Thursday, June 28, 2012

Spreading some internet love today.

It's been a pretty rough week around the Ranch because MY FACE FUCKING MELTED OFF on Tuesday and my front yard looks like the surface of Mars.  I can't even get my house boy to rub my feet with chilled lotion because while trying to install an outdoor drinking fountain for Charlemagne he had a mild heat stroke like a punk-ass sissy bitch.  

Christ, it's hard to find good help on Craigslist these days.

So now I have no face, hot dry feet and Charlemagne is having to drink water from a bowl like a gawddamned ANIMAL!  Worst summer ever.

But it's not all bad!  This week my cabinet guru/kitchen therapist-turned-real life friend of amazing awesomeness, Nick of Cupboards, was interviewed on KBB Online - the magazine for the kitchen and bath industry.  Not only is that exciting for a deserving person, but your favorite online fake Madame also got a special sweet spot:
Aww...  we're famous.  Now I'm going to go hyperventilate into a paper bag now just like they do in movies even though I've never seen anyone do in real life.  Where does one even find paper bags??

My kitchen really has nothing to do with the interview except to show that Nick and I actually met through Twitter and remodeled my kitchen before ever even meeting in person.  So yes, social media IS good for business and the interview is a fun read to see what real business owners are doing and (not doing) with social media. 

I usually use social media for sharing status updates about my vagina and pictures of margaritas I'm drinking but it turns out some people use it for "important" things related to their earning money and financial security whatever that means.  

But I'm kinda hijacking this feature to use as foreshadowing for some upcoming posts I'm planning about last year's kitchen remodel: the one year anniversary follow-up extravaganza!!  I'm thinking about it for two reasons:

1.  I love a follow-up episode on tv.  So if you're like me and maybe you want to know if someone is glad they got to meet Candy Finnigan or whether or not they liked the wood countertops they bought, these posts might interest you.  For everyone else they're probably going to be pretty boring.  They'll probably be boring even if you are interested...

2.  For purely selfish reasons, I'm really trying to unleash the beast of my camera and get some better photos of my space (more and better than what's pictured above).  Last year I had to take pictures when I wasn't emotionally prepared and then I had technical difficulties that I tried to "fix" in Photoshop so the big reveal day and my most viewed post ever(!) looked really shitty.  Way to crack under pressure, Madame!  I'm all for mediocrity but that was ridiculous.  

2B.  Totally unrelated to my ineptitude, Blogger is fucking with some of my pictures making them grainy and blurry - you can see it especially in the photos from my patio - and I think that has something to do with things always looking shitty around this here blog.  If anyone else has had this problem please holler because I will not humiliate myself TWICE.  My feet are still hot and dry and can't stand any more nightmares this summer!

Did you like how I turned a post that was supposed to highlight the accomplishments of someone else into a whiny Madamefest?  I'm such a giver.

So don't be a selfish, faceless bitch like me.  Make sure you are friendly with Nick at Cupboards (@Cupboards) and KBB Online (@kbbconnect).

Seriously though, someone needs to help me with my photog skillz and foot rubbing...


  1. Maybe you could consider drinking margaritas from your vagina. You could save time. You'd need a long straw. I'm a giver of good ideas.

    1. Have you heard about the vodka tampons? No joke. Girls are soaking their tampons in booze because it absorbs really fast and gets you shit-faced in 3 seconds. I should probably tell them about your idea too.

    2. What? No! Why wasn't this around when I was in college. What a rip.

  2. OMFG. Your first paragraph had me laughing like an idiot. I can't help you with photog skills because I'm a horrible photographer and usually end up accidentally taking pictures of my feet, or a lamp. And I'm not trying to be artsy, I'm just a spaz. I'm also completely jealous of your kitchen.

    1. YOU'RE WELCOME. Also, if I learn any photo skillz I'll pass them along because I'm an idiot spaz too. But also artsy so I'm double fucked.

      Thanks for the kitchen love and welcome to the Sauce!

  3. Hello sweet Madame! Had to comment and let you know you owe me a new computer keyboard. ;) I was innocently reading your blog and my morning Sprite (and perhaps a few nose goblins) shot out my nostrils before I finished the first sentence. OMG. Laughing so hard! I realize I should know better by now, as you're always hi-lar-i-ous but a little warning to remind me would be helpful.
    Yours in glitter and booze,

    1. Hey Angel! Sorry to hear about your keyboard but you'll have to extort money from elsewhere!!!!!

      If I did a comedy trigger warning then people brace themselves for impact and know it was coming and then it would ruin the booger-cleansing guffaw.

      Just remember to take all proper safety precautions before interneting.

      Forever yours in glitter and booze,


  4. Just received my check for $500.

    Many times people don't believe me when I tell them about how much you can earn taking paid surveys from home...

    So I took a video of myself actually getting paid over $500 for filling paid surveys to set the record straight once and for all.