Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Five Stages of Urinary Grief

1. Denial
Before I get on this flight I better chug 30+ oz of water because I haven't had anything to eat or drink this morning and flying always makes a Madame dehydrated.  It's only an hour and a half flight and even though I have the delicately sized bladder equal to that of a newborn kitten I'm sure it'll be fine!  My skin will thank me.


here
*one hour and twelve minutes later*


2. Anger
Christ on a cracker!  I miscalculated and they just turned on the fasten seat belts sign for our final descent and I think my bladder might explode.  I would have thought the fact that my vagina is completely numb due to the dangerous amounts of vibrations on this toy plane would have made this feeling less intense but I was terribly terribly wrong.  I cannot believe I'm so fucking stupid as to keep reading even when I knew I had to pee!!     ARRRHHHHH! *bladder throbbing*  It hurts, it HURTS... I fucking HATE these airline regulations!!!  Why do they discriminate against people with superhuman kidney function?  I didn't choose this I was born this way!  I will have a bladder pride parade up and down this motherfuckin aisle until you let me in that gawddamned bathroom!


here
*crazy desperation has officially set in*


3. Bargaining
Fucking distract yourself with something!  *turns to sleeping middle-aged businessman in the next seat*  What do you think would happen if I just reached over and grabbed his crotch while he's still sleeping?  It's such an intimate seating arrangement I'm basically sitting in his lap right now so it's not that much different... Would he flip out and call the flight attendant over or just let it happen?  I could just punch him instead...  What's likelier to get me off this plane to a bathroom faster?  If I go for the crotch grab and he just sits there then I'm fucked.  He's not wearing a ring so he's single which means I'd then be forced into a handjob on a plane because that's the polite thing to do.  Manners.  What if he reciprocated and grabbed MY crotch?  Ewwww!!!  What kind of person does that?!  I'd pee all over him for sure and although I'd win at the mile high club game that's just nasty.   But maybe he's gay which would guarantee that he would flip the fuck out.  But look at his that shirt he's wearing and the large quantities of ear hair - not gay.  I think my only alternative is that I punch him in the stomach so they'll land the plane faster to arrest me and therefore I can pee sooner.  Unless TSA is like that book I read one time about a Nazi that tortured a prim elderly woman by not letting her pee until she couldn't take it anymore and gave them information.  I would crack so fast...  


Dear baby jeebs in the manger, please don't let me become a airplane molester Nazi with an anger management problem that ends up in jail!  I will do anything! I promise not to ever drink water again.  In fact I will only drink my own urine because I believe in recycling because I love this planet so much, if you just get me to a bathroom soon... *squeezes*  I don't want to go to jail for being a pervert or by breaking in-flight regulations by rushing the front cabin!!!  I think you get the death penalty for that but I don't know because I never listen to the safety speech in the beginning...


here
*Thighs and back are cramping.  Hands and arms are shaking.  Breathing is shallow.  Silently whimpers...*


4. Depression
I'm going to drown in urine from the inside.  This is the end.  I will die.  I will die a humiliating death that will be tweeted all over the world.  URINE IS NOT THE KIND OF SAUCE I MEANT!  All this work and a Madame's legacy will be death by pee on a blogging trip.  No one will ever invite me anywhere again.  


Now we're just sitting at the tarmac.  I can see our gate.  I realize this is karma for some heinous crime I must have committed (possibly mind raping the guy next to me...?) because I'm a horrible horrible person.  A horrible person punished with the burden of a miniscule bladder.  I deserve this.  Now's a good time to take up cutting...


here
*becoming one with my shame*


5. Acceptance
Ok.  I'm here and I put myself here.  I can tap into my mindfulness training I received that time I read the back of that meditation book and just be in the moment.  You can make it.  One agonizing shaking cramping hurting bloated moment at a time.  We're taxiing to the gate in the slowest landing ever recorded in the history of aviation but we're so close I can almost smell the Cinnabon from inside the airport.  And if you can't make it and pee everywhere you'll just claim you have narcolepsy of the bladder. They'd believe you.  These people are strangers and they'll most likely just step over your crumpled body on the floor anyway.  Such is my fate.  I didn't like these pants anyway.


Briefly back to Anger...
Holy frozen peeballs lady, if you don't walk faster or get your fucking child out of the way I will punch you and your slow-ass baby in the back of the head, I'm fucking SWIMMING back here!!


omigawd, omigawd, OMIGAWD...!!!!!


here
I made it.  


Spiritual nirvana was reached.


No jail time.


*blissful urinary afterglow*

29 comments:

  1. I'm plagued with the same affliction and I have two words that together, offer a ray of hope.

    Aisle. Seat.

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  2. Shaking and crying with laughter.

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  3. Madame, you are just crazy and I love reading this because I felt the same way when I was on the way to the same event, I was on a flight 90 minutes later than the one I *missed* so my bladder was really screaming! I feel you pain! Hugs and kisses. Tabby says to tell Charlemagne meow!

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  4. I don't think I could be this hilariously logical if my bladder was about to explode. I applaud thee.

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  5. Paul - Sadly, I was in an aisle seat less than 10 feet from the bathroom but the desperate urgency only hit AFTER I wasn't allowed to go.

    Kim - Yeah I was shaking and crying with PAIN!

    Brenda - I have no problem using an airplane bathroom but it's when you CAN'T use it that things get tricky. Note to self: bathrooms area a gift and use them as such.

    Becky - The mind is a wondrous thing when faced with life and death challenges.

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  6. Maybe I need to write a blog post about preemptive urination and the peace of mind that comes from adopting that way of life.

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  7. Maybe you should - I subscribe to this lifestyle to the point of embarrassment with my friends but I obviously need a refresher. Stupid denial. I'm an adult for chrissake!!

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  8. One of my goals in life is never to be caught with a full bladder and an inaccessible lavatory. You gotta aim high. Watch the Twitter stream, I'm going to post something and dedicate it to you in a second.

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  9. I fear we would both become Nazi informants should we ever be put in that position.

    Your tweet/post was perfect! Also, I'm jealous b/c as a classy lady I can't whip it out and pee into a coffee mug (or travel john) as easily as y'all dudes. #penisenvy

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  10. Ahhh, but that's the beauty of a Travel John. If you look at how they're made, they are for use by both sexes. I lack the equipment to verify that but based on the shape of the thing, it looks like it would work.

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  11. The next time I'm on a flight I'll make sure to pull one out and test it for you all in the name of science. I'm sure my seat mate will prefer that over being molested or punched.

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  12. This is almost a "found footage" documentary. You'd have to change the ending though. Because no "found footage" documentary ends happy (thus the fact that the footage was found).

    Barring that, and since it's set at an airport you could somehow work in a "12 Monkeys" story line, where your past self sees your future self running toward the Ladies room. Almost there, almost there, oh just barely made it! : )

    Think I'll hit the head now.

    Anyway...

    Anyway...

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  13. I'm not talented enough to convey the drama that occurred within those thirty minutes with just words - I would definitely need to recreate the entire scene in some kind of horrible movie to really get the full effect of the shaking and sweating. My future self or anyone else watching will probably enjoy it.

    In related news: I haven't seen 12 Monkeys (but thanks for the obscure reference) since it came out so I need to rewatch. I was 15 so gimme a break! ; )

    And every time you pee it's a gift. Remember that.

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  14. This made me laugh so hard I felt my own precious bodily fluids head for the escape hatch.

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  15. I hope you were near a lavatory and weren't in your own personal hell of being buckled into a seat and then made to stare at your salvation just out of reach for 20 minutes...

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  16. YOU ARE FUNNY!! I enjoyed reading this hilarious post! Thanks!!

    xoxo,
    Maryam

    http://athomewithmaryam.blogspot.com

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  17. Thank you! It was my pleasure! Actually, it was my pain but whatever...

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  18. Why did Paul say "Twitter stream?" Was he trying to psychologically mess with you and make you have to pee all over again? Why didn't he say "tweets" or something that didn't have a fluid aspect to it? Just wondering what kind of sadistic monster he really is. Maybe I'll post my question into the Twitter "atmosphere."
    And you're right - ear hair = not gay. And I have a few gay friends who would respond that a hand job is a hand job, even when done by a *gasp* female. So keep that in mind for future flights.

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  19. Paul is a monster and I'm glad someone finally noticed.

    I would take a poll of all my gay friends but they're like my brothers and I can't talk to them about handjobs, etc. They have to take a shower after they read anything about panties over here. But I would have to take a shower after giving a gay handjob because then that would make ME gay! That's how the gay works right?!

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  20. Yes, I am a monster. It was bound to get out eventually.

    As a point of order, being gay is catchy but it's not contagious.

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  21. It's not contagious?! My sex ed book from 1954 has steered me wrong...

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  22. Maybe it's different for girls.

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  23. I wouldn't know. The book says if you even look at your own vagina you'll burn in hell. I'm a good girl so I always avert my eyes and shower in my bathing suit.

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  24. I hope it's a modest bathing suit: http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html

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  25. Just like that! Except for the third picture - I almost saw some of her knee. Whore.

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  26. Whore indeed. Can you imagine that crap? It's a good thing that stuff has nothing to do with subjugating women.

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  27. I subjugate myself enough without the help of a stylish bathing frock.

    Now, if you'll excuse me I have my nightly labia shaming in a few minutes. I don't really know what labia are but the book says shaming is of the utmost importance in this area.

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  28. ahh! I feel your pain, this happened to me on a plane, eight hours...I was crying (I had a cold, drank a lot of water to try to make my throat feel better...)I considered peeing in the seat. They let me pee in the plane as soon as we landed...on account of the crying. I really did imagine peeing on the seat, gross.

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  29. Ahahaha! I'm not laughing at you but with you in sympathy because I was dangerously close to crying and, you know, violence. So you held it for 8 hours?? I have no problem peeing on a plane but I just couldn't get to it. You win the award for most desperate pee situation! Glad you made it.

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