Monday, January 2, 2012

This is what it sounds like when doves predict the future.

Ahhh.... 2012. This is how I feel about you:

20 tweezy Fabulosity

I'm super stoked about this year and have been accidentally writing 2012 for the last three months.  Sorry, check recipients.  

However, 2011 proved to be a good year for me - I got a new kitchen, didn't get pepper-sprayed in the face and the worst thing that happened to me was a bit of urinary grief.  So thank you to all my supportive readers, Cupboards and Brizo for helping with my kitchen, GE for some Kentucky adventures and the architects of the Charlotte airports that made bathrooms so close to the gates.

I expect lots of amazing things to happen this year if I continue on my current trajectory of fabulosity.  I don't make resolutions but I thoroughly enjoy that warm and fuzzy feeling you get from new beginnings like when you start a new book or buy new underwear.  I must admit I've got a pretty warm and fuzzy feeling about the upcoming year and it isn't related to Charlemagne sitting on my newly-underweared lap. 

Here are some awesome events I expect to happen this year:

I'll write a post about Tangerine Tango - Pantone's new color for 2012 - but it won't be as good as last year's.  I'll lose a follower because of its lameness but gain a few new ones after a well-placed double entendre.  Hooray for the sauce!

My instagram addiction will reach its zenith with a beautiful picture of the Tennessee landscape and then immediately crash and burn when I post a picture of my breakfast.  

Someone will kick me in the throat for saying 20-tweezy.

I'll be super excited to add some faux fur accents to my wardrobe this season but my fashion sense being what it is, my efforts will go horribly awry and someone will mistake me for a yeti.  My wounds will heal but I'll always have a limp.

I'll be exceedingly happy when my inbox overflows with potential matches after setting up an online dating profile.  Confused as to why all my matches end up crying in the fetal position, I learn that I accidentally set up my profile on Christian Mingle.  

After watching an episode of Good Eats with Alton Brown, I will be inspired to grind against a pillow try to incorporate parsnips into my cooking repertoire.  After a few awkward moments in the produce section and some disastrous attempts in the kitchen, I'll finally have a mediocre understanding of cooking with parsnips.  VICTORY!

I will also accomplish a DIY project I've been planning since Christmas.  I will make it much more complicated than necessary but it turn out awesomely and be repinned on Pinterest 7 bazillion times.  I will make arrangements to have that fact carved onto my gravestone.

We ain't slowin down yet...

I will be fucking awesome this month.  When it stops raining....

While it is raining, I'll be able to design some super fantastic merchandise for the blog that you could purchase for very reasonable prices and give as gifts to lots of people who will think you're the most awesome gift giver in the world.  

I will receive a picture of someone wearing a ModernSauce tshirt.  It will be their mugshot but it won't make me any less happy.

I will write a hilarious post about monkeys and postmodern parking decks in Southern cities that will cause several readers to literally urinate on themselves.

Siri will remind me to renew my restraining orders against the few Christian Mingle matches that didn't end in tears.

My stalking of tile stores in anticipation of my future bathroom renovation will finally prove fruitful when I find the tile of my dreams.  I will cry tears of joy.  More tears will follow when I learn the price. 

The warm weather and my selective memory will inspire me to plant some new things around the Ranch.  My optimism knows no bounds and it will look beautiful!!

The thrift store proves to be particularly bountiful this month. My bank account does the happy dance.


The new plants are dead (possibly from errant fireworks) but I don't care because I'm wrapped up in True Blood again even though it continues to get shittier and shittier.

I will have a brief and curiously intense love affair with the color combination of plum, currant and citron yellow.

My years long search for comfy yet affordable chairs for my living room will finally drive me to insanity and I will make guests sit on old tires I found on the side of the road. 

Using large amounts of wine, I will entice my neighborhood gays to scatter large rocks and shrubs in the house to bring the outdoors in because it's so fucking hot around here I can't stand to go outdoors.  Once I sweep up the dirt the Ranch will have that great Southern California feel I've always wanted.


I finally made it through a Pure Barre class without crying!  My ass looks fantastic and I celebrate by bingeing on funnel cakes.  Powdered sugar is gawd's delicious dandruff.

Still going saucy...

Being that this is my 32nd birthday month I will sparkle from the inside out!  People will stop me in the streets and have me bless their babies, my milkshake will bring all the rabid cats to the yard and I'll leave a snail trail of glitternaise wherever I go.  Being in your thirties is amazing!  

I will buy myself the most awesomenest shoes ever created.  They will make my legs look like dangerously long sex columns.  But they hurt too much to wear them out of the house so no one will ever see them.  My feet hurt just typing this sentence.  But it's worth it.  For the dangerous sex columns.  

I will spend 5 seconds in ecstasy thinking I have won the lottery after playing the same lucky numbers for the past 7 years: my body measurements.  However, I quickly realize I am one number off because yet again my bust just doesn't measure up.  I should switch that measurement to the length of my dangerous sex column legs...

I secretly begin planning for Christmas decorations.  So excited!!  Visions of Jonathan Adler ornaments dance in my head.

I will find a side table for my living room so glorious I will have a decorgasm right there on the spot making the junk store clerk very uncomfortable.  

The blog is really starting to get some traction and I will gain a few new readers taking my total page views to 87!  Fuck yeah!


I will finally overdose on glitter this holiday season but it will be worth it despite a scary few minutes in the ER.

I will spend my Christmas in an eggnog bath reminiscing about how badassical 2012 was and doodling hearts around myself and the next year in my trapper keeper.

Come and get me, 2013.

I can't wait to make up the awesomeness that will happen during that year!  I will speculate that there will be even more funnel cakes and fabulosity.  

Possibly less Prince though...

Today's post was part of Let's Blog Off - where a gang of bloggers all write about a similar topic - in this case 20 tweezy.  *neck block*  Make sure to check out what everyone else is looking forward to in the new year.  They might have better plans but I guarantee I have better gifs.


  1. so good ... I already miss 2012

  2. Did you consider "twenty-douze"? Sounds like "twenty-booze". A little franglais never hurt anyone.

  3. Also, when you turn 32 you can tell people you're thirty-two-riffic.

  4. Are these resolutions? Threats? Promises? I'm holding you to them! Except I think it should be an eggnog orgy instead of a bath.

  5. This list is amaze balls! I can't decide what I'm doing for the rest of the day, much less the whole year. It also makes me glad that I dated Prince before he got creepy, that my bladder problems are under control, that I still have some time to enjoy the rest of my thirties-plus, and that I'm getting a Modern Sauce t-shirt. Happy Twenty Tweezy!

  6. Anonymous - it's going to be good, I know. High five!

    sQmerritt - thirty-two-riffic sounds insanely awesome and I can't wait to say that over and over until one of my friends punches me in the throat!!

    Kim - they are all of those?! I don't know I'm just going to shoot for awesome stuff and when I fail it'll still be awesome. I feel like there could be a way to combine the eggnog orgy and bath into one giant creamy event...?!

    Live The Fine Life - Um... you dated Prince?! I hope that actually happened and isn't just made up (like the list above). Happy Twenty Tweezy to you too!!

  7. Oh no- say it isn't true? Made up the list? But even if it is are you still going to try and finish each item or would that just be weird?

  8. Hell yes I'm going to finish every item. A girl has to have goals!

  9. I'm glad to have been a part of your glorious 2011... Here's to 2012!

    No need to worry about those comfy chairs- guests don't need to stay that long... unless they'll sit on your bangin' Meheecan stool. Ha!

    If I don't get the first ModSauce tshirt I may cry, by the way.

  10. Wow! What a year. It whizzed by so fast, especially since I could hardly read any of it because of those eyes staring at me. But congratulations for all the awesomeness anyway!

  11. Nick - Thank you for my 2011! And I thought we agreed that you were going to model the shirts for me?!

    Dr. Bailes - Your lack of appreciation for uncomfortable Prince gifs is mind-boggling. But happy New Year! ; )

  12. Wow! Thanks for cheering me up and Happy New Year!

  13. Welshcakes - My pleasure. I might need you to return the favor when I fail at most of this in another two weeks.