A Black Flamingeaux Summer

*rolls rock away from cave, squints into the sun*

Look who it is, ghostbustin babes!  Feels like I've just been gone a few months but according to science it's been a year.  I have the internal clock (and body shape) of Jupiter.  If you're still here I applaud your loyalty/inability to update your blog preferences.

This year, y'all... truly the Coachella of all fuckfests.  Not only were all the planets in retrograde but everybody kept dying, we're in a severe drought and now we have Fuckface Von Clownstick with his tiny fingers too close to the nukes.  Feel the radiation burn.  I can't wait for this summer to be over.

But we did get Lemonade, Dr. Jillian Holtzmann and probably a lady president so there's that.  I had a really good hair day last month so this year hasn't been a total waste.

Turns out not blogging freed up some time to do some things like live life again, garden, write things in my MochiThings planner, renovate the Ranch and try to finds words that end in -o that I can replace with -eaux to make me sound edgier.  Pinteaux beans?  Dildeaux?

As much as we love butchering the English language, I know y'all love a rags-to-middle class makeover more.  Let me introduce you to my storage room/den/swingers' dungeon of delight that I spent six months transforming earlier this year.

This is AFTER the thrift store came and picked up tons of my shit to donate.

It was the former carport that was closed in some time 40+ years ago and never touched again. It holds my junk and Christmas decorations and Charlemagne also likes to nap in here because it gets great sunlight although you can't tell because the walls and floor are made of sadness.  Also duct tape which holds the seams together.

So New Year's day I had an itching to paint the walls and give her a good scrub down so I could quit thinking of this space as a sasquatch airbnb room.  Just a simple refresher, she said!  I'll be done by January 3rd!

Well the fresh paint highlighted just how ugly everything else still was...

Well, shit.  I guess I gotta paint my adjoining laundry room too...  And although the purists in my life wanted me to keep the original wood stain on the ceiling I just didn't have the mental strength to do any more loads of laundry under that shroud of cigarette-stained darkness.

The storage room/room of shame had an acoustic tiled ceiling which I assumed had wood underneath but wasn't sure.  I got bold after a gin-and-grapefruit one night and did some mild demo and WHEEEEE a pretty ceiling was revealed.

As was my new Spring hobby of removing hundreds of tiles and staples one by one.  

Look at that disgusting fan blade. I obviously didn't even go in this room...

My shoulders are boss now but my hands have been permanently deformed.

I have future plans for that stunning art, don't you worry.

So many tiles I had to Shawshank Redemption them and take them out in batches into my trash for a month straight.

Once all the demo was done and every staple were stepped on, each surface required three coats of Kilz and another three of Valspar's Ultra White in Satin finish.  I spent more time and money on paint than I ever have in my life.  But I LOVE the satin finish on everything.  All my future paint finishes will be this.

You have to cut in all this mess in the laundry room... Fuck me.

Time to go low.

Poor flooring dude scraping away two layers and decades of filth.

At this point since I was all in I decided to replace the disgusting old linoleum with fancy NEW LINOLEUM.  I was already spending all my tax return money so what the hell.  I didn't need that new laptop... The exact size I needed - down to the inch - was found in a dusty warehouse and that kind of serendipity can only be explained by Our Prince Who Art in Heaven and you can't say no to vinyl from the great dance club in the sky.

There were a few small hiccups to this whole process such as this disgusting brick ledge at the base of two of the walls I had to figure out how to cover nicely...

I just patched the wall holes, nothing fancy.

I found a handyman - who happened to be the kind of handsome that handyman porn cliches are pulled from - that helped take care of some of this mess.  He decided it would be easier to use a self-leveling concrete rather than building out a wood box over the brick and I didn't care as long as it was done fast and cheap.  Which is exactly how I prefer my porn.

Close enough.

It took weeks to get some concrete poured and trim installed and I'm just happy that I didn't end up in jail for murdering his handsome face.  Apparently beautiful people never developed the normal life skills that the rest of us ugly schmucks need to survive like time management, reliability and honesty. The longer I waited, the uglier he got.

Ok fine.

But in the end and after lots of paint this little ledge turned out more beautiful than he could ever be.  It's the Dorian Gray of home improvement projects.  And who would even care that this floor is basically plastic?!  Looks damn good to me.  But I'm just an ugly schmuck with Purple Jesus on my side.

Ahhh, sweet relief.  Not gonna lie, this room makes me immensely happy.  It's fairly huge - about 15x20 - and I do a lot of twirling in here.  And eventually yoga and barre and lots of crafting and other general merriment.

Don't forget about the laundry room!  I cannot believe I ever questioned leaving the dark wood ceiling.  My washing machine already leaked all over the floor and because my floor is waterproof I JUST MOPPED THAT SHIT UP NO PROBLEM.  

I haven't painted the back door yet. I just... couldn't go on...

Still looking for the perfect laundry room accessories and bins.  I think a rolling cart is in my future.  And lots of cool hooks.

The storage room of shame is now renamed the STUDIO and as soon as I get done caulking - so much caulk! Caulk everywhere! - I've got exciting things planned...

To review my extensive list of sources: Valspar Ultra White paint, IKEA Melodi pendants, brown "wood" vinyl from a local dirty warehouse, Edsal shelves I painted white and would never do again because it was awful, cheap rug from a different dirty warehouse, months of labor from myself, my dad and above handyman.

I had wanted to renovate this here blog or find another avenue for expression before I posted again but here we are.  Bloger is positively retro now.  I may not be posting mood boards and lifestyle fun times but I do want to keep a diary of home renovations.  I like to have the process all in one place and we can get all the other stuff at Pinterest.

But the exciting news is that this here studio space is going to become an Etsy shop in the next few weeks so stay tuned!  If you're still reading this you deserve a prize so expect deals and fun stuff just for you.  I might be entering an oversaturated market but I'm stoked and I have a lot of vintage beauties that need good homes like y'all's.

So I hope your year has been great so far and let me know anything I missed!  And how many Pokemon Geaux guys you've caught so far...

This makes me exceedingly happy.

There is a slim - we're talkin' Spanx on Spanx on Spanx slim - chance I'm going to get to redo my office at work.  I'm trying not to get too excited about forces beyond my control.  If I can't get my day space redone then maybe it's time to get my home office looking legit.  Not that I really use it but I'll FEEL more productive and that's all that really matters.  

Either way, there will be some useless paperclips put into a stylish home sometime soon, gawddammit.  I must corral the office supplies.  Sweet, sweet, useless office supplies...

While looking around for fun office ideas I stumbled across this little desk/nook/bill-paying station and think it's pretty much perfection.  Like Wes Anderson's accountant works here.  The lighting, the reclaimed wood that's not from a pallet, the mix of art and materials, the industrial tape dispenser, the faux (?) marble top...  it's all perfect. Right down to the trash can.  

Funnily enough I HAVE a trash can very similar!  The can itself is brass but maybe it needs some spray paint...?  I dunno, 'live and let live' has always been my philosophy regarding trash receptacles.  

I also have a trophy... because I'm a winner!  (It was an ironic trophy but I'm still a winner because it has my name on it.)  

I'm pretty sure my final space wherever it is won't look anywhere near as cool as this but it's okay.  I have that ironic trophy and that's all that really matters.  

This space is home of owners of Schoolhouse Electric in Portland.  The whole house is great but don't mind me, I'll just be right here making sculptures out of useless paperclips and industrial tape.

Because I'm a winner.

Peacock Pavilions: Looking Fine and Doing Good In Marrakesh.

If you're feeling extra sweet this week - gave away the last piece of pizza, made awkward small talk with a nice stranger - it's because of the stars.  Today the moon moves into Aquarius for the next two months and this is supposed to be a time for humanitarian acts, so says New Age people.  The cosmos WANTS you to put a few extra bucks into the Starbucks tip jar.  Even when they aren't looking, George Costanza.

In conjunction (astrology humor!) with this cosmological occurrence, this seems like a good time to introduce you to the story of the most stylish humanitarian on this side of the galaxy: Peacock Pavilions and its owner/designer/mom Maryam Montague. 

You've probably put your eyeballs on said pavilion many a time and didn't even know it.  You've probably pinned it - I did - I didn't even know it.  Well, I'm about to learn you real good.

Maryam, caftan enthusiast/nice person/blog friend, and her architect husband, Chris Redecke, decided to settle their family on an olive grove in Marrakesh and build an eco-conscious boutique hotel and resort.  As you do.  

So together they designed and decorated Peacock Pavilions, a box waiting to be checked on every design blogger's bucket list for obvious reasons.

This is her office where she overlooks the olive grove.

My office has a drawer full of nothing but hand lotion and Claritin...

This place could give us lessons in curtains.

But it ain't all Elle Decor spreads and Lonny covers, Maryam travels Africa and the world fighting for human rights and democracy.  She has a standing date with Amal Clooney to talk about running nations and fashion.  I made up the last sentence but I bet it's true.

I let a jerk merge in front of me in traffic the other day so I GET what it's like to devote your life to helping the less fortunate.  I live my life with compassion.

I think I need to live my life in Morocco too.

And in case you were distracted by all the good deeds, don't forget the staircase:

But since I'm a one trick pony with exceptional taste, I can't help but be drawn to her bedroom which is full of winter whites (do they have winter in Morocco?).  I guess if you aren't feeling the bleak midwintery vibe of the last post here's something in warmer weather for you.

BRASS DOOR FRAME.

It also has some custom wall stencils which might be the only wall stencils I didn't know I even wanted until I saw it.  

I custom made a headboard recently out of a Goodwill reject, scrap fabric and staples so I too like to surround myself with luxury.

I think this proves the point that if you're gonna go monochromatic you have to have a lot of texture.  Preferably if it's a pillow with a mohawk but you do you.

Sequins are approved, as well.

A window seat also helps.  Pretty sure you can only drink creamy drinks in here: lattes, Frappuccinos, White Russians.  If you drank a red Gatorade (or the Moroccan equivalent) in here it would probably give you heartbearn. [MS sidebar: I misspelled heartburn and couldn't figure out why it was wrong for about three minutes but like it better this way so we all have to switch.]

I'm loving this grouping of lanterns.  I have one "Moroccan" lantern in this delightful egg (?) shape but now it just feels lonely.  I think I need a baker's dozen.  I'll have to get rid of my dining table but I think eating while laying on the floor is very 2015.  

If you want to bring a bit of real Morocco to your house and not have it look like the culturally-appropriated tchotchke hurricane as you might see on tv, check out her shop for all the best in properly-sourced goodies.

If you're going to gift yourself a Moroccan wedding blanket, a handira, this is the place to go.  Pillows and poufs galore too.  

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Love the little bits of pattern with the pillows.  (This is similar to my pillow!).  I think what I like about this whole space so much is the mix of clean neutrals as a backdrop for lots of bright pattern.  You get the best of both worlds.

However, I'm rather obsessed with the BLACK wedding blankets lately:

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I think (?) Maryam is the inventor of the black wedding blanket and if that was the only thing she did in life that would be enough.  But also human rights 'n stuff.

Mr. Beni Ourain is still solid in my book despite the controversy lately over its apparent trendiness.  I don't think you can really call something trendy that has existed centuries before we were even born, can you?

Of course next week I'll be like "Ugh BOOKS. I'm so over this Gutenberg press hipster bullshit."

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I'd never seen one that with this color of gold before - such a nice variation.  Could work in bleak midwinter or if you're feeling more jazzy.

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So much jazz.

The shop also features tons of cute wall hooks designed by Maryam herself.

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It's like a cross between a hamsa and a peacock!  Because PEACOCK!  You're too much, M.  I'm not being an ass, I'm just excited because I didn't see the peacock until about one minute before writing this and I love a secret pun in silver.

Maryam, bored with her life doing nothing, has also founded Project Soar - an organization for underprivileged girls and women near Peacock Pavilions.  A portion of all proceeds from the shop benefit the program so buy as many protective peacock hands as you want (+1 for me).  

Fun fact: if you stay at the pavilion you get to ride on a peacock in a great race throughout the vast olive grove.  Just kidding, if you stay you can volunteer for Project Soar which is pretty cool.  I'm on board for dedicating my 2015 and beyond to women, yes?

My grandmother has a stray peacock that has started coming to her door to visit everyday this winter.  She lives in Texas if that helps explain it...?  Regardless, she named him Fred so if I want to race a peacock I'll try the family bird.

Familial bird-racing aside, I'm writing this overt love letter to the PP and MM because I truly believe we're seeing the real thing.  In the often shady world of internet life it's really refreshing and inspirational to find a person and cause that is not just talking the talk but walking the walk and doing it with boss style.

Make sure to check out Maryam's blog, My Marrakesh, and follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Pinterest.  Or you can do more than read this here blog post and buy her book, Marrakesh by Design, or even donate directly to Project Soar.

If nothing else I recommend you follow her on Instagram for lots of pictures of the party life at Peacock Pavilions but mostly for this:

And this:

And this:

All photos are from Elle Decor, Lonny or Maryam's site/Instagram/book

More like Kitteh Pavilions, amirite?

How do cats meow in Arabic?  Like, they 'meow' in good old American, 'miao' in Italian, 'mrow' in comics...  These are things I think about when I travel.

I have yet to see a picture of a peacock AT Peacock Pavilons but maybe they have to keep them separate from the cats... Probably smart.  I don't think Fred and Charlemagne would be friends.

I received no compensation for this post but I'd take a Moroccan cat if they were handing them out...

Bleak is beautiful

Despite the fact that people think this blog is snarky (Is it?  I was going for delightful self-loathing.), I generally try to find the good in all things.  I'm a regular Lil Miss Sunshine Butt.  I burned the rice?  Mmmhh smokey grains!  Lost my keys?  A good reminder to slow down.  Hangnail so ornery it goes to my elbow?  The blood lets me know I'm alive!

And although I've been blessed with an abundant posterior, even this Sunshine Butt isn't big enough for this month.  I'm kicking ass with my "New Year's Resolutions" but I think we can all agree that this month is cold, wet, dark and generally fucking miserable.

January is an asshole.

Paris, Quentin de Briey pin

There ain't a damn holiday within sight and every time I see a piece of glitter leftover from Christmas I clutch it to my chest and remember the good times.  

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I eat a lot of plain Irish oatmeal.

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I forgot what the sun looks like.  You'd think my big Sunshine Butt would hold large reserves of Vitamin D but you'd be wrong.  I'm so listless I just perambulate around like a drunk slug.  Do slugs perambulate around?  I think they do in January.

Sigh... It's bleak out there y'all.  But I'm trying to see that bleak is beautiful.  

San Bernadino Ossuary, Milan by Adam Silver

Yes, those are skulls.

So I've collected all of the greyest, coldest, harshest things that have been elevated to beautiful so we can get through this month of misery.  We'll make dirty snow an art form, yet.

Rachel Dein

Then we can all say we're miserable for the sake of art.  

Or the sake of an online mood board.  

I feel even bleaker now.

Stromkajen Ferry Terminals in Stockholm via Dwell

I am OBSESSED with this space and picture.  It's bleakness gives me strength.

Andy Torres here

I can do all things through bleak who strengthens me.  That and full skirts.

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I'm finding myself celebrating the bleakitude of some fine traditional details and architecture this month.

La Coulee Verte, Paris here

The few times I've been fortunate enough to go to Europe has been in January which is the worst month to go anywhere other than the Equator.  But I'm IN EUROPE which was pretty fucking amazing for a hillbilly.  So I think now I associate January with frigid self-guided architectural walking tours where I don't speak the language and get lost a lot but have wonderful experiences anyway.

Remember last year I went to Germany and it was bleak and frigid and I still did amazing things there, right?!

From my trip last year. I think this is an art museum. I didn't actually reread my post...

See, it ain't all bad!  Just pretend you're in Europe and not instead building up the courage to get outside and start your car in the mornings.

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It's best to blend in to your surroundings.  European camouflage.  I'm pretty sure I practically scream "HI I'M AMERICAN AND LIKE PIZZA ROLLS" wherever I go because I'm the whitiest, roundiest and blondiest Applebee's-looking waitress that continent has ever seen.

I mean, I try to wear cool sneakers but I think it's just in my pheromones.  I smell like cheap gas and a glaring lack culture.

La Chateau de La Celle via Art of the Room

Maybe if I TRY to be more bleak I'll blend in better. 

I'll aim for sad Applebee's waitress next time I travel.  Aren't they all?

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My apologies, that was a cheap shot at hard-working people in the food service industry and I haven't been to an Applebee's in many years.  

But I've been to more Applebee's restaurants than castles so...

Eltz Castle in Germany here

A bleak castle could DEFINITELY make my January better.  Next year?

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I love this litttle shadowbox (?) so much I can't see straight.

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Honestly, this goth castle is probably good in July too.  It's my personal princess castle.

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Cologne Cathedral in Germany by Guy Sargent here

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Ok frankly all of these places I'd like to winter, spring, summer and fall in.

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It's vaguely bleak but also friendly.  I'm feeling better about January already!

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Welp, this place is going on my winter bucket list.  So carving.  Much fairytale.

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The Louvre here

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Now that I'm looking at all these pictures I think it's just the same Instagram filter...  I bet these things were from someone's iPhone in AUGUST.  I feel betrayed.

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Betrayed and bleak again.

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I'll add forlorn into the mix to round out the assortment.

Stay beautifully bleak, my friends.  Maybe visit an Applebee's and tip well.