I was really enjoying my month of hotbernating but then politicians have to go and fuck up my life and leisure and wake up this cranky bear. We hit a 9.8 on the on the vagina scale of fuckery this week and shit just got real, y'all
I know we might be experiencing rape fatigue (it's a thing now) but I needed to do some research so I decided to have a convo with my vagina: Justin Beaver. She is the silent partner here at this blog so I felt it was the right thing to do.
First she said that she hates her new name and requested we go back to Madame Thunderpussy. Your wish is my command, Madame.
Then she explained to me about scienze and how wonderfully magical it all is! Like Jeezus directing a Disney movie about biology that takes place in your uterus.
"So you have ways of shutting all that biznasty down should I ever be foolish enough to be raped?" I asked into my hand mirror.
"Grrrl," she said, "if you believe hard enough and clap really loud I can do all kinds of awesome shit. Just wait til I tell you all the other gnarly things me and my bits can do."
And here are 29 of the superhuman things I just learned my vagina is capable of:
I know we might be experiencing rape fatigue (it's a thing now) but I needed to do some research so I decided to have a convo with my vagina: Justin Beaver. She is the silent partner here at this blog so I felt it was the right thing to do.
First she said that she hates her new name and requested we go back to Madame Thunderpussy. Your wish is my command, Madame.
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| I have a Tumblr for all my Instagrams now so you can keep up with the Madame there. Wait... |
"So you have ways of shutting all that biznasty down should I ever be foolish enough to be raped?" I asked into my hand mirror.
"Grrrl," she said, "if you believe hard enough and clap really loud I can do all kinds of awesome shit. Just wait til I tell you all the other gnarly things me and my bits can do."
And here are 29 of the superhuman things I just learned my vagina is capable of:
1. Make a perfect pie crust.
2. Land the Mars Rover better than those NASA amateurs.
3. Make a bed with perfect hospital corners.
4. Shell peas.
5. Discern which Olsen twin is which and which one is a witch.
6. Count to 1000 using only prime numbers.
7. List all the winners of Project Runway in the bitchiest order.
8. Compose a sonnet. (Not a good one. It IS just a vagina.)
9. Grow and birth babies.
10. Orgasm to the rhythm of any One Direction song.
11. Wear muff after Easter.
12. Drop it like it's hawt.
13. Recite all the words to "It's the End of the World as We Know It."
14. Telepathically communicate with albino narwhals.
15. Disarm a bomb at the last second. (Please no Hurt Locker jokes)
16. Can absorb the energy of the Time Vortex with no complications.
17. Queef on a dandelion and have the wish actually come true.
18. Comfortably make small talk at parties.
19. Reduce the deficit.
20. Get her bangs to do that.
20. Get her bangs to do that.
21. Pee rainbows.
22. Tastefully mix florals and stripes.
23. Grow a pearl.
24. Provide shelter from the storm.
25. Make new seasons of Arrested Development.
26. Knows all the choreography to Janet Jackson's "Pleasure Principle."
27. Produces dragon eggs on leap year as backup for the Khaleesi.
28. Sin button produces Secret Sauce when engaged.
29. Makes this cameltoe look gooood.
Y'all. I had no idea my vagina was so amazing. I should be thanking Senator Akin for giving me the opportunity to learn all this about my own body.
So laaadies, go have a convo and let me know what else our Renaissance vaginas can do. I've got to go make some wishes!
29. Makes this cameltoe look gooood.
Y'all. I had no idea my vagina was so amazing. I should be thanking Senator Akin for giving me the opportunity to learn all this about my own body.
So laaadies, go have a convo and let me know what else our Renaissance vaginas can do. I've got to go make some wishes!
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this Madame. Posting in a like-minded newsgroup +1
ReplyDeleteYay! V-love all around!
DeleteWow, you are amazzzzing! All mine can do is pee rainbows.
ReplyDeleteaka, deb
Um... have you asked her?! I bet she can do a lot more but you have to believe hard enough. Scienze.
DeleteThis, is awesome.
ReplyDeletexx
You're welcome. I love learning new things about our bodies.
DeleteEvery time your Madame Thunderpussy claps, a vagina fairy gets unleashed somewhere. The Albino Narwahls told me that vie telepathy. Or was is MT messing with my mind???? Gotta go rearrange the florals on my stripes. http://funandfit.org/want-to-be-enchanting-4-tips-part-1/
ReplyDeleteSounds like you and your vagina are having regular convos! Nice. Tell those narwhals I said squee.
DeleteI'm not on speaking terms with mine at the moment, so I'll have to get back with you...
ReplyDelete#17 sounds like fun. ;)
Y'all need to make up fast. It's gettin cuh-razy around here.
DeleteWishes are always fun!
My boygina can't do any of that. :(
ReplyDeleteYeah but I bet it can do loads of other cool things like chop wood and wear a bowtie. It all balances out in nature.
DeleteFinally, someone takes a reasonable stance on women's health issues! Send this to congress immediately, if not sooner.
ReplyDeleteMy vagina transcribed it to a narwhal and then that narwhal took it directly to Washington DC!
DeleteMine it's good playing scrabble, changing a flat tire and predicting when a politician screwed it up ;)
ReplyDeleteYour vagina is so handy to have on long road trips and detecting political bullshit! Well played, vagina.
DeleteSo, I had a discussion with my vagina last night and she said: "You want me to do WHAT? Remember I am old and shriveling up, like your face, damn it!" I have a very testy vagina!!!
ReplyDeleteaka, deb
How rude! Deb you're gonna have to get serious with your vagina. You shouldn't have to put up with that kind of backtalk. Unless one of your vagina's powers is actually backtalking and then you're fucked. Or she is. Wait...
DeleteHoly fuck. I also know all the words to "It's the End of the World As We Know It". And no one has ever given a flying fuck. UNTIL. UNTIL NOW. I think Madame Thunderpussy and I are kindred vag spirits.
ReplyDeleteKindred vag spirits! YES. You don't get to pick your vag special skillz, you just get lucky.
DeleteI tried to talk to mine and she was all, bitch I just had a baby kicking me and getting born and shit, step off. I'm like hey, we had a c-section and that was 1.5 years ago, get over it. She was all, I can shut this shit down, do not play with me, I'm still not speaking to you. I don't know what skillz she has, but damn, she got an attitude.
ReplyDeleteSounds like she has PTSD from the bebe! Probably need to get her to therapy. Or a hug. From a penis?!
DeletePenile hugs = more babies! I know my math.
Deleteaka, deb
Are you sure, deb? I'll need to check with Akin about that kind of math. He seems to know all kinds of things.
DeleteBut a hug is not rape so the body will not 'shut down'. Such an ignorant man!!!
Deleteaka, deb
And I thought that because mine is bilingual it was awesome, jajajajajajaja great post! Btw, that "List all the winners of Project Runway in the bitchiest order" is my favorite of all!
ReplyDeleteYay for bilingual vaginas!! I feel so global around here!
DeleteThanks, Deray. ; )
It's the end of the world as we know it? But...I feel fine. I think just heard the sound of my Pinterest followers defollowing (made it up) me. All I can say is, don't let the screen door hit ya where the good lawd split ya. Wonder what made me remember that? Seems random.
ReplyDelete