Thursday, December 12, 2013

Straight from the ModSauce secret underground laboratory: the best natural body scrub on the internet!

Alert the Pinterest Gawddesses on high because I have an epic project that will make you squee your panties something fierce.  And I invented it.  Completely.  I probably shouldn't even be telling you this and instead be busy jarring this stuff to sell at the local market where I'll be making jizzillions of dollars in a few weeks time.

Magic is in this lowly IKEA jar, y'all.
Last Fall several things happened in a perfect storm of unfortunate events that led me to create such a masterpiece.  

#1: I was eating a LOT of salsa.  I mean, ALOT LOT.  Several jars a week were disappearing due to my apparent undiagnosed lycopene deficiency.  My recycling pile was getting embarrassing and loud with so many glass jars that looked like a perfect size for something if only I could figure out what...

#2 Apparently lycopene does nothing for your skin because I'm a big scaly mess of lizard skin every winter.  Thanks, turning 30.

#3: I was (am currently and always will be) poor.  Probably from buying so much salsa.  I was also out of my favorite $45 salt scrub to help with scaly lizard skin.  I say 'favorite' like it's something I bought all the time when really it happened once and it lasted me over a year because I was too scared to even use it because it was so amazing.

So cue cartoonish light bulb moment of me standing over my recycle bin with scaly elbows hugging a tiny container with the dregs of a fantastic body scrub...


Cast of Saucy Characters (or in this case, Salty Characters) *wink*

Now, I know you're thinking that there are already a shit ton of recipes for body scrubs on Pinterest so why is mine so amazing?  Other than the fact that I made it, the secret ingredient is vegetable glycerine.  Now all my secrets are out!  You can quit reading.  

Just kidding.

Don't do like those other recipes and create a shower of impending death by using slippery oil like olive or almond or whatever.  Yeah, it takes away the lizard skin but the reason my $45 a tub scrub was so amazing was because it was non-greasy and washed away clean from the tub.  So I put my powers of deductive reasoning hat on and read the fucking ingredients on the back of the container.

You can buy a gallon of vegetable glycerin on Amazon for $45.  That's right, a gallon.  Hear that overpriced scrub?!  You'll be set for life with a gallon.  (Or buy a smaller one if you're a scared punk ass.)  I actually got my gallon half price at my local vitamin shop because someone special ordered it then forgot to pick it up.  Your loss, sucka.

I have heard some people are allergic to vegetable glycerin or it breaks them out so try a small bottle first.  Coconut oil will sometimes make me break out but this won't so... experiment

Next up: salt.  The SURPRISE ingredient in salt scrub.  

I guess you can use regular table salt but in trying to be as economical as possible I bought some in bulk.

I already used up the 5 lb bag...
My local Asian market had plenty of bulk sea salt options at dirt cheap prices - I think this was $2.  I'm not sure what a person needs with this much salt but I think I've seen a fish baked in salt before so that?  I probably wouldn't recommend using used fish salt in your scrub unless you want your cat to get real friendly with you.

Even this fine sea salt was a bit larger than particles in my fancy salt scrub and still kinda course for my delicate angel skin so I had to do some salt research.  I now have a PhD in internet salting.  Dr. Salt to you.  (Dr. Salt is the Jekyll to my Madame Sunday.  Or is it the other way around...?  Fuck literature, I'm about salt and smooth skin now.)

Anyway, I learned that popcorn and nut salt is the finest of salts.  You're welcome.

I could only find it at Amazon and it's definitely more expensive than salt from the Asian market.  Feel free to use whatever kind of salt your delicate angel skin can handle.  If you want all popcorn salt then more power to you, fancy rich person.  You're one step up from fish head salt but still a thousand times cheaper than that fancy tub of expensive perfumed salt.

The last item in this very complicated scavenger hunt of a list is smell good things.

Photo from here but go to town at Amazon or Whole Foods, yo.
This part is up to you because this is America and we believe in freedom here.  Freedom and cheap bulk Asian salt.  Hell, you don't even really need a scent but let's not get too crazy here.

I originally used my favorite holiday scent of orange and clove and now have bottles that I have to use up so I'll be using that scent FOREVER.  I think I'm the only person who likes this combo as a body product so sorry to everyone that I gave these to as Christmas presents, birthday presents, graduation presents, sorry you're having some really bad PMS presents, congratulations you got sexted real good presents, etc.

Another option is to use those perfume oils from head shops which I totally wear a lot instead of regular spray perfume so don't judge.  Your salt scrub can smell like Buddha's Everlasting Rainstorm of Patchouli if you are so inclined because I incline.  I incline so hard for Buddha.

That's the long version of my salt scrub journey.  The short version is this:

Most Amazingest Non Greasy Salt Scrub Recipe For Angel Butt Smooth Skin On The Cheap:

2.5 cups of salt (I use 1 cup of popcorn salt, 1.5 cups of fine sea salt.  I have a lot of sea salt to use up...)

1 cup of vegetable glycerin (make it easy - use the same dry measuring cup)

4-5 drops of orange oil

barely 1 drop of clove oil if you dare

Um... stir that shit together. DONE.

Maybe I'll throw in some vanilla next time...

You know the drill - rub it all over your sexy bod-ay  and dry skin before you get wet in the shower.  

Disclaimer: One, I repeat ONE, grain of salt can do serious damage to a nipple if you aren't paying attention so maybe not scrub while you are practicing Work, Bitch dance movies.

Some settling will occur in the jar because of, you know, gravity.  Just think of it as natural peanut butter.  If some salt settles in the crack of your ass, that's on you, friend, not physics.

So all of this fits EXACTLY in a salsa jar because my life just works out nicely like that.  However, I probably would avoid the salsa jar because the enamel outdoor spray paint I used for the lids still scraped off where you tighten the lid after a few uses.  It's not a perfect seal either as we learned Christmas morning on the couch...  probably my weak biceps were the real problem.

Fortunately, it also EXACTLY fits into a 16ish oz jar of any kind - I've been using the Korken from IKE-Rah because it's cheap and has a real seal.  You Pinterest mason jar enthusiasts are foaming at the mouth just begging for a reason to use a jar anyway so that'd work too.

If you're loving the way of the DIY master, I would highly recommend After Plumcake's instructions for a body butter made of raw shea butter or cocoa butter.  I'm addicted to shea butter but don't really have time to chisel that out every morning - this recipe makes it smooth and whipped and delightful.

Sorry if this is too late for THIS Christmas but I've been too busy caressing my salt-smoothed skin.  I feel like a salty earth maiden... maybe I'll bathe in mud next.

Stay tuned for special mud bath fizzies next time!


  1. I've never heard of vegetable glycerin so thanks for the tip. I make my own body scrub using sugar (glycolic acid, yo!), honey, lemon, essential oils, green tea, and olive oil, which is super oily and makes my bath dirty, so I'll be hunting down some vegetable glycerin stat. I've heard that coffee grounds are great as well.

    1. Oooh thanks for your recipe! I have some African black honey that I want to try in there too but haven't yet - I figured this was the basic recipe then people could go from there. I hope you like the vegetable glycerin!

      Off to experiment more in my lab! Mwahahaha!

    2. Can I highly recommend against coffee grounds? Yeah, they scrub beautifully, and you get to reuse something you'd otherwise throw out, but damn does it make a mess out of your shower.

      I now need vegetable glycerin. Because I love the oil scrubs, but I hate cleaning up.

    3. Good to know - thanks for the tip, Mark Kate! I'm still experimenting and also use K-cups so coffee grounds may not work. ; )

      I despise cleaning but really like smooth skin so I think this is gonna work great for you! Good luck!

  2. Thanks for the handy pinterest ready graphic because I totally used it to save this. I also have a jar of fancy $45 body scrub that was gifted to me by my best friend, who can't use it because it makes her body too slippery for pole dancing, and I use, like, a pinky nail-full once every two weeks because I am scared to blow through it because seriously, $45?! Even though it is amazing?!

    This is a long way of saying that I am excited for this and also for special mud bath fizzies. Make me beautiful, Madame Sauce!

    1. Yeah, fuck this $45 tub of scrub shit. It works but I think I can buy more cocaine for that price.

      Check out the comment right above yours for even more beautifying tips! I want to make us all smooth and beautiful but for zero dollars!!

      PS I feel like there's some kind of 'The Beheld' type essay about beauty products interfering with sports/life/pole dancing but I'm not smart enough to write it.

  3. The more pinterested I ever get it's when I pour some vitamin E oil drops in my bottle of Hinds cheap body moisturizing. Scrubs are in a completely different league.

    1. Ahh... look at you with your secret vitamin E tips! I'm probably gonna steal it!

  4. So THAT'S how they make it. I always wondered how those oil free salt scrubs were made ... and here I've been whining about how I "could really use some salt scrub" and dropping mad hints and I know the hubster did not get it for Christmas and I need some serious exfoliation by this point, man. I even know where I can buy the glycerin in bulk (BOMB!). I might forget to finish packing up my gifts and just spend all day tomorrow making salt scrub. AWESOME!

    1. My local vitamin/health food store had it (I know mine could special order things too so ask about that) but also I linked to Amazon up above so check that out. I'm an Amazon fanatic.

      Good luck! Make some for you and your family and friends - every person I know got some salt scrub in the last 12 months. Wheeee!!

  5. For those who still want to use oils in your homemade body scrub, Cromollient is a reasonably cheap emollient/emusifier that makes oil water soluble. You only have to use a small amount (5-10%) to make a scrub that rinses completely. No gross oily skin and no shower o' death.