Monday, December 20, 2010

Madame Sunday's Holiday Tips

Christmas is my favorite time of the year so naturally it brings out my best qualities and I have lots of smart things to say about it to help you out.  You might want to print these out.

1. Don't procrastinate.  I always put off buying the Best Buy gift cards and Bath and Body Works lotion sets until the very end because it's my least favorite thing to buy.  Now I'm stuck wanting to ram someone with my car to get a bland gift because it's what they want.  No really, they asked for this stuff and I aim to please.  But don't be like me.  Shop early before you want to murder someone.  Our court system is already clogged.

2. Who am I kidding, we always procrastinate.  You're probably busy with parties and lists and shoveling food in your mouth until you develop an eating disorder so you might need a little help around the holidays - especially if you're a single Madame who has the flu right now and owns a ranch where an ugly bomb of boxes and Christmas presents and laundry exploded in it.  I would recommend getting a house elf.  Not this one (but how fun!)
SAAAANNNTTAAAA!  I know him! I know him!

this one:

Good luck with that because those are pretty hard to come by in the muggle world no matter how much fabulosity you have.  You could also put an ad out in Craigslist but "Madame seeking house boy" does NOT get you the responses that you are wanting.  Work would get done but I'm required to wear tall pleather boots all day and yell things at him like "you're the son of a motherless goat!!" while beating him and I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THAT as stated in the first sentence.  That's MORE work for me.  Also pleather sounds sweaty and my feet would hurt after awhile.  Frankly, if you have a tip for me in this area that would be great.

3. I have a wrapping paper addiction and if you're like me you have about a billion dozen more rolls of paper than you will ever use and never have the correct matching ribbon.  Dr. Drew needs to have a show about people like me.  So I put myself on restriction and forcing myself to use what I have because I care about the environment.  I cut a small square of each paper and put it in my wallet so I can properly match a ribbon anytime I go out to a store.  Which is a lot.  But it works and I've saved money and time.  You're welcome.

dress, design, decor.  Nice but needs bigger bows!

4. Oh and quit decorating with these: 

They look like very dangerous butt plugs that they use in the North Pole but I'm pretty sure Mrs. Claus doesn't do anal.  

5. Fucking REGIFT! People think it's tacky but I say it's efficient and IS a good gift because it means you saved money buying a gift for someone else.  And if you want to cut down on consumption for Christmas don't donate something and then buy another mediocre gift.  I know you know someone who wants that crystal picture frame and bottle of Plumeria lotion that I waited in line on Christmas eve to buy.  Just kidding my gifts are always perfect so no one ever has to regift mine I'm sure.  If you do just lie to me.  That's the best gift you can give me: a false sense of satisfaction.

6. Ace Hardware is the absolute best place of Christmas decorations. I swear. 
Red vest love.  You know you want it. 
They didn't pay me to say that but I wish they would.  Forget Pottery Barn or your hot tub store that turns into a seasonal decor store or any place else. Their shit is the awesomenest.  I’m talking gorgeous hand-painted glass ornaments, relevant tree trends if that's your thang, a smorgasbord to fill all of your glitter needs, crafting supplies, whatever your little heart could desire. Normally I start stalking their department before Christmas like a lion stalking a gazelle and when the price is right I pounce like a cheetah. Wait… I’m mixing my felines. But lemme tell ya it’s like the animal kingdom on December 26th there – every woman with a glitter fetish within a 10 mile radius comes in.  I’ve seen women come to blood over the last peacock feather. (That bitch had it coming...) We leave with buggies full. Buggies I tell you. 

7. I'd like to make a Public Service Announcement to all gay couples living together: get shorter names.  Writing TWO names on your Christmas card envelope seems like no big deal but if all your friends are gay couples this can take quite awhile.  I need to start addressing envelopes in July. Or I'm just going to pick the one who's nicest to me and address it to him.  Start sucking up now guys.
Not gay dudes just Flight of the Conchords from here.  I just wanted to post this picture really bad.

8. When I was younger we used to make orange and clove pomanders to hang around the house like these:
Gawd I love that scent.  I tried to make some a few years ago but I stopped after about 4 cloves because those little fuckers are like daggers cutting into my delicate skin and bleeding really ruins my Christmas spirit.  So 20 lbs of clementines and $40 of cloves later I was left with hurty fingers and a house that did NOT smell like the intoxicating citrus musk of a Christmas angel.  Apparently I was invincible as a child because I don't remember that pain at all.  Or I made my parents do it... Seriously, I would suggest getting some kevlar gloves and making these for your holidays because destroyed fingertips aside they are awesome and make Santa jizz his pants.  Or you could buy a candle.

9. If you're not going to make pomanders because you're a lazy bastard you should at least decorate for real. None of this:
You need to get a big green tree and glitter the fuck out of it.

10. As a matter of fact, glitter is the reason for the season.  Spending all this extra time with family around the holiday forces you to remember all the reasons you avoid them the rest of the year.  You know what helps?  SPARKLY THINGS!!!  Squueee!!!  Christmas is everything I live for - tacky displays of shiny things used to mask disappointment.  Need more hugs from mommy?  Throw some more fucking tinsel on that tree!  Didn't get that job?  Make a wreath with some plastic flowers!  Deadbeat dad?  Rub some glitter in that wound!  OMIGOD IT HURTS BUT IT'S SO PRETTY!!!  You're supposed to go over-the-top for Christmas to offset the crushing lows in your life.  Hoarders has taught me things = enthusiasm.  Make it good and tacky.
Somebody's hurting on the inside.  Let's be friends!

Pretty sure I know this lady.

11. In related decor-meets-psychoanalysis information, wrap your gifts nicely because I totally judge you on it.  Don't fuck it up.  If you can't be bothered to NOT put my gift in a plastic grocery bag there's probably not the thing I most want in the world in there.  Oh you didn't have time?  Thanks asshole.  My favorite thing to do is present perfectly coordinated bundles of paper and ribbon.  If we're being honest, wrapping usually reflects more about the wrapper than who's receiving what's wrapped.  I like to use glorious wrapping to make you feel shame in your lazy wrapping - the bigger the bow the more I'm passive-aggressively letting you know that I dislike you.  Unless I really do like you and you get a big bow so I can show you my love.  Or because you're the type of shallow person who judges me based on the size of the bow on your gift and then I'm going to give you the biggest best bow this wire-edged ribbon will create.  Really everybody gets big bows and fancy wrapping you just have to decide what message I'm trying to convey with it.  

12. Have fun.  Or drink til you do.  This kind of fabulosity only happens once a year.  Pardon me this week while I frolic in fake crafts and completely real glittertastic cheer.  It smells like musky Christmas angels.  Yum.


  1. A righteous piece of Holiday fabulosity! Nice job and I really do hope you feel better soon.

  2. John - thank you kindly! I DO feel better. I think just typing 'fuck' a lot brings forth my immune system.

    Babe - *curtsy* That is all.

  3. Brilliant! On so many levels. Not to mention Dedicated.

  4. Slade - 'dedicated' as in 'dedicated to crazy'...? Ok I'll take that too. Thanks. ; )

  5. I share your thing for wrapping paper and my wrap jobs are always passive-aggressive swipes at people too lazy to do a good job too. Hell, that's why I bake for crying out loud. Well, not the only reason, but it is a bonus. How's that for some candor?

  6. Paul - I adore candor as you know. I just like to see a little effort around the holidays. It's not like I'm asking for a kidney just make a gawddammed pretty bow to show you love me is that too much to ask???!!! *sob, sob, sob* And yes I do feel vastly inferior to you because of your baking skills so well done sir!

  7. I haven't started wrapping this year but my wrapping papers are a red and a black jacquard and get this, they're flocked. The stuff feels like bedding I swear. Everyone I hand a present this year gets the added gift of feeling inferior. I love Christmas.

    Why am I admitting all of this?

  8. THE Madamiest post in a long time. Apparently, feverish hallucinations bring out the best in you. And it's educational. I didn't know that Mrs. Clause is a prude or that Santa has a fruit fetish. All good to know. Merry Christmas!

  9. Paul - it's okay. This is a safe place to let it all out. Your paper sounds gorgeous and I want to fondle it in the MOST inappropriate ways!

    David - I feel like it's my duty to share my wisdom about magical made up lands and the sexual non-fetishes of the people that reside within them with the people around me. Merry Christmas to you too!

  10. Agree completely on wrapping and shaming others, but I'm not willing to use priceless antique flocked wallpaper like Paul did.

    I'm all about corners and tape. Corners should be perfectly creased or I'm not happy. And I hate tape so best to figure out a way to hide it.

    Great post!

  11. Nick: The secret is double-sided gift wrapping tape from Scotch. It can't be Christmas without the right tape.

  12. Nick - I'm a corner slut too. Wait - that didn't come out right...

    Paul - Gawd I can't wait to start wrapping gifts! I like to make a big day of it! Wine, snacks, movies and all my craft supplies spread all over the floor. Heaven.

  13. Wow - lots of wrapping enthusiasts. So how does everyone feel about gift bags??? :)

  14. Merry Xmas to u Madame (see my laziness there)wrapping presents causes me stress and no amount of drinking cures this. Big smiles. And a SpongeBob style boat of cheer.

  15. David - It's really hard to show my love/hate for someone with a gift bag and since the purpose of a gift is to reflect on ME, the giver, then gift bags are counterproductive. Unless you're a straight man and then it's okay. Or what Paul said.

    jb - thanks! Merry Xmas to you!

  16. I typically think of myself as more of a Philistine but I guess infidel is OK.

    Today I learned how to say a very useful phrase: Pouvez-vous me faire le emballage-cadeau? (Can you gift wrap it for me? - or something close to that.)

  17. It was agonizing having to be on the road today to not be able to read all the #letsblogoff posts until tonight, but I have to admit, I was especially looking forward to yours... and not just because you have the uncanny ability to make me laugh on twitter almost daily. So, tragedy would be an understatement when I saw you didn't participate, but alas, I got to reread this post for the 2nd time and loved it even more. I want to comment on one thing specifically, but I'm pretty sure I could write an entire 1,000 word blog response to this, so I better not try to choose which item. Great post. Cheers and Merry Christmas.PS, Blog response may follow while I'm overcoming my Christmas goodies/treats sugar induced coma.

  18. Jamey - apparently these blog off things happen like every two weeks?! Who knew! I try to catch one when I can but the flu and the fact that I didn't have a house elf drastically cut down on my blogging fun time. Your praise makes me warm and mushy on the inside - sorry to have disappointed you though. Please let me know if you blog a response! Would love to know what that ONE thing is. hhhhmmmmm....??? Merry Christmas!

  19. I adore Ace Hardware. I think I could spend days in there, wait I do when one lives on the main block. My favorite thing about Ace is that its a Co-op! Whole bunch of independent mom and pop hardware stores just makes me all glitters and gumdrops.

  20. Shannon - glitter and gumdrops indeed! Ace is the helpful hardware place AND it satisfies all my ideological liberal wants. Done.

  21. I agree, wrapping details matter!

    Once I wrapped a present in a sheet of paper that I ran through a photocopier with the lid open (I liked the soft graphite-y look of it). Then I bound the crisply folded (creased with a burnishing tool) wrapping with a strip of black photographers tape on a 2/3 module (for an asymmetrically symmetrical graphic device).

    Hopefully they appreciated it! I spent a lot of time thinking about materials and detailing the wrapping for that f'in present.

    It wasn't glittery, but it was cool!

    Anyway, happy holiday's MS...

  22. Hello your holiday Sauce-li-ness. Kymberly here. Your post really put me in the mood. Not saying which mood since Santa is still checking his list and checking it twice trying to see who's naughty and witty and glamortastic - which I am of course. And after that post, you are too! Actually I think you need to go back to the heavenly tree house that was built to code (like the Code of Hammurabi or something as ancient) and decorate the living doo doo out of that. Tell everyone the lawd sent you to do glitter work. You are the most glittertastic blogger out there. Except my sister. She made me say that. Plus I want the present she is probably getting me right now. I'll wrap it myself to avoid the therapy.

  23. Izzy - I think your OCD is showing... ; ) The wrapping on that gift sounds awesome! Thoughtfulness always outshines sparkle. Always. The fun of Christmas is showing people how much you care - glittery things are just the shiny icy on the cake. Have a great holiday season yourself!

    Kymberly - That is such a genius idea - decorating that treehouse for Christmas. Hell it should just stay decorated all damn year!! Thank you for your glamortastic words. I feel especially naughty which Santa actually prefers because Mrs. Claus is such a prude. Always a treat when you stop by the Sauce - have a great holiday!