Nothing a little wood filler and tender sanding can't fix.

I'm taking a gardening break to talk bedroom talk.  Bow chicka wah waahhh wahh...  That sounds way sexier than it is.  Unless you're reaaally into MALM and based on tv shows I've seen on TLC it could happen.  I don't judge.  So since it's been a hot minute let's catch up on all the non-happenings in my bedroom.

Wait...

Ok first off I got a rug.

This is a whole lot of things people call PATTERN and COLOR but it's a nice change.  I'm still adjusting but it was a cheap find at a local place so let's roll with it for a while.

Dressers are finally together and beginning to be junked up on top as the good lord intended flat surfaces to be.  I went with two 4-drawer options side-by-side because have you ever actually looked at the regular 6 drawer dresser?  It's 30" tall.  That's about two inches taller than my nightstand and hits right above my knee.  THAT IS NOT A DRESSER THAT IS A BENCH.

If I wear heels I could use it as a chair.  Apparently Swedish people are actually the size of their meatballs.

In other Swedish news, I've got most of the curtains up after going Full Monty for over a month.  I don't think anyone could see me since my windows are fairly hidden and since I don't have a court date or actual date I think I was safe.

Can I just say how utterly fantastic it is that IKE-Rah now has white curtain rods?!  I don't know when this happened but IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE and has been my dream for many years.  

Unfortunately, hanging a new curtain rod takes HOURS for me because my walls are made of plaster/concrete/diamonds and drilling holes in them in miserable and makes me want to cry.

And if anyone did peep through my curtainless windows for the past month maybe they cried too.  Sorry, neighbors.  It was a very tragic time in the neighborhood for us all.

I bought a double rod so I can use sheers and then dummy panels on the sides but I haven't gotten that far yet.  I used sheers I already had in an attempt to save money but forgot I cut them shorter at one point...

GAWDDAMMIT.  Back to the Swedish land of tiny dressers and lingonberries to get some other options.

Since I was moving a lot of clothes to my new dressers I figured it was a good time to clean out my closet.  That's where most of my time pre-gardening was spent in case you were wondering (you weren't).  It's a thankless and unsexy job but my soul feels lighter and I've found Charlemagne's secret nap hole.  The 1/2 inch layer of fur on an old hat clued me in.

Still so much work to do...  I have a secret fetish for organized closet porn so we'll get to that later on.

I'm going to DIY an upholstered headboard (do people still even do that shit?) and have been to every thrift store in the tri-state area.  I HAVE A JOYLESS HOBBY.  Finally found this winner at the Salvation Army.

It was $5 so I think I could splurge for it.  I'm going to attach a piece of plywood/whatever to the back to make it square.  The internet says making headboards is easy and they are never wrong!

Now I just gotta pick a fabric.  AHHHH CHOICES!  At least if it's shade of beige if I totally fuck it up it won't matter that much.  Just kidding I'll want to take a concrete bath for eternity.

Headboard fabric also kinda depends on the shade of paint I pick for the nightstand which will be something taupe-y/greige-y.  I'm really goin' bold here.  But I kinda want my bedroom to look like greige angels nap there so the boring is on purpose.

However, Mr. $3 Nightstand has a few issues that we are currently addressing:

Nothing a little wood filler and tender sanding can't fix.

Story of my life.

I'm dragging my feet in a lot of areas because I have so many things that need to be done (in and out of the bedroom) that I can't focus and therefore nothing gets done except oooh let's have more wine and read this magazine and relandscape my yard. 

But the pollen plague has begun so I'll be forced to stay indoors in a hermetically sealed bubble so hopefully I can get some work done then.  

Stay healthy, y'all, and may tender sanding fix all that ails you.

You can't spell vacation without Doritos Locos Tacos and hippie crystals.

So I took a little break but I'm back now.  I know every post in the last three months starts like that but I was literally on vacation so it was legit this time and not before where I was just napping and drooling a lot while on Pinterest too much.

Let's catch up on some things and I'll tell you about me and then you tell me about you.  As long as 'you' doesn't involve going on a real vacation to some resort somewhere involving saltwater and good hair in which case you should just unfollow this blog post haste because your cute beach bangs are pissing me off already.

I had a half vacation/half staycation last week which is like the half-caf of holidays and just as douchey.  For the half vacation part I ventured to the heart of the South, my dear neighbor and inbred cousin, Alabama.  There I partook of lots of fun Alabama things like hugging people, thrifting, drinking, watching Netflix, drinking and looking at trailers.  

That's almost exactly like my staycation now that I think about it...

But there was one spot that I visited that felt special and think you would like. 

I spent a lazy Sunday morning at The Overall Company which is a great little coffee house slash house of hipster jizz and antiques and amazing things.

Way to go, Alabama.  Chattanooga is jealous.

I told you it was a special place.  And not special like the It's Fashion I went to either last week which was special but in a different way.  Special because I felt like a pioneer blazing a trail to a place I'd never been before which was confirmed by the rainbow of colors and the sales associate when she straight up asked "You... haven't been here before, have you?"

To which I adjusted my nerd girl glasses and said indeed I hadn't.  I don't know how she could tell.  But the jokes on her because I bought two dresses and DON'T YOU JUDGE ME EITHER THEY'RE CUTE.

But not as cute as this place.  

A spider also floated down from the ceiling as I was in the dressing room of It's Fashion so... there's that.

But I had a live cockroach fall out of a shirt I was trying on at a Marshall's one time so I think the real lesson here is stop being such a cheap bitch and go to a gawddamned mall  where there are nicer stores like Forever 21 and Rack Room Shoes.

The staycation part of my adventure was really exciting as well.  Between dealing with the torturous pain of an oncoming zit on the side of my nose and cleaning out my closet, I felt exactly like how Kim Kardashian must feel all the time: like a queen.  

Of terrible things.  AKA Kanye West.

But I soon forgot my pain because I had more important things to attend to...

here

...and Benedick Cumbersnatch did not disappoint.  (My snatch)

I'm the lamest vacationer ever but this is what happens when you're poor and don't plan well.

And when I wasn't shifting uncomfortably in my seat thinking about Star Trek, I had a full Game of Thrones marathon that involved lots of Cool Ranch Doritos tacos and a not-surprising lack of pants.

here

I think I cried y'all.  That shit was intense.  I even had to sit down my taco for a few moments.

But on to shit that you really care about - I'm growing my nails out like it's 2012!

I'm on my way to looking like this:

The cashier at EarthFare and I had a deep and involved conversation over my organic beans about the pointed nails and she, having had them before, told me they were great.  

Modern manicures.  It takes a village, y'all.

In other important black events (please don't make an It's Fashion joke - that's racist), I think it's time we start defacing some statues:

These are from a Danish artist Uncle Allan but I bet we could DIY these with some fake limoges from the thrift store and some evil intentions.  Pinterest would probably weep and I would laugh and laugh.

But if that kind of DIY scares you because you're a tiny little crying baby then may I introduce you to my other DIY project that I'm totally gonna do soon...

Like right now...

After I watch this episode of Game of Thrones...

I've been squeeing hard at all of the Ashely G stuff at Urban Outfitters.  Don't judge.

Duvet

I think it's cute but I don't want to sleep with it - I think it would give me indigestion - BUT...  I was kinda tempted to cut it up and wrap a canvas with it.  Maybe shellac it or some shit.  I don't know.  I'm pretty sure I could probably PAINT something for less money but that sounds like it would involve more effort on my part and I just have to click that one Paypal button...

Piller

But I can't make her jazzy pillow so maybe I'll just stick with this lesser priced option that requires no work.

I kinda want to buy said pillow and these Mellby chairs from IKE-Rah for my living room...

They look super IKE-Rah here but are much nicer in person.  Well...  

They're not grey but actually black and white houndstooth which isn't as bad as this swatch makes it look.

Do we still buy furniture from the Swedish gawds?  Do you think it's made of horse?  I don't really have the energy to craigslist for the next 12 months and then reupholster that shit so I'm thinking the Swedes might be winning this deal.  

I'll keep looking for pillows.  And chairs.  I'm sure I'll make a decision soon in June of 2015.

But one thing I AM sure about is all the quartz I've been creaming my panties over.

I want a million of you.

Ebay has a ton of these quartz goodies for relatively cheap ($23) however you do have to pay shipping from China ($14) so I'm not sure if that works out good but I think you're still better than whatever Z Gallerie junk might be available.

And then our bathrooms might look like this:

here

That's looks like how I want my vacations to feel.  When I have money one day.

Only thing that could make that better would be if it was in my house and had one of these on the shelf:

My guests would be so scared they might pee before they even make it to the toilet.

Worth it.

Between Two Ferns: The ModernSauce Patio

Put on your special margarita panties, y'all, because it's time to get buck wild on my patio!


Just kidding.  Not kidding about the patio, kidding about the margarita panties.  Those don't actually exist because tequila makes your clothes come OFF and even if there were margarita panties they would have to edged in salt and that's really disgusting.  Also, lime juice probably makes your yes-yes place tingle and not in the good way although maybe you're into that kind of thing and that's totally cool and not at all my busi...

FUCK, JUST LOOK AT MY PATIO!

Flanking ferns for an awkward and dramatic effect. Don't make fun of my fledgling herbs either.

Well heeeey...  this place used to be completely empty except for a dirty rocking chair that I never used because it was broken.  And for about 5 years that's what I did - rocked in a broken rocking chair... alone... getting drunk on an ugly patio...


But NOW I can get drunk alone OR with friends because I have chairs!

And I managed to keep it sorta/kinda/not really in my fake budget.  So let's go shopping because I assume you're nosy like me and want to know where this shit came from. 

I already had a few things to build from like the rug and the bench which was the cheapest per ass ratio I could find.  And then I went to homeland, seller of all this cinnamony and scandolously cheap: IKE-rah.

Hadn't planned on buying these but when I got there these Roxo chairs were really quite comfy.  Got a couple of chair pads for a steal and now two of my friends will lounge in the lap of Swedish luxury.

Side table was already mine that I can't remember where I got it... That's code for I stole it.

Actually it's usually Charlemagne that lounges there as you can see by her trail of glittery fur that she leaves wherever she goes.  So generous, she is.  Madame, you must have been huffing IKE-rah furniture polish again because it's stupid to buy black cushions when you have a white cat.  And you are correct.  But at $9 we can wash them.  And flip them over.

Behind Charlemagne's throne is the start to my container garden!  Yippee!!  Next week we'll talk green things but I'm just happy I didn't kill anything yet.  Also, there are shiny things here.

Here's Mr. Bencho Box.  This fucker did indeed come in a box and I managed to get 80% of it built before I needed help!  I'm good with tools.

However, as we learned at the patio partio, Mr. Bencho Box has its limits and those limits are three partially drunk people who spent a few nervous minutes wondering if we might fall through the seat.  I like to think of it as added party drama.  You can't buy that kind of excitement at IKEA.  But I can buy a few more screws for support.

Fun fact that's fun only to me: found that seat cushion on Amazon made for another bench entirely but it fits mine so perfectly just like Miley Cyrus and whoever is her soul mate that she's marrying.  I love it when the universe is nice to me.

The universe was also nice by sending me a Hunter green pillow - yes, I'm bringing back that color because I look exceptional in it - from Home Decorator's - yes, I shopped there with no shame.  It's Sunbrella.  Fancy.

The Yellow stripe pillow and grey stripe pillow (not online) are from IKEA and are awesome.  Dirt cheap and everything can be unzipped and washed which is good in case you and a friend soil it with your love while on Mr. Bencho Box.  But remember, no threeways.  He can only handle two people at a time.

IKE-rah candle holders on the table. IKEA is the shit this year!

The two white tables were part of my vision from the beginning and after some tense negotiating I snagged them on the cheap out of storage from my office.  I just HAD to have a white coffee table otherwise my entire patio would be ruined and no one would come to my party and I'd lose all my friends and you'd find my mummified remains (covered in white cat hair) on Mr. Bencho Box in two years.

I know they are old West Elm tables though so perhaps Craigslist is your friend but he's not mine.  Chattavegas is shit for the list.

In an effort to both minimize the pastel and be friendly with the mint green of my house I decided to embrace the greenality.  So I spray painted this wicker stool I found at a thrift store and a few of the tins of citronella candles.  I must admit I'm really in love with this shade of greenality.  Maybe not more than hunter green but close...

It travels around...

Here are IKEA's Vago chair which makes me squee with plastic delight.  It's hard to find really contemporary outdoor items that are reasonably priced.  These things are $30 and you can clean them with a hose - I think I'm going to put them in my living room.  I already installed a drain in the floor there anyway...

And I don't care what you say about those tropical pillows because I'm so infinitely satisfied with them I'm deaf to your suffering.  They make me exceedingly happy. 

Oddly enough, I have more decorative throw pillows outside my house than inside.  I think the outside of my house is now more inviting than the inside.  Priorities.

Behind this plastic paradise is the second grouping of containers.  More on those next week.

To top it all off, I found this parrot tray at my favorite antique mall for $10 and just couldn't NOT buy it.  I'm not made of steel!

Just look at it!  Kicked those paradise pillows right in the balls.  It makes delightfully lewd gestures at my mint green siding when I'm not looking.  Mint green, peach and early 90s florals.  You can't go wrong with that.

The striping also makes me exceedingly happy.  You just can't go wrong with the parrots.  It's the best accessory on my patio.

Actually this thing is:

Don't be fooled.  She hasn't left that black cushion in five days except to roll in the dirt and have this picture made.  Whore for the camera.

So thanks to the magic powers of Instagram, here's what this place looks like at night:

It's hard to tell from the AWESOME filter I used but it really is nice after hours.  During regular hours it's pretty fucking nice if I'm being honest whilst patting myself on the back.  It's not perfect, there are things I'm already changing in my head but after years of living in patio squalor I'm pretty damn happy with how it turned out.  

I didn't have to settle for a grouping of bland outdoor matching furniture (that doesn't support gay marriage!) and for basically the same price I have a space that's definitely more Madame-tastic.  I haven't tallied the total but I think I'm near (fingers crossed)  my original budget of $750.  I probably went over because of all the damn pillows but you just can't snuggle properly without piles of polyester!

Those two damn ferns probably broke the budget too but hopefully they'll lure Zach Galifianakis over for the next patio partio.

You're all invited but we might need to get a Mrs. Bencho Box...

Everything but the kitchen sink... Part Uno.

We're about 90% done with the kitchen and this last 15% is nothing but the details.  Mies van der Rohe said God is in the details but I don't think he was talking about math or garbage disposals or undercabinet lighting because this shit is so zzzzzzz........  

............................................

Where am I??!!  Oh yeah.  Talking about unimportant things that if not done right become really really important but are really really boring to me because it's not about gorgeous tile and pretty things and I can't make Nick do this for me because I'm out of money to pay for his time and he won't accept cookies and "special" skyping sessions as payment I'm too anal retentive to give up all control.  But we're in the home stretch and I just need to adjust my newly found lady balls and start kicking ass and taking names.

But since we're so close I'm also not going to give you any more pictures because mwahahahaha!!  The next two posts are all the things that aren't sinks and countertops and cabinets and tile but are completely occupying my brain and making a Madame pretty cranky.  It's enough to drive someone deeper into the sauce. 

Lighting: 

I don't know shit about lighting.  Back in ye olde design school I had an award-winning lighting professor (there are awards for that shit?) that was a bit washed up and all I remember is staring at her facelift scars a lot when she actually showed up to class and wondering if she had a drinking problem.  Needless to say I don't know how to calculate lumens or candelas or what the difference is between them but I DO know that you should have layers of light.  I'm sure I didn't learn that in school either.  So the main light will be recessed lights as we've already seen.

I always thought recessed lights were a necessary evil but they are growing on me.  Especially when they are in such a purty formation.  I bought the cheap ass baffles at Home Depot because it all looks the same to me.  Y'all can edumicate in the comments if you're so inclined but I ain't buying $50 trim parts (which I'm sure look better) so you might be wasting your keystrokes.


The next layer is decorative accent lighting.  I think.  I'm making all this up as I go along...  I wanted two pendants over the windows - simple, sleek and non-invasive.  A few years ago when I was just having dirty fantasies about the kitchen remodel  I even drew what I wanted:

Should they be 'globes (chrome)' or 'chrome (globes)'...???  What about just 'globes with chrome' or 'chrome globes'...??  Lighting is hard.

I'm design psychic so when I found the ubiquitous-yet-reasonably-priced globe at West Elm I was sold!

Granted, now my kitchen will look like the checkout counter at a West Elm store but once you sketch something you're locked in forever. 

Then there's task lighting:  

Why do you make it so hard for me??????

This seems easy until I realized that having hardwired, dimmable and linkable undercabinet lighting might as well be the Holy Grail for how easy it is to find at a local Home Depot.  I should know - I went to three stores and still bought the wrong ones.  It's okay though because the electrician installed them wrong so we're even.  Now I'm waiting on the "correct" ones to be delivered to complete my trifecta of lighting awesomeness.  Everything is on a dimmer of course because I can't julienne without the appropriate ambiance.  I'm kidding.  I don't julienne I slap and chop of course.


Hardware:
I want simple slightly contemporary stuff.  Nothing crazy so should be easy right?!  Wrong.  Having taste that cannot be satisfied at a local big box store but a wallet that MUST be satisfied there is proving problematic.  Pretty much your only "contemporary" option is this:

Euro trash bar.

I think anyone who buys these handles needs to have one shoved up their ass sideways and then see how they feel about it.  I think a tiny round bar - no matter how long it is - is actually NOT comfortable to open a door with but maybe it's just my delicate angel hands are sensitive to such things.  They are also sensitive to poor design because that little overhang on each end makes me want to stab the designer with it.  Since it's so short it wouldn't be fatal but that's okay - I want them to suffer just like I do every time I look at those handles.  Or I could just beat them with it since it looks like a security guard's nightstick.  If I'm going to have hardware that looks like a weapon it's going to be nunchucks because motherfuckin DUH!  Or possibly like the knife-on-a-chain thing from Ninja Assassin although that might be hurtier on my hands than the Euro trash bar...

Since nunchuck hardware wasn't happening I really wanted something like this:

Pointy fabulosity.

Ahhhh....  So much better.  You might argue that a tiny square bar isn't much more hand-friendly that a tiny round one but I might also stab you with the end of the euro bar above.  But then I would agree with you because you're probably right.  Also, these don't exist at a price I can afford and the IKE-RA ones are made of aluminum and Nick said that was not ideal.

Something with a Swedish name. 

So I ended up with this.  It is from IKE-RA too but all in stainless steel so hopefully that will cancel out the, ya know, questionable IKE-RA craftsmanship a little. I like its square-y shape but it has a more ergonomic and comfortable curve on the inside where your hand rests.  Also, it's dirt cheap and easily available without ordering countless samples from the internet.  I like that.  It's a little clunky and I wish that this and the handle above it would get married and have a baby (because having hardware babies out of wedlock is wrong) but apparently the laws of the universe don't work like I want them to.  Newton's fourth law should be something about the force of a Madame's fabulosity should be equal to the amount of decorgasm-inducing swag received in return.  Oh - maybe it is and that's why I got this hardware...   

Moving on!!

I'll finish up this list of funness next time.  And that tingle you feel deep down?  Yeah, that's the squee that's building up for when you see the final reveal because the ModSauce kitchen is about to ignite your design loins on fiyah!!!  

Fresh highlights and manipulation are the real diplomats.

We have finally arrived at a solution to the Countertop Disaster of Epic Proportions of 2011 and All Time Ever from last week!  Drunk hugs to everyone for their support!  I’m giving you all the boring and dirty details not because I think you really care about my most important kitchen remodel of all time ever but it’s a lesson in problem solving and I’m nothing but a horrible warning amazing tool you can learn from.

'member?

So the morning after the gaping “incident” we met to discuss what the hell happened.   They (the owner and project manager who you’ve already met) told me the sink is slightly concave on all sides (uh… maybe that’s why it was on Overstock.com…??) and cutting a curve through an inch and a half of solid wood is kinda hard.  Uh yeah... no shit.  They assured me that the gaps could be filled with silicone because apparently they aren’t aware of the awesome power of glitternaise…  it’s the new duct tape!  Well it didn’t matter because the sink was sitting improperly so far back in the cabinet that the faucet couldn’t have been installed correctly and my 50 yr old windowsill would have been breathing down Venuto’s neck and Venuto does NOT like to be crowded y’all.  

Don't crowd a brotha.

Gaps aside, the major point of contention was that they felt like I told them where to place the sink therefore I’m at fault for its incorrect placement and should take responsibility for the fuck up.  There weren’t any instructions with the sink (nor were there any specs online) and despite the fact that I emailed pictures about how I would like for it to sit they neglected to pay attention to that or ask questions.  At one point I received a text that said “We’ve found the natural resting spot of the sink!” to which I replied “Go for it.”  Madame mistake #1.  In addition to not being at home for this because, ya know, I was working and shit, I ordered the sink four months ago and hadn’t opened the box which is really dumb and unlike me since I’m the type of Madame that will rip open a new Sephora box with the ferocity of a rabid make-up slut in desperate need of some under eye cream.  You do not get between a Madame in need of fixing her under eye circles and her overpriced lotions.  So I didn’t know the “resting place” of the sink but apparently agreed to it via text with the company owner.  I guess the texting magic only exists between my project manager and myself.  Le sigh…

At first it was sitting on that tiny lip inside the cabinet box.  This is how it looks now.

Turns out the “resting place” is really just the extended facing of the sink which you can see above but because they had never installed a sink like this they didn’t know.   Let’s all just blame Overstock and their lack of diagrams but ridonkulously low prices and $2.95 shipping for this one.

If they could cut everything correctly I agreed to allow them to piece together the counter using leftover wood to make two side pieces and a back piece just to speed things along.  Madame mistake #2!  I wasn’t happy about this but two tiny seams seemed like something I could live with at the time.   It’s only a few inches right?!  I’m not that high maintenance and demanding am I??!!!  ANSWER ME!!!  So fast forward two days through some sleepless nights and an embarrassing number of distraught phone calls to Saint Nick (heeeyy!!!) and they still hadn’t cut it right.  Then I really had to grow a pair and told them I would be willing to drive to Atlanta (I like big city shopping and cinnamon rolls!) to pick up a new piece but they would have to pay for it.  Seemed reasonable to me.  Mr. Owner Contractor suddenly decided to grow a backbone and said no because in trying to follow his customer’s exact wishes (thanks a lot, stupid text message) he still wasn’t at fault for the sink placement and I was being too picky about the side gaps because in the end I would never notice them.  *screeeeecchhh*  Stop the music y'all.  Fuck.  You.   Don’t tell me what I will or will not notice.   I’m noticing it NOW.   A very heated 7 AM discussion ensued and still no resolution.

*eye-motherfuckin-roll* This has gone on long enough - I’m tired of their bullshit, tired of my surprising inability to find my balls in this situation and want to get the project moving again.  I will get the counter I want regardless of how it happens.  I have to live with this shit FOREVER!  If these guys couldn’t figure it out then I would micromanage until they wanted to slit their wrists or call someone who knows how to use a damn saw.  I called Nick and Queen of IKE-RA Becky of Ecomod again to learn exactly how they will cut the counters and what saws to use, what tolerance I would accept, how to finish the edges, how to fix the cabinet below the sink and the consequences if they didn’t follow through this time.  

Me draw good.

I did more soul searching (yes over a damn countertop), went to the salon and refreshed my highlights and felt bolstered in the way only a girl’s stylist can provide.  It was time to put on my big girl panties.  They looked great with my fresh highlights of course.  

By now I was confident that I was not going to live with halfassmanship or those seams at the back of the sink.  They weren’t just unfortunate design details at this point but giant chasms filled with food crumbs and my self-loathing and I really don’t want all that drama staring back at me when I do the dishes.  I hate doing dishes enough as it is!  So I was going to get the countertop I wanted regardless of price - monetary or emotional.  I would have to do horrible, horrible things.  I called Mr. Owner Contractor again for a civil discussion where there was so much petting of his construction skills and stroking of his ego that I think I have a friction burn.  He was so happy to see that I had “decided” to compromise (we’re both paying for the new top which I still had to pick up) that we were both laughing and joking and bestest friends again at the end of the convo because I may not be ballsy at the right time but gawddamn I’m exceptionally good at being nice.  But now I feel so dirty on the inside.  So we are a team now which is how I felt we always were supposed to be rather than the "customer is always right" dictator that they felt I always was but, in fact, forced me to be.  There is some serious mind fucking going on here!

In the end it doesn’t matter that I’m right and awesome and that you all 100% agree that I’m right and awesome because being right and awesome doesn’t get shit done.  So I’m out about $100 and a trip to Atlanta to pick up a new countertop.  Big fucking deal.  MY ego is not so big that I can’t swallow some pride about a small detail for some dudes I barely know.  I do not want them to be pissy as they finish the rest of the project either.  The stroking continues… 

But it worked because look at it now:

That's a sexy tight fit.  Even my monkey toes agree. 

I know I should have demanded this on the first day but I'm not unreasonable and understand that oopsies happen and tried to make the best out of their mistake even if they were resistant.  They should have just owned up to their mistakes in the beginning since it's not my job to tell them how to do their job.  I really need to work on this second guessing problem I have...  People say that I’m the one with the money so therefore I’m in charge and should get what I want when they mess up.  That sounds logical and rational but that's not how the real world works and if everyone was logical and rational all the time we'd never get to enjoy watching celebrities self destruct.  Although maybe having Chris Brown as a threatening back up may have helped...  However, just because I have money doesn’t actually give me leverage.  I’m the one in need of their services and they can leave at any time (regardless of the contract we signed) because we're both even at this point - they have 80% of my money and I have 80% of a kitchen.    Neither party is going to sue over 20% of this tiny project.  They already have other projects lined up so they could easily move on to something else if they wanted and leave mine unfinished.  It happens all the time - it’s happened to me before and most of friends too and we are all filthy rich!  I don't think they are the type of guys to do something like that but we were at an impasse so something or somebody had to change.   I chose me and I'm fine with that.  As a customer with no real means of recourse it often feels like I’m bent over a counter where I’m forced to take one for the team WHILE I stare at the giant gaps of their poor craftsmanship and pretend to like it.

But not anymore!!

Fortunately, their early resistance was smoothed over rather easily once we "compromised" and they realized I wasn't trying to cheat them out of the $180 bajillions of dollars for the countertop made of diamonds and dreams.   I continue to charm them with my hilarious jokes and ego stroking because I ain't dumb!  We are really close to being done and I want them to FINISH WELL!!!  I still bring them breakfast and use my biggest happy face and they are back to being super nice and taking out the trash and mopping my floors.  They are also making cutting boards out of all the leftover wood!  Guess what you're all getting for Christmas this year?!

There are more developments and things are looking hot!  After almost 4 days of doing nothing last week we are still on schedule and will be done probably by the end of this week.  If this is the most traumatic thing in my life during this remodel I'm still doing pretty damn good.   In the grand scheme of things this is nothing and maybe I needed to buy some perspective last week during my over-dramatic angst.   Do they sell that on Overstock?