Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Twerking at the Bone Church

I had lots of good things scheduled for my life this week but I've had an unexpected and uncharacteristic bout of crankiness.  I'm not sure how it happened... maybe it's because I haven't eaten a vegetable in 4 days or maybe it's because my cuticles are dry and I'm PMSing but it's most likely related to the fact that I threw my back out like an early '90s sitcom storyline and have been delightfully miserable since the weekend.

I'm not sure how it happened... maybe my chair at work is wonky or maybe I should eat healthier foods so my bones won't crumble and grind on each other causing extreme agony but it's most likely because I'm too old to be trying to teach myself how to twerk like I did last Friday night after a few too many glasses of wine.

But this girl makes it seem so fun as she's "Twerking at the library."  Twerking for nerds.  Nerking.  I mean, who doesn't like books so what else I'm I gonna do with all this *gestures emphatically to all dis azz in dem jeans* other than get in library and make it clap?

Seriously, please go watch this video.
"Ssshhhhhh...."  Be respectful.

Once you get the momentum going you really just ride the jiggle so it's not too difficult.  What IS hard is starting and stopping gracefully so you don't look like an old white lady who just drank some boxed wine out of a mason jar that happened to find some twerking videos on youtube and tried to see what would happen while her cat looked on in the mirror with her judgey eyes and FUCK YOU CHARLEMAGNE I COULD BE IN A RAP VIDEO.

But only one rap video because I woke up the next day and couldn't get out of bed.  I'm blaming the office chair because I'm pretty stoked about my new career in BILF rap videos. That's Bloggers I'd Like to Fuck, obviously.

So I slowly made a pallet on the hard and welcoming floor and played on my laptop sideways and watched Superman movies all day.  I can do all things through a young Christopher Reeves who strengthens me. 

Between pretending not to peek at a certain spandex-clad bulge and wondering who Margot Kidder had to blow to get that job I did find these pictures of Sedlec Ossuary or 'Church of Bones' in the Czech Republic which felt fitting considering the mangled state of my vertebrae.

Yep, that's a chandelier and Pinterest has been no help in helping me try to DIY this shit.  Apparently it helps to have 40,000 human skeletons handy.

Twerkin' at the bone church, twerkin' at the bone church...

Something about this place is definitely helping to alleviate my crankiness.  Or maybe it was the grilled cheese made with pimento cheese and pepperoni that I just made myself followed by a dark chocolate chaser.  It's the universally-recognized cure for back pain.

Those lying fuckers.  It still hurts.  I've been walking like a duck all gawddamned day and because of all the salt I ate I'm bloated now too.  Crankiness back to Threat Level: Bitch on Wheels.

Seriously, get me some wheels because it hurts to walk and I need to go pee...

But this angel of death is helping lift my mood again.  

So is this bird.  Y'all, it's like they have a pet!  Dawww...

all photos from here

I'm still going to the chiropractor tomorrow.

And then the Czech Republic after that.  

I'll try to not twerk on the plane but I'll definitely be twerkin' in front of that baby angel's face. He likes it.

Update:  I went to the chiropractor for the first time in twenty years today and though I had to suffer the indignity of an open smock with neon pink gym shorts underneath and questions about my bowel movements, I feel much better.  Of course I now know I have some kind of degenerative spine disease but I'm sure this basket full of supplements will surely take care of it.

Chiropractors.  Gawd bless them.  They can tell me whatever they want as long as they make my back pop in such a sweet symphony of pain relief.  


  1. This might be my favorite post of yours ever. And yes, I understand what that may say about me. : /

    1. That's high praise because I wasn't even drunk when I wrote this! Also those bones are so damn badass.

  2. BILF! My new favorite. ACTUALLY, you were literally my dream girl last night. I think we were throwing a party? It was very collegiate. You were wearing a business suit, though?

    A former classmate of mine was from Kutna Hora and said that as far back as she could remember, anytime she saw a foreigner approach her/her family/her friends with the "Can you help me?" look they'd be asking where the ossuary was, to the point where they'd say, "You're looking for the bones?" (in English) before they could even ask.

    Best of luck with back stuff. I'm going to be the "have you tried?" person and ask if you've tried acupuncture. When my lower back goes out to the point where I can't really stand up straight, that's the only thing that gets me to the point of mobility where I can do the stretches, etc. to get myself back to normal.

    1. That collegiate party sounds like something I'd throw - well-intentioned but awkward and with cheap food and drinks!

      Thanks for the acupuncture tip! I hadn't thought to try it actually because it's not something that happens often BUT it's a great idea. I've had some friends who use it for allergies and other ailments with much success so I do not poo poo your assistance!

      Yeah... I'll totally be that touristy person asking your friend's family for help finding the bones. Road trip 2015!

  3. In highschool, I skipped class one day and discovered that the world looks hilarious if you head bang while walking and spent a whole hour or more doing just that. The next day I couldn't move my neck. Not as cool as twerking, but similar.

    Best of luck with your recovery, and yeah, those bones are awesome.

    1. I laughed so hard at this. Were you head banging to a certain soundtrack or just in general?

      Thanks - just got back from the chiropractor and feel much better. So good I might want to head bang...

  4. it saddens me that i forget to come over to your blog. bc it's funny o'er hurr.

    1. We like it when you come by but I'm not sure anyone actually reads blogs anymore so it's cool. You're welcome to the Sauce any time!

  5. I AM that 'old white lady' attempting to 'twerk. Only I save my good wine for 'twerkin'!

    aka, deb

  6. Good God, my back hurt just looking at the chick in the library. Silly me, thinking sex in the library is the only illicit act that should happen. Wait, no, that could get gross for the books. Okay, only twerking and Tears for Fears videos should happen in libraries. And reading.

    You know that saying about monkeys + typewriters + infinite time = Shakespeare? No matter how long you left me with thousands of bones I just don't think I could match this shit. I feel like they were aiming for "cheerful" with the addition of bird skeleton, but ended at "pecked his eyes out and ate his face". Really adds the sauce (ha! wordplay!) to the piece.