You can't spell vacation without Doritos Locos Tacos and hippie crystals.

So I took a little break but I'm back now.  I know every post in the last three months starts like that but I was literally on vacation so it was legit this time and not before where I was just napping and drooling a lot while on Pinterest too much.

Let's catch up on some things and I'll tell you about me and then you tell me about you.  As long as 'you' doesn't involve going on a real vacation to some resort somewhere involving saltwater and good hair in which case you should just unfollow this blog post haste because your cute beach bangs are pissing me off already.

I had a half vacation/half staycation last week which is like the half-caf of holidays and just as douchey.  For the half vacation part I ventured to the heart of the South, my dear neighbor and inbred cousin, Alabama.  There I partook of lots of fun Alabama things like hugging people, thrifting, drinking, watching Netflix, drinking and looking at trailers.  

That's almost exactly like my staycation now that I think about it...

But there was one spot that I visited that felt special and think you would like. 

I spent a lazy Sunday morning at The Overall Company which is a great little coffee house slash house of hipster jizz and antiques and amazing things.

Way to go, Alabama.  Chattanooga is jealous.

I told you it was a special place.  And not special like the It's Fashion I went to either last week which was special but in a different way.  Special because I felt like a pioneer blazing a trail to a place I'd never been before which was confirmed by the rainbow of colors and the sales associate when she straight up asked "You... haven't been here before, have you?"

To which I adjusted my nerd girl glasses and said indeed I hadn't.  I don't know how she could tell.  But the jokes on her because I bought two dresses and DON'T YOU JUDGE ME EITHER THEY'RE CUTE.

But not as cute as this place.  

A spider also floated down from the ceiling as I was in the dressing room of It's Fashion so... there's that.

But I had a live cockroach fall out of a shirt I was trying on at a Marshall's one time so I think the real lesson here is stop being such a cheap bitch and go to a gawddamned mall  where there are nicer stores like Forever 21 and Rack Room Shoes.

The staycation part of my adventure was really exciting as well.  Between dealing with the torturous pain of an oncoming zit on the side of my nose and cleaning out my closet, I felt exactly like how Kim Kardashian must feel all the time: like a queen.  

Of terrible things.  AKA Kanye West.

But I soon forgot my pain because I had more important things to attend to...

here

...and Benedick Cumbersnatch did not disappoint.  (My snatch)

I'm the lamest vacationer ever but this is what happens when you're poor and don't plan well.

And when I wasn't shifting uncomfortably in my seat thinking about Star Trek, I had a full Game of Thrones marathon that involved lots of Cool Ranch Doritos tacos and a not-surprising lack of pants.

here

I think I cried y'all.  That shit was intense.  I even had to sit down my taco for a few moments.

But on to shit that you really care about - I'm growing my nails out like it's 2012!

I'm on my way to looking like this:

The cashier at EarthFare and I had a deep and involved conversation over my organic beans about the pointed nails and she, having had them before, told me they were great.  

Modern manicures.  It takes a village, y'all.

In other important black events (please don't make an It's Fashion joke - that's racist), I think it's time we start defacing some statues:

These are from a Danish artist Uncle Allan but I bet we could DIY these with some fake limoges from the thrift store and some evil intentions.  Pinterest would probably weep and I would laugh and laugh.

But if that kind of DIY scares you because you're a tiny little crying baby then may I introduce you to my other DIY project that I'm totally gonna do soon...

Like right now...

After I watch this episode of Game of Thrones...

I've been squeeing hard at all of the Ashely G stuff at Urban Outfitters.  Don't judge.

Duvet

I think it's cute but I don't want to sleep with it - I think it would give me indigestion - BUT...  I was kinda tempted to cut it up and wrap a canvas with it.  Maybe shellac it or some shit.  I don't know.  I'm pretty sure I could probably PAINT something for less money but that sounds like it would involve more effort on my part and I just have to click that one Paypal button...

Piller

But I can't make her jazzy pillow so maybe I'll just stick with this lesser priced option that requires no work.

I kinda want to buy said pillow and these Mellby chairs from IKE-Rah for my living room...

They look super IKE-Rah here but are much nicer in person.  Well...  

They're not grey but actually black and white houndstooth which isn't as bad as this swatch makes it look.

Do we still buy furniture from the Swedish gawds?  Do you think it's made of horse?  I don't really have the energy to craigslist for the next 12 months and then reupholster that shit so I'm thinking the Swedes might be winning this deal.  

I'll keep looking for pillows.  And chairs.  I'm sure I'll make a decision soon in June of 2015.

But one thing I AM sure about is all the quartz I've been creaming my panties over.

I want a million of you.

Ebay has a ton of these quartz goodies for relatively cheap ($23) however you do have to pay shipping from China ($14) so I'm not sure if that works out good but I think you're still better than whatever Z Gallerie junk might be available.

And then our bathrooms might look like this:

here

That's looks like how I want my vacations to feel.  When I have money one day.

Only thing that could make that better would be if it was in my house and had one of these on the shelf:

My guests would be so scared they might pee before they even make it to the toilet.

Worth it.