Monday, May 27, 2013

Will you make me one of these planters, chili pie?

Party people, I hope you had a fantastic three day weekend full of cheap beer and even cheaper wieners of questionable origin.  

I entertained some wieners on Saturday (their origin is homosexual so nothing questionable going on there) for a Frito chili pie party.  Wheeee!  I don't think I've had a Frito chili pie in about 15 years so when a craving struck me, I couldn't resist.

We all need more Frito chili pie in our lives.

I even like the phrase 'chili pie.'  It's kinda trashy and maybe even a tad disgusting but in a slightly sexual way.  In fact, I like it so much I'm going to replace my normal nicknames with it.  No more 'sweetheart' or 'honey,' it's 'chili pie' from now on.  

"Hey, how you doin,' chili pie?!"

via Serious Eats
My chili pie totally looked like this... *shifty eyes*

I should have spent the next two days at the mall throwing my money at fine retail establishments to support America, but instead I spent it digging in the dirt.  Don't let anyone ever tell you a design blogger is a glamorous job.

Ok I also watched Arrested Development which is the whitest, most Americanest thing I can do, really, so yay 'merica.

Planting season was about two months ago but I like to toe the line of proper lawn maintenance and respectability.  I got 75% of the way done with my chores and had to quit because the shovel was starting to rub a sore spot on my palm and I'd rather have an ugly yard than rough, calloused monster hands.  

Having my yard and patio become the oasis it is destined to be is taking a bit longer than I expected.  But what do you expect when I kill at least 30% of the living things I bring within the borders of my domicile?  Good thing Charlemagne is so resilient.

I'm continuously working on my container gardens which is about three years from looking like this:
via Living Arrangements
Just put things in a pot, they said!  Let nature do the work, they said!  

They are more monstrous than the almost-callouses on my hands!  I'm stuck even finding cute containers to put things in.  No wonder people use old wheelbarrows and shit.  Vessels are expensive.

here
Unless you can just use what you have laying around or stolen from a nearby renovation project!

The worst part of this crime is how much effort you can tell they put into it.  You know in their heads they thought "Hmm, in what way can I upcycle these toilets in a really fun but MODERN way...??"

But terrible doesn't always have to be on such a grand, shit-tastic scale.



I'm all for DIY - I gave perms to my mother starting at the age of 11 and I was awesome at it.  But we can just say no, sometimes.  Neon, unlike wine, doesn't make everything better.

I swear to gawd if I see a toilet planter with some neon triangles painted on it, so help me...

So this is why I've gathered all the best DIY concrete planters on the interwebz that you could feel safe doing and not feel my wrath.

Ne-OOOOOONNNNNNNN! 

That was a Wrath of Khan joke but it probably doesn't read as well as it played out in my head.
Martha Stewart here
First off, Martha Stewart can never steer your wrong.  Make these handsome fellows out of giant metal mixing bowls and some concrete.  Oh Martha, you need to keep your hands off our dating sites and stick to what you know best: crafts and cold, hard concrete.  

(Like your heart)

(Possibly vagina)

(ew)
Martha Stewart here
I don't even care if you do have a rigid and grey vagina because these faux bois planters are sexy.

Or if you want something smaller, there's always the milk carton versions which is the same process as when you made plaster vases in vacation bible school when you were five except there was sooo much glitter and pipe cleaners and the red paint that ran on the tables like rivers of blood and then the jeezus face sticker the teacher had to put on there for you because it was the Fourth of July and it's jeezus's favorite holiday, y'all, and omigawd I have VBSPTSD...
Martha Stewart here
But these are toootally different...  You can even make them for Satan if you want.  I don't care.

Or you can always jazz 'em up a bit like these:

Apocalyptic vessels from Big Red Sun via 2Modern
Don't forget to use your Gatorade bottles and Fabuloso containers to get some groovy, well... grooves.
via Rad Megan
A jeezus sticker would really fuck up the vibe, here.

via Ideas
What kind of terrible, chemical-laden liquid do I have to ingest to get some pretty ridges like those??
buy them on Oh Laszlo's etsy
Of course you can always just keep the milk cartons but add some pizzazz!  Or neon if you were so inclined which of course you are.  Maybe even a bit of pastel.  I don't know your life.

But if you're like me, the thought of making things with concrete seems... motherfucking heavy.  I've actually been collecting these tutorials since last Fall thinking I'll make some planters before the Spring but AHAHAHAHAHA I'm lazy.  My biceps aren't ready.

However, according to Martha Stewart and a bunch of people on Pinterest that are smarter than me, we aren't limited to a material with the density of a black hole.  

Enter hypertufa.  It sounds like an ancient Egyptian drag queen but apparently it looks like this:
via Magia Mia
But is lightweight and made of fairy dust or Martha Stewart queefs or something.

Lowe's tutorial and even a video
I don't know... a lot of the above Martha Stewart containers were made with it and Lowe's has a  tutorial too.  I think this might be the future.

Until I start a strict meth diet, I'll probably not get around to making any of these but I really hope you do.  Maybe even go crazy and do this one:
via Centsational Girl
Send pictures because that looks really hard and I'm not sure a real human can do it.

Maybe I'll just do this:


It's the hippie crystal votive holder version of the toilet.

10 comments:

  1. Yeah, my yard is a big giant (hot) mess right now. Think something like dreadlocks, but grass. 100% natural, organic, and ready for a drum circle should the spirit move anyone...who also has the drums, cause I don't have a djembe. But I'm telling myself that because we had such a long mild spring, I still have time to turn it into an oasis.

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    1. Dreadlocks grass made me laugh out loud. Fortunately your yard probably looks BETTER when it's 100% natural, organic, granola grass so I say run with it! Yay for hippie lawns!

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  2. This post is reminding me of just how badly I have failed at landscaping in my first six months as a homeowner. But honestly, that shit is hard. I don't even know where to begin. I have this vision in my head but actually implementing it stresses me out so much that I end up doing nothing but sitting on my couch and drinking beer in the air conditioning and pretending like I don't have a yard.

    Also, frito chili pie is amazing. It's one of the culinary things I learned while living in Oklahoma, along with uses for Ro-Tel and Velveeta, the pleasures of cherry limeade from Sonic and good brisket. Sadly I no longer eat it because ever since I decided to get all healthy and shit, things like frito chili pie turn my innards into a digestive Hiroshima. Sadface.

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    1. Well I'm glad it's not just me. I thought you just put shit in the ground and watered it a bit but NOOOOOO. It's hard. Way hard. It took me almost 4 years to tackle some basic things and 3 years after that I'm still struggling. Nice yards are way undervalued.

      Everything you just listed is on my top 10 foods that love but try to not consume more than once a quarter. But my chili is vegan... can you leave out some of the cheese and bacon and other delicious toppings to make it play nice?

      PS You know what's good after hours of yard work? A CHERRY LIMEADE!

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    2. OMG now I almost want to spend an afternoon toiling in the hot sun just so I can have a cherry limeade right afterward. GodDAMN that stuff is delicious.

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    3. Bribery is the only way I can get myself to do anything.

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  3. What do I have to do to earn a Jeeeezus sticker around here? Besides down a Chili pie, I mean.

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    1. Obviously, go to vacation bible school. Duh.

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  4. Oh God, you read my mind. I may actually do some pot painting this weekend! We have five kabillion tiny planters of succulents because our shut-in neighbor decided to purge is fifty-bamillion collection and curbed them. Of course I vultured as many of those bad boys as I could carry, but my mom informs me most of them need larger vessels (hehehehe, for some reason I think that's dirty). I want plants, not chores, but neon and gold makes all things better.

    PS The "Until I start a strict meth diet..." sentence made me cackle out loud to an empty house like a crazy person. In front of a window. I'm sure passers by are calling men in white coats.

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    1. What? Free succulents FROM THE CURB?! You are one lucky lady. I will say, the plants/pots that ARE surviving really do give me hope and energy to keep going. The pots really do make a difference so I do think it's worth your time to slap a little gold on something and put something from the curb in it.

      PS You're welcome. Also, where can I buy meth?

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