Thursday, December 9, 2010

It's all fun and mood boards now! The tears will come later...

Jesus finally made it rain all over the ModernSauce Ranch (literally and figuratively) because after an almost 6 month long search I actually have 3 legitimate bids from legitimate contractors for the hellhole kitchen remodel!  I cry tears of glitter.  I'll be going over the whole process in agonizing detail with you later but right now I'm compiling each bid into a master spreadsheet so I can compare apples to apples.  I didn't think to create a template BEFORE and hand it to each one requiring them to fill out each applicable section but I'll do that in the future because that is the most genius idea ever and I know they would have absolutely zero problem with that.  Based on the bids I've received on post-it notes, word docs and random "formula" sheets these fuckers need all the help they can get.  I can't wait to see their faces when I hand them this template when it comes time to do the bathrooms...  Guys like that LURVE having girls like me tell them how to do their jobs better!

So while I'm crunching numbers and selling my last bit of plasma to make this remodel happen I thought I'd share a mood board of what's rolling around in my head.  Also because you have to be dead on the inside to not love a mood board.  Feel free to comment and ridicule as you please but I might completely ignore your expert opinion OR steal your idea and not give you any credit.  It just depends on your idea.  This mood board also goes out to all the asshats who, upon learning of my kitchen remodel, immediately respond with "oh what color are you painting it?"  Trick please.  I could give a fuck right now what color my walls are.  I'm more concerned with whether or not I'm going to have a new ceiling and calculating CFM value for my range hood based on a complicated algorithm of whooshing noises, counting on my fingers and a case of wine.  You know, important things.

So here you go.

ModernSauce Kitchen

This is the world's most boring mood board for the world's most awesomenest kitchen.  I wish you could add sparkle and shine and an aura of fabulosity but sadly technology is way behind in this area.  GET ON IT OLIOBOARD!!!!

So I think we've already established that I want white cabinets with a few glass doors.  Done.  I also want a black floor.  SHUT UP!!!  I know what you're thinking: "Madame you hate chores including but not limited to cleaning floors and Charlemagne shed her glitter pelt at least twice a month."  Well you're right but I don't care because if I know anything it's that buying new things will completely change your personality for the better so I know I'm totally going to turn into that Pine Sol lady after the renovation .  And I already bought the tile about two years ago...  And we can't forget about the Venuto!!  Now he's just languishing in a closet.  Waiting...  Soon, my precious.  He needs something shiny to hang out with so maybe some globe pendants with chrome accents.  And I don't know what kind of countertop I'm going with but that tile and stone sample in the corner probably ain't gonna be it no matter how much I dry hump my computer screen.  Quartz is a cold and heartless temptress that costs bajillions of dollars.  

I forgot to add all the crap that'll be living on my counters like toaster ovens and boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and half empty bottles of wine, etc...  I'm just kidding.  Those bottles are all empty of course.

And for all you people that are just dying to know what color I'm going to paint my walls the best I can give you right now is beigey.  Deal with it.

Thanks to K for the Olioboard tip! 


  1. Concrete! Concrete! Concrete! (for the counters) - you can put lots of fabulous things in concrete and it comes in any color! (so you can choose to match it with the beloved Venuto or your "beigey" walls)

    Just had to get a plug in for Concrete Detail :)

  2. Honestly I would love to do concrete because of the numerous angles in my space but I can't because concrete is the MOST EXPENSIVE COUNTERTOP MATERIAL AVAILABLE!! Somebody needs to tell these concrete counter guys what's what. ; )

  3. Are you calling me an asshat? One little question about paint color, and then there I am, excoriated on the internet. Gah.

  4. I don't even remember you asking me that question. Hopefully it was AFTER you say the mood board. If not then yes. Yes you are an (adorable) asshat.

  5. I feel dead on the inside.
    And you should paint it honeysuckle. Isn't that the "new" color?
    What does plasma sell for nowadays? I need to pay my property taxes.

  6. WHA...?? You don't love a mood board? Probably because you're too fit. I only stay fit enough so they'll take my plasma but inbetween donations well... I would highly recommend plasma donations. Its how I bought my 50" plasma tv last year! Get it?! Plasma for plasma! ahahahahahahahhahahaa! I didn't really do that...

  7. Chamois, of course, has the most inpeccable taste in countertop surfaces (and I didn't even have to pay her off for the concrete plug)(I have other angles...) It really is the only logical choice for anyone with a smidgin of individuality and self-respect left in their designing souls. Otherwise, it's just a mood-bored. La-di-da, let's just pick something off the shelf and call it "my look", along with the thousands of other Saturday afternoon consumers. And don't forget your frequent buyer card, people! This inventory will all be reduced next month when the latest trend is announced.

    Shoot, I can even make concrete the color of bacon! With glitter!! Who can resist the allure of sparkling pork? Huh? Huh?

    Perhaps a deal can be struck involving a cornbread and BBQ discount. Don't even bring up the gummi bears or I'll be giving this schwag away. I'm only human (or am I dancer?).

  8. Yeah, it was while you were showing us the mood board. I didn't see a wall color, so I asked. I'll be sure to add paint-color-questions to the list of things to never ask a woman.

  9. Rich - I sold my individuality a long time ago when I started working for corporate America. I hardly miss it anymore! I WOULD like to express my creatively streaked fatty pork obsession on my counters because that sounds delicious AND purty... Will that be on next month's inventory reduction sale? It IS salt cured so it should last awhile. Glitter lasts forever of course.

    Zrzuce - leave it up to a Leo to think my comment was actually about them!! *eyeroll*

  10. Well, for the record, that song is TOTALLY about me!