Between Two Ferns: The ModernSauce Patio

Put on your special margarita panties, y'all, because it's time to get buck wild on my patio!


Just kidding.  Not kidding about the patio, kidding about the margarita panties.  Those don't actually exist because tequila makes your clothes come OFF and even if there were margarita panties they would have to edged in salt and that's really disgusting.  Also, lime juice probably makes your yes-yes place tingle and not in the good way although maybe you're into that kind of thing and that's totally cool and not at all my busi...

FUCK, JUST LOOK AT MY PATIO!

Flanking ferns for an awkward and dramatic effect. Don't make fun of my fledgling herbs either.

Well heeeey...  this place used to be completely empty except for a dirty rocking chair that I never used because it was broken.  And for about 5 years that's what I did - rocked in a broken rocking chair... alone... getting drunk on an ugly patio...


But NOW I can get drunk alone OR with friends because I have chairs!

And I managed to keep it sorta/kinda/not really in my fake budget.  So let's go shopping because I assume you're nosy like me and want to know where this shit came from. 

I already had a few things to build from like the rug and the bench which was the cheapest per ass ratio I could find.  And then I went to homeland, seller of all this cinnamony and scandolously cheap: IKE-rah.

Hadn't planned on buying these but when I got there these Roxo chairs were really quite comfy.  Got a couple of chair pads for a steal and now two of my friends will lounge in the lap of Swedish luxury.

Side table was already mine that I can't remember where I got it... That's code for I stole it.

Actually it's usually Charlemagne that lounges there as you can see by her trail of glittery fur that she leaves wherever she goes.  So generous, she is.  Madame, you must have been huffing IKE-rah furniture polish again because it's stupid to buy black cushions when you have a white cat.  And you are correct.  But at $9 we can wash them.  And flip them over.

Behind Charlemagne's throne is the start to my container garden!  Yippee!!  Next week we'll talk green things but I'm just happy I didn't kill anything yet.  Also, there are shiny things here.

Here's Mr. Bencho Box.  This fucker did indeed come in a box and I managed to get 80% of it built before I needed help!  I'm good with tools.

However, as we learned at the patio partio, Mr. Bencho Box has its limits and those limits are three partially drunk people who spent a few nervous minutes wondering if we might fall through the seat.  I like to think of it as added party drama.  You can't buy that kind of excitement at IKEA.  But I can buy a few more screws for support.

Fun fact that's fun only to me: found that seat cushion on Amazon made for another bench entirely but it fits mine so perfectly just like Miley Cyrus and whoever is her soul mate that she's marrying.  I love it when the universe is nice to me.

The universe was also nice by sending me a Hunter green pillow - yes, I'm bringing back that color because I look exceptional in it - from Home Decorator's - yes, I shopped there with no shame.  It's Sunbrella.  Fancy.

The Yellow stripe pillow and grey stripe pillow (not online) are from IKEA and are awesome.  Dirt cheap and everything can be unzipped and washed which is good in case you and a friend soil it with your love while on Mr. Bencho Box.  But remember, no threeways.  He can only handle two people at a time.

IKE-rah candle holders on the table. IKEA is the shit this year!

The two white tables were part of my vision from the beginning and after some tense negotiating I snagged them on the cheap out of storage from my office.  I just HAD to have a white coffee table otherwise my entire patio would be ruined and no one would come to my party and I'd lose all my friends and you'd find my mummified remains (covered in white cat hair) on Mr. Bencho Box in two years.

I know they are old West Elm tables though so perhaps Craigslist is your friend but he's not mine.  Chattavegas is shit for the list.

In an effort to both minimize the pastel and be friendly with the mint green of my house I decided to embrace the greenality.  So I spray painted this wicker stool I found at a thrift store and a few of the tins of citronella candles.  I must admit I'm really in love with this shade of greenality.  Maybe not more than hunter green but close...

It travels around...

Here are IKEA's Vago chair which makes me squee with plastic delight.  It's hard to find really contemporary outdoor items that are reasonably priced.  These things are $30 and you can clean them with a hose - I think I'm going to put them in my living room.  I already installed a drain in the floor there anyway...

And I don't care what you say about those tropical pillows because I'm so infinitely satisfied with them I'm deaf to your suffering.  They make me exceedingly happy. 

Oddly enough, I have more decorative throw pillows outside my house than inside.  I think the outside of my house is now more inviting than the inside.  Priorities.

Behind this plastic paradise is the second grouping of containers.  More on those next week.

To top it all off, I found this parrot tray at my favorite antique mall for $10 and just couldn't NOT buy it.  I'm not made of steel!

Just look at it!  Kicked those paradise pillows right in the balls.  It makes delightfully lewd gestures at my mint green siding when I'm not looking.  Mint green, peach and early 90s florals.  You can't go wrong with that.

The striping also makes me exceedingly happy.  You just can't go wrong with the parrots.  It's the best accessory on my patio.

Actually this thing is:

Don't be fooled.  She hasn't left that black cushion in five days except to roll in the dirt and have this picture made.  Whore for the camera.

So thanks to the magic powers of Instagram, here's what this place looks like at night:

It's hard to tell from the AWESOME filter I used but it really is nice after hours.  During regular hours it's pretty fucking nice if I'm being honest whilst patting myself on the back.  It's not perfect, there are things I'm already changing in my head but after years of living in patio squalor I'm pretty damn happy with how it turned out.  

I didn't have to settle for a grouping of bland outdoor matching furniture (that doesn't support gay marriage!) and for basically the same price I have a space that's definitely more Madame-tastic.  I haven't tallied the total but I think I'm near (fingers crossed)  my original budget of $750.  I probably went over because of all the damn pillows but you just can't snuggle properly without piles of polyester!

Those two damn ferns probably broke the budget too but hopefully they'll lure Zach Galifianakis over for the next patio partio.

You're all invited but we might need to get a Mrs. Bencho Box...