I'm romancing this stone with my favorite '80s movies.

I've been sitting here on my divan (all the coolest bloggers have one) thinking about emerald for six months.  That's not out of the ordinary for me but once Pantone opened their can of whoop ass on the rainbow for 2013 I had to move green to the front of my thought queue.

here

Yeah, I was on a blogging break so sorry about being tardy for the party.

I'm down with green for this year as was everyone who happened to stumble on Pinterest last Fall so I don't think anyone can really complain about the selection.

Other than the actual Pantone chip is neon jadeite and not emerald at all.  Don't let their graphics fool you.

Sigh...  so close!  

Pantone: the best colorblind marketing juggernaut of the industry.

You know who really knows how to do Emerald correctly?

The 19-motherfucking-80's, y'all.

here

Let's have them give us lessons in green.  Because this is really what I've been doing on my divan for six months... watching movies.

Cinematic example 1:  Romancing the Stone

This was back when Michael Douglas had his crazy eyes but in a fun 'is he manic or just a cokehead?' kind of way and Kathleen Turner still turned everybody's loins into jello and even 8 yr old me felt weird feelings when I saw her side boob because that's just how hot she was back then.

Remember they were on a treasure hunt (to Cartegeeenna!) to find some giant emerald shaped like a heart?  I forget the actual plot but I do remember this moment...

...when we discover that the emerald was snugly (and probably uncomfortably?) nestled next to Michael Douglas' family jewels (yeah we get it, Hollywood).

If you remember, the name of the stone was El Corazon and people actually own replicas of it like the one below because they are awesome:

here

You know what else is kinda (not) awesome?  Green is color of your heart chakra.  Don't ask me how I know this but I'm just throwin' that out there...   Maybe Romancing the Stone had a deeper meaning than we realized.  Maybe Danny DeVito is an angel that can tell us about it...

here

Maybe not.

Cinemactic example 2: The Monster Squad 

I bought this movie last week (SHUT UP IT WAS $4!) on a whim.

here

Somehow I managed to notice around the plot holes and monster montages set to synthesizers that the amulet in that movie also glows green!

here

Kablammo.  I need to get some green stones up in the ModSauce Ranch STAT because that shit got some serious magical powers, y'all.  

To bring back shoulder pads and Trapper Keepers.

Who knows what other emerald influences I've completely forgotten about...?  I should just rewatch everything my family ever had recorded on Beta or VHS to make sure I haven't missed anything.  See you in October.

Of 2014.

[MS Sidebar: my family had so many things recorded my mom devised a card catalog storage system for all of our movies.  We were the most well-organized tv nerds ever. "Where's 'Bill Cosby: Himself'?"  Oh it's in drawer 3, 7 back...  Who needs emotional validation or role models when you have the Smithsonian of Made for TV Movies in your den?]

Cinemacracktic example 3:  Of course, you can't talk about emeralds without talking about OZ!  But classic Dorothy makes me a little queasy with its "charm" and I much prefer the gothic stylings of young Fairuza Balk and her gaggle of fucked-up friends.

here

It looked all fun and shiny here but then remember this shit?

here

They're like skate punks from hell and they're high on bath salts and will eat a tiny goth girl.  

And the fun part is all the emerald's real subtle - like in Tik Tok's eyes only - because this movie doesn't pander to kids.  It makes you work for it.

here

Because that's a ten foot tall pumpkin with animated twig arms and he's scary as fuck but you must persist because green holds all the answers:

here

They probably used the same prop as Romancing the Stone.

here

Not the emerald, I mean that's probably Kathleen Turner in that case...  

What the hell was the plot to this movie?!  I can't remember but emerald saves the day and restores justice from the evil headless Kathleen Turner witch.

Cinnamontastic example 4:  Big Trouble in Little China.  

Slotted in my top five favorite movies of all time is John Carpenter's masterpiece of trucking through Chinatown with nothing but a tank top, some bravado and a band of Kung Fu masters.

here

I wish that was the story of my life, amirite?!

This movie is important to whatever the fuck I'm talking about because the entire story is based on a girl with EMERALD eyes fulfilling some kind of prophecy with an evil sorcerer and omigawd y'all I have green eyes so I was super stoked in 1986.

Looking like a blonde, green-eyed Valley girl was the shit in the '80s - kinda like how everyone in the 2000s wants to look like Jennifer Lopez and Beyonce.  

Except now I look like I still belong in the '80s...

And if you've seen my Pinterest you'll know that I'm (shamefully) attracted to cultural appropriation by white people...

Sorry about my missing sources. Shit got crazy on the internet.

I blame Kim Cattrall.

here

Outlining a vaguely Eastern god of crankyface in neon green lights probably didn't help.

However, if we're looking for a more accurate representation of emerald during this decade AND as it relates to my ocular coloring it's OBVIOUSLY the all-seeing, all-knowing, green-eyed guardian of Lo Pan's underground fortress.

here

We're like twinsies.  Wealth, power, harmony and some sexy peepers, y'all.

Cinemarazzmatazz example 5:  Superman III.

here

I've been reliving my Superman III memories a lot recently and they are glorious.  This movie in particular because Richard Pryor is in it AND there's bad Superman which is infinitely hotter than regular old Superman because his Spanx are dirty and he has stubble.

Emerald makes a special appearance in the form of a Kryptonite laser because everything was a laser in the '80s.

here

Aaaaand I think we just found the overwrought metaphor for what Pantone does to me.  

It turns me into a terrible blogger with its laser of lameness...  *shifty eyes*

But it can't take away emerald from me!  Partially because colored contacts are sooo '80s and I just look really damn good in jewel tones.  

And I just bought the collector's set of Superman DVDs so it's kryptonite all day erry day around here.  As a reward for sitting through this post you can come over to my Superman slumber party I'm throwing.  Only footed pajamas allowed though.  

Cape optional.

See ya next year, Lametone.

MANTONE. *spits*

I'm just going to leave these here...

Click to enlarge for maximum enjoyment.

via Lunch Breath

Saucy things we missed while I was eating soft pretzels

Apparently getting your blog mojo back requires a few false starts...  I'm going to blame an extended blog blackout on Beyonce's thighs.  We're all powerless against them.

Since we haven't had a good Girls-worthy witty convo in so long I thought we could recap all the highlights from the last few months.  Other than the fiscal cliff.  

The most exciting things that happened to me involved a lot of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episodes, some soft pretzels I had a few weeks ago that I still think about and a new pleather motorcycle jacket. 

But I guess if we're talking important global news then we have to first acknowledge the sad passing of architect Oscar Niemeyer at 104.  Oscar really knew how to work his way around concrete and for that deserves a special place in my vag tunnel of love (that's made of concrete).

Alvorada Palace, home of the Brazilian president 

And even though I didn't actually research anything for this blurb, I think concrete-loving, Modernist Oscar was the guy who said he broke from traditional Modernist beliefs to give buildings curves just like the Brazilian women from his home country.  *eyeroll*  And then he built this:

Brazilian National Congress

Aaaaand now I have yet another body image issue to deal with.  RIP Oscar, you talented and most-likely-but-hopefully-not creepy pervert.

In other unsurprising and sad design news is that Target is being sued (AGAIN) for copying the work of a designer.

via LA Times

The Target bookend on the left is obviously stolen from Annabel Inganni's Wolfum bookend on the right because everyone's favorite bargain bullseye has long run out of ideas regarding bookends, safari animals or anything else you think is cute at Target because it is probably a stolen idea from someone else.  

Speaking of other large corporations devoid of soul, Pantone picked Emerald as their color of the year for 2013.  

Seth Engstrom's concept art for Dorothy of Oz. Thanks to a smart commenter!

It's the news that spawns a thousand mediocre mood boards and I feel like this may require further discussion at a later date.

On to something that's more pleasing to the eyes, Steve Carell looks like this now:

here

Alex Karpovsky is still my #1 but excuse me brb need to go to Target and buy (hopefully not copied) new underwear...

In other hottie news, check out Bill Nye's house tour on WSJ:

It's the cutest thing I've ever seen.  It has a bunch of solar panels and shit but I don't give a fuck because BOW TIES.

And even though I could post hippie house tours from now til the end of eternity - whenever omnipotent Beyonce says that is - I try to limit y'alls exposure to hobo houses on ye olde saucy blog.  

However, if you have a hankering for a train ride to hipstertown check out this great place on Design*Sponge:

I have a lot of crystals and succulents that would work well in this space.

Speaking of our High Priestess of the Lace Front (I don't know what that means), I'm in love with this tumblr dedicated to creating color palettes from Bey photos.

here 

It's like Design Seeds but sadder and only for gay boys and me.

And finally, while I was away this blog turned three years old.  

MOTHERFUCKIN SQUEE!

I had no idea three years ago when I started writing about ninjas and unicorns that I'd be here three years later writing about ninjas and unicorns.  Maybe it's time to find a new shtick.

In the meantime I'll continue to write rambling and disjointed pseudo-essays about my life and it's tangential and codependent relationship with Design.  

So thanks for reading and following and commenting and tweeting and just plain old being my internet friends.  Because we are friends.  Whether you know it or even want it we are definitely friends so why don't you return my texts more often gawddammit?!

I would share my soft pretzels with you.  Because friends help friends find Steve Carell lookalikes.

Tangerine can Tango with my fist!

Pour yourself a Satsuma cocktail and dry hump a ginger because we are gonna talk about O-raaahhnnnnge!


I'm always super late to the game with these Pantone posts but I like to see what everyone else says first.  And then *eye-motherfuckin-roll* into the new year and then get busy gabbing!


But it's extra late this year because I'm supremely bored with Pantone lately and have been avoiding this post like Lady Mary avoids cousin peen. #DowntonAbbeyReference 

As I'm sure you've heard the color of the year for 2012 is Tangerine Tango. 

Yay. Limp streamers.  Mylar balloons.  Bad cake.  I hate it when a bad thing happens to a decent color.

I don't have a funny name for it because I don't even hate Pantone enough this year to give it 110%.  I'm basically indifferent now.  And Gandhi totally said the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference.  Or was it MLK?  Ricki Lake?  Aw fuck it.  I love over-analyzing color but leave it up to Pantone to completely strip all the joy out of that for me with this Color of the Year bullshit.  Thanks a lot, assholes.

Back in October I made some "predictions" about what I thought Pantone's choice might be - I leaned more toward deep blue and mustardy neutrals but I did include a a bit of orangey rust because I'm a gypsy fortuneteller. 

I would dry hump this (maybe it already has been?). I love it. via Busy Being Fabulous. AGAIN.

Granted, I didn't actually predict this color but that's kinda close right?!  Right.  I should start giving psychic readings.  As long as it's about color and people are fine with 30% accuracy.  And I can spend a lot of time on Pinterest doing it...

I'd personally prefer a darker and redder orange but hey, I'm just a hillbilly (gypsy fortuneteller) so everyone should probably ignore me.

Fake Blood by Federica Erra

I'm also feeling some peaches and corals lately too...?  Must be because we're all gearing up for Spring as indicated by the 65 degree January days and bathing suits already out in stores that make me want to barf.  

Martha Stewart

Y'all, remind me to shave my legs by March.

But I'm down with Tangerine Tango as a color even though I usually try to avoid orange because in Tennessee it is more indicative of your college football preference than a design choice.  

Mert Alas & Marcus Piggott for Pop F/W 2002 via The Form of Beauty

I'm down with some Fifth Element hair.

But I can't just give Pantone a pass this year because that's no fun.  So grab your panties y'all - here comes my obligatory rant!  

Heeey... Tangerine Tango looks a lot like Tiger Lily....  here

Tangerine Tango follows a list of super jazzy shades of the past few years.  Shades that I'm only marginally okay with.  Nothing says living in 'The Great Recession' like cabana colors of yellow, tur-qwaz, pank and bright orange!!!!!!!


Per Pantone's press release this year:

The 2011 color of the year, PANTONE 18-2120 Honeysuckle, encouraged us to face everyday troubles with verve and vigor. Tangerine Tango, a spirited reddish orange, continues to provide the energy boost we need to recharge and move forward.

Oy.  You've been telling us to "recharge and move forward" with "verve and vigor" for the last four years and I don't think it's working.  My friends are still unemployed, I spent the afternoon at Goodwill and my Pantone-colored dildo collection STILL can't find financial backing!  Fuck your energy boost!  It's condescending and elitist.  (But if you're really looking for an energy boost might I suggest the vibrating cock ring in Color-of-the-Year 2008 Blue Iris?  Oh wait, you can't get that because this is a recession and I CAN'T GET MY BUSINESS OFF THE GROUND!!)

McQueen Spring 2012 via Vogue

If you're looking for the "radiant shadings of a sunset, Tangerine Tango marries the vivaciousness and adrenaline rush of red with the friendliness and warmth of yellow, to form a high-visibility, magnetic hue that emanates heat and energy.”  That you can buy as their Tangerine Tango journal to advertise you're a raging douchebag.  Or coffee mug.  It also makes a great addition to their holiday ornament collection.  Or folding chair.  Or probably KitchenAid mixer licensing deal orgasmisplosion.  Or double-ended monster butt plug where each end is shaped like the head of one of the Eames?  Eh? EH?!!?!!  *eyebrow wiggle*  Are you a Charles or a Ray?

via The Ray & The Ro

Pantone's rainbow paragraphs of optimism and sunshine don't really reflect how people are spending their money.  (Well, maybe the luxury market... I don't know, I've been at Goodwill.)  It reflects how Pantone feels optimistic about their own expanding brand because they want you to spend your money on them.  And stay in their hotel.   


According to my top secret sources at Heimtex this year, orange and copper were definitely there as accent colors.  However there were large quantities of dark blues and greys.  Well then...   And grey seems to be the color of the decade but that would make the most boring Fleshlight color ever. Grey doesn't fly of the shelves and onto your dick like Honeysuckit Pank does.*


If only there was some kind of gypsy fortuneteller - perhaps with a lovable hillbilly charm and a smile that would make New Gingrich divorce another wife - that could have foretold such a thing!!!!  CURSES!

Tangerine can also Tango with pank!  Honor Pre-Fall 2012 via Uncle Beefy

Granted, Heimtex is a home decor market and I tend to be focused on that one industry.  I guess that's where the Tangerine Tango Christmas ornament comes in.  I'm seeing a lot more "radiant shadings of a sunset" in fashion right now.  So it's no surprise to learn that Pantone is moving into the makeup business by teaming up with Sephora this Spring!  *gasp*  Yes, of course this year's color had to be super marketable and wearable because they want it all over your face.  (Full disclosure: If it smelled like Satsumas and had glitter I'd totally buy it.)

Alexander Straulino photography via Trendland

Seriously, this post is starting to look a lot like last year's post with all the pink and orange (hellooooo - Jil Sander did pink and orange waayy last year, ya'll).  But I actually do enjoy those colors together...  Not enough to make out with it but I would definitely flirt with it like a total slut.

Philipp Schaerer

Julia Kostreva via Design*Sponge

This is the kind of journal I would carry.  Not one with Pantone splattered all over the front.  That one smells of dark-rimmed glasses and cheap desperation.

Emily Lander

Even Mother Nature dances the Tango on occasion.

Scarlet-rumped Trogon via Featured Creature

NASA is so on trend:

Morganza Floodway

Granted, they invented Tang so I bet they are biased toward orange.

Confession: even though it usually does end up in college football territory, I have a weakness for blue and orange together.  I can't help it.

via ffffound

It's like American Beauty but in a complementary color combo that makes me happy.  Not cry like a little bitch at plastic bags blowing in the breeze.  

And I will admit that even though I'm not a huge fan of purple, I'm really enjoying the weird relationship it has with orange right now.   It probably started with the whole Hermezz box and lavender event of 2010 - remember?:

via The Selby

When is lavender going to be the color of the year?  Seriously, this shit is everwherr.

Stunning mineral photography from Warren Krupshaw via DesignCrush

Mother Nature approves of this Tango as well.

Tom Ford Nails

So does Tom Ford.

Lots more fun lavender and orange via Chapman Interiors

So obviously there are lots of good things about orange and I won't burden it with my seething indifference.  It's done nothing to me (accept look bad with my skin tone).  But I'm over the Pantone evil genius marketing monopoly on color.  Until they approve my licensing deal!!!  


And if 2013's color of the year is anything other than emerald green, grey, golden champagne, lavender or the color of my eyes in the morning, I will shove the Charles end of the double-ended butt plug so far up Pantone's ass they will burp molded plywood until 2014.


*Have I fulfilled my January non-resolution resolution??!  It's close enough, right?


MS Note: If you get these posts emailed to you, you may have receive a half-completed shitty post last night - sorry.  I accidentally hit publish and then had a mini panic attack and peed my pants.  Please disregard and pretend you never read it.  It's the nice thing to do.