Friday, May 14, 2010

I'm a loser but these kitchens are winners. Warning: *earmuffs*


It looks like the ModernSauce kitchen did NOT win the ugly cabinet contest that I entered last month.  WTF people??!!  Perhaps the chalk outline of the dead body I drew on the floor was a little too much...  Seriously though I think there must have been some nepotism or blowjobs involved that I wasn't aware of because my kitchen is a hellhole.  Had I known there were other ways to win I would have slipped one of these naughty shots of Madame Sunday in her lingerie in with my application:

Sex on fire.
I'll wait for you to change your pants.

Now Home Depot and Ikea are going to have to no holds barred fight to the death in the octagon for who has the cheapest price gets the honor of making my kitchen.  Let's look at a bunch of kitchen porn from my special archive to mourn the loss of what could have been.  Dream kitchen - I feel like we barely knew ye.  But you were always there with a kind word and sexy cooking fantasy to keep me going.  You will be missed.

The Lord is my shephard I shall not want...

Not gonna happen Lord - I have a serious design boner (RIP) for this kitchen. I know there appears to be no handles anywhere in that kitchen but I don't even care because then they won't leave weird marks on my face when I press myself against the cabinets for some mad kitchen hugs.  Also, I want to lick that fridge.  Look at it all slim and shiny.  It totally wants it.

lots of missing sources here.  sorry.

Something, something, green pastures...?

Pretty sure there's a chalkboard wall of disease-causing filth over that range but I'm too far gone in my grief to really care.  Also kinda distracted by the fuckawesome light fixture and cabinets.  Sigh...  I mean *sniffle*

Um...paths of righteousness...

Brandon Barre Desire to Inspire

Living Etc.
I'm like a horse with a carrot when I look at that chandelier.  Mouth open.  Drool.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
Black cabinets = melt.  Also = shadowy.  Because I'm good with putting things together that have absolutely no business being together whatsoever.  It's a special talent.  Just like my talent for LOSING!!! 

I will fear no evil
because you are totally with me
Angie Hranowsky in Coastal Living
I. A. DORE this kitchen.  Who do I have to send sexy pictures to in order to get that tile?  WHO??? 


Something about a rod and a staff...  yeeessss...
That is the sluttiest kitchen I've ever seen.  No real food preparation goes on in there.  I bet it just smells like sex and take out.  Fine by me. 

You prepare a table before me
Cuz my enemies are here...?
Design Babylon
I'm not sure exactly what enemies you're referring to unless you mean the JUDGING PANEL OF THE UGLY KITCHEN CONTEST in which case yes I do now have mortal enemies.  We're about to have our own octagon match, fuckers.  Also I hate assholes so they're probably my enemies too.  But I don't really want to invite any of them to my party so let's come up with a different plan that still involves everything about this kitchen, k?

My cup overflows...
Good thing you got a lot of cabinets.  Delicious delicious cabinets for storing overflowing amounts of fabulosity.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life

Well I think mercury is still in retrograde right now so there ain't a lot of goodness following me here.  I mean I LOST the contest and I guess you didn't read my last post where I fucked up some doors huh?  We're talking serious fail here Gawd.  But I would happily take some of those bottom drawers with glass because that is the most awesomenest thing I've ever seen.

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
 Apartment Therapy
LORD if your house looks anything like my house I think I'll pass if that's okay with you.  But if your house - specifically the kitchen - looks anything like this then we're in business.  Are you pickin up what I'm puttin down here?

Do I need to send you a sexy picture?


  1. Don't forget to write your name on the bottom of the casserole dish you bring to my house.

  2. I LOVE the picture with the exposed, painted steel bar joists, the sealed concrete floor, the purple stool and the WHITE cabinets!

    And I love equally as much the picture credited to Sunset with the tree out back, the apples on the counter and the white cabinets over dark lower cabinets.

    I think I want to paint our kitchen white! Love it.

  3. Ditto. I'm going with white too but have wet dreams about dark bottoms and white uppers. Normal right? Think I can do that in the Brainert?

  4. "Now Home Depot and Ikea are going to have to no holds barred fight to the death in the octagon for who has the cheapest price gets the honor of making my kitchen. "

    -Talk about your bad dream... You know too many kitchen pros. Depot and IKEA aren't who needs to be in the octagon.


    I'll volunteer to fight Paul. I think I'm bigger than he is. Ha!

  5. I would drop some serious bank to see you and Paul in the octagon! Even if you might be bigger I bet Paul is scrappy - I think he grew up on a farm fighting chickens...

    But alas the problem is money. I'm too financially challenged for you pros! How could you guys do it from so far away anyway?! You'll just have to taunt me and make fun of my remodel in comments or on Twitter. : (

  6. Now just a goddamn minute. Any of us are more than capable of putting a kitchen together for you long distance. I do it regularly and I know I'm not the only one who works remotely. So take that off your list of excuses please.

    Furthermore, you bet I'd be a scrappy fighter in the octagon. I not only grew up fighting rapid Rhode Island Reds, I grew up fighting five brothers too. Boo-yah!

  7. um I'm SURE you can DESIGN it from a long distance but where the hell do these cabinets come from?! who installs them? also budget is ridonkulously small - if you (or the winner of the octagon match) can get me a kitchen for UNDER $15K then we might be in business. And by 15 I mean 12 of course. ; )

    FIVE brothers? daaaaamn. Are you the baby of the family?

  8. Any of us can drop ship anywhere. So far as labor goes, you'll do that yourself, right? Hah! All you need is a handy man and you're set.

    And any designer who would turn you down over a $15K budget isn't worth the paper his or her license is printed on. Seriously, don't think you can only go to a big box. Most designers carry lines of cabinetry that will let them hit just about any budget. Everybody brags about their expensive stuff, but all of us have value lines too.

    I am the fifth of seven kids, and I have two younger brothers. So I was spared the horror of being the baby. Oh, and speaking of my family. I received this note from my Dad the other day:

    Dear Paul,

    May I suggest that you clean up the language you use on your blog? It is unnecessary and unbecoming of a professional. In addition, it evokes similar language ( and users of such) to respond in kind.



    I'm quoting it in its entirety there. First, I write the way he does and I never remember that until I get a note such as that one. Second, I blame you. Hah!

  9. That's hilarious!!!! It's sad b/c sometimes I do actually tone it down - but I don't know when your language has been that bad lately... But maybe he read yours - uh oh and mine - comments about the octopus chandelier. let's hope he doesn't really know about anal beads... eww. dad vom.

    Don't tease me with your kitchen talk!!!! of course I would LOVE DIE MELT for you to do my kitchen!! But you might shit your pants if you see some details - ever designed a pentagon kitchen before?! i do have a really good handyman... mmmhhh... I might have kitchen wet dreams tonight... sorry Paul's dad.

  10. Oh don't sweat it. I think what he saw was me writing "fuck" in the comments after one of my oil spill posts. My Dad's a consummate letter-writer and now that he's an old man it's how he passes his time.

    If you're willing to take a number, send me a measured floor plan and some photos of the space and I'll take a crack at it.

  11. So that's where you get your writing bug from! You're gonna be the exact same way but you'll just do your letter-writing in blog post form. Hell you do it now!

    I'm in no special hurry - lemme get stuff together for you. Poor Nick - he started this convo and look where it's gone! haha!