Sunday, September 9, 2012

The absurd architecture of reality.

This weekend the humidity dropped below 200% so it was a great time to get outside and celebrate my beautiful state:
Tennessee, y'all.  

We have whiskey and rocks.
I spent Saturday all up in Nature and shit.  It's like I temporarily forgot my #1 hobby is sitting in front of a computer.

If this doesn't earn me my white trash hippie merit badge then I don't know what else I can do other than grow my pubic hair into dreadlocks while shotgunning a Miller High Life.  

It was beautiful even when it started pouring down rain for our 45 minute walk back to the car which I'm totally fine with because every lady person knows that rainwater is excellent for your skin.  
I don't know why - probably sky poison? - but my skin always feels delicious after I spend some time in the rain.  That makes me sound like a fucking crazy homeless person that is in the rain a lot but I assure you my life is not like a Jimmy Buffet song.  I don't even like Pina Coladas.

I further celebrated my geographic area by sitting on a couch inside watching the entire 1st season of Small Town Security.  
AMC. Stuff that's scarier than Walking Dead.
If you are unfamiliar with this experience it is a reality show on AMC - yes, a real network - and is the most riveting - pardon my language - turd I've ever seen float down the river of television.  

It follows a family of characters so eccentric it would give any Southern Gothic-lover moist panties.  This group of foul-mouthed misfits provide security and private investigation for the North Georgia area as well as more mouth-dropping moments of absurdity for the audience than I thought possible.  But I haven't seen an episode of Honey Boo Boo yet so...
Even Funny or Die is in on the action.
Not only is it worth you buying it from Amazon or iTunes immediately, it is filmed literally ten minutes from my house.  And that's not a figurative "literally" it's a literal "literally" because Ringgold, GA, the setting for this masterpiece, is less than ten minutes away from where I live in the grand metropolis of Chattanooga, TN.  

I may or may not have family and friends in Ringgold...  *uncomfortable shifting*  

I can recognize almost every single building in the background.  It's not a proud moment for my area.  I urge you to watch it post haste.

But since I can't actually build a blog around crazy shit in my area (CAN I???) and because I'm all into nature and shit as well as private investigation now (segue alert!) I thought I'd get to the bottom of this image that has haunted my Pinterest dreams the last week. 
I'm not sure what's going on here but there is a lot of purty wood, a wall of green things similar to what I saw in 'teh nature' this weekend and a shiny floor that looks more like a fog machine was turned on.  I don't know but it makes me want to put on my glitter eyeshadow and just DANCE in the forest. *jazz hands*

In addition to reality show train wrecks, those are some of my favorite things - modern ambiguity and an unquenchable desire for glitter and Fosse-inspired movement.  Upon further investigation I learned it is a vignette in the 'Origami House' in Singapore designed by Formwerkz Architects.  
I'm so good at the investigation thing I think I could work for Small Town Security.  

Money, sex and power, OBVIOUSLY.

Say the architects: Adapting the concept of Origami – the geometric folding of a piece of paper to different shapes and forms- we attempt to depict the parent-child relationship in the way their dwelling spaces are intricately juxtaposed within the sculpted volumes created by the folding of bronze metal planes. While the child...  

Fuck, I just passed out from boredom.
You know what's more interesting than everything they just said about this house?  SMALL TOWN SECURITY.  If I didn't already hook you, did I mention they talk about sex all the time?  They have someone that actually delivers dirty magazines to them.  Welcome to the fuckery of the South, y'all.

I don't even know what I'm looking at but I think I like it.  


Did I mention there is an openly transexual person on the show?  That's a big deal down here... I may have choked up a bit at that part of the story.

There's also something on the show called a "shit stick" which also made me cry but more from shock, confusion and revulsion.

all images from HomeDSGN
Lemme just say that someone pees their pants on camera and that's the least shocking thing I watched in that episode.

That pool runs the entire length of the house... Just wanted you to know.
This show is the best thing to happen to me since Sister Wives, obviously.  It's kinda sweet but creepy as fuck.  

Similar to my conflicted feelings about this house because even though I enjoy it immensely I can't figure out where the living room is where I would curl up on the couch, shotgun a Miller High Life and watch the beautiful love story of a transexual and his reincarnated non-wife while they protect and serve on tv. 

Gawd bless the architect that would ever have to work with me should I ever have enough money to build a house.  

They would probably rather die from a shit stick through the heart.


  1. Sooo, ummm yeah...Small Town Security. I watched a few episodes with someone *not* from around here this weekend, and he was almost as blown away as I have been. Not only is this show about my hometown (shhhh don't tell) but the husband went to my high school (yikes)! Probably not going to make the alumni magazine, but you never know. One of my co-workers is on the Ringgold City Council, and refuses to watch. If that's not a reason for everybody here to watch, I'm not sure what is!

    1. It is... a piece of work for sure. I CAN'T STOP WATCHING!! At least it's nice to know that both locals and non-locals are equally blown away. There's hope for us yet!

  2. The description of the house was funny as shit. (Be forewarned I will be cursing a lot more online now that can't fucking fuck curse in my own damn house. 1.5 year olds and their "language acquisition skills" *eyeroll*) All I could think about with parent-child bullshit was that they clearly didn't have children. That staircase where the wood floor slopes up the wall? Perfect kid momentum increaser. Probably facing an artistically folded cliff or some shit.

    Also, I need you to have this mental image: Paul Rudolph sex worker office of multilevels of beds with feet sticking out while the madam walks over them on the elevated bed/working area. Against a backdrop of architecture drawings made up of tiny adult parts. And hanging plants.

    You're welcome.

    1. Yeah - the funniest stuff on this blog is the stuff I don't even write. I'm so ashamed!! *sob*

      And I have a very clear mental image of what you just described because it might be my dream job...?!!!! Also I think you just gave me an idea for an art project where I architecturally detail/draw tiny adult parts! It'll be weird and yet totally relevant! You're a genius!

    2. Feel free to share with everyone you know, because that image needs to be the new brainworm, infesting everyone.

      I would totally pin the crap out of your art project, use it as my background image on my computer and nail the print to my wall. My husband might complain about adult parts everywhere but since we're currently arguing over what to call them for the toddler's benefit (potty training) he can suck it. I'm going with fiddly bits, because vagina is just too long for a toddler to recognize and vajayjay makes me laugh.

      Thanks for the love, blog soul mate.

    3. If you'll excuse me, I need to go graph out some vulva...

  3. PS You've been killing it with the blog post titles! My next post is going to be "Fuckity fuck, fucking toddlers."

    1. Thank you, friend! You're comments always make my day so DON'T STOP.

      And I'd totally read a post titled "Fuckity fuck, fucking toddlers" because seriously, toddlers?!