Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I (barely) attempted mediocrity this weekend. Fabulosity ensued regardless.

Another three day weekend so we all know that means 5/12 more attempted fabulosity (I think I'm getting worse at math) here at the ModSauce Ranch.  While everyone else in the country was out doing fantastically patriotic things like getting shitfaced and losing appendages to colorful explosions while eating hamburgers Madame Sunday was home not doing all kinds of important things.  

There's no way to make this picture clever.  It's just tragic.
For starters here's my guest bathroom that is in desperate need of well, everything and I can assure you that I had every intention of patching and sanding more walls because it is my specialty and ... hey... *sniff* ... is that bacon I smell?  I LURVE bacon!!   I better go investigate immediately...

But during intense bacon investigation the doorbell rang - it was my new mattress!!!

My guest room received a "new" mattress that I bought from a friend so if you come to the MS ranch for a slumber party you might get cooties (you probably would have gotten them anyway from the old one too).  But now the shiny new mattress was just sitting there alone and naked.  So sad...  Of course I had to drop everything I was doing to go out and buy all kinds of awesome bed-makings and linens which are still in their bags or piled up in that chair like a snuggly rainbow.  The excitement I had while purchasing them didn't carry over to washing them and actually putting them on the bed because there are still three weeks worth of towels to wash first which were waaaay more important because drying off with a roll of paper towels after each shower gets to be a real pain in the ass.  I hope y'all ain't coming over any time soon, otherwise you'll have to make the bed yourself and grab your favorite decorative pillow from the pile to make it pretty.  And then take if off to actually sleep on the bed...  And yes that door still doesn't shut all the way.  DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!!

Here are the old mattresses hanging out in the hall to add that special gritty urban crackhouse feel.  They'll be there until I schedule the city to come pick them up and then drag them to the curb.  In the meantime I just have to walk through the dining room with the loads of towels I'm washing.  No big deal - I bet I have at least a month or two before that gets old.

FUCK!!   I keep running into this box of random shit that's hanging out in dining room!!!  I think it's a collection of things to organize and donate and some toys I sat aside for my niece (hence the My Little Pony which is TOTALLY not mine) because why else would I have that pillow??  It IS kinda cute for a little girl...  Shopping for girl things is pretty fun...  Kinda like shopping for your own house which is exactly what I JUST did for my guest room!  And since I AM (barely) a design blogger I think I'll go write a post about it right now!!!  


Focus...   Fooooccccuuusss...

I was actually compiling an award-winning piece about bacon color and the fabulosity of guest rooms until I was surprised by the doorbell.  I panicked because I thought I saw some Mormons walking around the neighborhood earlier and all that I was wearing was torn sweats, a tshirt that said (ironically) "Jesus is the answer" and no bra so of course I had to scramble and put a bra on super fast because you can’t look like a common whore while telling Mormon missionaries to get the fuck off your porch because it’s rude and blasphemous to their alien leader Tom Cruise Joseph Smith Glenn Beck. Unfortunately it wasn’t the Mormons it was some asshole trying to sell me a new roof that he could “write-off” for me on my insurance so it’d be free and I was like “Fuck you for scaring Charlemagne when I threw her off my lap while I ran to find a gawddamn bra only to put it on for scam artists!!!” 

Wait did you say it’s free…??

[MS sidebar: The Madame needs some kind of booby trap doorbell at the end of my driveway for people to ring to give me ample time to put a bra on (or pants) or finish peeing or extricate myself from whatever compromising position I’m usually in at the exact moment a visitor arrives. I don’t like surprises that require me to be presentable to the public. Especially if they involve travelling Mormons or the Baptists from the down the street.]

So I'm on the internet figuring out how to get a "free" roof when I remember I have to sell some furniture on craigslist.  However what started out as quick listing of an old table turned into an hour long laugh-fest involving a few glasses of wine, an inordinate amount of shameless losers for a city this size and some disgusting pictures all courtesy of the 'casual encounters' sextion. (That was a typo but I'm leaving it like dlisted.)

As I finished off the bottle I thought it would be a good time to go to the recycling center because my storage room is reaching maximum capacity of glass bottles and I love the earth.  

But look what I saw while loading the car - my arch nemesis!!  This piece of shit stump that taunts my every waking minute!

A 15 foot cypress fell this winter and I already chopped that bitch up but this stump is proving more difficult.  Maybe it was the wine talking but I knew I finally had the balls to rip that thing out of the ground!  RAAAWWWRRR!!!  *flex girl biceps*

You know I can't really see well because all the sunlight is blocked by these damn limbs! 

Thanks a lot asshole redneck neighbors who just let their jungle grow over my fence.  Now I have to trim your overgrowth before I can tackle my own problems and even though the bible doesn't say "love thy neighbor and do their yardwork" I think Jesus would approve.

But on the way to get the Hedge Trimmer of Amazing Awesomeness I was reminded of this:

You think you're so cute, huh, Morning Glory?  Taking over everything in my yard.  I don't care how adorable you look trying to hug that broom handle up top you're still a weed that's making my life a living hell!!  I'll teach you to mess with this Madame!!  *flexes girl bicep again*

You know all this flexing is making me tired.  I think I'm going to go take a nap...



Oh look at the time!  I believe it's time to go out and ogle some rednecks making colorful explosions while getting shitfaced (them and me).  Think I'll wear these lovelies I picked up while shopping for bedding:

See this weekend was full of fabulosity after all!  I have to walk like Peggy Bundy but who cares?! 

I just shut the door to the guest bathroom as I walked around the mattresses in the hall on my way out.   


  1. I think a design blogger with mad skills such as you possess could whip up an audible warning booby trap at the edge of your property, with a piece of bacon on a string leading to a precarious Mysterious Mason Jar of Orphan Hardware or maybe a crate of empty wine bottles balanced on the heads of some Star Wars Posable Action Figures. Just be sure to not trip said trap yourself.

    And maybe you could rig up a humane deadfall trap with the old mattresses and snag some personal zombie help to do crap around the MS ranch so you could focus on more important things like frying up a huge mess of bacon to rebait the traps (or those little tiny pork sausages - those are wicked good to hide a fish hook in).

    Fancy bed linens are for people who never actually sleep in those beds anyway - just like they never really eat real food, like biscuits and gravy and moon pies - simpering around with wild caught, free range baby spring greens with a spritz of raspberry lime vinaigrette and water in a bottle for God's sake. It's a wonder they have enough strength to read the fancy menu which which has all those European words on it anyway.

    I think you know what you need to do.

  2. Mmmhhhh.... I guess I could rig up some sort of Peewee Herman-style booby trap invention of my own doing that... hey did you say gravy??!!

  3. This is the story of my weekend, only with more bacon, fewer boxes, and way better shoes. I did unpack one box containing my collection of 80s/90s tapes & mix that I cannot throw out because my 11-year-old car has a tape deck. Also I pulled up a bunch of creeping Charlie while walking the cat.

  4. I hope your tape collection consists of Color Me Badd and Alice in Chains. At least that's what mine consists of...

    I'm intrigued you can walk your cat - Charlemagne just got groomed so I've maxed out my quota of cat torture for the year without trying to put a leash on her.

  5. Skid Row, Dirty Dancing soundtrack - you know, the classics.

    Leashes are best when started before 6 mos. of age, I think.

  6. Oh I WILL judge you!!! And the verdict is Fabulousity Personified!

    When I read your blog I am inspired to make a to do list, check it twice, post it on the fridge, nap, lunch and then repeat steps 4 and 5.

    As for the stump. It seems to be taunting you. I would forgo the bra the next time the mormans ring the bell and ask them to remove it for you.

    Great post.

  7. Hmmm at times you make me want a house and then the thought of crazy religious people stopping by makes me glad I live in a building. A booby trap has to be in order, might be a call for Data.

  8. @Extremely Average I like the way you make lists. You know exactly what the most important things are!

    @Shannon honestly I don't know why I didn't think of this booby trap earlier it's so genius!! And YES an android could totally hook me up!

  9. Thanks for the memories at Gang Bang Fest 2011. You're a champ.

  10. Good times... It wasn't quite like Gang Bang Fest 2009 but we'll keep trying.