Thursday, November 13, 2014

Come for the pie, stay for the ANIMAL SACRIFICE.

Welp, guess it's winter.  At least according to my nipples.  Hey wouldn't it be great if someone invented little tiny hand warmers but in the form of pasties?  Or an entire onesie made of the stuff...??  I'd never leave the house, lose my job, end up living in the sewer... but my nipples would be so, so toasty...

Rue Blanche A/W 2014 here
Behold my winter goals.  I've been on the oxblood bandwagon for a while but I'm amping up my personal colorstory to include platinum.  I attempted it last week at the salon but it came out more buttercream than icy bitch hair.  We shall prevail.

Simon Watson
I need some velvet in my life.  Besides, 'velvet oxblood' sounds kinda badass.  Kinda opposite of someone that might need self-warming pasties...

Maya Coline
This looks like an oxblood badass.  I bet her nipples are made of steel.  If I can't naturally look this cool with my normal boring fleshy nipples maybe I could cover myself in the ACTUAL blood of an ox.  It would really catapult my Friendsgiving to a new level.  Come for the pie, stay for the ANIMAL SACRIFICE.

So are you feeling the winter yet?  In your nipples or other tender bits?  What are you cooking for the holidays?  I need to set my menu.  I KNOW I'll be making Orangette's cream braised Brussels sprouts because they are a staple.  I might attempt baking some yeasty rolls from scratch...  I'm not sure if I can manage it without the power of platinum hair but we'll see what happens. 

That's what's good about just cooking for friends - if it tastes terrible or they don't agree with your sartorial colorstory everyone can laugh and then you add them to the animal sacrifice at the end of the meal.


  1. I'm currently wearing a Snuggie, it's like a giant blue nipple-warmer. You should try it. Also, the only thing I've ever made for Thanksgiving is S'mores Pie, and I think that covers my bases.

    1. I admit to making fun of snuggies in the past but my nipples are shopping for one on Amazon right now.

      Mmh... S'mores pie sounds amazing.

  2. I've decided to deal with winter by crafting & baking like a friggin' maniac. The plan of attack at my house is bake shit, eat it for 2 days, then force it on everyone who comes near me. So far I've made pumpkin bread (success), pudding (abject failure), and olive oil brownie cookies (so much success). This week I'm thinking Irish shortbread.

    Oxblood is glorious and definitely goes with the sacrificing of ungrateful feast guests. On Thanksgiving, you should set the mood with an oxblood cape that drags on the ground while wearing antlers that you never once reference in conversation.

    1. Can you please art direct my Thanksgiving because that's sounds amazing?! It would be so awesome to just look like an absolutely glamorous maniac and see who says anything...

      And that is EXACTLY what I'm going to do this winter! Prepare to see similar things on my winter bucket list this week... There must be something about this weather that's doing it to people...

      And we should recipe swap for our successes! Hell, and failures...

    2. Oh Gawd, I would love to direct your Thanksgiving wearing an Andy Warhol outfit & vintage camera and mumbling and not making eye contact with anyone. Because I like long as it's not mine.

    3. YES. I would also not mention your presence to my guests...