Virgos. We keep it chill. And orderly.

Even though it's much more fun to laugh at someone else's misfortune - like everything about Mitt Romney except his actual fortune - I have nothing but good news that's happening here in Saucelandia.  Booooring.

First of all, September is my birfday month so I've been celebrating this whole time in my mind because it just feels like Virgo in the air.  It's getting chilly... is that a pumpkin-spiced autumnal breeze?  Nope, it's just the patron saint of Fall - an emotionally frigid Virgo - giving you a hug! 

Ahhh... Fall.

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In other exciting news unrelated to that delightful fire tower, I am officially NOT the worst person in Pure Barre anymore!  Well, just in last night's class.  I'm still the worst person 95% of the time which is better than 112% of the time so yay me.  

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I like Pure Barre because it's not competitive in any way but sometimes being able to maneuver better than the woman who is trailing her placenta behind her while walking into class because she just had a baby yesterday is enough to make me happy.

I have low standards. 

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This lamp definitely made my birfday month much better.  Just knowing it exists in the world is enough for me.  (See above about low standards.)  Kinda like John Hamm's penis.  It's existence is all of the gifts I'll ever need.  Hey laaaadies....!!!

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If John Hamm has low standards then maybe we need to six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon his ass so we could meet.  THAT would truly be the only gift I'd ever need.

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It would like September EVERY DAY FOREVER!

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Or similar to hanging out in this tent.  It's like a pillow fort got a shot in ass of Hipster-cillan.

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Other good news this month: fresh corn on the cob, new Hoarders episodes, NEW DOCTOR WHO EPISODES, I made some good macaroni and cheese, bought some cute sweaters for the new season, my cuticles looked pretty last week, my coffee table has been kept clean (-ish) for more than three days AND I've already made headway on my Christmas list.  

I'm a gawddamn rock star.

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Wow.  Those things read really lame but they seem really cool when you're actually living them.  MOTHERFUCKING CORN, Y'ALL!  But if that's just not doing it for you with your high standards of blogging and life, the best thing about this month is that I'm going on vacation next week.

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Wheeeee!  News that's totally relevant to your life!!!!!

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I packed tonight and included every item of clothing I own because you just never know what's going to happen at the beach.  Sophisticated rave with a nautical cowboy theme or pajamas?  Pajamas or an afternoon nap outfit?  EVERY BATHING SUIT I'VE BOUGHT SINCE I WAS 12.  

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And eleventeen pairs of shoes but that happens every time I take a trip whether it's for one night or I'm leaving to represent my district in the Beach Hunger Games.  

That's what I call breakfast on vacation.

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I think I'm going to have a white-themed vacation.  It just seems fitting.  Hope it works with the nautical cowboy glitter rave!

Speaking of white, I really hope I meet this fellow melanin-challenged gentleman at the beach.

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We would have a great time.  Especially when we ride in THIS!

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BLADOW.  It's the boat where all your wishes come true after you dance the night away at beach raves.

Just kidding, I make wishes come true by queefing on dandelions and I don't go to raves.

Unless there's corn dogs there and then I probably would.  As long as it ended by a reasonable hour...

After my birthday vacation I'll be back with fun things that I know you've been waiting on (shut up) like my new love affair with guns and my other new love affair with my imaginary boyfriend.  

Not the guy above, I'm not a pedophile or a teacher who's a pedophile.  Gross.  

Happy Virgo-induced cold chills, y'all, and I'll see you on the flip side with tons of Instagrammed beach pictures that you won't give a shit about!