Madame Gravy Goes to Washington.

We know I've been a Cranky McLeafhater this Fall - a pumpkin-flavored thing hasn't touched my lips, been wearing sandals with my jackets, shaking my fist at your decorative front porch mums.  But I think I finally turned my attitude around thanks to a short vacation last week to DC.

My goal was to be spiritually transformed by some leaves and eat something pumpkin and generally be less of a jerk.  I think all of those things happened but at least I know that I Instagrammed those things that made it look like I was spiritually transformed.

However, the only pumpkin thing I've had so far was a piece of stale pumpkin loaf from an airport Starbucks which was still good I don't give a shit.  I love pumpkin and I don't care how much people on the internet make fun of white girls liking pumpkin I'M PROUD TO BE A PALE, PUMPKIN APPRECIATOR!

Well, I like pumpkin but not the part about sounding like a white supremecist...

Aaaanypunkins, I also ate some pho for the first time which makes kinda does make me sound like some kind of white supremecist hillbilly but we do not have these fancy things in Chattavegas!

It far surpassed the stale pumpkin loaf I had and was so delicious I don't even care if you make fun of me for Instagramming my food.  Us hillbillies gotta get it where we can.

To make up for it here are some moderately better pictures of places we've all seen a thousand times.  YOU'RE WELCOME.

But don't ask me what these things are because I have about the same level of tourism depth as I do reading comprehension: ZERO.

That's probably why I've been so spotty with my blogging - I barely have the reading comprehension to process my OWN writing.  Chew on that for a while ooh look is that more pho over there?!

ONWARD TOWARDS MORE PHO!

Is that pho heartburn or is that the tingle as my soul begins to be transformed by Autumn's splendor?

I want a pair of these dudes to flank my front porch.  It's a thousand times better than mums.

Look!  A place!  In another city!  I love travel.

I like DC - it's a real city that is easy to walk around in and is a short flight from Chattanooga.  This means that all the gays are going there to get married and I actually bumped into a couple I know doing exactly that on my same flight.  I'm calling this route the Equality Express now. 

Because fuck you, Tennessee.

But it wasn't all important monuments and buildings I won't remember, I got my nature on too!  I can't remember who's in that statue but I remember metro stops and that these pictures are from Great Falls.

I can't go anywhere without seeing at least SOME rocks.  If I can get there using the handicap accessible trail which I may have done.  

If you look close at the bottom in the middle you'll see a kayaker.  That's as close to I will ever get to living on the edge - WATCHING someone else kayak.  It definitely got my heart pumping.  Much like it does when there are pumpkin flavored things nearby.

Aaaand... I think I'm finally in the holiday spirit.  I had to spend a few days in Texas before going home and I couldn't even wear my sandals with my jacket there it was so cold.  It really is a different season now and Mother Nature said no takesies backsies so we're doing this.

But now that means I have to actually do something with the leaves in my yard instead of pretending magical summer fairies will come and take them away.

You know what this means, y'all?  MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS IS TOMORROW.

See you at the mall.  Please leave me a slice of stale pumpkin loaf.  It's all that will sustain me through the rest of this holiday season.

Add some glitter to your 'Gram

I've been getting a lot of questions about Instagram lately so I thought it was time to invite y'all back to Madame Sunday's School of Social Media and Sauce-itude (now accepting applications for Spring 2013).  I happen to love Instagram because I'm mildly creative and a terrible picture taker and that's their target user.

Essentially, you take pictures (smartphone only, cheaters) then jazz them up with some effects to give it personality and emotion which are the things we are all lacking.  Filters make the worst shit - like your face, your breakfast and you totally fucking boring life - somewhat consumable by others.  To be completely consumed by the Matrix is what we all dream of after all.

So here are my tips to guarantee INSTAnt success (that'll never get old) on Instagram.  Judging by my tens and tens of followers you can see I'm not only a client, I'm the INSTA-president.  (It just got old.)

InstaTip #1: The most important thing you should take pictures of is you.  Just like this here picture of me:

Can you tell I wrote this whole thing eight months ago?

Did you have a middle class childhood that left you with a fleeting sense of self worth but enough disposable income to buy a smartphone?  Well cheer up, Needy McTearbuckets!  Ernstergerm is a self-aggrandizers wet dream!  

If you're happy, sad or sitting in a car people need to see it because Instagrammers are all illiterate and do not understand the complex arrangement of shapes and lines known as 'words' that you use to create tweets or Facebook status updates.  Got a new shirt?  Me no understand - NEED PICTURE!

If you're a shy self-aggrandizer or just plain donkey butt ugly, don't worry.  You can take pictures of your feet in the popular #fromwhereistand hashtag.  

Bonus points:  "Accidental" cleavage

Demerits: Having a dirty mirror in your self-shot

InstaTip #2:  The only thing better than your face is a small face that lives with you.

But remember, everyone loves cats but not everyone loves your weirdo kid so choose your small faces wisely.  At least your kids are too young to give their consent when you post pictures of them naked and doing terribly embarrassing things.  Capitalize on that while you can before they start asking about a therapist. 

Bonus points:  Naked kids and clothed pets together.

Demerits: Probably cats. Sigh...

InstaTip #3: Your gastrointestinal tract is of utmost importance to the online community.  At every chance you get make sure to photograph what you are putting in your tummy tum tums.

But only if it is foodie-worthy, alcoholic in nature or a cappuccino with artful foam on top. 

Be wary with your filtering here, Instafriends.  Sometimes that greasy vintage filter that's perfect for your mustachioed gentleman friends doesn't always work for your meals.  I don't want to look at food that appears as if has actually been sitting around since the '70s.  

Bonus Points: Sriracha sauce (see noodles). Mentioning the farmer's market you purchased your organic food from. 

Demerits:  Taco Bell (unless you're being ironic).  Fourth meal should only happen in private and gives a whole new definition to food porn.

InstaTip #4:  If you haven't spent all of your money on your iPhone (or even if you have) remind people that you need a break from your hard life by taking a vacation.

I have a whole book of coastline fun here, if you remember.  And thus the reason I needed my financial cleanse.

Can't get to a beach?  Once you finish crying over your pathetic life, get to the mountains or a ditch somewhere and experience some real nature and shit.  I went to the mountains and purposely made my pictures look like a '70s NatGeo spread because I'm so ironic it physically hurts.

It's good to let everyone know that even though you love technology so much you'd prefer to have your corneas replaced with Instagram filters, you DO appreciate the environment.  Before global warming kills us all.  Hello 75 degree December.

Like how I appreciate this creek by my office where I go to pretend I'm a human animal during my lunch break.  It's also an example of filtering gone too far.  It looks like the filter I used was named "Post-Global Warming Unicorn Piss."  Sometimes nature doesn't need your help

Bonus points: "Accidental" bikini shots.

Demerits: Showing the jorts you wore to the creek.  

InstaTip #5:  Irregardless of whether you're going to the beach or a paperclip convention, definitely document your travels so all your loser, non-travelling followers can be jealous.  If they can't see the plane wing out your window, you never left home.

It's really high up and lonely and you get to feel almost like Felix Baumgartner.  We're all daredevils of the sky on Instagram.

You'd have to be a monster to not enjoy looking at clouds.  They are the kittens of the atmosphere.

Bonus points:  Making Fight Club references 

Demerits: Taking pictures of other passengers sleeping.  Please stop. Seriously.  It's not 'reality art,' it's fucking creepy.

InstaTip #6:  All people on the interwebz love exactly what you love so document your hobbies in detail.  I'm pretend to be a design blogger so it's important that I post random and inconsequential pictures of the ModSauce Ranch.

If you're a design blogger and don't own a Bertoia-ish chair then you should drown yourself and iPhone in a vat of eggnog.  Might not be a bad way to go.

But my design skillz don't stop at my front door!  Nay!  I like to appear worldly and smartier by taking pictures of famous buildings I visit.  

That's only about once a year for me so really milk it by name dropping.  For instance, this is the interior of the Westin hotel in Atlanta by John Portman whose firm totally followed me on Twitter after this.  And then immediately unfollowed me.  Guess they don't 'get' my art.

My 'art' being old JCPenney's stores at the mall.

Bonus points: Pictures of every Fab.com package you receive.

Demerits: Your recliner.

InstaTip #7: Just like Jeezy said, y'all: put on for your city.  As this past election proved, only people that live in dense populations matter so don't let anyone forget how important you are by merely existing there.

I cheated - that's Atlanta.  Chattanooga barely counts as a city but we do have a few old buildings that TOTALLY COUNT AND DON'T YOU SAY OTHERWISE.

I'm urban.  Also we have about twelve bridges so your city better redneckognize.

Bonus points: Graffiti and pictures from the ghetto. Dumpsters.

Demerits:  Your happy hour at Applebee's.

InstaTip #8:  If you've done all of the above tips and still can't fake a personality it's time for drastic measures.  You'll have to find a niche.   Mine is all manner of Southern Gothic mediocrity and trailers.  

Path to a serial killer's house or a entrance to the gnome park?  Who knows?!!!!  Let's have Instagram decide!

If there is an abandoned building within 200 miles that is being eaten by kudzu, I will find it and document it for your mild enjoyment.

And because I live in the magical South, I have a ghost orb that follows me around and lives in my iPhone.  There's not an app for that.  It just comes with being saucy.  And haunted?

Bonus Points: Handmade Confederate signs 

Demerits: Not having a niche, you fucking loser.

InstaTip #9: When it doubt, just take pictures of sunsets.

Can you spot the sunset ghost orb?!

Or the sunset THROUGH autumn leaves.

Autumn leaves should probably be InstaRule #23893827878.

Bonus points: Sunsets WHILE doing extreme sports like rock climbing or beach volleyball.

Demerits: All sunsets are like kittens laughing lasers out of their mouths so you really can't go wrong.

InstaTip #10: Go big or go home.  Maybe you don't have a super saucy orb and sunsets just aren't enough for you.  Kick your 'gram to the next level with these advanced techniques.

Try the Diptic app when you want to combine shit together to tell a story.  About bricks.

Blender is a good app for layering and makes you seem mysterious and arty.  BECAUSE YOU ARE, YOU INSTA-STAR.

My favorite thing to do is be all poetic and shit and add the complex arrangement of shapes and lines known as 'words' to my pictures through apps like easyTITLER and Phonto.

Looks like Bill Compton went Hard As a Motherfucker on this trailer.

Preferably by pairing hip hop references with pictures of all the best white trash places my childhood home state has to offer.

LL Cool J ain't got nothin' on the this junkyard.  Ok it was someone's front yard..  Welcome to my world.

My personal favorite is the Soulja Boy/Savior juxtaposition which practically NO ONE ON INSTAGRAM LIKES which makes me like it even more.  Now I'm a misunderstood Insta-artist and there is no greater creative satisfaction than being too cool for social media.  

But you can feel free to rely on 'likes' and supportive comments to feel special by using the basic filtering apps like Picfx, Snapseed, Camera+, Afterglow and my favorite VSCO Cam.

Those apps will make any terrible picture look marginally better.  Feel free to verify my statement through my Instagram page or my tumblr.  It's all the same shit. 

So when it doubt, go for the shot no matter how terrible you might think it is.  It's like Drake told us:

Because a tree might fall on you at any second and we'll only remember you through your Instagram pictures.

Ahoy! Gratuitous blogger beach trip recap ahead!

You can unlock your liquor cabinet because I'm back from my #Saucecation2012, y'all!  I had a super nice week living it up by laying it down in the Florida panhandle.  You better redneckonize!!

Just kidding.  I drove through the redneck areas (my favorite areas) to get to the ridonkulously touristy areas outside of Destin.  It was the most touristy spot I'd ever stayed at while visiting my neighbor state so there were a lot of people with their things and voices and more people things...  I had to wear more pants than normal like a gawddamned fancy person.

But I still kept it real.  There are definitely two types of people in the world: those that shower 48 times a day while at the beach and those that shower every 48 hours.  I am definitely one of the latter variety.  

What I'm saying is that I probably smelled like dirty ocean crotchpit and I wear a lot of head scarves when I'm near the sea.  Not the cool ones you see hipsters wearing but ones that look like bikers dropped them in the floor of a truck stop bathroom and then I found them and thought 'Hey, if I put that on my head it would distract people from my dirty hair!'

If you're wondering why I'm in truck stop bathrooms it's a long-ass motherfuckin drive to the beach, y'all.  I have to stop somewhere to pee and stock up on more Vitamin Water and Combos and head couture.

So the condo that I found was "updated" (circa 1997) but the beach was the front yard (see glorious sunset above) and every day they sat out a few beach chairs and umbrella for me.  This is ESSENTIAL to all of us human vampires that boil in the sun.  I felt super fancy with my umbrella AND pants!

But this "updated" condo didn't have HD tv and how the fuck am I supposed to watch NCIS marathons when it rains without HD??  

Well, I'll tell you what I did!  I went shopping like any normal tourist!  Thank almighty Thor for the world's largest outlet mall within a mile from my "updated" condo.

I destroyed that Banana Republic and Ann Taylor Loft like I'd never even seen one before.  They were skeptical of my do rag but the Ann Taylor Loft lady recognized that I had inadvertently wore a shirt from the regular, non-outlet Ann Taylor store and I was treated like a princess the rest of the day.

I could get used to this glamorous lifestyle.  

But I'm still not showering more.

Once I spent all my money at the Ann Taylor Loft and hit my allottment of deadly sun for the day, I figured I had to spend some time elsewhere.  So I drove down the street to Seaside.  I know people (architects) cream their panties over Seaside because it's fancy-planned by fancy architects and it is relatively fancy. 

And all quaint and shit.

There are Tolix chairs just hanging out alone and sessy in a garden.

They have a lot of food trucks and I like trucks filled with food.

I also accidentally found THE church there designed by Merrill and Pastor Architects tucked away in the corner as I was creepily taking pictures of people's houses.

Don't worry - I was hiding in the public gardens in front of the houses so no one would see me.  I have some class, obviously.

I felt all smart that I actually recognized a building when I stumbled across it.  These hundreds of hours on the internet are actually doing my brain some good!

However, I'm not as sold on Seaside as everyone else is.  Sure, there's the cute little post office:

...and The Truman Show was filmed there but also THE TRUMAN SHOW WAS FILMED THERE.  Have y'all actually seen that movie?  The idea that a town was so perfect as to be representative of the most perfect town ever is so grotesque to me as to taint the entire place.  I almost couldn't even eat my delicious food from the food trucks I was so disgusted.  And you don't see the cute stuff when you drive into town, you see this giant wall of purple fuckery:

 Welcome to Seaside, bitches.  Fancy architects built this shit! 

Maybe I'm cranky because of the overpriced food truck hot dog I just ate...

What I did like about Seaside is there was tons of free parking (next to the purple wall/'80s shopping center of shame) for the free public restrooms and access to the food trucks.  This was important because I used Seaside as a pit stop on the way to the really fancy shit down the road: Rosemary Beach.

No purple walls here, y'all!  Just lots of super sexy cobblestone streets and Spanish house porn.  Coastal Living even built their beach house in Rosemary Beach this year.  I didn't get to visit because they shut down when they heard I was coming to FL (uh... thanks Twitter)  so I wouldn't dirty up their house with my sandy trail of glitternaise all over their nice floors.

Here's the post office in Rosemary Beach.  You just got served, Seaside!!

The fountain in the courtyard of the post office because yeah.

Now granted, I passed a few 13-year-old girls around town whose flip flops probably cost more than my entire vacation and a few landscapers even looked at me like I didn't even belong but maybe it was just the do rag in my hair and pit stains.  I could have cleaned up nicer had I known.  I just spent a lot of money at the Banana Republic outlet for chrissake!

I took this picture and ran.

Farther down the street from Rosemary Beach is Alys Beach and I think angels live there.

Specifically they live here which signals drivers you're entering into beach heaven and put on your good manners.  I didn't get out of the car because I really thought they might escort me from the premises.

Because yeah.

That purple wall at Seaside is starting to feel a lot more like my style now that I think about it...

After I overstayed my welcome in fancy neighborhoods (this happens a lot...) I got to visit a building dedicated to scienze (my favorite -enze!) and designed by a Twitter friend of mine @archy_type.  I love when that happens.

The Wilson Biophilia Center is a facility focusing on teaching the importance of biodiversity, conversation and preservation of nature and shit.  I think.  I'm pretty sure biophilia is a made up scienze.  

But I happen to really like scienze centers because my senior ID treatise was a center for earth and space/discovery museum/what the fuck was I thinking?!  I was very ambitious and ignorant...

See, it wasn't all shopping and laying by the pool!  I got my smart on!

But mostly it was a lot of this:

Thanks for the super secret beach hookup, friend!

And some of this:

 A little bit of hipster beach art because I'm that person now:

Definitely some of this:

The ogling, not the actual boating...

Don't forget the watery emo shit...

And more sunsets than Instagram will allow...

See even more beach fabulosity on my Instagram tumblr.  Yeah, I have one now.

And more pictures of waves than humanity will allow.  

It was a great farewell to my 31st year of sauce and I didn't even get a sunburn!  Well, except for the small bit of underarm fat that I missed during the fourth application of SPF 70 but I think those odds are pretty good.

However I must say the best part of the trip was my adventure to a Whataburger for the first time.  It was completely forgettable except for the part where the twinkie fry guy sashayed out from behind the counter like a vintage cigarette girl with a tray of ketchup and bbq sauces just to tell me that he liked my purse.  Customer for life now!  Take note, Chick-fil-A.  He didn't say he liked my do-rag but maybe he just didn't see the sequined part.

Can't wait to prowl the free bathrooms at Seaside next year looking for an even fancier head scarf!