Babes with shields. (And a few hot shirtless dudes.)

Snowed in this winter?  Bored with your miserable life?  Seeing Rand Paul shushing a woman makes your face erupt into flames?  Well have I got the solution for you, friends!  It involves spending all your free time on the couch/heaven watching badass women do badass things.  

I seem to have hit a run of great shows involving women doing amazing things like The Fall, The Honourable Woman, Bletchley Circle and Happy Valley.  All BBC shows with great female leads while Viola Davis is over here holding up the entirety of America.

[MS sidebar: I'm not sure why every show about women has to feature the brutal imprisonment, torture and raping of women but it does so take heed and maybe spread these shows apart in viewing.]

And although this show doesn't technically have a woman lead, I've become obsessed with the History Channel's Vikings.  Like, I watched the entire series - two seasons - TWICE over the holidays and through January.  Back to back.  Like a psychopath.

I thought it would be a poor man's Game of Thrones with the production value of Sharknado and I was proved wrong.  It has an actual plot, is beautiful to watch, full of good music and ancient magic AND I done learned some things.  Thanks, History Channel! 

I'm not gonna lie, this helped:

And this:

As well as Alexander Skarsgard's less conventionally-attractive but exponentially more talented brother:

I personally think he's the more attractive one but I'm a weirdo.

But a whole helluva lot of love for the show is because of this woman:

This is Lagertha (read like LAGertha not laGERtha which is how this hillbillly would have said it).  She's based on a real woman and is married to Ragnar (the lead, also a historical figure) on the show.  Lagertha is special because she's a shieldmaiden and will destroy you in battle.  I just love the word 'shieldmaiden.'  

Shieldmaiden.

What's nice about the Vikings is that women could be warriors and hold positions of power and divorce their husbands and have some semblance of equality.  Well, as compared to other historical times.  Utopia this was not.  But you can feel pretty comfortable watching this show.

I mean, careful of the intense bloodlust and battle scenes.

And you don't need to have watched the show to appreciate this appreciation post.  Just enjoy the aesthetic details and communal celebration of women kicking ass and taking hard-to-pronounce names.  

And celebrate monumental braidwerk.

Braids on fleek, said the old white lady.

I mean shit gawddamn.  Take a moment to marvel at the neckline here.  I wish Target would have a line of Lagertha-inspired clothing.  If Olivia Pope can make it to the masses then I think we need a Viking line.

Gladiator, indeed.  

Can ANYONE rock a dead animal and a murderous glare quite as effectively?  I think not.  

And this bad bitch knows it.

But she has a soft side and an appreciation for white kittehs so I feel maybe we are kindred spirits.

Just a warrior angel, chillin' in some Norse finery and a braided fauxhawk.  

Fun fact: the actress that plays Lagertha, Katheryn Winnick, is a third degree Black Belt in Tae Kwan Do, a second degree Black Belt in Karate as well as being a licensed bodyguard.  

I groaned when I picked up the laundry basket earlier...

That is an accomplishment in itself - the extensive martial arts training not my feat of strength - but my pet peeve is watching a woman in an action role with absolutely nothing but a pretty face and an uncomfortable lack of coordination and body awareness.

This is not one of those actors.

I also appreciate the fact that she wears real armor and battle gear and not the metal corset courtesy of Victoria's War Secret that many female fighters end up wearing.  Don't forget to look super sexy while you're decapitating someone, ladies!  

Legend (Wikipedia) says that the real Lagertha fought just like a man with only her hair giving away her gender.

I kinda wish there was a Brienne of Tarth and Lagertha crossover moment.  They would make a vicious blonde duo.

I hate the concept of 'penis envy' but that sword is definitely a dick in this gif.

Back-up bitches.

And lest I linger to long on my lesbian crush this talented ladyperson, there are plenty of other fine ladies on the show too for your enjoyment too.  But shieldmaiden, y'all.

I'm gushing about all this right now because the third season starts SOON on February 19th and that gives you plenty of time to binge watch the first two seasons!  You have over TWO WEEKS! 

Season three doesn't seem to disappoint because we have more braids and dope weaving:

Can I say dope?  I can't think of another word that expresses my appreciation and awe.

There's just a lot more costuming wonderment in general.  I think this is a combination of a crushed velvet and leather lattice cape, vest made of the skins of weak Englishmen and some statement jewelry.  What's not to love?!

The History Channel appears to have its own tumblr (??) dedicated to Vikings and they posted this A++ video (sorry, can't embed) to recap the show.  The whole video message is "HOT SHIRTLESS DUDES.  BABES WITH SHIELDS."  How could you not respect that?

So even though I've fallen down the rabbit hole of historical tv (HAHA JK I live there already) lately with my Outlander appreciation, I still think y'all would really dig this show.  You can watch it on Amazon, Hulu or just History.com where you can watch them all for free (no cable subscription required). [Update: it's apparently only the second season on History.com - sorry!]

And if you think I might be a fan, please take note of this:

From Katheryn Winnick's Instagram

Well at least it trumps a Tweety Bird tattoo.

All pictures gathered from my internet adventures on History's website and blog and tumblrs like vikings-shieldmaidens.  Sorry, I didn't really plan for this post to happen so... 

This 'n That But Mostly THIS

THIS LADY.

THIS lady.

THIS GAWDDAMN SUMAMABITCH HUMAN GARBAGE LADY.

THIS lady's TED talk about disability and "inspiration porn."

THIS beauty "cloth" aka loofah towel of exquisite torture.

THIS secret love shack.  Actually, I'd like to enjoy its angled beauty alone so... secret masturbation shack?

Speaking of orgasms... THIS comic.  First one's free.  The comic not the orgasm...

THIS painting.

THIS illustration.

THIS 7000* year old Donkey Tail. 

*age is approximate

THIS corner of green.

THIS green corner.

THIS animal bone wedding tiara.

THIS eyeliner.

THIS... partliner?

That's all.  I'm working on my bucket list and figuring out how to upholster a headboard!  

The internet makes it seem so easy.  I'll probably quit halfway through and play with eyeliner...

Straight from the ModSauce secret underground laboratory: the best natural body scrub on the internet!

Alert the Pinterest Gawddesses on high because I have an epic project that will make you squee your panties something fierce.  And I invented it.  Completely.  I probably shouldn't even be telling you this and instead be busy jarring this stuff to sell at the local market where I'll be making jizzillions of dollars in a few weeks time.

Magic is in this lowly IKEA jar, y'all.

Last Fall several things happened in a perfect storm of unfortunate events that led me to create such a masterpiece.  

#1: I was eating a LOT of salsa.  I mean, ALOT LOT.  Several jars a week were disappearing due to my apparent undiagnosed lycopene deficiency.  My recycling pile was getting embarrassing and loud with so many glass jars that looked like a perfect size for something if only I could figure out what...

#2 Apparently lycopene does nothing for your skin because I'm a big scaly mess of lizard skin every winter.  Thanks, turning 30.

#3: I was (am currently and always will be) poor.  Probably from buying so much salsa.  I was also out of my favorite $45 salt scrub to help with scaly lizard skin.  I say 'favorite' like it's something I bought all the time when really it happened once and it lasted me over a year because I was too scared to even use it because it was so amazing.

So cue cartoonish light bulb moment of me standing over my recycle bin with scaly elbows hugging a tiny container with the dregs of a fantastic body scrub...

I'M MAKING MY OWN SALT SCRUB, MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Cast of Saucy Characters (or in this case, Salty Characters) *wink*

Now, I know you're thinking that there are already a shit ton of recipes for body scrubs on Pinterest so why is mine so amazing?  Other than the fact that I made it, the secret ingredient is vegetable glycerine.  Now all my secrets are out!  You can quit reading.  

Just kidding.

Don't do like those other recipes and create a shower of impending death by using slippery oil like olive or almond or whatever.  Yeah, it takes away the lizard skin but the reason my $45 a tub scrub was so amazing was because it was non-greasy and washed away clean from the tub.  So I put my powers of deductive reasoning hat on and read the fucking ingredients on the back of the container.

You can buy a gallon of vegetable glycerin on Amazon for $45.  That's right, a gallon.  Hear that overpriced scrub?!  You'll be set for life with a gallon.  (Or buy a smaller one if you're a scared punk ass.)  I actually got my gallon half price at my local vitamin shop because someone special ordered it then forgot to pick it up.  Your loss, sucka.

I have heard some people are allergic to vegetable glycerin or it breaks them out so try a small bottle first.  Coconut oil will sometimes make me break out but this won't so... experiment

Next up: salt.  The SURPRISE ingredient in salt scrub.  

I guess you can use regular table salt but in trying to be as economical as possible I bought some in bulk.

I already used up the 5 lb bag...

My local Asian market had plenty of bulk sea salt options at dirt cheap prices - I think this was $2.  I'm not sure what a person needs with this much salt but I think I've seen a fish baked in salt before so that?  I probably wouldn't recommend using used fish salt in your scrub unless you want your cat to get real friendly with you.

Even this fine sea salt was a bit larger than particles in my fancy salt scrub and still kinda course for my delicate angel skin so I had to do some salt research.  I now have a PhD in internet salting.  Dr. Salt to you.  (Dr. Salt is the Jekyll to my Madame Sunday.  Or is it the other way around...?  Fuck literature, I'm about salt and smooth skin now.)

Anyway, I learned that popcorn and nut salt is the finest of salts.  You're welcome.

I could only find it at Amazon and it's definitely more expensive than salt from the Asian market.  Feel free to use whatever kind of salt your delicate angel skin can handle.  If you want all popcorn salt then more power to you, fancy rich person.  You're one step up from fish head salt but still a thousand times cheaper than that fancy tub of expensive perfumed salt.

The last item in this very complicated scavenger hunt of a list is smell good things.

Photo from here but go to town at Amazon or Whole Foods, yo.

This part is up to you because this is America and we believe in freedom here.  Freedom and cheap bulk Asian salt.  Hell, you don't even really need a scent but let's not get too crazy here.

I originally used my favorite holiday scent of orange and clove and now have bottles that I have to use up so I'll be using that scent FOREVER.  I think I'm the only person who likes this combo as a body product so sorry to everyone that I gave these to as Christmas presents, birthday presents, graduation presents, sorry you're having some really bad PMS presents, congratulations you got sexted real good presents, etc.

Another option is to use those perfume oils from head shops which I totally wear a lot instead of regular spray perfume so don't judge.  Your salt scrub can smell like Buddha's Everlasting Rainstorm of Patchouli if you are so inclined because I incline.  I incline so hard for Buddha.

That's the long version of my salt scrub journey.  The short version is this:

Most Amazingest Non Greasy Salt Scrub Recipe For Angel Butt Smooth Skin On The Cheap:

2.5 cups of salt (I use 1 cup of popcorn salt, 1.5 cups of fine sea salt.  I have a lot of sea salt to use up...)

1 cup of vegetable glycerin (make it easy - use the same dry measuring cup)

4-5 drops of orange oil

barely 1 drop of clove oil if you dare

Um... stir that shit together. DONE.

Maybe I'll throw in some vanilla next time...

You know the drill - rub it all over your sexy bod-ay  and dry skin before you get wet in the shower.  

Disclaimer: One, I repeat ONE, grain of salt can do serious damage to a nipple if you aren't paying attention so maybe not scrub while you are practicing Work, Bitch dance movies.

Some settling will occur in the jar because of, you know, gravity.  Just think of it as natural peanut butter.  If some salt settles in the crack of your ass, that's on you, friend, not physics.

So all of this fits EXACTLY in a salsa jar because my life just works out nicely like that.  However, I probably would avoid the salsa jar because the enamel outdoor spray paint I used for the lids still scraped off where you tighten the lid after a few uses.  It's not a perfect seal either as we learned Christmas morning on the couch...  probably my weak biceps were the real problem.

Fortunately, it also EXACTLY fits into a 16ish oz jar of any kind - I've been using the Korken from IKE-Rah because it's cheap and has a real seal.  You Pinterest mason jar enthusiasts are foaming at the mouth just begging for a reason to use a jar anyway so that'd work too.

If you're loving the way of the DIY master, I would highly recommend After Plumcake's instructions for a body butter made of raw shea butter or cocoa butter.  I'm addicted to shea butter but don't really have time to chisel that out every morning - this recipe makes it smooth and whipped and delightful.

Sorry if this is too late for THIS Christmas but I've been too busy caressing my salt-smoothed skin.  I feel like a salty earth maiden... maybe I'll bathe in mud next.

Stay tuned for special mud bath fizzies next time!

The purge before the coming glitter storm.

So I don't know about y'all but I spent the last four days watching Misfits and balls deep in, well, Christmas glitter balls.  I put the entire autumnal smorgasbord - pumpkin, potatoes, turducken - in my body within the span of 24 hours.  I need to do some purging of body and brain.

But first, I made the previously mentioned butternut squash mac and cheese for my orphan Thanksgiving offering and didn't make anyone cry so I say it's a win!  If you're like me and think butternut squash ravioli is transcendent but wish there was more of the good shit but on the OUTSIDE then this is for you. Good for breakfast, second breakfast, lunch, dinner, fourth meal and all manner of Misfits-induced binge eating in between.

I used a combination of this recipe and this one but threw in some sage and probably some other things that I can't remember... Topped it with some homemade fried onions and bacon and I think some cheese... I'm not good with following recipes because I DO WHAT I WANT but I strongly encourage you to try it.  I could talk about butternut squash all day long but I'll spare you.

Showering was optional during my 4 day hermit-age and my thirty-something skin is pretty pissed about it.  My hair was starting to take on a sociopath hipster look which wasn't that bad because this is the look I'm aiming for this winter:

Uma Wang

Like a gothic ice princess.  In a really badass poncho.

In keeping with the gothic ice princess of doom theme, I'm getting rid of a lot of color in my house.  It's just too overwhelming, she says as she's stares at a blank white wall in a white room with a white cat.  

BUT I had a special moment with this tobacco brown headboard and pale blush pillows recently:

Emily Henderson for Cup of Jo

The rest really is overwhelming to me but since I'm embracing my pinkitude this year I thought it was noteworthy.

And I'm assuming when y'all weren't staring at the business end of a dangerously overflowing plate of food you had your eyes focused on this:

here

I thoroughly loved Catching Fire despite all lack of vaginal feels regarding Peeta but does anyone else get as excited about the cornucopia as I do?  

Catching Fire here

It's like the set designer wanted to make something that appeared deadly and modern and just threw some shit together but, I don't know, it works for me.

OG Hunger Games cornucopia here

I think I gasp every time it's on screen.  But we all know that I love some weirdly modern dystopian shit in the middle of a field...

Yugoslavian monuments from a loooong time ago...

*cough*

Perhaps buoyed by concrete and bleakness, wanting to pare down at home goes hand in hand with getting rid of color.  The occupational hazard of being a design blogger is buying shit.  Lots of shit.  The Ranch is like a circus of objets d'art.  Objets d'art from the junk store.

here

So I've been salivating at some minimal interiors a lot lately.  It's like the softer side of gothic ice princess.

I could do some color like this but I'm mostly loving the lack of frivolity.

OOOH LOOK AT THIS FRIVOLOUS THING I WANT THIS SO DAMN BAD!!!

via Jaga Design

Do you see my problem?  The problem with THINGS not the problem with snakes.  They're adorable.  Know what else is adorable?  Salvador Dali's flatware:

here

You need to enlarge it then feast your eyeballs on it.  It's so fucking good you'll beg for someone to carve your heart out with one of those delightful spoons.

But when I can't buy surrealist utensils I just go straight to a store and buy some replacement things to fill the hole in my heart that is NOT from it being carved out by a sweet spoon.  Just the hole caused by life and blogging.  Sigh...

I can't resist some wooden tchotchkes... things to keep you fidgeters happy... hand nom noms... whatever you want to call them.  In this case these are wooden puzzles I found on the cheap and they're really turning my crank.  I want to awkwardly hug them.

Look - POOR DRAMATIC LIGHTING.  We'll see if I keep them all or exchange them for Christmas gifts that I should have been buying.  Sorry, family and my constant burning desire for a minimal house.

In related news, remember that table that I bought that sat empty for a long time because of my back and fear of commitment regarding styling?  Well I got about halfway through playing around and realized that it's in the spot where my Christmas tree is going so I decided to watch more Misfits instead.

I'll probably add some wooden hand nom noms after the holiday but for now it's a string of pearls succulent (that's still alive!) and some rocks and shit.

There's also a bowl of more thingies to fidget with including some worry wood (is this a Southern thing or just a Lacy thing?) and a vajra.  In general, I hate appropriating items from other religions but it's shiny and I like to fidget so it seemed fitting.

Doesn't matter.  There's currently a Christmas tree standing where all this stuff is and I'm sure it'll look completely different come January.

Thanksgiving is dead to me now (except for the butternut squash mac and cheese I'm probably gonna make again next week) and I'm all about glitter and the baby jeezus now.

Know what I want under my tree this year?  The ability to stop buying shit and this:

My fake boyfriend Joseph Gilgun

Misfits has the prettiest people that really know how to style a jumpsuit.  I'm probably the only one who likes this one (especially after seeing Lockout) but I can't help it.  

I'm drawn to weirdo sociopaths (maybe they'll like my new hair) and trinkets.

And butternut squash.