Thursday, January 16, 2014

Did someone put acid in my humidifier or is it just the sheets?

So somewhere in my bags of bags I've lost my phone cord so trip pictures will have to wait.  I had to go outside and sit in my car for a few minutes in the cold last night to charge my phone LIKE AN ANIMAL!  My neighbors probably think I'm trying to kill myself but too stupid to figure out the correct way to do it.

Until ghost cord turns up and I can give you Germany in all its winter glory, here are some lesbian beds.

This is blogging math.  It always equals out.

Lesbian Beds is series by Tammy Rae Carland and now you know as much as I do about the project so let's enjoy together.

Since I love the spaces we occupy so much I am naturally drawn to art that focuses on those spaces too.  Don't worry, I'm not drawn to strangers' beds so you shouldn't fear me creeping into your house for covert snuggles or photographing you while you sleep.  I'm not Edward Cullen.

Mostly you're safe from me because other people's sheets kiiiinda gross me out.  Not in the "you're a disgusting human being with Cheetos toes and garbage armpit funk" way but in the way that there's probably that sleep smell that all beds and pajamas have.  But your own funk is okay because it's your own and therefore cancels itself out.  

Stink math all equals out too.

But you do not get a pass on raunchy-ass pillows.  Or raunchy Ass Pillows if that's a thing.  If I see that your pillow looks yellow and has large dark stains like maybe you murdered someone in your bed during the DJ Tanner era and then immediately forgot how to use the washing machine for the next two decades then we have a problem.  I don't care if it is your favorite woobie, wash that stinky piece of filth made up of your dead skin cells and petrified drool.

I'm saying this in my best Dowager Countess voice: I cannot abide filthy pillows. 

I'm not sure if she would even say the word pillow in polite company.  I'm not fancy enough to know these things. 

And I'm not sure how the Dowager Countess feels about lesbians but I bet she'd come around pretty quick.

I don't know who these lesbians are but I thoroughly approve of their pop culture mash-up here.

Although I love the plethora of patterns and colors in picture form it would probably drive me to insanity to sleep on such a wide variety of prints.  Dear gawd, animal print?!  Where are my smelling salts?

I require all my sheets to be white.  In recent years I've branched out - hey, I'm growing as a human - to other shades like ice blue, dove grey, off-white and the very bold, even offer white.  I do have a set that are pale cream with a damask-y pattern that was a gift but I only save them for wild nights like when I got a new humidifier or I shave my legs AND moisturize.  I have to mentally psyche myself up for it otherwise I'm very anxious and my Cheetos toes get all fidgety and I have terrible dreams.

I may not sleep on them but I do find it hard to resist a cheery retro print like the ones above.  Maybe I could start a naptime during the weekends in my guest room and use crazy sheets...?  Even if they do have vintage sleep smell and garbage armpit funk from the 60's it might be worth it to try.  It might give me murderous nightmares or maybe beautiful rainbow dreams!  

Will I be bold enough to try?! Let me shave AND moisturize my legs and then we'll find out!


  1. I wanted something much more exciting from a piece titled "Lesbian Beds". Where's the jewel encrusted iguanas or ironic plaids? Jewel encrusted iguanas ON ironic plaids!

    These are just beds with dull linen choices. Except cheetah pattern pillow clash and the pop culture duelists. They kinda made up for everybody else.

    1. You must hang out with some cool lesbians!

      I like that they are kinda boring and (pardon the pun) sleepy bed shots. Maybe I'm just sleepy...? Or slipping?!?!?!? Let's hope for just sleepy.

  2. Always after I shave and moisturize I think "This occasion deserves something special" ... and I bring my best sheets.

    1. Exactly. A lot of effort was made and thus a reward.