Merry Christmas from the ModSauce Ranch!

IT HAS BEGUN.  My body has been consumed by the spirit of glitter and excess and I am TRANSFORMED.  And bloated.  Maybe it's the eggnog.

Either way I'm ready to explode with joy and moderately priced gifts bought out of love through Amazon.

Here's what Christmas is looking like at the Ranch this year.

Wreath starting to sag? Turn it clockwise a few hours and you're good to go!

Mr. Slim Wreath got moved to above my couch to rain good tidings and small spiders on my head.  And yes I keep eleventeen blankets on my couch at all times.  This selection inclues one my mom crocheted for me, the plaid is from the 1996 JCP catalog and is totally back in style now and the bottom "fur" one is from the (yes) Dollar General.  I meant to use it as a tree skirt but Charlemagne and I rather liked it...

This is her happy blanket face.  It kinda looks like her bitch face and hungry face and annoyed face and tummy rubs face. 

I've also been on the citrus train this holiday season.  Making pomanders is a great childhood memory for me which I tried to recreate a few years ago only to realize those cloves are torture devices straight from Krampus himself!  BUT I tried to put them into Clementines and sweet citrus savior in he manger it was a dream.  Now my house smells divine and I've retained use of my fingers.  A win/win!

I don't know what's happening on my coffee table... a win/lose?  It's like a plate of old food mixed with shiny things...?  I think it's a collection of leftover ornaments that didn't make it on the tree so I just left them there.  I shoulda studied more Dutch still life references.

Forgot to put candles in the lanterns...

Over on the sideboard I hung up some dried orange slices also studded with cloves.  If I was a punk rocker that's my clothes would be studded with: cloves.  

That combo is my favorite holiday scent, obviously.  I've petitioned for some Pop-tarts and pizza rolls of the same flavors but they haven't returned my harassing phone calls.

Yes, this twig thing stays up all year.  Don't care.

Now these ARE orange slices since I need a bigger round.  Sliced and baked on a rack at 250 for about three hours or so.  I decorated with some cloves but I've seen really cute ones with cranberries and cinnamon sticks tied on - just search Pinterest and tons of options come up.  So easy.  Will make again x 100. 

Tiny Santa and a church death candle.  Remember, dark Christmas.

Also feeling the big Moroccan lantern for this holiday? More next year?

It's a jumbled mess but I'm feeling it.  That skull is working its way through every season around here.  Wait til you see what I do with it for Easter!

Someone should name them!  I have three!

I haven't bought a lot of new decoration items this year but I did find these adorable little porcelain gnomes on Instagram from a great etsy shop called Salt and Ginger. I bought them with the intent to give them as gifts but I don't think I can let them go.  I mean, Chattanooga kinda has a gnome theme and also I'm selfish.

They are about 100 years old and were dug out of the ground outside a German toy factory so they are gnome zombies. 

They go well with my Crate and Barrel village that is terrorized by glittered dinosaurs and foxes.

It's a regular menagerie of weirdness up in here!

I see that calligraphy class is coming in handy.  Just kidding that's wonky as fuck...  I hope my instructor isn't reading this.

Saucy tip: I like yarn because it's soft and I have fantasies of learning to knit one day but it also is cheaper than fancy twine and ribbon for wrapping presents.  

However, I did enjoy making this giant yarn pom as a bow!  Tutorial here.

I strongly recommend NOT buying IKEA wrapping paper.  UGH.

It's yarn MADE of tiny poms that became a giant pom.  It's a pom within a pom.  Inception pom.  

Might I also recommend leather or suede to tie your gifts?  It's like Christmas for a lumbersexual.  I can practically smell the forest in here oh wait I can it's the all the fresh greenery I've used.  

Moms.  They probably don't care how amateur the calligraphy is, thank gawd.

Yes, that's the snake tail from last year that may or may not have stayed out all year...

I'm a little meh with my tree this year but if you squint it looks fine.

Charlemagne doesn't mind.

So I've got a lot more crafting and baking up ahead but here's where we are right now.  And by here I mean watching dystopian movies like Snowpiercer (OMG) and Divergent while I wrap the last of the gifts and try to find something else to put Fireball in.  Again, I strongly recommend you explore the darker side of the season if for no other reason than Snowpiercer is just that good.

So Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Joyous Thursday to you all from all of us at the ModSauce Ranch.

I spend way too much time drawing these for how they look.  But lettering slightly better here? 

Thank you for reading me this year when I've been all grumpy and unfunny and for all your comments and support.  They mean a lot and it just goes to show I have an amazing bunch of readers.  All six of you!

I'm going to be taking the next few weeks off so I'll see all you saucy cats in 2015! 

This year's garden is sponsored by alcohol.

So I was supposed to do a bedroom update but instead of painting my nightstand this weekend I got sidetracked with SPRING!  *twirls around in freshly-mowed grass with a spiked iced chai*

Ahh Spring.  That wondrous time of year when birds come out to sing and assholes come out to drive around my block real slow like to watch me bend over and sweat while I do yardwork.  

Well I'm giving them a good show this year - now with extra grunting! - because I've gotten an early start on the ModSauce Gardens of Eternal Delight!  I'm chopping down giant shrubs, clearing debris and have already been at the nurseries before they even get their good shit in.  I'M DRUNK IN LOVE with playing in the dirt.

Literally drunk.  It's chai season, motherfuckers, so I've been pouring some Godiva white chocolate liquer in there and it's the stuff of dreams.  I get one any time of the day or night for accomplishing something yard-related.  I'm hoping to have a yard so pretty I'll be an alcoholic by the end of the summer!

Or until it's too hot to work.

So far I've planted this little (not so little) guy:

This is the spot of doom and a different plant has died here every year for the last six years.  I have a good feeling about this laurel though but maybe it's just the booze talking.  That little sedum thingy in the front is coming back from last year so I feel like that's a good omen.

I'm trying to clean up the ground mess but it's mostly from the two angry holly bushes I trimmed that are next to it and they like to torture me.

MURDERRRRR!

Like millions of little daggers trying to destroy my hands!  I curse the previous owners who thought planting twelve of these was a good idea.  I have the scratched and bloody forearms of a tweeker right now.  Better get myself TWO spiked chai lattes for comfort.

And here's what's next in line for planting:

Charlemagne loves to make new green friends.

Pro tip: if you think of them all as annuals you'll never be disappointed!  

Considering a lot of these ARE annuals it's like I'm hardly even lying.

I'm feeling more positive than ever about my black thumb so hopefully my shameful flower beds will be worth actually showing you in a few months.

*drunkenly waves to you with muddy/bloody hands*

State of the Union: Much Frozen. Very Not Okay.

Thanks, Snobama.

You know you want dogeweather.

You might have heard that the South got up close and personal with climate change biznasty starting on Tuesday.  The promise of a feather-light dusting of flurries (yay!) very suddenly became a giant fuckbucket of ice and terror (boo!).  

By 11AM Tuesday shit got real and everyone in my office said deuces up and scrambled back into our cars to head home.  A 25 minute commute took me 2.5 hours.  Dozens of cars already littered the ditches and I think I whimpered out loud most of the way.  Also, I had to pee. Being stuck in traffic and having to pee is my worst nightmare.  I began to think of elaborate plots to pee into used coffee cups or plastic Target bags while remaining fully clothed and not pulling over because the interstate lane was literally the safest place to be.     
Fortunately my crazy pee brain was over-dramatizing a tad and I was okay after I found my second wind and a McDonald's.  Not surprisingly it was the only clear driveway within 20 miles because OF COURSE lots of people wanted fries before they died in the freezing cold. 

The calm white river of terror after the storm.

I turned off on a smaller road before I got home to avoid the standstill of cars and also if I wrecked I'd be near my second homes: Taco Bell and liquor stores.  I may have been visibly shaken but I had enough wits about me to develop a strategery.  

After inching through a few giant wrecks, the cars thinned out and I was able to eventually slide home going about 5 mph with my stomach churning.

Less than two inches of snow might seem like no big deal elsewhere but never in my life have I seen such dangerous driving conditions down here.  Blizzard-like wind gusts of snow that immediately turned to ice on the roads makes everything completely impassable to our 2-wheel drive cars.  Our cities aren't meant to handle that kind of thing anyway and we use our salt trucks for storing cold beer in the summer.  We spend our tax dollars on good Southern, Christian things like community pools filled with sweet tea and Confederate flags large enough to blanket an airplane.

I felt victorious as a storm warrior until I realized that it took some people in town four hours to get home.  Praise be to my fairy goddiva Beyonce for her infinite protection and goodwill because then I started to hear stories coming from Atlanta.  It was a post-apocalyptic nightmare down there of 6, 8, 10+ hour commutes.  Thousands of people stranded on the interstate or sleeping in grocery stores, kids stuck on school buses, sweet tea swimming pools frozen over.

Buzzfeed was not exaggerating:

Pretty much what my road home looked like minus a few lanes.  And minus the horse and Ice Walkers.  Check out here and here for much frozen.

I had actually planned to go to IKE-Rah in Atlanta that night because it was the last night of a sale.  Just think, I could have been stranded in an IKEA eating Swedish meatballs and actually living in their 250 sq ft knockout spaces for a few days!  Sounds like the making of a great iPhone documentary called Stranded Lingonberry Sauce.
But instead I'm at home (boo IKE-Rah dream) and set up a makeshift home office which means I lit a bunch of candles, made some hot chocolate and turned on Star Trek in the background.  During work breaks I did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, cooked dinner, made a quilt and wrote a novel.  You work-at-home freelancers are living the dream! 

(If this is not home telecommuting works, DO NOT SPOIL THIS FOR ME!)

Driving through the heart of shitty weather did not make me want to go outside and play when I got home but SOMEbody was intrigued:

"Da fuq is dis shit?"

Look, Charlemagne!  This is the climate your Viking cat ancestors bred you for!  Don't you feel at home?

NOPE.  DO NOT WANT.

She turned tail pretty quick but it's in her genes.  You can't deny your destiny, Charlemagne.  She gets snow crazy though and will go outside for five seconds only to return inside and race up and down the hall for five minutes.  This is exactly what I do to warm up too.

Go!  Fly like the fluffball of arctic wind that you are, cat!

So I'm stuck at home for a bit longer with the taps still running and wearing two pairs of socks.  I get snow blindness every time I look out the window because I'm stupid and it's like looking at the sun when you're seven - it's so exciting but it BURNS SO MUCH.

It's also amazing to see how picky a person normally gets when there aren't terrible weather conditions.  I have a fully stocked pantry, fridge and freezer that I could live on for weeks and yet three days ago I HAD NOTHING TO EAT WAAAAHHHH I'M SO HUNGRY AND POOR.  Well now everything in my kitchen looks fucking delicious.

The bright part of my forced captivity other than the smorgasbord of food is that my amaryllis is in full bloom!

Even this picture will make you snowblind. At least you can't see the dirty window.

It was a Christmas gift that I haven't killed yet.  Leaving the country was probably the best thing that I could have done for it.  I think my mere presence is enough to distress plants.

After all day of being (gratefully) stuck at home, I may be out of toilet paper (oops) and wine (double oops) but I'll be manage.  

I hope all my local people and Southern comrades are doing okay.  If you can make it here I have a crock pot full of pork and a freezer full of appetizers and vodka.

Please bring toilet paper.

Summer under construction

Too bad I already did my style smorgasbord of lesbian goodness last week because I should have scrapped it all and just put this lone picture up there.

I think that says it all, right there.  Just imagine my arms are holding a tray of jello shots and mini bagel bites and I think that's perfectly captured my essence.

These necklaces are made by sister bloggers (like sister wives but maybe weirder because bloggers...?) at Me and Lex and these ladies can work some magic with some jewelry.

They take vintage pieces and new pieces and combine them to make pieces of my soul like this:

*crying*

Obviously they're really good an symmetry too.

found via Because I'm Addicted

It's like everything I look for in life.

So obviously I spent the last week looking for jewelry that I could make into breastplates of sunshine to match my sparkling personality.

Just kidding I played in the rain and dirt like a filthy wildling.

There goes the illusion of me being a glamorous angel of stylish accessories and symmetrical photography magic.  

I'm slowly turning my black thumb of doom into something that might actually sustain life.  This is a big breakthrough, y'all.  It's only taken me 7 years or so.

Thanks to the generosity of some friends, I was gifted many plants this year and I promised to do my best to keep them alive.  But there was an unspoken understanding that we know we're sentencing many of these plants to die a slow death.

Good thing Charlemagne's so self-sufficient.

Can I snuggle and/or eat you?

I supplemented my gift plants with some other plant purchases this weekend but did have them sign a waiver before getting into my cart.  May proper hydration and photosynthesis be with you, little green dudes.

Currently I'm 90% done of killing 20% of the plants and as soon as I'm 100% done I'll give you a yard tour.  It's under construction but I better get on this before the sweltering July death heat reaches us.

Even though I'm more likely to be covered in mud than sparkly jewelry, I AM able to retain a small bit of glam.

Talon Watch 2013 is in full effect.  My nails are also under construction (starting here) and have managed to stay intact through all the digging and hard labor.  Probably due to the adamantium injections.  Just a little bit more and I'll be able to file them into witchy weapons of mass destruction and back scratching.

So to recap:

Fantastic clothes and badass sparkly accessories?  Uh... I found some pretty pictures?

A yard of amazing awesomeness?  Working on it and got the mosquito bites to prove it.

Dramatic manicure because I'm bored and can't afford fantastic clothes and badass sparkly accessories?  Soon, my sweets.

I live in a state of constant progress.  And jewelry lust.

Merry Glittermas!

Christmastime - the month where we celebrate my spirit angel, Beyonce, goddess of the glitter and sass -  is my favoritest time of the year.  I get to replenish my sparkle for the following year and indulge in excess because THAT'S THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.  Also, eggnog.

I had an entire pinboard of holiday fun times and crafts that I wanted to blog about but I was too busy enjoying the season (read: eating).  But I did manage to get in a few crafty thangs that would make Beyonce proud, so here's an image dump of what the MS Ranch looked like this year.

First up, like every hipster holiday craft project you've seen in the past two years,  I wanted to put some glittery animals up in this bitch.  

Specifically these:

My motherfucking clique.  On top of Mount Badescu.  I tried to find a Jezus figure to ride one of them but none of the Jezus figures I found had movable legs.  I wasted an entire night looking at every Spencer's Gifts-related piece of shit website on the interwebz to no avail.  I think that nothing would piss off a craft blogger more than if I stole their idea and then blasphemed it but I was unsuccessful in that regard.  #HeathenFail

So after some spray paint and glitter we have a sparkly clique worthy of being Beyonce's prehistoric backup dancers. 

So now these fuckers are FABULOUUUUSSS.  

 Mr. Triceratops now has the fiercest neck piece in all the land.

I also threw in some snakes to keep with the reptilian theme.  They're diamondbacks.  OF GLITTAH!

And onto the mantel these dudes went. 

It's like a jungle up there.

The second craft project I wanted this year was some garland for my beneath my reptilian jungle mantel of slithering, glittery awesomeness.  I didn't really know what I was doing but I wanted something that looked like a Scandinavian hipster made it while sitting in an igloo and spinning their own fibers.  

Since that's hard to find here in Chattavegas I had to improvise at the craft store with this.

Fingers crossed.  After twisting and knotting and braiding about 25 feet of yarn the likes of which I'll never repeat in my lifetime (although Charlemagne wishes I would based on how much she enjoyed playing in the yarn knots) I ended up with something a blind Scandinavian might have made with fishing line and cat hairballs.  

But it's up there and the dinosaurs seems to be cool with it so fine.

I actually wrapped the yarn garland with mirrored garland but for some reason it only reflects dark things instead of sweet and glittery things.  I must have accidentally stepped in the Christmas aisle FROM HELL last year.

I also wanted to do something special for my tree so it doesn't get left out of all the fun.  

I've had these tiny chair place card holders for so many years I don't remember where, why or how I got them but I figured maybe they could sit some of my fantasy festivus party guests.  Like so:

I don't have an angel for the top of my tree so I put Michael Clarke Duncan (RIP) on top.

And since I couldn't find a Jezus to ride my dinosaur (that sounds like a terribly awesome euphemism for something terribly awesome) I invited a very sessy-looking Carl Sagan to my Chrimas par-tay.

And Bey...

And the Sarcastic Rover. 

Grumpy Cat is also somewhere on the tree.  I figured they both had really good 2012s.

But my favorite - and what I look at every night when I sit on my couch - is the most Christmas-y thing I've ever seen:

Danny Trejo releasing a dove of peace.

Charlemagne doesn't seem to give a shit about my fantasy Christmas party guests.

BTW, leaving my tree up til March.  I'll just keep the curtains closed so no one will think I'm weird.  I'd like to keep my weirdness private.  On the internet.

Most exciting gift-wrapping development this year was the snakeskin paper (in the middle).  Beyonce bless you, TJ Maxx.

By now I'm running out of craft steam and I can't take anymore shitty iPhone pictures but I did manage to hang some things on a branch near some of my Christmas cards..

I started drawing on some clear balls but I had a few too many cocktails and things were looking a little wonky... And too trendy?  I dunno.  My branch probably couldn't have handled any more weight so I'll pretend I stopped here on purpose.

Well, after I did that one at the back...   How bitchin' are the bronze animal ornaments from Crate and Barrel?  They still have some on sale if you are interested.

AnyBeyonce of magic and light, you're probably reading this AFTER the holiday and can't stand to see anything else Christmas-related but I'll be celebrating through March (as previously stated) so it's never to early to say:

Merry Glittermas, saucy readers!  I'll see y'all back here in 2013 or in, like, five minutes on Twitter.