Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Now enrolling students in my Scienze of Home Economics class...

I think my universally-recognized contribution to the blogging community is in the area of science.  Whether it's finding the atomic weight of Sauceonium or measuring the strong force of cheese, I'm always working to find solutions for all your domestic dilemmas to make your life easier.  I have a Doctorate of Scienze in Home Economics.  

Just recently I had some breakthroughs that I thought you might be interested in.  Like these green onions in my windowsill from NOTHING!  IT'S MAGICK SCIENZE!
It's ALIVE!  So abundant they can't even remain upright.
Grown from nothing except the leftover nubbin roots of green onions I bought from the store.  

Thanks to the invaluable research team of People In Need of Total...   Pies of Infamy... P.I.N.T.E.R.E.S.T.  for short,  they alerted me to this research courtesy of Homemade Serenity.  After all my personal experiments I can conclude that this works!  

After you've cut the roots off from whatever you've bought at the store, just dump them in a glass of water and they'll regenerate.  I mean, grow back.  (Sorry.  Who on the brain.)  You have to change the water and rinse the roots every couple of days but it's so worth it.  I'm lazy and I can even manage it.

Now green onions forever!  Well... for a few months until you need to replace the roots entirely.  Still, it's magick AND saves you money!  Madame Scienze: 1.  Grocery stores: 0

Now let's take this discovery train outside!  I don't know about where y'all live but around here we are being overrun by bugs this year because of our mild winter.  Mosquitos, mites, spiders and a shit ton of other disgusting things are all up in my business and it makes me cranky.

I'm specifically having a problem with these things:
They're called boxelder bugs and they are under the impression that they can live in my flower beds.  Like ladybugs they are completely harmless, but I still don't want an infestation to happen if they move indoors.  Kinda like ladybugs.  If you squash them they leave a smell that will attract even more boxelder bugs.  Kinda like ladybugs.

After much exhaustive research (googling) on my part I discovered that the best way to kill them is with a squirt bottle filled with water and a few drops of dish soap.  HOORAY!  One squirt and they die in just a few seconds and all is right with the world again.  

I feel a little bad killing them especially when they're having their sexy times and their asses are stuck together but I don't want their thousands of babies in my bedroom.  Survival of the fittest, not soapiest.

Fun fact: while crouched low taking care of boxelder business with my spray bottle this weekend, a different shade of black and red movement caught my eye.  Turns out it was THIS:

I'd never seen a black widow in real life before but even from three feet away amongst a migration of black and red boxelders it was unmistakable.  Boxelders run away from the stream of soap water but this spider actually ran up the web towards me like 'What the fuck is going on out here?  I WILL FUCK YOU UP, LADY!  Water is NOTHING to me.  NOOOTHIINGGG."  Aggressive little fuckers.  

I think soap water probably makes them into Hulk Widows so I had to use the real bug spray.  Near my basil plant, gawddamit.  So no pesto at the Ranch for a while until I can be sure that all the pesticide was absorbed into the ground then into the groundwater and washed away from my plant.  That should take about four weeks.  I know because I'm a Doctor Madame of Scienze.

So if you're wondering why I'm not posting about the latest Vivienne Westwood line of tea cozies or 50 shades of architectural porn it's because I've been devoting my internet time to meaningful scientific endeavors.  Like the eradication of boxelders and growing onions.  

I'm super busy with that so maybe someone else could work on the black widow problem.  The problem that they actually exist!

Or maybe someone could work on cloning me and then I'll work on it.  

Christ, do I have to do everything around here?


  1. I think you have found your field as your mind is so fertile. Maybe feed the onions to the black widow. (K)

    1. My mind is as fertile as a glass of water for leftover onions. I'm going big places.