Monday, July 2, 2012

Fireworks? Try some lonely Italian gardens to add sizzle to your holiday!

I feel like I should be able to put on my resume under the 'Special Skills' section that I survived this weekend and its 106+ temps.  I'll go in for job interviews and tell them I can use Adobe Illustrator (lie), am comfortable with Powerpoint (as if) and can accurately predict the moment when I need to switch from wine and Sprite spritzers to water so I can  stay hydrated enough to later walk outside to my car and not shrivel up like a vampire raisin.

If you're in DC and have no power you deserve a Purple Heart.  Or at least an hour of uninterrupted time standing in front of an open fridge with your top off and no panties.  

via It's Nice That
Maybe that's why I'm strangely drawn to these photographs of Italian gardens by Lawrence Beck - zero humidtiy, not heat index and I can enjoy them in front of an open fridge with a nice chilled breeze straight to my Southern garden.  (See what I did there?)

Ahhh....  gawd bless America and advanced refrigeration.
And bless Italy because it looks pretty damn cool no matter what the temperature.

There was a discussion this weekend on which was worse: boob sweat or ball sweat.  Gentlemen, I think you might be the winner.  You get an extra five minutes in front of the open fridge.

In related news, I've invented a bra where the cups are made of the freezable gel stuff in eye masks or ice packs that you use for sore muscles.   I'm accepting advance orders.
This building is bananas.  

 If you follow me on Instagram you know I squee hard for old structures being eaten by nature.  Usually it's trailers but this is pretty badass too.

Is this a still from the movie Legend?  Because I think I saw a unicorn back there.

Fortunately my container garden is doing well and staying watered (yay me!) although I have recently noticed some wonky plants.  Wonky plants that I couldn't figure out why were wonky until I found a cat-shaped dent...  gawddamit.  

Apparently the cool damp potting mix was just too enticing to resist so I scattered some candles and lanterns in all the emptier areas of the pots.   Now who's the smart one?!  *eyebrow wiggle*

She seems to not understand the joy of advanced refrigeration because no matter how much I try to coax Charlemagne to stay inside, she seems to want to bake herself into a kitty log on the driveway.  

So now she gets locked inside when it's too hot where she pouts like a tweener.  SORRY TO BE KEEPING YOU ALIVE!!  My bad.
You know who isn't behaving like an asshole cat and also deserves a medal this week?  My heatwave savior: JCPenney's thermal Supreme curtains.  They are keeping out all the bad sun from my living and dining room thereby making them habitable for humans and reluctant cats. 

I know that fancy 'designy' curtains are block-printed pieces of gossamer linen woven from the finest sheep chin hair but that shit only works on the Pinterest.  I have neighbors and 50 year old windows.  I can't be relying on a piece of toilet paper from West Elm to hide whatever manner of shame happens inside the Ranch.

And there is a lot...
Unless this guy was my neighbor and then I wouldn't mind baking on my couch where all my neighbors could see just how many hours I've watched Torchwood this weekend.

I also eat an embarrassing amount of cheese that I'd like to keep between me, Captain Jack Harkness and the checkout guy at my secret redneck grocery store who looks like Michael Bolton's gay inbred cousin.

I figure a guy with more earrings than corkscrew curls probably doesn't judge a girl buying bulk cheese.
He deserves a medal too.

Hope y'all have a happy Fourth and retain all of your fingers but none of your dignity!


  1. Lovely pictures, and I was only somewhat (OK, totally) distracted by Captain Jack Harkness and cheese.

    1. They both have a hypnotizing power...

  2. I would like to know what the process was for determining that ball sweat was worse than boob sweat. You know.. For science. And stuff.

    1. Well I was the only female in a group of guys so that probably had something to do with it. Also, even though boob sweat is the stuff of nightmares the consensus was that anything crotch-related trumps other body parts. Scienze.

    2. That seems like great science to me. Stay cool my friend. This heat makes me wonder what women 100 years ago did when it was hot, no a/c and big dresses.

    3. Honestly I have no idea. That's probably why they all died by the age of 30 - just too damn hot!

      Keep cool yourself, fine lady!

  3. Talking about heat waves and summer, it's winter here. So the only problem we have in common right now is HUMIDITY, mother cheesus! Buenos Aires is always humid, but last weekend I think we reached a new record, it was like 150% water come from the ground, everything was/felt so sticky ... on summer humidity average is 65% but on winter it goes up to 80 or 95%.... F....uck you humidity! you ruin everything, EVERYTHING!!!!! My cat, Krakatoa, on the hottest days looks for the hottest places to take a nap, that cat is mad. Charlemagne you're not alone!

    1. Krakatoa (best name ever) and Charlemagne are cats born of the same fur. I'm glad it's not just me being a bad mom and letting my animal try to sun herself to death.

      I used to want to travel to Buenos Aires but now you are ruining my future vacations!! Although it does sounds kinda like the weather here so maybe not that much of a change... If you can't stay dry, stay cool, friend!

  4. I'd like to place my order now for that bra you are offering. Cup size is C for Cool. Tell Charlemagne not to sleep on my perfect bra! (Kymberly)