Straight from the ModSauce secret underground laboratory: the best natural body scrub on the internet!

Alert the Pinterest Gawddesses on high because I have an epic project that will make you squee your panties something fierce.  And I invented it.  Completely.  I probably shouldn't even be telling you this and instead be busy jarring this stuff to sell at the local market where I'll be making jizzillions of dollars in a few weeks time.

Magic is in this lowly IKEA jar, y'all.

Last Fall several things happened in a perfect storm of unfortunate events that led me to create such a masterpiece.  

#1: I was eating a LOT of salsa.  I mean, ALOT LOT.  Several jars a week were disappearing due to my apparent undiagnosed lycopene deficiency.  My recycling pile was getting embarrassing and loud with so many glass jars that looked like a perfect size for something if only I could figure out what...

#2 Apparently lycopene does nothing for your skin because I'm a big scaly mess of lizard skin every winter.  Thanks, turning 30.

#3: I was (am currently and always will be) poor.  Probably from buying so much salsa.  I was also out of my favorite $45 salt scrub to help with scaly lizard skin.  I say 'favorite' like it's something I bought all the time when really it happened once and it lasted me over a year because I was too scared to even use it because it was so amazing.

So cue cartoonish light bulb moment of me standing over my recycle bin with scaly elbows hugging a tiny container with the dregs of a fantastic body scrub...

I'M MAKING MY OWN SALT SCRUB, MOTHERFUCKERS!!

Cast of Saucy Characters (or in this case, Salty Characters) *wink*

Now, I know you're thinking that there are already a shit ton of recipes for body scrubs on Pinterest so why is mine so amazing?  Other than the fact that I made it, the secret ingredient is vegetable glycerine.  Now all my secrets are out!  You can quit reading.  

Just kidding.

Don't do like those other recipes and create a shower of impending death by using slippery oil like olive or almond or whatever.  Yeah, it takes away the lizard skin but the reason my $45 a tub scrub was so amazing was because it was non-greasy and washed away clean from the tub.  So I put my powers of deductive reasoning hat on and read the fucking ingredients on the back of the container.

You can buy a gallon of vegetable glycerin on Amazon for $45.  That's right, a gallon.  Hear that overpriced scrub?!  You'll be set for life with a gallon.  (Or buy a smaller one if you're a scared punk ass.)  I actually got my gallon half price at my local vitamin shop because someone special ordered it then forgot to pick it up.  Your loss, sucka.

I have heard some people are allergic to vegetable glycerin or it breaks them out so try a small bottle first.  Coconut oil will sometimes make me break out but this won't so... experiment

Next up: salt.  The SURPRISE ingredient in salt scrub.  

I guess you can use regular table salt but in trying to be as economical as possible I bought some in bulk.

I already used up the 5 lb bag...

My local Asian market had plenty of bulk sea salt options at dirt cheap prices - I think this was $2.  I'm not sure what a person needs with this much salt but I think I've seen a fish baked in salt before so that?  I probably wouldn't recommend using used fish salt in your scrub unless you want your cat to get real friendly with you.

Even this fine sea salt was a bit larger than particles in my fancy salt scrub and still kinda course for my delicate angel skin so I had to do some salt research.  I now have a PhD in internet salting.  Dr. Salt to you.  (Dr. Salt is the Jekyll to my Madame Sunday.  Or is it the other way around...?  Fuck literature, I'm about salt and smooth skin now.)

Anyway, I learned that popcorn and nut salt is the finest of salts.  You're welcome.

I could only find it at Amazon and it's definitely more expensive than salt from the Asian market.  Feel free to use whatever kind of salt your delicate angel skin can handle.  If you want all popcorn salt then more power to you, fancy rich person.  You're one step up from fish head salt but still a thousand times cheaper than that fancy tub of expensive perfumed salt.

The last item in this very complicated scavenger hunt of a list is smell good things.

Photo from here but go to town at Amazon or Whole Foods, yo.

This part is up to you because this is America and we believe in freedom here.  Freedom and cheap bulk Asian salt.  Hell, you don't even really need a scent but let's not get too crazy here.

I originally used my favorite holiday scent of orange and clove and now have bottles that I have to use up so I'll be using that scent FOREVER.  I think I'm the only person who likes this combo as a body product so sorry to everyone that I gave these to as Christmas presents, birthday presents, graduation presents, sorry you're having some really bad PMS presents, congratulations you got sexted real good presents, etc.

Another option is to use those perfume oils from head shops which I totally wear a lot instead of regular spray perfume so don't judge.  Your salt scrub can smell like Buddha's Everlasting Rainstorm of Patchouli if you are so inclined because I incline.  I incline so hard for Buddha.

That's the long version of my salt scrub journey.  The short version is this:

Most Amazingest Non Greasy Salt Scrub Recipe For Angel Butt Smooth Skin On The Cheap:

2.5 cups of salt (I use 1 cup of popcorn salt, 1.5 cups of fine sea salt.  I have a lot of sea salt to use up...)

1 cup of vegetable glycerin (make it easy - use the same dry measuring cup)

4-5 drops of orange oil

barely 1 drop of clove oil if you dare

Um... stir that shit together. DONE.

Maybe I'll throw in some vanilla next time...

You know the drill - rub it all over your sexy bod-ay  and dry skin before you get wet in the shower.  

Disclaimer: One, I repeat ONE, grain of salt can do serious damage to a nipple if you aren't paying attention so maybe not scrub while you are practicing Work, Bitch dance movies.

Some settling will occur in the jar because of, you know, gravity.  Just think of it as natural peanut butter.  If some salt settles in the crack of your ass, that's on you, friend, not physics.

So all of this fits EXACTLY in a salsa jar because my life just works out nicely like that.  However, I probably would avoid the salsa jar because the enamel outdoor spray paint I used for the lids still scraped off where you tighten the lid after a few uses.  It's not a perfect seal either as we learned Christmas morning on the couch...  probably my weak biceps were the real problem.

Fortunately, it also EXACTLY fits into a 16ish oz jar of any kind - I've been using the Korken from IKE-Rah because it's cheap and has a real seal.  You Pinterest mason jar enthusiasts are foaming at the mouth just begging for a reason to use a jar anyway so that'd work too.

If you're loving the way of the DIY master, I would highly recommend After Plumcake's instructions for a body butter made of raw shea butter or cocoa butter.  I'm addicted to shea butter but don't really have time to chisel that out every morning - this recipe makes it smooth and whipped and delightful.

Sorry if this is too late for THIS Christmas but I've been too busy caressing my salt-smoothed skin.  I feel like a salty earth maiden... maybe I'll bathe in mud next.

Stay tuned for special mud bath fizzies next time!