This... post... is on FIYAAAHHH!

One should probably return from a blogging hiatus with something really deep and existential about the nature of table lamps as they relate to heteronormativity in the New Aesthetics but I don't want to talk about that.

Yet.

I want to talk about this:

Mark Hartman

Not the cat.  I'm lusting more after that perfect tomato red sleeve which makes total sense if you're me.  I'm not into sleeve porn (that I know of...?) but I do have a serious color boner that reached a geyser-like orgasmisplosion with this:

Forgot where I pulled this and now can't find it...

I'll die a tortuous Zero Dark Thirty death (too soon?) for talking about my boner and Mobama in the same sentence but y'all.  Full stop.  All dem beautiful bitches in red at the Golden Globes had nothing on this red.  I confess to sitting on my couch while crying real, sriracha-flavored tears while the POTUS and FLOTUS danced because my life is meaningless of how pretty she looked.  

And how insane I might be.

Insane like I want Michelle Obama to be my mom and I want to smell her face but in a really normal and healthy way.  

But also, red. 

It's my muse for 2013.

Chic Wish

I'd wear the hell out of this coat.  And I know everyone's probably tired of drapey folds on clothes - the labial accent, I call it - but I'm not.  In fact, I think in 2013 we're going to reclaim vaginas back from ignorant white men so let's say YES to more drapey butterfly wings this year.

Or whatever you're rockin' ladies - we don't judge.

Valentino Couture Spring 2013

Also, capes this year.  Like Little Red Riding Hood!  And then somebody gets to be your big, bad wolf and it'll be the hot new sex craze to hit the nation kinda like 50 Shades of Grey but weirder because of the whole beastiality/Lolita thing but maybe it could work because people be crazy...?

Breaking news: vaginas and Furries are going to be in for 2013.  Maybe furry vaginas?!  Your call.

Let's all reread The Red Tent just in case.

Richard Avedon via Harper's Bazaar

You know what's not in for 2013?  Actual vagina cape things.  Sorry, Audrey.

Can't find original source - probably an old pic but I still dig it...

But I guess if vaginas aren't your thang (weirdo) you can lust over some sanguine velvet lounging furniture.

Christian Kettiger

To be honest, red is one of my least favorite colors and is only eclipsed in its garishness by purple and whatever color fake honey mustard dressing is.  It's just so blatant and crass and I think we can all agree that I'm much more about things that are subtle and classy.  

Cuz I'm elegant.

My preference is the austere intensity of black like my cold, barely-beating, basement of a heart.  Or black's lazy stoner friend - blue.  

Sapphire is my birthstone so it's astrologically determined what hues I'm supposed to wear and you can't argue with the scienze of space.  

I'm a black and blue girl and not just because I bump into things a lot - I wear them all the time, I only buy art and decorative pillows in those shades and I only write in blue and black ink.  

Except in the cases of making deals with the devil where you sign in blood, I think it might be illegal in the South to sign a check in red.  At the very least, it's an act only reserved for those who eat sketti and have pet pigs and I ain't talkin' about Suzanne Sugarbaker.

here

Who also looks really good in red, coincidentally.

Julia Randall

But something happened last year - I had an out-of-body shopping experience and bought a tomato red sweater (with only slight labial draping in front) courtesy of the Banana Republic outlet and it was marvelous.  Swear to gawd, I channeled the spirit of Marilyn Monroe (okay Suzanne Sugarbaker) and there was much sashaying and Southern anecdotes of an off-color origin just like Marilyn. *coughSuzannecough*

I even wore my secret red lipstick with it because I was an animal.

drawing by Geninne on Flickr

My red sweater was so magical another human being told me I was pretty in it so I immediately cried captured that moment, made it my Instagram avatar and now I show it to every person I meet in case I'm wearing blue and black just so they'll know and SEE and yes it is very awkward for everyone.

Harper's Bazaar

But I can't help it because just like Katniss Everdeen and Alicia Keys, I'm a girl on fire now.  Just like my new mom - Mobama.  Mombama.

Wood Wood

Or this girl with her cute sneaks.

Style Bubble

Or this girl in this cute dress standing in front of one of my least favorite couches of all time...  You get no free pass in 2013!

Nina Katchadourian

This spiderweb is totally pickin' up what I'm puttin' down.  Charlotte is on Team Firecrotch.

Norman Mooney

Wait, we need a new team name...  Y'all work that out in the comments.

RED OBJECT office space in China by 3GATTI (2006)

Or in this creative fun pod in China.  We could brainstorm some good shit in there.

So this year I'm going to embrace one of my color nemeses and drink up all the passionfruit juice it brings or whatever other bullshit attributes you're supposed to associate with certain colors.  

I should probably say something about red being full of "passion" or "lust" which is what Pantone would say but I've already mentioned vaginas too much in this post already.

Jenny Saville

So this year - thanks to the passionately wanton power of red, obviously - I'm going to give myself permission to be on a blog hiatus if I want, permission to come back and post creepy Bloodyface portraits that I can't stop staring at, permission to wear red vaginal drapey sweaters all over my person, permission to be on fire in said drapey sweaters or just be on fire in general and even permission to sign my name in red.

via Fuck Yeah Hard Femme

And permission to wear lots of red lipstick.

Maybe I gave myself permission to be existential after all.