Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I'm romancing this stone with my favorite '80s movies.

I've been sitting here on my divan (all the coolest bloggers have one) thinking about emerald for six months.  That's not out of the ordinary for me but once Pantone opened their can of whoop ass on the rainbow for 2013 I had to move green to the front of my thought queue.

Yeah, I was on a blogging break so sorry about being tardy for the party.

I'm down with green for this year as was everyone who happened to stumble on Pinterest last Fall so I don't think anyone can really complain about the selection.

Other than the actual Pantone chip is neon jadeite and not emerald at all.  Don't let their graphics fool you.

Sigh...  so close!  

Pantone: the best colorblind marketing juggernaut of the industry.

You know who really knows how to do Emerald correctly?

The 19-motherfucking-80's, y'all.
Let's have them give us lessons in green.  Because this is really what I've been doing on my divan for six months... watching movies.

Cinematic example 1:  Romancing the Stone
This was back when Michael Douglas had his crazy eyes but in a fun 'is he manic or just a cokehead?' kind of way and Kathleen Turner still turned everybody's loins into jello and even 8 yr old me felt weird feelings when I saw her side boob because that's just how hot she was back then.

Remember they were on a treasure hunt (to Cartegeeenna!) to find some giant emerald shaped like a heart?  I forget the actual plot but I do remember this moment...

...when we discover that the emerald was snugly (and probably uncomfortably?) nestled next to Michael Douglas' family jewels (yeah we get it, Hollywood).

If you remember, the name of the stone was El Corazon and people actually own replicas of it like the one below because they are awesome:
You know what else is kinda (not) awesome?  Green is color of your heart chakra.  Don't ask me how I know this but I'm just throwin' that out there...   Maybe Romancing the Stone had a deeper meaning than we realized.  Maybe Danny DeVito is an angel that can tell us about it...
Maybe not.

Cinemactic example 2: The Monster Squad 

I bought this movie last week (SHUT UP IT WAS $4!) on a whim.

Somehow I managed to notice around the plot holes and monster montages set to synthesizers that the amulet in that movie also glows green!

Kablammo.  I need to get some green stones up in the ModSauce Ranch STAT because that shit got some serious magical powers, y'all.  

To bring back shoulder pads and Trapper Keepers.

Who knows what other emerald influences I've completely forgotten about...?  I should just rewatch everything my family ever had recorded on Beta or VHS to make sure I haven't missed anything.  See you in October.

Of 2014.

[MS Sidebar: my family had so many things recorded my mom devised a card catalog storage system for all of our movies.  We were the most well-organized tv nerds ever. "Where's 'Bill Cosby: Himself'?"  Oh it's in drawer 3, 7 back...  Who needs emotional validation or role models when you have the Smithsonian of Made for TV Movies in your den?]

Cinemacracktic example 3:  Of course, you can't talk about emeralds without talking about OZ!  But classic Dorothy makes me a little queasy with its "charm" and I much prefer the gothic stylings of young Fairuza Balk and her gaggle of fucked-up friends.

It looked all fun and shiny here but then remember this shit?

They're like skate punks from hell and they're high on bath salts and will eat a tiny goth girl.  

And the fun part is all the emerald's real subtle - like in Tik Tok's eyes only - because this movie doesn't pander to kids.  It makes you work for it.


Because that's a ten foot tall pumpkin with animated twig arms and he's scary as fuck but you must persist because green holds all the answers:

They probably used the same prop as Romancing the Stone.

Not the emerald, I mean that's probably Kathleen Turner in that case...  

What the hell was the plot to this movie?!  I can't remember but emerald saves the day and restores justice from the evil headless Kathleen Turner witch.

Cinnamontastic example 4:  Big Trouble in Little China.  

Slotted in my top five favorite movies of all time is John Carpenter's masterpiece of trucking through Chinatown with nothing but a tank top, some bravado and a band of Kung Fu masters.

I wish that was the story of my life, amirite?!

This movie is important to whatever the fuck I'm talking about because the entire story is based on a girl with EMERALD eyes fulfilling some kind of prophecy with an evil sorcerer and omigawd y'all I have green eyes so I was super stoked in 1986.

Looking like a blonde, green-eyed Valley girl was the shit in the '80s - kinda like how everyone in the 2000s wants to look like Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce.  

Except now I look like I still belong in the '80s...

And if you've seen my Pinterest you'll know that I'm (shamefully) attracted to cultural appropriation by white people...

Sorry about my missing sources. Shit got crazy on the internet.
I blame Kim Cattrall.

Outlining a vaguely Eastern god of crankyface in neon green lights probably didn't help.

However, if we're looking for a more accurate representation of emerald during this decade AND as it relates to my ocular coloring it's OBVIOUSLY the all-seeing, all-knowing, green-eyed guardian of Lo Pan's underground fortress.
We're like twinsies.  Wealth, power, harmony and some sexy peepers, y'all.

Cinemarazzmatazz example 5:  Superman III.

I've been reliving my Superman III memories a lot recently and they are glorious.  This movie in particular because Richard Pryor is in it AND there's bad Superman which is infinitely hotter than regular old Superman because his Spanx are dirty and he has stubble.

Emerald makes a special appearance in the form of a Kryptonite laser because everything was a laser in the '80s.

Aaaaand I think we just found the overwrought metaphor for what Pantone does to me.  

It turns me into a terrible blogger with its laser of lameness...  *shifty eyes*

But it can't take away emerald from me!  Partially because colored contacts are sooo '80s and I just look really damn good in jewel tones.  

And I just bought the collector's set of Superman DVDs so it's kryptonite all day erry day around here.  As a reward for sitting through this post you can come over to my Superman slumber party I'm throwing.  Only footed pajamas allowed though.  

Cape optional.

See ya next year, Lametone.


  1. You made me remember that The Nanny episode where Niles pretends to be Maxwell and Fran is his wife, and then whe have this dialog:
    -who asked you anyway you big green cow?
    -It's turqouise.
    - It's not turqouise, it´s emerald.

    Then I search that episode S1E6 and I was shock to found out that the color is not emerald at all! but I forgive them. I'm in a good mood today ;)

    1. Ahahahaha! See?! Somehow color just infects your brain!

      (sorry for late reply - I must have missed this comment before!)

  2. My childhood loves Romancing the Stone, but my all-life-forever fucking LOVES Big Trouble in Little China. Unlike other movies where you start to see where they fucked up the editing or the boom mike crept into the picture that movie is gold each and every time you see it. It never changes it's level: awesome. There's all kinds of green up in that heezy - didn't Lo Pan's finger laser battle figure cloaked in green? Frickin' love it.

    1. Yes - with BT in LC the worse it is the BETTER it is! I love it so hard. And YES there are all kinds of green accents in that movie probably b/c of the whole girl with the green eyes thing. When Lo Pan does his dying laser show it's in green too.

      It's called consistency, y'all!