Monday, January 27, 2014

The Glam Grotto Hustle

I don't know if any of y'all have left your homes recently on account of the Deep Space temperatures but I did and didn't die so yay global warming.  I ventured out of hibernation to see American Hustle and let me tell you I haven't worn a bra since.  

Perfection Here
The effect is slightly less glamorous and more "Hey hillbilly, your nipples are pointing in different directions!" but I just ignore it and tighten my wrap dress because I'm all about the swinging seventies now and I care not about your lack of appreciation for nipple diversity.  

But I'm pretty sure that all nipple appreciators (this is going in a terrible direction...) can agree on the magic of J Law and A... ok just Amy Adams.  For a preview that didn't really grab my interest, I can tell you that it was worth leaving the mound of blankets and cat on my couch for.

Black and yellow, black and yellow from Retro Renovation
A solid 75% of that might be because of the fashion and interiors.  65% was due to stellar acting and 25% because of "science oven."  

I began to have an intense lust for sweet, submarine yellow.   This is weird as I normally am blech to yellow but dammit if Amy Adams didn't turn me lesbian.

American Hustle Pinterest
For the color. Lesbian for the color.  I think...

I was obsessed and distracted by her apartment which she is casually hanging out in from the picture above looking gorgeous enough to make me want to eat that yellow chair with a knife and fork.

American Hustle Pinterest
The movie has a Pinterest page which is both cool and weird that a movie has a Pinterest page but fortunately it had great shots of her place so it made my job easy.  They don't appear as bright and glam as in the movie so take your bra off and use your imagination if you haven't seen the film. 

American Hustle Pinterest
So much white on white love.  Just imagine how great Charlemagne would look in here.

American Hustle Pinterest
The dining room had me leaning out of my seat in the theater trying to see around the characters because I don't understand how moving pictures work.  Warm, yellow grasscloth, abstract art, more white on white, funky lamps...  I feel dizzy from the retro perfection.

American Hustle Pinterest
Can't forget about the massive amounts of glorious (faux) fur too.

So now I'm in full 2014-is-Seventies-Appreciation-Year mode and pulled a bunch of swank spaces for us to rub ourselves on.  I even pulled a few Kelly Wearstler images just for this post - that's how serious I am because you know K dubs and the Madame have a checkered past.  That damn chair makes me itch (ESPECIALLY if an errant nipple touches it!) but it's warm with lots of contrasting textures and loads of white and I can't help it.

The 70s queen K Dubs via Sukio for these two images
I need a grotto very badly.  A glam grotto.

(Glam Grotto is the new nickname for my vagina, BTW.)

(Glam Grotto Hustle would be the name of my fake strip club.)

via Dwell
Or maybe I could just time travel here to Warren Platner's American Restaurant in 1974.  Pour it up, pour it up.  That's how we ball out.  

In the seventies. 

via Dwell
Here's Platner's reception area (I believe) for Windows on the World at the top of the North Tower of the World Trade Center completed in 1976.  It's like Star Trek meets grotto with a Dalek back wall.  So much love.  RIP.

via Dwell
Is this K dubs again?  Nope, it's our friend Platner with a FUR-COVERED COUCH in the home he designed for himself in Connecticut in 1970.  This fucker does not mess around.

There's something about the mix of sparkly glam and scratchy textures that really speaking to me right now.

Xnet? Honestly, the site was in Hebrew so I have no idea.
Could it blind you with reflection or sandpaper your face off if you laid your head on it?  Then yes I'll take two please!

via Freshome
An arc lamp and animal pelts are grotto musts.  When in doubt, cover it in leather or put some glass on it.  For easy cleanup.  

For the above space, Renaud De Poorter and Femke Holdrinet renovated the interiors for this "New Brutalism" home (check out more here) that I'm digging.  Mostly because I had no idea there was such a thing as New Brutalism so prepare yourself for that upcoming post!

from the book Living Spaces via Design Crisis
You think I'm joking but the amount of South American Brutalist concrete in my 'blog ideas' folder is quite massive. (Building material pun!)  But I like this other side of seventies too - the cold concrete side.  I'll throw some fur on it, polish up the arc lamp and we're ready for the swingers party. 

Cuz that's what people did in that decade?  I don't know I wasn't born then.  Maybe that's a good thing.

via The Elegant Cast
White on white on kilim. Are those white Kandinsky chairs?  Hot shit.

Ok so this decade's photography leaves much to be desired BUT think if Lonny was photographing these spaces for now.  We'd all lose our shit for those over-exposed-lighting-from-the-window shots and giant art.

Last three from The New York Times Book of Interior Design and Decoration, 1976, via ebay
Maybe this is getting too far away from my Glam Grotto mood board but I can't stop.  These spaces are too great.  Great bad.

Francois and Betty Catroux apartment, NY magazine, 1968 via Time Lines Vintage
If your vintage room doesn't have Frank Stella then why are you wasting my fucking time, Internet?

from Australian Vogue Living via MidcenturyJo's Flickr
Okay now we're getting back to swank and sizzle.  (Swank and Sizzle is the name of the lap dance and steak dinner combo you can order at the Glam Grotto Hustle.)

That is straight up relevant to all design bloggers right now, don't deny it.  Except the art on the ceiling...?  That's how you can tell a real 70s room vs. a current design blogger room - there's always something funky in the retro room that absolutely confounds you.  Or the space looks like people are getting ready to have sex in it.

Exhibit A:

Last two from The Apartment Book via Desire to Inspire
This one has a "small town girl moves to big city but is broke and reluctantly meets porn casting director for the first time" vibe and this picture was taken three seconds before his dick got some fresh air.  The name of the porn would obviously be "Welcome to the Jungle" with the cover shot taken in front of that tree in the back. But I'm totally blogging it for the windows and the white.  And for the leather tongue chairs but more to make fun of them.  They kinda prove my point.

A quality retro space needs to look like a pornstache lives there.  I bet there are some hairs of questionable origin on that couch if you look close enough.

And somehow we came back to white and yellow and black again.  I'm still feeling it but I can't help but squee hard for Platner anyway.  I think if photographed better it'd feel pretty relevant.  But then you notice the Wheel of (mis)Fortune white greyhound by the couch and the daisies - DAISIES? - on the table.  So close, retro room.  So close.

These last few images came from the bowels of the internet - a site made in 1999 (!) called Ugly Rooms for the Beautiful People whose sole purpose was to mock and shame the interiors from the 1975 Better Homes and Gardens Decorating Book.  

Based on the obscure and pedantic references I'd thought the author an aging queen who came out later in life and had a penchant for gin and making ditzy women cry at parties from the overwhelming intensity of his acid tongue but after a quick google search it turns out he's just a journalist.  And an old-school blogger.  Ugh what is it with bloggers lately?!

"It's just a bunch of crap tossed together with no theme, no unifying design, or color.  You just know it smells like old cigarettes and socks."

I'm not going to say that I didn't laugh because even though I really dig all of these rooms, this one probably does smell exactly like old cigarettes and socks.  

Let's get Lonny to rephotograph it and have wet Beyonce do some dirty bidness with those dining chairs Grammystyle and I bet even Mr. 1999 Blogger will be singing a different tune. 

But for real you should go back in time and read Ugly Rooms for the Beautiful People because it's much better than my 2014 blog. 

I would never make you cry at a party.  I would probably be in the corner looking at your wallpaper or checking out your floor tile and might make you cry from second-hand embarrassment but never because I was being pedantic.  I'm not even sure I'm using 'pedantic' correctly because I'm way more concerned with decorating my Glam Grotto (room vajazzling?) and trying to get my hair to do that thing that Jennifer Lawrence's does.


  1. OK, this is going to sound really dirty, but ...I need to take you into my grandmother's basement sometime, so you can experience the 70's firsthand. Shag carpet and a curved couch you would instagram the shit out of ;) It's where I go shopping when I need stuff for my house.

    Also, American Hustle TOTALLY stole the painted pegboard pot rack from my kitchen board on pinterest. I'm sure I'm the *only* person who has ever pinned that.

    1. Ooh I didn't know you had a basement! I'm couch obsessed so yes, prepare to see it on IG. ; )

      Just think - that kitchen pegboard was retro and Pinterest didn't even know it! Actually, that apartment was really glam and then to see the kitchen and how "garage" it looked was weird. I'm sure it was accurate for the period but it seemed so disjointed to me!

  2. Oh God, I think I own that book....for fun. Ironically.

    *shifty eyes*

    Yellooooooooooooooooooow forevah!

    1. I lurve vintage decorating (and travel) books. This dude hated it but I was getting inspo so he should never come to my house. I think I'm safe.

  3. I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the best virtual strippers get naked on my desktop.