Spreading some internet love today.

It's been a pretty rough week around the Ranch because MY FACE FUCKING MELTED OFF on Tuesday and my front yard looks like the surface of Mars.  I can't even get my house boy to rub my feet with chilled lotion because while trying to install an outdoor drinking fountain for Charlemagne he had a mild heat stroke like a punk-ass sissy bitch.  


Christ, it's hard to find good help on Craigslist these days.


So now I have no face, hot dry feet and Charlemagne is having to drink water from a bowl like a gawddamned ANIMAL!  Worst summer ever.


But it's not all bad!  This week my cabinet guru/kitchen therapist-turned-real life friend of amazing awesomeness, Nick of Cupboards, was interviewed on KBB Online - the magazine for the kitchen and bath industry.  Not only is that exciting for a deserving person, but your favorite online fake Madame also got a special sweet spot:

Aww...  we're famous.  Now I'm going to go hyperventilate into a paper bag now just like they do in movies even though I've never seen anyone do in real life.  Where does one even find paper bags??

My kitchen really has nothing to do with the interview except to show that Nick and I actually met through Twitter and remodeled my kitchen before ever even meeting in person.  So yes, social media IS good for business and the interview is a fun read to see what real business owners are doing and (not doing) with social media. 

I usually use social media for sharing status updates about my vagina and pictures of margaritas I'm drinking but it turns out some people use it for "important" things related to their earning money and financial security whatever that means.  

But I'm kinda hijacking this feature to use as foreshadowing for some upcoming posts I'm planning about last year's kitchen remodel: the one year anniversary follow-up extravaganza!!  I'm thinking about it for two reasons:

1.  I love a follow-up episode on tv.  So if you're like me and maybe you want to know if someone is glad they got to meet Candy Finnigan or whether or not they liked the wood countertops they bought, these posts might interest you.  For everyone else they're probably going to be pretty boring.  They'll probably be boring even if you are interested...

2.  For purely selfish reasons, I'm really trying to unleash the beast of my camera and get some better photos of my space (more and better than what's pictured above).  Last year I had to take pictures when I wasn't emotionally prepared and then I had technical difficulties that I tried to "fix" in Photoshop so the big reveal day and my most viewed post ever(!) looked really shitty.  Way to crack under pressure, Madame!  I'm all for mediocrity but that was ridiculous.  

2B.  Totally unrelated to my ineptitude, Blogger is fucking with some of my pictures making them grainy and blurry - you can see it especially in the photos from my patio - and I think that has something to do with things always looking shitty around this here blog.  If anyone else has had this problem please holler because I will not humiliate myself TWICE.  My feet are still hot and dry and can't stand any more nightmares this summer!

Did you like how I turned a post that was supposed to highlight the accomplishments of someone else into a whiny Madamefest?  I'm such a giver.

So don't be a selfish, faceless bitch like me.  Make sure you are friendly with Nick at Cupboards (@Cupboards) and KBB Online (@kbbconnect).

Seriously though, someone needs to help me with my photog skillz and foot rubbing...

Fifty Shades of Yes Please

Watch out for this mind-blowing way I'm going to introduce this blog post to you:

Since I've decided to tweak my dining room a bit I've had greys on the brain.

Unforgettable, right?!

Just like this wonky picture of my backsplash tile and vintage Haeger vase I got for $3 at a junk store (probably market value) that I'm using to illustrate my cheap, wonky vision to you, I want some black and white and grey and a hint of warm in the dining room.  With a sexy flair.  As if I could do something without a sexy flair, amiright?!  *eyebrow wiggle*

via Squirrel Hobbies

Although if I went a little post-apocalypse rocker chic with the grey I think that would be fine too.  I did dance around my kitchen very intensely to The Judds while making dinner so that makes me totally rocker legit.  Also, I need window shades...

here

This too because yes, I'm so urban.  As evidenced by my music selection.

here

Third jacket from the left is the fabric I want to reupholster my chairs.  A soft grey tweedy something of awesomeness. I'm not good with fabrics.  If it could smell like 'Urban Sunrise Manroot' that would be even better.

here

I got the sunshine covered.  Gonna have to work on the raw wood part...

here

Um... who threw that picture of my kitchen in there?  Good things those floors look easily cleanable because this room just reduced me to a big pile of wet.

These are more warm and black than grey but I threw those in because I want some industrial lighting for my patio out back.  I don't have furniture yet but minor details, y'all.  If anyone has any good options hit a Madame up otherwise I'm going to Target.

here

Not gonna lie, I fantasize about this haircut quite often.  However, I don't think it would really work with my Target cardigan I'll probably pick up when I'm patio light shopping.  I also don't think it would work on anyone unless you're the Asian equivalent of Lisbeth Salander which, if I was being completely honest with you, I'm not.

here

here

Hi my name is Madame Sunday and I have a suspender fetish.  I am powerless against it.  And I don't want to stop.  Unless stopping me involves tying my hands up with your suspenders in which case I'll be totally down for stopping...

Farmyard-Hilberbrink-Bosch Architects here

[MS Sidebar: speaking of sessy grey shit, I'm sure y'all have heard about this Fifty Shades of Grey book?  I knew it was BDSM erotica for the surburban set that's bananas popular right now and I was all 'high five' lady people!  But THEN someone told me it was Twilight fanfiction that became a book and told me the basic story and then it clicked - I've READ it!  I'm super pathetic and went through a fanfiction phase a few years ago - SHUT UP! - because obviously I needed waaay more filth than certain young adult books were bringing to the table.  Who knew I'm an early adopter of lady porn?!  Ok well, maybe we did know...]

Residence magazine via Nordic Design

I can't decide if I love or hate furs on wire chairs... but for now I say I'm fifty shades of yes please.

via La Maison d' Anna G

via The Black Workshop

Fifty shades of omigawd get in mah imaginary house.

quartz from here

I love this quartz image with the picture below...

via Greige Design

What the entrance to the ModSauce Ranch looks like in my head.  No wonder the mint green vinyl siding is always like a slap in the face when I see it.

from BZRshop

I can't get enough of these hombre tights this week.  I have calves like ham hocks (beautifully saucy ham hocks, of course) so I don't think I'll be wearing these ever but the grey fade with those shoes is killing me.  Softly.  Just like the Fugees song.

Office Supplies Incorporated via But Does It Float

I'm a sucker for collage.

Elle Decoration UK via Dressed for Men

And also a sucker for whatever it is that's going on this desk/office area.  Hot damn!  Just imagine how much more awesome this blog could be if I worked from there.  Someone rich should make that happen for me because I just spent all my money buying Mega Millions tickets.  

Actually...  maybe *I* could make that happen since I just learned the film rights to the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy have just been sold and the author went from fanfiction writer to jizzillionaire...

Hhhmm....  *strokes beard*

If you'll excuse me, I have some chairs to reupholster and some, uh... writing to work on.

Some saucy tidbits that the Ying Yang Twins don't care anything about.

Here are some super important things that have come to my attention this week that I want you to know about.

Because I'm a giver.

Also, I'm a bit drunk because I've discovered the best new boughie cocktail that I just made up.  It's called a Frappuccini.  It involves a Starbucks bottled frappuccino - the stuff that I was addicted to in high school but now limit it to when I get a truck stop bacon, egg and cheese biscuit which is both way too many times and not as often as I want it to be.

So if you have some leftover from your truck stop biscuit run in the morning, I would recommend pouring in some vanilla vodka that night and then your shit is on and poppin.  You can probably shake over ice in a martini shaker over just stir it all up in a mason jar.  I'll let you guess which one I did.

I don't have measurements because I don't measure anything and it's pretty hard to fuck this up.  You could also throw in some Godiva liqueur if you have some laying around...  

I might drink bottled frappuccinos from truck stops but every classy Madame has Godiva liqueur in her fridge.  Drink up, boughie babies.

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I love these little shelters built by students at Taliesen West (Frank Lloyd Wright's home and architectural studio) photographed by the dudes from BUILDblog.

Apparently, the students build them and live in them at the same time.  

I would like one for my backyard.

I don't really know how I could build around the crates of sunscreen I would need were I to attempt something like this but I guess that's part of the design challenge.

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Lonny came back this weekend after taking a break for a few months due to lack of dinero and probably just general economic fuckery thanks to our shitty financial sitch.  It's probably because I've been forcing my employer to buy my birth control pills and they can't invest in new manufacturing facilities because my vagina has needs, yo.  Slut needs.


But I was glad to see it back in my inbox - Lonny that is - even if I'm pretty sure they publish the same lucite and chintz bedroom every issue.  


But they also came back with these pages:

Notice that giant snake pillow on bottom right? Kinda hard to miss. 

I understand the need for advertisers and incoming cash and have zero problem with entire pages devoted to their wonders - hell, I just want pretty pictures and don't really care who people have to blow to get them - but that $3800 stuffed snake in the corner isn't "playful" as you describe, it's insulting.  


Check yourself, Lonny.  Fuck yourself, maker of $3800 snake pillow.

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After my kitchen remodel last year I feel like all us remodelers are part of a family.  A very large, very poor family that bond over our shared nightmares and facial tics.  So I get kinda obsessed about looking at other people's real world renovations.  Not magazine renovations with $3800 stuffed snakes but people like us!  People like us that appreciate the finer things in life like Frappuccinis.   



So I was obviously excited to see the super fresh kitchen renovation of my blog friend @CapreeK of MAIYA.


The before:

Brown explosion. 


The after:

Shout out to another kitchen that keeps the existing white appliances!

Panty Explosion.  It's amazing what some new paint, tile, countertops and thousands of hours of pain and suffering can do to transform a space.  I feel my facial tic coming on...  


Keeping the existing floor and painting the cabinets themselves (daaaang, y'all), it's nice to see someone work with what their mama gave 'em.  

Hhhmm... methinks glass tile for my bathroom? One day...

Um... girl, I hope your mama did not give you those weirdo sex toys up there on the left...?!  Or are they salt shakers?  Regardless, there is probably a Ying Yang Twins song that applies to this kitchen somehow.  


You twerked that kitchen good.


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After we went to the window and then to the wall let's go to space!!

"In order to use the litterbox, you must first create the universe."  Cat Sagan, you are so wise.

I just found the Cat Scientist tumblr.  It makes me exceedingly happy.  

Combined with a Frappuccini, the awesomeness might make my brain explode and then there would be glittery sauce everywhere.  Until it would drip down your balls...

I think the only bad thing that happened this week is that Ying Yang Twins have not responded to my repeated requests to release a new album.  Just wait'll you see my $3800 snake!  It will beat you up.  And then maybe you could nap on it.

Maybe Cat Sagan can talk some sense into them.

This makes me exceedingly happy.

Tequila makes the sun rise in my soul.

The ModSauce Ranch had guests this weekend to celebrate an early Christmas.  We celebrated by making tacos and margaritas because that's what the baby jeezus would definitely have opted for over frankincense and myrrh had it been available.  People in olden times certainly had it hard.

To be completely honest, someone else made me the delicioso tacos and margaritas because even after all these months the kitchen of amazing awesomeness still inspires people to create culinary masterpieces.  That was the real purpose of renovating the kitchen...  So other people would want to cook for me.  That's what good design is - manipulative and saucy.

During this party weekend the Satsuma Sunrise was invented.  It's like a regular pitcher of margaritas but had about a dozen satsuma oranges blended into it.  It was so good I almost forgot who I was and celebrated the birth of jeezus.  Or maybe that was the tequila...?

And then of course we had to have an impromptu Design and Styling Challenge because it's a tradition now to create a cocktail out of whatever kind of booze and other drinkable liquids I have at the house and then photograph it looking sexy for maximum legitimacy.  I hear it's what all the cool bloggers do.

Also, it makes it taste better that way. 

And yes those are all things I had laying around the house.  It looks like we're celebrating the Day of the Dead at a Z gallerie in 1976.

Which would be AWESOME.

It's hard to artfully style boxes of pizza rolls

After three fun-filled Food Pornologist celebrations this weekend I can assure you that the Brussels sprouts did make me cream my sweat pants and my tummy and fridge are delightfully bursting at the seams.  For Marthia.  And America.

I figured this would be a perfect time to talk about this series of photographs about refrigerator portraits by Mark Menjivar called You Are What You Eat.  I'm really subtle with the segues, huh?  Almost as subtle as my lust for Thanksgiving food.

Community volunteer, completely blind and lives alone

Mark spent three years photographing the insides of people's refrigerators which sounds awesome and horrible.  He wanted people to think about "How we care for our bodies. How we care for others.  How we care for the land." 

Deli attendant, disowned by parents for marrying a black man

Each photograph has a little factual tidbit about the owner which I find infinitely fascinating.  But not as fascinating as Dr. Thunder - the best brand name of anything ever invented of all time ever.  It's like Dr. Feelgood but BETTER!

Retired train conductor, started Meals on Wheels in his community

I have spent an unhealthy amount of time going though every photo and recreating the meals and lives of each person.  What's under that paper towel?  What's he gonna do with the lettuce?  

Street advertiser, lives on $432 monthly fixed income

WHAT IS IN THE BLACK BAG?  How can this person afford to eat at all?

College student, drummer for death metal band

Midwife/middle school science teacher, 1st week after deciding to eat all local produce

The caption for this one is fantastic. 

So naturally I decided to participate so everyone can judge me by the contents of my fridge.  

Designer/blogger, Believes glitter holds magical powers

I took this picture three months ago but didn't post it because #1 - it feels really really personal sharing the contents of your fridge.  Easy to extrapolate someone's life based on their Dr. Thunder habit, but harder to share your food decisions with the world.  #2 - Although I'm fascinated by the larger themes by the photographs and being a voyeur is always super fun, does anyone really give a shit about what I have in my fridge?  

So it lingered in my drafts folder like that about that peach I forgot about in the back of the fridge.

I decided it was time to share after my blog daddy Paul Anater of Kitchen and Residential Design sent me a link to a blogger who styles - yes STYLES - her fridge. 

here

She suggests placing a small vase of flowers in the fridge, keeping leftovers in French canning jars and tying up cheese and meats in parchment paper and string to make a prettier fridge.  

I eyerolled so hard my eyes literally popped out of my head and rolled across the floor and it sounds like Charlemagne is nibbling on them but I can't really tell because I HAVE NO EYES.

I applaud her attention to detail about things I could give a shit about but damn, y'all.  Is no place safe from the precious fingers of design bloggers?  If looking at cold flowers every time you open the fridge to grab a beer makes your heart soar with delight then happily I support your compulsion and future appearance on Strange Addiction.  

But in a culture where every one is Photoshopped and every thing is styled like Marthia, gawddess of hearth and French canning jars, is knocking on your door, can't I have one area where it's okay to be apathetic about pretty?  Possibly even *gasp* ugly?

I'm not really waffling on this issue - it's a rhetorical question.  I'm completely apathetic and ugly about many areas of my life including but not limited to the state of my fridge, my sock drawer, my pedicure in winter and my entire guest room.  

Call me a judgmental asshole because I have no problem making negative assumptions about the sanity motivations of someone who wants to style their produce but pretend I don't make negative assumptions about the type of person who leaves pots of food uncovered in a fridge like in the photos above.  That is so gross to me.  Maybe they're grossed out by the current state of my toenail cuticles so I guess we're even.

But I would happily be friends with someone who enjoys Dr. Thunder but if I saw they had gift-wrapped their raw chicken I might have to reevaluate our friendship.  

By reevaluate I mean get the hell out of their house as fast as I can.

But I'd totally steal some fancy butter as I self-righteously run away.

You can judge me for that too.

I have lots of friends. Friends who enjoy fine towels and kitchen gadgets.

Christmas is coming in about two weeks so I'm getting a head start on all my shopping.  

For my, uhhh... friends.  


*shifty eyes*

Like my friend who's decided to invest in some glass water bottles.  Polycarbonate is "safe," my ass.  I mean, HER!  Her ass.  She is particularly fond of the Takeya water bottle because it's sessy as hell.  It may or may not have won several design awards not that she cares about those kinds of things.  It's not like she even cares about design let alone has a blog about it.  Only crazy people do that...

It might be nice for my friend to have nice filtered water in a GLASS pitcher if such a thing existed.


But wait!

DWR makes this one for under $100 - the ONLY one I could find.  I looked everywhere because I'm such an amazing friend who will go to any lengths to make my friends happy.  However, I'm not sure if louseki stones, fairy kidneys and Binchotan charcoal from the coast of Japan is strong enough to filter out the ridonkulous amounts of estrogen, Prozac and other pharmaceuticals that are in our water supply.  Without a proper filter, our water is going to make us grow another ovary or permanently tweak out - just pick your poison.  

Sometimes that poison is caffeine.  Just like my other friend that wants to ask Santa for a single serve coffee maker.  Perhaps this handsome devil?!

This fat little penguin is tinier (and infinitely more huggable) than the Keurig in case this friend has a brand new kitchen that doesn't need to be cluttered up with ugly gadgets.  It would be nice if there was such a thing as a single serve coffee machine with a GLASS reservoir that used regular grounds instead of pods because that seems so wasteful and I know this friend is probably concerned about the environment and shit.  

I have caring friends. 

With lots of very particular needs.

Like this OTHER friend who can't be happy with normal towels because she's a super high-maintenance bitch and has decided to change to fancy towels.  For her fancy hair.

lots more options on bathstyle's etsy shop

The thin cotton pestemal - a traditional Turkish towel woven to signify the history/origin of its owner that has now been bastardized for American consumption (Now with less ethnicity!  Yummy!) - is what this lady person wants in her stocking.  Why don't you ask me to fly over to Turkey and waste my time on a glorious and exotic shopping excursion just for your Christmas present?!  GAWD!  So selfish this friend is.


It's a good thing I'm so generous with my time and shopping abilities for all my friends.  They are lucky.


And I'm lucky to have such wonderful readers who will be happy to share their favorite single-serve coffee machines with me.  Feel free to write me a letter telling me all about it.  I'll give you my address.


For the, uh... letter.


My friends - who really like caffeine, having the appropriate number of ovaries and the color grey - will really appreciate it.


So get in the holiday spirit y'all!  


For my friends. 

How to survive a kitchen remodel: Saucy style. (Hint: Thin Mints help.)

Now that this kitchen project is dead and gone, I feel like I'm earned my Girl Scout badge for remodeling.  I should probably make a badge for my sidebar now that I think about it...  I've compiled a psuedo-survival guide which may or may not be informative to others but I'm posting it because I'm a Girl Scout now and I believe in preparedness, helpfulness and delicious cookies.

Get ur control freak on!
Despite being somewhat of a control freak when it comes to things, well... in my control, I'm really a hater of micromanaging.  I think people work better without the hot stank breath of some ignorant ass down their neck.   So I tried to keep my hot stank breath to myself - after all, these dudes are the experts and I know less than zilch about wires or anvils or whatever the hell people use to build things.  But when it comes to the things I know a little sumthin sumthin about - like how things should look -  I have some apparently outrageous standards.

I wish I had somehow communicated how important these standards were to me.  Outrageous things like how much I dislike a sloppy caulk line.  Or that the undercabinet lighting should not act as wall washers and should not be installed against the back of the wall.  Or that sheetrock does indeed need to be smooth.  Like, everywhere.   

I learn from the best.  What I looked like telling them to fix my shit.

Having seen examples of my contractors' work before, I was a little surprised at their lack concern in some areas.  Some things they excelled at but some things were on par with the craftsmanship I see in a lot of new construction.  Y'all know what I'm talking about...  Especially up against the quality in my 50 year old house that may have seen better days but her baseboards are still immaculately constructed.


Sadly, I think some things maybe they just didn't know were bad.>Maybe they gave me C grade work to fit into my budget - I don't know.  I wish I had known I had a choice in quality of work: 100% effort is full price, 50% effort is probably 75% of full price.  That might be something they needed to communicate during the bidding process.  But that's okay - I'll just spend my weekend sanding the edge to this door jamb you made out of splinters and found lumber you thought I wouldn't notice. 


Maybe some homeowners don't care about details.  Awesome.  You're a dream client.  But you might want to do some soul searching to see what you really care about and what you don't care about and then tell your contractor people.  I don't even care if they are insulted or not, America must be saved from sloppy details and kitchens with shitty undercabinet lighting.


Seriously, they didn't even know it was wrong.


I'm starting to change my mind about micromanaging...


Contractually obligated to ignore this contract
I've said before I thought the bidding process was not even CLOSE to being detailed enough for me (also, see note about control freak above) but I thought we got everything ironed out by the time of the contract signing.  What I didn't plan for was the different interpretation that the contractor and I had of that contract.  I thought it was a finite document and work order changes would be discussed should a problem arise but NAY!  Apparently our contract was treated like a general guideline for the project and open to debate - like the Constitution!

When my scope of work and the contract said "install cabinets and all necessary components including but not limited to trim, hardware, etc. herein described to for the remainder of the blah blah blah" I meant all the damn cabinet parts period end of story just do whatever that shit is.  They interpreted that to mean "install all cabinets and parts until it got too confusing and they just didn't feel like doing it anymore because OMIGAWDTHISISHARD I need more money."   So I got magically billed for a whole range of surprise things right at the end.  Yippee!!! 


They did not follow the agreed upon work order changes procedure and once we signed the contract it was virtually forgotten.  Some problems that came up they just didn't charge me for (they were generous) and some things they charged me where they shouldn't have.  I like getting things free as much as the next Madame but when I don't know what I'm paying for (or not paying for) because the contractor just randomly makes decisions without consulting me, it breaks our bond of trust.  A bond of trust we made in blood in the center of the pentagram!!


There were some very heated words exchanged during our final communication - words that tainted my overall experience and opinion of them which is unfortunate - but we did finally agree on a final payment.   I don't think these guys are the type to cheat me but it's hard to tell when you don't know the full story.  I LIKE DETAILS!  I also like for someone to follow through on a gawddamn contract.


I'm not too worried though, I had the ghosts in the house put a curse on anyone that tried to cheat me and nobody's skin melted off so I think in the end it was fair. 


Perhaps in the future I'll just be a bigger bitch about proper work order changes.  That's probably less messy than cursing someone.

Permit Shmermit
Even though this goes against the "law" I still think permits are subjective.  I'm like an dangerous outlaw!  Nobody I know gets permits but the "law" says if there's more than $50 worth of work going on (at least in my area) I need a permit.  Fuck that!  If I get a new front door I have to get a permit and that is bullshit.  If someone is building an addition and pouring foundation or making structural changes then whatever - obviously you need a permit.  And I get it - I really do - that it's about safety and legal issues and blah, blah, blah don't lecture me. I just don't think I needed a permit but my asshole neighbors felt otherwise and called the inspector's office on me.

I wasn't really concerned that my contractors were not meeting code - otherwise I wouldn't have hired them - but I just didn't want the extra trouble.  The fun part was that in the end the inspector asked twice "Now, why did you pull a permit for this project?" because even the inspector DIDN'T THINK I NEEDED A PERMIT.

The extra fun part was that the electrical inspector was a complete jackhole who was apparently more interested in using my bathroom than actually inspecting the work.  He approved the plans and rough-in work on two separate occasions only to decide one day that I needed more outlets on my backsplash.  AFTER the tile had already been installed.  I shit you not.  But my guys are smart and we rigged a solution just to pass inspection that they immediately removed:

Something I didn't pay for.  Or did I???!!!

Even though this has nothing to do with my kitchen, the electrical inspector also didn't feel like my smoke detector was adequate (I'm sure he had plenty of time to look in my hallway on the way to the bathroom).  He required that I add 3 additional smoke detectors along my hallway and hardwire them in because gawddammit this guy is an asshole.  So now my hallway looks like an airport landing strip at night and I'm out $500.  But I'm sure he's totally concerned about my safety considering I have an entire wing of my house with only ONE smoke detector.  How will I manage?

Even the final inspector agreed this guy was an asshole.  Thanks a lot neighbors!  Let's look at how your project is going:

It's probably illegal to post pictures of your neighbor's house, right?!

I know people in mint green houses shouldn't throw insults but damn I wish you had to get a permit for style because that is the ugliest eye-fucking house vomit I've ever seen.  Ugly paint, stupid window on a hideous 2nd story addition, mismatched brick on a garage built less than 2 feet (!) away and they don't even use it like the redneck Tea Partiers they are.   After 6 months your work still isn't done.  Karma's a bitch, muthafuckas.

The Kitchen Remodel Diet kicks Jenny Craig's ass!

Going without a kitchen for two months really wasn't as horrendous as I thought it was going to be.  Some people have to set up actual temporary kitchens complete with running water during the remodel but I'm not that high maintenance nor do I have kids.  I used a bowl, a plate, a wine glass, a few utensils and washed all that in the bathroom sink.  It was like living in a dorm but I didn't have to shower with flip flops on. Ahhh, being a homeowner...   

Normally I only cook about twice a week and eat on leftovers for a few days so I didn't actually miss the zen art of trussing a chicken.  Martha Stewart I am not.  

My dining room/temporary kitchen. Flowers from my neighbor - how sweet!

Since the weather was warm I mostly ate salads, cheese and crackers and apples with almond butter.  I was like a forest creature.  It was kinda nice not even having to worry about defrosting chicken or whether my squash was going bad.  My grocery list consisted of spinach, fancy cheese and apples so it was easy - I would have saved money on food except for the lunching out and bushels of organic produce.  This menu makes it seem like I'm a much healthier eater than I actually am so let me assure you, when I wanted something warm I did indulge in some fast food hamburgers because YUM.  

Since I'm a Madame of the classiest order (disregard previous fast food comment) I don't like cooking in the microwave, however I tried a few frozen meals but quickly remembered they are like poisonous vomit in a plastic container.  FYI, this:

is edible but makes your house and microwave permanently stink like rotting curry eaten out of a sweaty crotch.  With tires burning somewhere...  So basically, just like India.  Good thing I was throwing the old microwave away anyway.  Gawd I want to go back to India.

But lemme tell ya - the first thing I cooked when I had a stove again was a giant pan of roasted vegetables.  I never thought I'd ever say that I was craving a giant plate of green beans but damn they were good.  I think I ate them with a hamburger because it was pretty hard to get back in the habit of defrosting chicken and wondering if my squash was bad.  

Me so drrty
What's good about a remodel (if you're lazy like me) is that you get to totally slack off on cleaning for a legitimate reason and not the normal reasons I use like no one comes to visit me because I have no friends so why should I clean the house because I'm going to die alone anyway wedged between my piles of creepy stuffed animals, video tapes and rotten food!  *sob, sob, sob*

I kid.  I don't have a VCR.

My normal reason is that there's usually there's just a Strange Addiction marathon on.  THIS time there was no point in cleaning because it was going to immediately get dirty and dusty again.  It felt like I was living at the base of a moderately angry volcano.  

Lars and the Real Girl didn't seem this creepy...

I would highly recommend putting everything that's in close proximity to the work and isn't bolted down into storage.  I didn't until the ceiling fell and it rained white dirt in my house for days.  DAYS!  So I wiped everything down, put it into boxes and covered the furniture with sheets.  I went through 3 air filters in less than a month.

What my entire house looked like for two months.

My guys kept a pretty clean jobsite (except for that black dirt that kept showing up in my shower... what WAS that, guys?)  but there was still a lot of dusty foot traffic and general grubby hands all up in my ranch and ew.  Possibly blood too.  All that was cleaned up before I got home but if CSI ever comes to my house I bet I'm fucked.  Reason #98398429384 why this blog is awesome: it's an alibi.

I could probably write a book about this whole process and what I learned but I'll stop there on my Girl Scout list today.  Did I leave anything out?  Basically, do your homework but shit's gonna get fucked up because people are stupid and you're going to look like a bitch so just deal with it and eat some Thin Mints.

On your dirty couch.

Or put curses on your contractors... whatever.