Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Modern stairs are from the debil!

Check out this supremely sexy place I want to live in/dry hump with its giant wall of windows and the even gianter dark wall of goodness and all that contrasting woodness and ruh ro I see a problem...
Quezada Architecture via Houzz
Call me a loser but I'm very particular about modern stairs.  Despite sublime feats of sexy engineering I cannot handle floating treads.  I'm a clumsy bitch (I broke my arm on a flat surface.  In BALLET class.)  so just seeing those gravity-defying planks makes me break out into hives.  I will, without a doubt, miscalculate the projection of my foot onto a tread and put said foot too far in and slip, pushing my extremity through the abyss of the stairs a twist my leg into grotesque formations of unending pain. 

Or because I'm scared of the mangled split I might get myself into, I will avoid the abyss by stepping only on the front three inches of the tread and I'll most definitely fall UP the stairs.  Or down.  Or sideways.  I'm just fucked all around.  

I could avoid these totally sane issues if there was a handrail I could desperately cling to for my life and inch my way along like I do when I'm at a skating rink.  STOP LAUGHING AT ME, Olympic-level 8 year olds!!!!  But guess what?  Modern houses are too fancy for handrails because it fucks up their "lines" or whatever.  Well la-di-fuckin-da, people with good taste.  I think safety is important because I care about PEOPLE more than buildings, assholes.

And by people I mean me.  And by me I mean my 6 inch platform heels because I sure as shit ain't giving those up and I can barely walk period in those let alone navigate height differentials.  

We all have to make sacrifices.  Because otherwise, this is my life:
Exactly how I dress at home, btw.

And no you can't borrow my boa.  


  1. Well, I'm not wearing heels at home but I am the head maid... I don't want to have to try and clean under those things. You'd have to come fall under my stairs and I'd pass you a broom and dustpan.

    I'm with you. Cool looking, but far from what I'd want at my house.

  2. I think I hafta agree with you on this one, Madame Sunday. And I don't even wear 6" platform shoes. (Nope, none of mine is over 4".)

  3. Nick - If I'm already stuck under there I might as well get some cleaning done. Multitask. I'll leave the floating stairs to the robots that normally inhabit these houses.

    Dr. Bailes - Well, you're already tall so 6 inches would be indecent!

  4. I just stumbled onto your blog and so thrilled I did! Seriously amazing work! For shizle becoming a new follower, be back soon!

  5. Welcome to the Sauce, Amanda! I find it weird that someone calls it "work" but I will not stop you! Please come back - I don't always bitch about stairs. I bitch about other things too!

  6. I have found a blog written by an architecture geek?

  7. I feel like this is a spam comment but it's so good that I don't care!

    Yes, you could say 'architecture geek' but 'interiors dork' might be more appropriate b/c I'm not an architect. I know - it's hard to tell from all my technical jargon up there but it's true.

    1. In reply no it wasn't a spam comment. And 'interiors dork' works great for me as well. It was a good read if a little..dorky?!?!?

    2. I stand corrected, spiral staircase lover! Welcome to the Sauce! Thank you for reading and enjoying my dorkiness. ; )