Bleak is beautiful

Despite the fact that people think this blog is snarky (Is it?  I was going for delightful self-loathing.), I generally try to find the good in all things.  I'm a regular Lil Miss Sunshine Butt.  I burned the rice?  Mmmhh smokey grains!  Lost my keys?  A good reminder to slow down.  Hangnail so ornery it goes to my elbow?  The blood lets me know I'm alive!

And although I've been blessed with an abundant posterior, even this Sunshine Butt isn't big enough for this month.  I'm kicking ass with my "New Year's Resolutions" but I think we can all agree that this month is cold, wet, dark and generally fucking miserable.

January is an asshole.

Paris, Quentin de Briey pin

There ain't a damn holiday within sight and every time I see a piece of glitter leftover from Christmas I clutch it to my chest and remember the good times.  

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I eat a lot of plain Irish oatmeal.

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I forgot what the sun looks like.  You'd think my big Sunshine Butt would hold large reserves of Vitamin D but you'd be wrong.  I'm so listless I just perambulate around like a drunk slug.  Do slugs perambulate around?  I think they do in January.

Sigh... It's bleak out there y'all.  But I'm trying to see that bleak is beautiful.  

San Bernadino Ossuary, Milan by Adam Silver

Yes, those are skulls.

So I've collected all of the greyest, coldest, harshest things that have been elevated to beautiful so we can get through this month of misery.  We'll make dirty snow an art form, yet.

Rachel Dein

Then we can all say we're miserable for the sake of art.  

Or the sake of an online mood board.  

I feel even bleaker now.

Stromkajen Ferry Terminals in Stockholm via Dwell

I am OBSESSED with this space and picture.  It's bleakness gives me strength.

Andy Torres here

I can do all things through bleak who strengthens me.  That and full skirts.

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I'm finding myself celebrating the bleakitude of some fine traditional details and architecture this month.

La Coulee Verte, Paris here

The few times I've been fortunate enough to go to Europe has been in January which is the worst month to go anywhere other than the Equator.  But I'm IN EUROPE which was pretty fucking amazing for a hillbilly.  So I think now I associate January with frigid self-guided architectural walking tours where I don't speak the language and get lost a lot but have wonderful experiences anyway.

Remember last year I went to Germany and it was bleak and frigid and I still did amazing things there, right?!

From my trip last year. I think this is an art museum. I didn't actually reread my post...

See, it ain't all bad!  Just pretend you're in Europe and not instead building up the courage to get outside and start your car in the mornings.

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It's best to blend in to your surroundings.  European camouflage.  I'm pretty sure I practically scream "HI I'M AMERICAN AND LIKE PIZZA ROLLS" wherever I go because I'm the whitiest, roundiest and blondiest Applebee's-looking waitress that continent has ever seen.

I mean, I try to wear cool sneakers but I think it's just in my pheromones.  I smell like cheap gas and a glaring lack culture.

La Chateau de La Celle via Art of the Room

Maybe if I TRY to be more bleak I'll blend in better. 

I'll aim for sad Applebee's waitress next time I travel.  Aren't they all?

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My apologies, that was a cheap shot at hard-working people in the food service industry and I haven't been to an Applebee's in many years.  

But I've been to more Applebee's restaurants than castles so...

Eltz Castle in Germany here

A bleak castle could DEFINITELY make my January better.  Next year?

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I love this litttle shadowbox (?) so much I can't see straight.

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Honestly, this goth castle is probably good in July too.  It's my personal princess castle.

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Cologne Cathedral in Germany by Guy Sargent here

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Ok frankly all of these places I'd like to winter, spring, summer and fall in.

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It's vaguely bleak but also friendly.  I'm feeling better about January already!

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Welp, this place is going on my winter bucket list.  So carving.  Much fairytale.

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The Louvre here

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Now that I'm looking at all these pictures I think it's just the same Instagram filter...  I bet these things were from someone's iPhone in AUGUST.  I feel betrayed.

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Betrayed and bleak again.

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I'll add forlorn into the mix to round out the assortment.

Stay beautifully bleak, my friends.  Maybe visit an Applebee's and tip well.

I'm dreaming... of a DARK Christmas.

I don't know about y'all but I'm thoroughly enjoying my Christmas season so far.  

CHRIIIISSSTTTTMAAASSSS!

The key was getting all my shopping done sooo early - pretty much right at the start of December AS INDICATED BY MY WINTER BUCKET LIST WAY TO GO, SAUCY!  I have zero stress and have spent way less money overall since holiday shopping is usually a "one for you, two for me" event.  Now I'm spending that money on charity!

And socks.

Not my feet but whoever's feetsies these are remains unknown

I don't know why I'm addicted to socks and legwarmers this season but I am.  Maybe have toasty warm lower extremities is the reason I'm so sunshiney right now.  

That and I'm spending all my not-shopping time crafting and listening to Luther Vandross Christmas music.  It's a recipe for spiritual success, I tell ya.  My preferred Christmas music is, surprisingly, gospel and Tevin Campbell's 'O Holy Night' is my favorite holiday song hands down.  I might be a godless heathen but who can resist a full choir and an early 90's R&B sensation?  

But even Luther Vandross' smooth velvet voice may not be enough for some people.  Look, I get it.  Christmas is not everyone's favorite time of year and it can be a real shit show triggerfest of misery for a lot of people.  It's all about family and money and display and religion and religious display and that's everyone's perfect storm of emotional issues with some crippling financial debt sprinkled on top and you have to pretend to love it all or you are labeled a grinch.  (Probably by me.)  

I'm certainly not immune to my own brand melancholy this time of year either despite my large amounts of glitter and feeling like I want to hug everything.  An overly tacky light show or a nice lady in a Santa hat at Big Lots might reduce me to tears and I'm not 100% sure they're always tears of joy.  

Whatever kind of melancholy or emotional trapeze work we're all doing, it's not all jolly all the time.  Maybe this is why I've been enjoying the recent rise in popularity of another sunshiney Christmas face: Krampus.

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In old European folklore, St. Nick came and rewarded all the good kids and Krampus, his horned holiday partner, kidnapped all the bad kids took them straight to hell.  I guess... I don't know where he took them but that's a pretty good guess.  Maybe the South Pole?

Doesn't that sounds a lot more exciting than Elf on the Shelf?  Europeans did not fuck around.  

Every year in the beginning of December some European towns celebrate Krampusnacht where drunk dudes dress up in their most beastly attire and terrorize the streets in a big parade.  Just like baby Jesus would have wanted!  Maybe they were trying to get to the manger but got lost.  

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It's like SantaCon but less scary.

I'm liking this live action kind of Christmas terror.  It's the perfect combination of Halloween and Christmas.  It worked for Tim Burton and it can work for us too.

Speaking of Halloween, I also learned recently of the Christmas spider - do y'all know this Ukrainian story?  About how spiders spun webs all over a poor woman's Christmas tree and when Santa (or the Christ child, depending on which version you read) saw the webs he turned them into silver strands.  And that's why we put tinsel on our tree.  True (internet) story.  Spiders are actually a sign of good fortune on Christmas morning so put THAT in your eggnog and drink it.

So maybe the key to an enjoyable holiday that doesn't make you question your worthless existence (if you even choose to celebrate) is to not pretend the sadness and dark places and gross spiders don't exist but instead to embrace them like Santa's other half and maybe give them a parade.  For historical reasons and our own sanity. Like Civil War reenactors but for mythology.  (Probably shouldn't embrace a spider though.)

So that's what I'm doing this year - having a dark Christmas.  It's still glittery and shiny and fun but I'm making an effort to have more balance.

(That's partly because I still have a giant tree all decorated in white and sparkle that I'm not trashing just for a completely goth holiday this year.)

(Just a goth Rudolph.)

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Looking straight into your black soul.

I'm highlighting plenty of skulls and horns and fur as part of my dark decorating but I think including quiet, velvety colors and morose Instagram filters will work just as nicely.

Elle Chavez

Perhaps celebrate your tacky, pathetic tree.  Then abandon it in the wild. 

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Or don't decorate at all and stare longingly through your neighbor's window and watch their festivities and happy lives like the neighborhood creeper you are. 

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Perhaps delight in your garden variety death and decay.

But if all that ain't your bag just enjoy some blackened jewel tones and dulcet sounds of Luther Vandross and drink egg nog spiked with Fireball until you black out.

Saffron cinnamon wreath (yum!) via Call Me Cupcake

I would like to eat this until I black out as well.  I've never cooked with saffron but even if it's terrible a satin ribbon can do wonders.

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It's all about the lighting.  

Skimbaco Lifetyle

And snuggles next to the lighting.

Khado Photography

I am kinda feeling this wintery picnic idea (don't question the green grass).  It's like a Dutch still life brought to, um, real life.  It's full of dying flowers and skulls and pewter finishes and candles but also a yummy festive feast!

Lara Jensen millinery works

Merry Christmas, sad Dutch girl!

[MS sidebar: after I had collected all the images for this post I discovered the photographer above, Lara Jensen, was inspired by 'vanitas' or Dutch still life paintings for this collection and photo shoot.  Zing!  I like synchronicity.  It makes me feel like I'm not crazy.  Or crazy in the right ways.]

So a momento mori/vanitas holiday it is!

Beth Kirby of Local Milk

I don't remember art history that well but I think everything in a still life meant something... skull is mortality (thanks overpriced college degree for that stunning deduction!), rotting flowers meant something... timely?  Citrus meant something too but I'm choosing to be blissfully ignorant here and celebrate citrus for its seasonal charm instead.  #pomanders

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You know what else has seasonal charm?  Crocheted ornaments from your memaw starched so stiff they could be used as ninja throwing stars.  I love them. I'm not sure how Krampus feels about them but I think he'd approve.

Do you see the yule goat on the right? here

Actually, I'm not sure how I got from Krampus to Luther Vandross to Dutch still life to your memaws talents but it all makes sense in my head.

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More satin bows...  For some reason these limp bows are making me exceptionally happy and/or sad this year.  Or am I the only one that is projecting picking up some emotion here kinda like crying at the nice Christmas lady at Big Lots?  It's a weird time of year.

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Regardless of your feelings about satin bows, cheers to making all our lonely, depressed, overtaxed, overfed and undervalued moments have a little color.  It's our holiday prayer this year.  

Who do we pray to?  Krampus, obvi.

Soho Interiors

Or to the Pinterest gods that all our crafts and saffron bread wreaths will turn out divine.

Go home and get your dark on.

Wanna Vanta? It's blacker than hell and stronger than death...

This is your year, Wednesday, because SCIENZE did a thing.

Thanks to a Smarty McCalculuspants in jolly old England a new super black has been invented.  It's blacker than black.  It's called Vantablack and it does not fuck around.  

Vantablack is the darkest material ever produced absorbing all light except for .035%.  Charcoal absorbs all but 4% and my heart absorbs all but 2.3% if that gives you an idea of what we're dealing with here.  Basically, Vantablack is a stealer of light.  Probably souls too.  It's a Dementor.

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It is also grown on tinfoil.  Dawww... that's kinda cute.  Would really add something exciting to my indoor container plants and seems like a natural fit with my BLACK THUMB.  

Puns.

Actually, I'm pretty sure this is how the robot Dementor army is born...

Vanta is actually an acronym for Vertically Aligned NanoTube Array which is what happens when carbon nanotubes are 'grown' on foil using Satan's magic.  I interpreted this as a jizzillion tiny black holes woven into a fabric that you can buy off the bolt at Hancock's Fabrics soon right?  

This is gonna take my ninja game to a whole new level, y'all!

I'm a little obsessed because it's basically a fabric so dark it limits your perception to two dimensions.  Name a chintz that has that kind of power, I DARE YOU!

Okay maybe a toile but that's really a technicality...

And what better way to celebrate a scientific breakthrough than with contemporary art?  Art's resident void-lover Anish Kapoor has expressed an interest to work with this new fancy material.  I think this seems like a natural fit considering:

Oracle

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Untitled A

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Void, 1989

Descent into Limbo B, 1992

Hole much?  

If you're like me then the first you thought of (besides a beautiful Nightmare of Infinite Wednesday Addams Ninjas) is that Vantablack would be perfect for Acme Portable Holes made famous by criminal masterminds like Roger Rabbit and Wile E. Coyote.

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And that's exactly what artist Tom Estes created in 2012 when he made his 'Portable Black Hole' using the darkest carbon nanotube material ever created at THAT time.

Honestly, I thought those tourists were a different art installation they are so perfect.

It absorbed .045% of all light. 

That poor scientist is like the guy on Price is Right whose bid becomes worthless after the asshole next to him bids $1 more.

No Showcase Showdown for you, sir.

I've heard nothing about what Kapoor is going to do but one million dollars says it's a hole and people will call it spiritual and a brilliant commentary on the future or it's "intended as a reminder of the multiple, idiosyncratic pockets of forgotten histories; of absence and the unseen and unrepresented; multiple conflicting realities that exist side by side with official or recorded 'histories.'"  Oh wait that's what someone said about Tom Estes' hole.

They shoulda just left it at a fun hybrid of science and toons because I feel like that might be more accurate in this case.

Interestingly enough, another artist is working with the 'blacker than black' concept. Frederick de Wilde is working with NASA on some different carbon nanotube technology.  No word on his percentages yet...

"Klein's first artwork was drawing in the blue sky, my dream is to draw in deep space."

Now this art scientist describes his work as being heavily influenced by the work of Kazimir Malevich (no idea) and his invention of Suprematism - the "supremacy of pure artistic feeling" - as well as Russian mystic-mathematician-philosophers (is there any other kind of mystic-mathematician-philosophers?), the idea of "going beyond zero," Stanley Kubrick, Yves Klein's blue, Anish Kappor (hey hey!) and a lot of other really smart talk on contemporary (nano) art.  There's no mention of a robot Dementor army in embryo form but the whole article is worth a read.

He says he views his "nano engineered macroscopic art pieces as spaces of refusal, but also as spaces of imagination."  Despite the next sentence being something about us living in a media-saturated environment (ugh. gag me with a spoon, I hear that shit every day) I'm feeling some things about this way more than that "pockets of forgotten histories" jackoff noise.

Spaces of refusal... I mean, gotdamn!

I don't know maybe sometimes black holes can change the perception of space and time or maybe sometimes they are cartoons or sometimes they are just delicious cups of strong coffee and all equally important depending on what time of day it is and how much of the latter I've had to drink.

Or maybe it's all the same and I'm an uncultured swine but irregardless let's get ready for a Large Hadron Collider wallpaper collection coming soon!

Fun factoid: when I visited Germany last January for a design conference several speakers talked about the emergence of 'darkness' as an upcoming trend.  (Think big global movement not 'barf, chevrons.')  More than just the color black they described it as an engineered 'tension' which sounds delightfully ominous and maybe why I'm so obsessed by this material.  

Also, the NYT reported that Donald Kaufman announced black as the color of the month for November (oh we're doing colors of the month now?) so maybe it's starting...!  

I find trend forecasting to be incredibly fascinating so this might be absolute bullshit to you and that's okay.   But next time you see a neo-goth-warrior-princess-from-the-future editorial in Korean Vogue or have a good cup of black coffee maybe it'll make you pause...

...and think about watching Roger Rabbit because that shit was good please RIP Bob Hoskins.