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Vamptastic, Prosticute and full of Fabulosity.
In honor of the True Blood season finale last night and because I need to get a life I'm hilariously fun and inspired by really dumb shit I fake decorated some rooms. I'm not really sure why this fake edecorating phenomenon hasn't caught on because the pay is rindonkulously good and there's no budget or bitchy clients telling you what to do. Also you get to waste a lot of time at your real job doing it so it's a win on all fronts. First up:
Nothing says vamp chic like a decaying old antebellum house filled with fine Southern furniture. First, to hide your nocturnal activities you’ll need a comfortable settee in a dark stain-minimizing color and blackout curtains. A delicate slipcovered chair and feminine pillow say to your lady friend that you care deeply about her sensibilities right before you feed on her and deflower her on the rug in front of the fireplace underneath the picture of your dead wife from the 19th century. It’s sweet really. First though you should put her at ease by playing a friendly game of Wii Gold and drinking some Tru Blood which is the vamp equivalent of poppin one off before a date. Try to hide the stack of files from where you are researching her family history though. Nothing kills the mood faster than learning your fairy ‘gina is the object of an investigation. That or cracking your head on that fabulous reclaimed wood coffee table.
However gentlemanly the previous room is, I much prefer a more relaxed environment like this one that positively screams 'sex on a stick.' Straight up trampy, tacky and prosticute this hooker knows how to throw together a room like any true drug-dealing, gay whore son-of-a-psycho-witch that can cook up a mean hamburger with AIDS. Mmmhhh tangy. The room is an eclectic mix of voodoo dolls, found vintage furniture, religious shrines, shirtless werewolves and your laptap/webcam for another kind of nocturnal activity. And nothing says Modern Whorish Revival like the always classy Fiorentino floor lamp. You may have found that couch on the side of the road on the way back from your trick's house but you know where to spend the real money. Including the Room & Board dresser because that's just a good quality piece of furniture. You didn't get that fancy car you drive by being a dummy when it comes to purchases.
I was going to design a wicked sex dungeon too but it pretty much just consisted of a dark basement, lots of chains, a stripper pole and a throne fit for a Viking warrior. Also, I bet all you freaks have already "decorated" one in anyway.
For K! And special thanks to @Paul_Anater and @SaxonHenry for their overwhelming knowledge of Whorish Revival.
Love, love, love this romp through prosticute decor-o-rama. Proves that a great spin makes the head spin. Have you ever considered stand-up comedy? I've decided I want to be a part-time DJ: combo sassy act?
ReplyDeleteThanks - it IS all about the story since I don't actually have any design skills. On the other hand Saxon Sauce sounds like a pretty badass name for my soon-to-be other career in the entertainment industry. But NO - the thought of stand-up makes me want to pee and vomit all over myself. *shudders*
ReplyDeleteTruly great post; made my Monday bearable! I hear ya; that's why I could only do public appearances hiding under a gigantic set of earphones, wearing geeky clothes (which I think would include combat boots of some sort) and rocking over a computer keyboard into the wee hours of the night. Audience? What audience? Love Saxon Sauce; take it and run with it; only you could!
ReplyDeleteI will. I will run with it over the plains of the internet and beyond while also wearing my geeky clothes. I heart DJs because even though I dance about as well as I decorate I like to do it with abandon. Well, after a few cocktails... ; )
ReplyDeleteI so looked forward to this all weekend! The finale was filled with mixed blessings, this post is straight-up sex on a stick. I would have liked to see that Viking throne, though.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't decide if the Viking throne should be crushed velvet in the style of Fangtasia or more of a salon chair where Eric gets his roots done... thoughts? Maybe some place to display his crown too...?? Decisions, decisions... But glad you enjoyed! I had way more fun than I should have doing this.
ReplyDeletePriceless. How do we go about initiation a real life Whorish Revival?
ReplyDeleteThank you thank you thank you for.....shirtless Alcide. He was barely in the finale last night, and he was fully clothed the whole time, and this made me sad. Did you notice that Sookie had a vision at one point that made it look like she was about to be sucked into a giant crystal chandelier? Those fairies, man, they've got fabulosity written all over them! Now what do we do until next summer? Old Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns just don't do it for me anymore. *sigh*
ReplyDeletePaul - first we need to get this room on Apartment Therapy and then the design Gods take over from there.
ReplyDeleteTammy - I'm just going to start including a picture of shirtless Alcide in everything I do: grocery lists, Christmas gifts, fake edecortating. It makes everything better. Until next summer I'm going to try and replace True Blood with Dexter - less Southern-fried fabulosity but more blood so that's pretty cool.
Wow, I see a velvet throne that reclines so his dye (and any blood) can run down the drain in the middle of the floor as necessary.
ReplyDeleteDon't forget that Catherine wheel type thing. And some handcuffs. And maybe some pleather. And a velour track suit to change into.
Ahhh... so smart. I think it might even be more fun to create a paper-doll of Eric so you can dress (or undress) him up in the track suit of your choice before you send him to the dungeon.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I am going to do a stand-up comedy gig (I do not spew sick on myself in public like you do) and positively rip on you because you mentioned wicked sex dungeons yet left my name completely out of the sentence! How is that possible? What beverages did you consume that prevented you from recognizing my strong relationship with that type of decorating? I feel so hurt. Just for that, I'm returning the velvet wall-hanging of a matador that I was going to send for your birthday!
ReplyDeleteNoooo not the matador!! I was actually just trying to preserve your sterling reputation but since you WANT to be associated with wicked sex dungeons I'm sure I could refer you to some other blogs. ; ) Oh - you probably already leave witty comments over there too.
ReplyDeleteDear Your Royal Sauceliness: I am pretty sure that if you had offered the Prosticute room to the contractor he would have called you back. Do you not see the logic given that the room is entitled "ring ring" and we ain't talking the one around his manly, no-call collar!
ReplyDeleteWow. I thought Alexandra was the nasty one. Well played Kymberly. Sadly I think you're right though... nothing sexy or dangerous about a kitchen. sigh...
ReplyDelete(wait - you are talking about what I think you're talking about right?!)
Whoa!! I am totally lost and can't even find any moss growing on the north side of any of these fancy furnishments to get my bearings. Seems country boys (or girls or whatever you call them down there) don't belong in these sorts of houses. Sex on a stick means something different where I come from.
ReplyDeleteProsticute (I had to look it up in my Visitor's Guide to the Other Places) is a weird concept, from what I can figure. The closest thing I've ever seen is a someone in a dark bar with one of those Catholic school skirts and a fresh shave. I think... it was really dark or maybe just really late.
Do all of your comment writers live in the same town as you? I might want to take a trip down there sometime after haying and see one these places for myself. Leave the lights on.
I don't live in Chattavegas any more but it's where I grew up and I'm glad Madame is in those hills holding down the fort with her sauciness: much needed in that neck of the woods.
ReplyDeleteRich - I MUST know what sex on a stick means where you come from!! Probably more maple-syrupy... Although I hate to inform you that we are just as country if not more than anything you have up there in that blue state of yours so best to leave the lights off. Unless we break open our specially-distilled Southern peach juice then we'll all be drunk and no one will care about geography.
ReplyDeleteSaxon - I do my best to create my own little pocket here in the TN valley! A sauce pocket...?? ; )
You're doing a bang-up job, Madame, and I salute you from the bottom of my little country-girl heart!
ReplyDeletelove love love it!
ReplyDeleteMuch sauce to you both, Saxon and Heather!
ReplyDeleteOK, now I see the tiger. Brava!
ReplyDeleteThe Whorish Revival is in progress! Did you see that Behr Paint's 2011 Color Trends includes Boudoir Goth? Are you and Paul and Saxon consulting for them?
ReplyDeletehttp://bit.ly/93G84a
Oh gawd - If we were going to do Boudoir Goth it would be a lot more Whorey crackden and a lot less suburban soccer mom with a webcam and a JCP credit card. "Dark" is trending up for sure so we should probably start copyrighting this shit now...
ReplyDeleteThanks for the heads up!!