Swirl, tap and buff probably means something different to Jonathan Adler

In case you had some extra money laying around that you weren't using I present to you this:

It's like 2003 exploded on your face with the Jonathan Adler limited edition Bare Minerals kit!  You get a giant-sized foundation to impress people at parties while you cover your zits, a fancy Buki brush that will look like cheese log after two weeks because you know you never wash that shit and an acrylic shoe box to put it all in.

At $60 and only 5 shades of foundation, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR GAWDDAMIT?!?!?!?!

Neveryoumind that I switched to Pur Minerals 3 years ago, I still love the JA, his husband and even their brand of happy, snarky chic they make me gag on from time to time.

Except this.  The only gay men I let near my face are the ones working at Sephora and MAC.

I can't wait to order my John Robshaw tampons.  After a few uses I'm sure they'll have that nice, authentic third world feel that you normally pay big money for.

Let's not leave the ladies out!  Kelly Wearstler can work magic with metal so make sure your favorite manmember picks up the finest $700 polished brass cock ring for his jewels. 

Can't wait for the Fab sale of John Derian's line of cling wrap for your leftovers...

These are million dollar ideas here and people will give you money for them.

Not me.  But people.

"I AM THE DANGER!" said my sinuses.

Pardon my extended internet absence but holy motherfucking snotballs.  What I thought was a small seasonal allergy problem actually turned into a sinus infection straight from the molten sinuses of Hades.  I haven't been that sick since I was 12.  Yeah, I was that kid in school with nose spray in class.  

But I'm on the mend and have almost regained full hearing in on my right side!  I didn't know quite how bad it was going to be because my status seemed to fluctuate erratically.  I would wake up thinking my fever had broke only to have chills and thoughts of death soon after.

Friends would call to check on me and I'd say "I'm fine! I'm making spaghetti!" and then 30 minutes later I would find myself confused at a gas station wearing flip flops and a poncho, trying to buy Funyuns with my Blockbuster card and wondering why I had Bolognese on me.  

Turns out that 'fever breaking' was just me getting really sweaty.  And large quantities of snot seems to do something to your brain function as the gas station cashier can attest to.

The exciting part was that laying on the couch continuously gave me reason to finally watch the entire Breaking Bad series uninterrupted!  And watch it I did.  EACH AND EVERY GLORIOUS EPISODE.

After two seasons, I thought I was doing okay last Sunday afternoon so I put on a bra (you're welcome, world) and traveled to the shittiest grocery store (it's the closest one to me) to restock my supplies.  I've been on that hard shit of ibuprofin and Mucinex DM for 2 days so things were pretty dicey.  

It was the quintessential grocery store junkie run from the movies - dirty store, whacked out star of her own mess, flickering fluorescent tube lights above while I drove my buggy with the spastic rotating wheel through the aisles past redneck caricatures of themselves.

Even though I'm avoiding dairy (which is probably the reason for this damn sinus infection anyway), I teetered my way through the refrigerated sections really slowly so I could feel the cold air on my feverish face.  I thought Walter White might be on to something standing naked in the refrigerator aisle but I couldn't even find the courage to put a cold tube of biscuits under my arms like I desperately wanted to.  I guess this means I could never find the courage to cook meth for a living either.

But I managed to come home from the grocery store in one piece with more decongestants, tin foil, 2 kinds of white bread, 3 kinds of nut spread (peanut, almond and Nutella), half of dozen Vitamin Waters (Electrolytes are important) and a Garden & Gun magazine.  It looked like I was stocking a meth lab that made suburban lunches.  I could survive at least a week on that shit which was good because I had a lot more Breaking Bad to watch.

Turns out I didn't need a week - just a few more days.  How can you watch 5 seasons in only 3 days? Well, turns out that because of my malfunctioning brain and strictly white bread/nut spread diet I had accidentally taken 3 times the correct dosage of decongestant and was awake for almost 36 hours straight.  I was inadvertently high on those pesky "meth" starter drugs which allowed me to binge watch a show about people making meth.  THE IRONY!  

It's a good thing I couldn't sleep that much because when I did one of my eyes crusted over in snot anyway. 

So I soon finished Breaking Bad and was still sick and the universe hated me.  But then it felt guilty so it sent me the Jonathan Adler catalog in the mail.  Daaawwwww...  it's only two weeks later than every other person on the internet but I appreciate the effort, Universe.

I didn't do any swooning but I feel marginally better after I saw this peacock table:

And those wall tiles.

And that screen/room divider of rotating tile thingies... (??)

My brain tells me I shouldn't like Jonathan Adler because all of his ceramics are bascially stolen from mid-century modern pieces but I fell in love with his white vases before I knew what Rosenthal was.  

Exhibit #1: Bitossi Rimini Blu miniatures from DWR

Looks familiar, huh?

I also went to his first store in SoHo during my very first trip to NYC over a decade ago.  Memories.  

You know what's a bad memory?  When I went back to work last week and coughed so hard I threw up and broke some blood vessels in my eye.  I'm the picture of health.

images via Sukio

So I let a lot of things pass for dear old JA because I like that coffee table and Simon Doonan a lot.  And I collect all the Adler Christmas ornaments.  Once they go on sale of course.

So what did we learn this week?  

-We learned to always reread your medication directions.  

-Take your design gods with a grain of salt.  

-Charlemagne's superpower if finding my tender, swollen lymph nodes under my arms when she tries to make love muffins.  

-My superpower is, sadly, creating snot.  And watching tv while on speed.

More Breaking Bad gifs here for your funsies.

Hopefully I'll be back to feeling like this soon.