.  

So here's an update about all the boring things I've been doing so far this winter that may result in nice things later.  Or maybe just needed to get done.

First up: the hallway.  My hallway hasn't been painted in about seven years so I figured it was time.  It's also time to give it some art and a rug and generally make it look like a real space and not just a forgotten space.  I think about 50% of my house is a "forgotten space" so I should probably look into that next...

After I painted my bedroom I wanted to connect it to the hallway in the name of continuity!  And I had some paint leftover.  So the hallway went from a weird dark brown to Valspar's Forest Canopy.  Now it looks like my hallway just couldn't contain itself and spilled over into my bedroom.

Sorry for shitty picture.  It's the same color and looks good, swearsies.
YOU CANNOT CONTAIN ME, NARROW SPACE!

Charlemagne cannot resist a camera or opportunity to sit even three inches higher.
When I first moved in and started working in my house rooms were made livable renovated really far apart so they're kinda disjointed.  Looking to fix that in the future.

The hallway took way longer to paint than I had wanted because the weekend weather got unseasonably warm.  Last year at this time was the Ice Hell in Atlanta and the South, remember?  This year, 60 and sunny.  Because of such glorious weather I decided to get a jump start on my yard projects


I know how to mulch but I only had one bag on hand.  Leniency, please.
I'm spreading the gospel of the Plant Swap/Charity and nabbed these mature Aucubas from a friend's house.  They were cut down for removal purposes and half dead so I hope they survive because I think I threw my back out digging these holes.  Hell, one root nub was too heavy for me to even lift so I drug it from the other end of my house to this spot.  You'd think I'd learn by now.

But what the Madame giveth, she also taketh awayeth.

After much deliberation I put four holly bushes out of their misery.


The small one.
Actually it was MY misery because I loathe these plants.  They were huge - the largest about eight feet in diameter - and almost too tall to trim.  Which they needed often.  And every time that happened I would come away scratched and bleeding.  Makes for a cranky Madame.  



Burn in hell, assholes.

I sprayed the exposed branches with Round-Up and in a few weeks/months a pair of strong young men will come and rip the entire stump mess from the ground with some chains and an F350.  Or just me and a nice friend because we are cheaper.  I love demo.  New landscaping will happen this Spring so YAY!  Buying my chiropractor visits in bulk!

I was hesitant to cut them down because they are probably 50+ years old and that seems wrong BUT then I talked to some smart plant people and they said holly bushes are considered invasive (you can see all those miserable runners on the ground up above) and a pest.  OOOHHH well in that case, buh bye.  There were also SEVERAL privet "weeds" (see in top pic) and other shitty vines growing inside the bush which grew at different rates than the holly itself and required different trimming schedules so fuck all y'all, we done.  



There were whole ecosystems inside the holly bushes apparently but being within Charlemagne's reach was not a smart real estate decision, birds.  I'm doing this for your future!

In news of garden projects that I can actually handle, I took a class and made a miniature garden!



The Barn Nursery (a local garden center for you non-locals) offered a fairy/miniature garden class.  I have no desire to put a fairy having tea and flipping through their miniature ipad in a garden but some people built swing sets and houses and lakes and all kinds of shit.  I just wanted to go because they had free moss, rocks and dirt.  FREE DIRT?!  This is what being a homeowner does to you.




Besides, I already had some gnomes at home (my Christmas gnomes from Salt and Ginger!) that needed a home the other eleven months of the year.  

I didn't do a succulent planting because I have enough of those and why not try something different?  So I tried things with, like, real leaves and shit.

I also started some cuttings from my rosemary bush last Fall and look how good these roots are doing?!



These will go in pots this weekend and hopefully all 6 cuttings I started will grow up nice and healthy.  Please pray for me.  Maybe I should get some gnomes for them too.

When I'm not communing with nature and/or mass murdering plants, I've been purging inside my house.  I've been undergoing a massive closet and beauty supply purge, supplying Goodwill for the next year and generally trying to avoid the allure of thrifting and junkin.  


More closet updates later, I'm sure.
Switched to all velvet hangers (and after the purge) I have sooo much space in my closet now.  Let's not talk about the sweaters...

I'm practically living life like a monk!  

Almost...  

I couldn't quite eliminate ALL thrifting and did acquire a couple of these vintage Biltons ironstone dishes for under a dollar and they are amazing.


Those are brown specks, not blood spatter...
Of course, I can't find any more to buy on ebay and the only plates I found where about $20 a piece so thanks for nothing.  This is my punishment for shopping when I shouldn't have.

In other kitchen "news" I got a cast iron skillet for Christmas this year!  So metal.  I asked for one because everyone - Mormon moms to hipsters to grandmas - seem to have one and rave about it so it seemed like the right thing to do.

What the MS Ranch looks like now.
I must say it's heavier than hell and it seems to require a nightly rub down and is more moisturized than my skin so I'm not sure I made the right request from Santa.  Did I?  I WANT THE $KILLET KORNBRED!

$KILLET KORNBRED is the name of my neo-bluegrass Insane Clown Posse cover band.

Hey, y'all remember when we talked about a haunted pirate house in California that kept burning down called the Cliff House?  Well a reader happened to see the postcard I included and sent it to me!



How cool is that?!  Thank you, J.  I have such great readers.  Please buy my $KILLET KORNBRED album when it drops.

You may also remember that I started working on organizing my jewelry last Fall and I finally have a solution!  We'll talk jewelry trays next week.  See?  I have follow-through!

The life of homeowner: full of destruction and sparkles and mild to moderate procrastination.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Wreath-tacular!

Alert the social media, I HAVE CRAFTED!  After last week's post on wreaths I kinda committed myself so I couldn't risk the embarrassment of failure.  ESPECIALLY around the holidays.  Santa would have been so disappointed.

Fortunately I have a fellow wreath-minded friend - Emily Rose - with a great property for foraging so a craft date was set.  We both foraged our respective yards and met for toast, christmas music and greenery sharing.

I was greeted with homemade jam and this upon my arrival:


Just a bathtub full of ivy, naturally.  Where else would you put it?

I wanted to go for a free-form simple wreath so no ivy for me.  I started with a piece of privet because fuck privet I hate it.  And of course this happened:


Fuck privet.  YOU ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING.  So it was too stiff (that's what she said) and I cracked it in half while trying to work it around (WHAT SHE SAID).

New plan.  I was already going to use cypress foliage so I just used the entire branch instead.  Duh.


Well lah di dah I made a circle!  I just wrapped floral wire around the ends and called it a day.  I did have to gently GENTLY coax/mold the thick part of the branch around to help with the shape just so it wouldn't pull that tightly on the wire.  I'm assuming most evergreens would be this easy to use at this time of year.  And you may need to take off some of the smaller stems on top to clean it up.  Business up top, party on the bottom.  Mullet wreath.

If you're looking to make a specific size of wreath my wreath is about 13 inches in diameter so my branch base to tip was somewhere over 40 inches.  I don't need anything that specific but if you do then don't forget 2(pi)Radius of desired wreath = length of branch.  MATH!  so handy for life's more important situations!

Back to things that are actually fun and interesting: rainbows and nandina!


Nandina foliage and berries look great right now so I mowed down a bunch from my yard and attached them with a small bit of floral wire too.  I think I threw in a small sprig of pine too and ended up with this:


Wonky and wonderful!  Well, close enough.  Maybe it needs a trim on that right side but overall I'm super happy with.  Honestly, excluding the time it took me to murder the privet at the beginning and for eating more toast I think it probably took about 20 minutes?  I bet I could knock one out in about ten minutes now that I have the magic technique.

That was so easy I decided to make another one since we were already destroying the kitchen.
Thanks for letting me ruin your house in the name of greenery, Emily.  That's one branch on the form FYI.
In case you didn't know, critters live in branches.  Every year when I decorate my mantel with cypress I always make a few new friends in the form of some teensy tiny spiders so you're forewarned.  Sometimes they're the tiny white/clear spiders which I think are kinda cute.  Your call.

I stole one of Emily's wire wreath forms - super cheap and reusable - you can see above and decided to do a fluffier option using more of the cypress base.  

I used about three long branches which were really easy to wire into the form.  I added some more nandina, some holly, a bit of cedar and pine and a few sprigs of dried crape myrtle buds.  


I didn't really even wire most of the extras on since they stuck in place fairly well.  Also, that holly is an absolute beast to work with so I was tired of getting my cuticles pierced.

Pardon the sad picture (hey, it was dark and I'm clumsy) but I'm definitely enjoying the final product: 


Ok it was actually a more round shape to start with but I when I closed the front door after hanging it the plastic hook broke and it tumbled to the ground...  Whoopsy.  Fortunately I think if I give it a haircut on the right side it'll be fine.


I also added these post-Christmas 2013 clearance sale antlers for even more hipster credibility.  I feel so 2013 relevant!  I think I also might add in some fresh rosemary the next time I'm outside in the daylight.  Perhaps even an LED faux candle?!  I'm gettin' outrageous over here.

But it ain't all about me.  Emily made this super adorable wreath for her exterior windows:


This is a wire base like mine above but with ivy and cedar.  I love how the cedar is hairy like a muppet wreath.  What I love even more is the "bow" made out of magnolia leaves and finished with some nandina berries.  That is so damn genius.

She also did a large wreath outside using a grapevine base with ivy, cedar and cypress with equally impressive results. 


This one is about 36 inches wide and I don't think it took her more than an hour just tucking branches into the grapevine. Super easy.  Again, I bet once you've figured out your system the wreaths will go pretty fast.

From Emily's Instagram
It's like we're in Vermont!  

So even including the extra wonk on these wreaths and the cuticle stabs from the holly overall I was super stoked about the project.  I would absolutely make them again next year and maybe even do more this year.  I can't stop.  

I mean, it's essentially free, smells good and it's quite possibly the most Christmasy thing you can do other than prove to Santa in sensual detail how naughty you've been.

But only if you like gift-giving older men more than crafts.

Shit, don't we all?

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Into the Woods

Happy start to your Glittermas, friends!  I hope you had a happy, meaty day last week and your bowels are back on schedule.  I had a lovely houseful of guests and pie.  I also accidentally stepped on an earring post and completely pierced my foot with a gold stud and then I slipped and fell in the shower in full shower curtain-grabbing, feet-over-the-head cartoon style.  So like a normal weekend.  Good thing I got that tetanus shot recently.  

I quickly forgot my tortured body because I soaked some frozen peaches from this summer in Fireball and sweet baby Blue Ivy that shit was good.  Put them on ice cream or pie or on a spoon and then into your mouth immediately.

Now the shower bruises are fading, the drunk peaches are gone and I finally froze the rest of the Thanksgiving leftovers so I guess we're fully committed to the celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, Capitalism, right now.

Just kidding I fucking love Christmas and already have all my presents bought!  Sadly my tree and house aren't even decorated yet because I've been busy this week prepping for a presentation tomorrow.  I'm going to teach a group of local 6th grade girls about design principles!  First I had to teach myself what the principles of design are so this should go great. 

Once I've learned those young, impressionable minds I can get back to the true reason of the season: CRAFTING!  I'm already knocking out my winter bucket list!

My major crafting goal this holiday season is to make a wreath.  
Cute lookbook here
Just like this future selfie I took of my beautiful future self and gorgeous wreath I future made.

Or maybe a swag if I realize I suck at making circles.
Kinfolk via sfgirlbybay
But I'm going to aim high first.

Geomorphic Designs Etsy
Or aim for SLEEPING DEER AND MUSHROOMS SO ADORABLE.  I feel like I would err on the side of zombie Santa Claus over deer but we're just gathering ideas.

Nicole Franzen
This is cute and simple - I think I could fake boxwood for privet?  I have lots of those.  I don't have a cute black door but I'm working on it for Spring.  Christmas 2015 here we come!


But I think I want to go even more natural and foraged straight from the best craft store: the forest.  That way if it looks like shit I'll just say it was on purpose because I'm going for that hipster vibe.

here
Twine is fine.

pin
This looks super cute and relatively easy.  But why do I feel I'll be crying and trying to make a noose out of floral wire soon?  

pin
This looks like sage and lavender and leather which is amazing and the new name of my desert perfume store and saddlery. 

unknown
I also like this look of just throwing together a wreath in an abandoned warehouse.  There's probably a used syringe just waiting for you in there.  Merry Christmas you have a dangerous bloodborne pathogen but isn't the bow nice?!

designlovefest DIY
here
I most definitely do not have the skills for these but I bet one of you do and you should do it and show me how.

Fox Fodder Farms via Nicole Franzen
I think I want to do something like this - it's wonky and random and looks like it came through the washing machine already.



Last two via Amy Merrick
Put a limp bow on anything and it's immediately hip.  Wire edge ribbon is so fifteen years ago.  You know who likes wire ribbon?  The same people who keep doing these live action musicals on NBC I mean damn.

So limp, wonky and foraged is definitely the hot way to go.  In wreaths and in personalities.  

I'm going to a friend's foresty property this weekend to gather all the limpest and hippest greenery I can find and tame into a round shape.

Loulies
But if it fails I can always just tie some rosemary together and call it a day.

Wish me luck!  I'll show the hopefully sad and wonky results next week.