Let's talk Tilda.

Some people follow Kim Kardashian and her perfect face contouring like a cult and then there's the rest of us.

The rest of us with our normal boneless cheeks and sagging jowls need an androgynous weirdo to worship.  *enter Tilda Swinton stage left riding a baby dragon and reading a newspaper*

Tilda's such a badass who gives less than zero fucks.  Negative fuckitude.  

Sometimes she sleeps in a glass box for ART.  I think she's an alien fairy that rides cyclones for fun.  

AND I heard that even though she's married she has a hot young boyfriend that travels with them on family vacations and shit.  *raises eyebrows*  I just KNOW there are strap-ons and crying involved.  (Maybe her boyfriend's name is Cyclone...?!)  I have a good sense about these things.  I'm really good at deciphering kinks.  

Well other than gay stuff and people with foot fetishes...  

And people into clown sex, infantilism, Furries.... ok pretty much I can only tell kinks that might possibly involve me and even then I'm like, "what am I supposed to do with lederhosen and a dozen jelly donuts but okay you bring the baby wipes."

I'm totally kidding.  

I of course already have baby wipes.

ANYhosen, when someone in my Tilda network of devotees sent me this link to her spread in May's W magazine I had a moment.

Gawd, I want to go to there so bad...

This is how I imagine I look like walking around my house.  DON'T YOU?  Imagine yourself, that is.  Don't imagine me cuz that's weird and creepy.

But then I had another moment because this place looked familiar to me and not just because of the hallucinations.  Turns out, the location for this shoot is something I blogged about several years ago!  I'm a trendsetter!

Long time readers may (probably not) remember Los Pazos in Mexico built by eccentric, surrealist weirdo Edward James.  Relive the magic (and nudity) here.  He already sounds just like Tilda.

Vintage picture of "Stairway to the Sky"

Some dude named Jacob K styled the shoot and probably read my blog and didn't credit me with giving him the great ideas but whatever.  It's cool.

Gowns work great in the jungle of weirdo love.  Good job, Jacob K.  

Here's Tilda contemplating weirdness (and what she's going to do to her young manfriend later tonight) in a different gown while in quantum flux.

This space is known as the "Cinema structure with the double staircase."  Looks so empty and lifeless without Tilda who I'm not even really sure is actually alive...

The top picture is from W and the bottom is a vintage photo of the entrance to Edward's living quarters.  I bet Tilda did something really artistic and/or perverted up in there.

But in a gown.

This could be Tilda's O face but she's most likely sending out a mating call to other aliens on our planet in a frequency us humans just can't hear.  

You may only approach Tilda if you've dipped your entire arm in a sterile vat of fairy piss before being coated in powdered Smurf clay.

It is physically impossible to complete a fashion editorial shoot without including an all white, albino alien look.  It cannot be done.  You can Snopes it.

I'm actually terrified of her now but really in love with her finger jewelry so I'm willing to overlook this.  Also, I'm trying to be nice so we can work out a timeshare for Los Pazos and maybe even her hot young boyfriend.

I'll bring the donuts and baby wipes if he can swipe a few gowns for me.

Swirl, tap and buff probably means something different to Jonathan Adler

In case you had some extra money laying around that you weren't using I present to you this:

It's like 2003 exploded on your face with the Jonathan Adler limited edition Bare Minerals kit!  You get a giant-sized foundation to impress people at parties while you cover your zits, a fancy Buki brush that will look like cheese log after two weeks because you know you never wash that shit and an acrylic shoe box to put it all in.

At $60 and only 5 shades of foundation, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR GAWDDAMIT?!?!?!?!

Neveryoumind that I switched to Pur Minerals 3 years ago, I still love the JA, his husband and even their brand of happy, snarky chic they make me gag on from time to time.

Except this.  The only gay men I let near my face are the ones working at Sephora and MAC.

I can't wait to order my John Robshaw tampons.  After a few uses I'm sure they'll have that nice, authentic third world feel that you normally pay big money for.

Let's not leave the ladies out!  Kelly Wearstler can work magic with metal so make sure your favorite manmember picks up the finest $700 polished brass cock ring for his jewels. 

Can't wait for the Fab sale of John Derian's line of cling wrap for your leftovers...

These are million dollar ideas here and people will give you money for them.

Not me.  But people.

I don't even have tags to fit this post but it has pretty things in it...

I don't know what it is lately but I'm tapping into my inner Daryl Hannah (we all have one) and digging some mermaids.  Please, no clam shell jokes. 

Just kidding, please leave them in the comments if you have any.  Duh.

dead fish

But of course I'm loving the art school weirdo-meets-Gareth Pugh-meets-Lisa Frank kind of mermaid - lot of dramatic (waterproof) eye makeup, outfits made of seaweed and leather and flippers colored like the murky depths of uncharted waters.  I want murk colored things!  It can be glittery murk because helloooo, I AM a mermaid.

You disgust me with your beautiful merskin and hauntingly innocent fish gaze.

Yes, exactly like this but with waaaay more middle fingers pointing to my mercrotch and replace the crown with one of those hats that you fill with beer and has tubes that go straight to your mouth.  Except I want wine, naturally.

Um... how'd ya get up there, huh?!

Maybe it's the recent discovery of my perfect drunken mermaid hut or my brief visit to the ocean or that I wrote an angry letter to Netflix for not having Splash on streaming (fucking assholes!!!) but I just can't explain it.  Nor can I explain what the fuck is going on with this photo shoot.

I found the top image through Jeffrey Campbell's - yes that one - amazing tumblr which is awesome but also confusing because he has a lot of mermaid inspiration posts but is a shoe designer.  Hhhmm....   Maybe all this mermaid stuff is really just a backhanded way that my brain is telling me to buy Jeffrey Campbell shoes.  ALRIGHT FINE!!

But I followed the link from JC to find where my spirit mermaid came from and found the motherload of mermaidness here.  I still have no idea what is going on but I leave you with this image:

This has really fucked up my mermaid fantasy...

But not my shoe one!!

Foxy Wood

Thank gawd.

Hideaway

If Jeffrey Campbell made flippers I'd probably dry hump a fish with my face to get some.