I really need some Emily Henderson up in this place...

After Friday's reveal of the glorious new living room paint color at the Ranch I thought we should talk about something really really serious. 

Like my front door's landing strip. 

Doesn't everyone like to be a voyeur and discuss in agonizing detail the junk someone accessorizes their house with?!  Not me, of course.  I read design blogs for the articles. *wink, wink*

So let's break it down Saucy style!

Enlarge for XTREME DETAILZ!

1. Metal table from Wayfair. Currently $259 although I can't remember if I paid that four years ago...  Wayfair was previously CSN - a change I just discovered.  I tweeted something snarky about their relationship status and they actually responded in equal snark. Gawd bless 'em.  They win at social media and therefore my heart. West Elm just doesn't get my tweets.

2. Coral. $3.  I'll admit it.  I have a collection of sea paraphernalia.  I did this long before Z Gallerie, Pottery Barn, et al. murdered this idea so therefore I can still display these things because I'm the real OG of accessories.  Suck it.  This piece came from an estate sale of a woman whose hobby was creating shell crafts which is most likely what I'll be doing when I die.

As I waited in line outside this woman's house I overheard people whisper that the former owner - gawd rest her soul - was "eccentric" *ears perked up* and that she spent years crafting silly animals out of shells. *hands start to sweat*  In fact, her entire basement is supposedly filled with shells, they whispered even lower to denote the proper amount of pity one should feel upon learning such information. I MUST get in that basement!  *quad stretches*  At precisely noon o'clock the doors opened and I beat away some grandmas to get in that basement where I encountered 1000 sq ft of glistening white shell crafts collected over 30 years.  *decorgasmisplosion*  Some of that shit is illegal now.  I have boxes of it.  Who's "eccentric" now, fuckers?!!!

3. Rock. Free.  I stole this from a State Park obtained it during a wilderness hike for a friend's birthday.  Look at me doing outside things!!  But I definitely want to remember this:

It's not like I have a picture or anything to preserve the memory...

What are we talking about again?  Oh yeah...

4. Vintage Golden Eagle Motor Inns postcard. $1 at a junk store.  It's, like, Americana.  They're on ebay for $6 now - that's almost an 800% ROI.  Fuck yeah!!

5. Delicious rainbow needlepoint. Free - Christmas gift. I also collect needlepoints because lady craftsmanship from olden times rocks my vagina off.  Possibly more than shells but I don't want to get too irresponsible with such bold statement.

6. After I took the switchplates off, goblins came in the middle of the night and magically changed each one so they no longer fit their corresponding switches anymore.  True story.  I've tried to put this one on about 4 times and am still unsuccessful.  I have little defenses against magic.

7. Photo of random dude doing smart things.  Ebay years ago... maybe $10 for the giant lot?  I can't remember but I now have a box of weird-ass art school photos in my closet I can bring out at parties.  Random dude sits in a Pottery Barn Outlet frame.  $40. Art that costs a quarter, frame that costs $40.  That doesn't make any kind of sense.  Welcome to being poor!  And I do like PB's frames, by the way.  But only the ones from the outlet...

8. Hollie Chastain collage. $80 total I think.  You may or may not remember when I stalked discovered Hollie last year.  I went to buy this piece on etsy only to find out she lives right here in Chattavegas!  Say what?!  Now we're friends and go junkin together sometimes.  When I let her out of basement...

9. Glass orb. $1.50 at estate sale (half off on Sundays, of course).  Not the same estate sale as before - I get around.  I use this little guy as a crystal ball to spy on people and see who's getting kicked off Project Runway next.  Great investment piece. 

I know there are lots of rules that should apply to proper styling but I don't really know them even though Emily Henderson is the only show I watch on HGTV but she's apparently not available for rent.  I try to vary height and textures but mostly I don't think too much about it and set things around that make me happy and seem completely rational.  For instance, Hollie's collage has colored raindrops and because the phrase is "right as rain" it must be on the right side.

You can't argue with decorating science like that.  

Also the coral and rock are both from outsideland and therefore should sit next to each other and be friends.  Like hippies.  That rock can't sit next to the crystal ball because that's waaay too much roundiness together and that would be stupid!  

Or maybe I should get another rock to balance it out??  Damn, I have to go on another wilderness hike...

Styling is so exhausting.