Hanna and Carrie Underwood in a battle to the death...

I know y'all are in the holiday spirit after seeing Carrie Underwood awkwardly yodel vomit in a flat Southern accent all over your tv screen but I need some additional help.  It was 71 degrees here today and Santa may have to deliver gifts Pecos Bill style because this shit ain't natural.

here

In the spirit of the poor abused children of the Von Trapp family, here are a few of my favorite winter things.  That is, in addition to the obvious things like Cyber Monday shopping while sitting in a bathtub of eggnog of course.

here

This year I'm feeling like I want to trade in my 10,000 watt sparkle for a more subdued Nordic craftsmaiden-look that's made of snow and sweaters and fur muffs

here

Like Hanna except if she was really into yarn crafts instead of shooting guns.  

here

here

I'm becoming increasingly obsessed with winter white and I give no fucks.  It's like having Charlemagne on every surface and ain't nothing wrong with that.

here

here

here

Where I sit while I whittle your Christmas dildos.  

here

I want to live here then remember my cartoon face and clown body would be positively grotesque in such a frosty wonderland of subtlety.  But a clown cartoon can still dream...

here

*stares wistfully out window longing to be a Norwegian ice princess*

here

here

It's like a winter wonderland in my heart right now...

here

This tree has so much restraint that it's physical painful for me.

here

here

here

here

Damn, I just want to chop wood and knit a giant blanket to cover the entire gayborhood and forage in the woods for gift toppers.  

I've had a genius idea this year:  I love Christmas crafting but ran out of time to do anything because time goes faster in 2013.  SO I'm going to craft all kinds of goodies and then pack them away for NEXT YEAR!  Then when I open up my Christmas boxes next year it's like actual Christmas presents!  Because they'll be new... and the things...  with the shiny...

Shit, I don't have a lot of exciting things going on in my life for this holiday so crafting for the future is pretty much it.

here

BUT I'm pretty excited about my wrapping sooo... there's that to save me from abject misery!  All my wrapping is grey and white and beige this year.  Possibly a little red if I feel like whoring it up for baby Jeezus.  I have a hard time with restraint thing as we've talked about.

here

Even J. Crew is agreeing with my color palette.  This lady will probably fit entirely under my tree.  Or I can have her hand out your perfectly wrapped holiday dildos.  

here

here

here

Probably the best thing I've ever seen.  I'm gonna have my J. Crew model go create this in my backyard.  She'll be fine.  It's 70 here, remember?

here

Is that a tiny adorable paper tree?!  Welp, can't wait to find that next year while unpacking my Christmas goodies.

here

I see your wrapping game is on point this year.  I will not fail you, friends and family and other people I don't really care about but still want to impress with my wrapping 

here

Shut up, you know you're making that this weekend.  

here

here

I think this is the longest post in history but I got really excited about foggy pine trees and snowy rooftops and sweet Maddie.  Charlemagne gets cranky when I try to swathe her in greenery so I gotta get my fix on the internet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bathtub to fill with eggnog and an Amazon cart that won't fill itself.