I'm a member of the Illuminati now.

If you've followed me for a hot minute you know that I'm a Beyonce fan.  Nay, I'm a stan.  I'm a proud member of the Beyhive, secret agent of the Beygency, loyal servant to my High Priestess of the Sparkle Leotard.  

If you're already rolling your eyes you might want to skip this post.

I've always had a special place in my heart for her since we are roughly the same age, both Virgos and enjoy taking glam to one step above what the situation might warrant.  I always knew her concerts were amazing and halfheartedly tried to see her last summer on the Mrs. Carter World Tour but it never happened.  

But then she dropped that album in December and shit got real.  I HAD to be in her presence.  I told myself I was going to see her next tour no matter what.  And when the On the Run tour was announced there was no question that I would give her all my money (up to $125) so I could bask in her glow in person (from more than a football field length away).

To prepare myself I began to abstain from all things Knowles-Carter-related about a month before the show: no music, no tour gifs, no Buzzfeed lists, nothing.  I needed to become a temporary born-again Beyonce virgin before the honeymoon.  

The day before the show my uterus had some plans of its own but I literally shut that shit down using willpower and verbal abuse.  I can't be bothered with such corporeal nonsense during such a spiritual experience.  My uterine lining was literally too scared to come out of my body.

Next I gathered an appropriate outfit.  I was not there to peacock around and distract from the star, I was there to sweat and act a fool and walk a mile from the hotel to get to the Georgia Dome in comfortable shoes.  

Pretty much what I look like all the time.

And I chose wisely.  I can't tell you how many girls I saw in uncomfortable latex and spandex and other -ex clothes with sweaty boobage spilling out the side hobbling through downtown Atlanta wearing house shoes or flip flops while their boyfriends carried their stilettos.  I have to respect their commitment to their freakum dresses because I saw more ass cheeks than I ever thought possible during the sunlight.  

I also didn't want to have my weak, mortal body disrupt the show so after a few cocktails with dinner I abstained from all liquids about an hour before the show started.  I could not allow my bladder to interrupt the night.  

We finally got to our far away seats and waited for the Queen.  For almost an hour.  I guess when you're royalty time is of no concern to you.  I was pretty sure I was going to cry at the mere sight of her so waiting probably worked out better for me as it calmed my nerves a bit and we could find the wifi signal.  

While we waited "This is not real life" was displayed on the large screens in case we were confused about this being an alternate universe of magnificence.  Finally the lights went down and my life finally had purpose.  Over artistically edited video "Move That Dope" started playing and I knew they were going to come HARD tonight.

Then the screens parted and they made their entrance it was everything you would hope.  

Screaming, vibrating, earth-shattering Beyness and a very large smoke machine.  

Oh and Jay Z.

I kinda forget that Jay Z is JAY FUCKING Z.  

We started with 'Bonnie and Clyde' and followed their "relationship" throughout their respective discographies - hot outlaw sex on a platter, diva power, hustling, more nasty fucking, some religious stuff, then they got married, then someone *cough* cheated, now they've forgive each other again as 'On the Run' reminded us that they are the ultimate outlaws and Bey looks way hotter in a ski mask than I ever could.

They did not disappoint.  Not for one second did I feel like I could have gone to the bathroom.

If you can imagine the excitement of the Superbowl half time show except they scrubbed away all the sweetness (Kelly) and light (Michelle) and threw in some Tarantino then you have On The Run.

It's like every Beyonce gif of perfection came to life for 2.5 hours of non stop hair-tossing, ass-shaking, dirty, gritty, boss bitch action.  If you want to know why your fun little Bootylicious girl is now the queen of the world then this is it.

here

And this.

You don't think as a grown-ass human being that you will scream for another woman's ass when it appears on a giant jumbotron screen but you will, my friend.  You will.

I wish that I had been closer so I could have really lost my shit amongst my fellow superfans where it would have been normal.  Instead I was so high up that I was afraid to dance in case I fall straight down to meet my doom or embarrass the people taking selfies.

So close yet so far...

But I did throw my diamond up very discreetly a few times.  I know they felt it.  There's a special light that shines when a white girl throws up a diamond - it's like the Care Bear Stare.  It's full of hugs and cheer.  

Say what you will about these two but I have mad amounts of respect for their artistic vision.  Collaborating with your spouse - who happens to be the best in the world a at what they do - to create the ultimate fantasy of love, death, sex and adventure and do it successfully is a pretty legendary thing. 

It's the apex of storytelling and gangsta shit backed with some fuck hard bass beats.

At the end they let us know that play time was over and that "This is real life" as their secret home moves were revealed on the jumbotron.   Wedding clips and Blue Ivy giggles and matching tattoos and family stuff played on screen while the royal couple stood on stage arm in arm while Beyonce sang Halo to the baby and we all cried.  

I don't give a fuck how carefully it was all orchestrated you can't look at someone's baby and not feel like part of the family.  It was worth my movie ticket price.  Whether you paid $100 or $1000 you got your money's worth.

So all 50,000 of us dried our tears (and put slippers back on if necessary) and made the walk back to the hotel safe in the knowledge that baby Blue Ivy is angel and that your life is forever changed from watching Yonce grind on some chairs.

I may have been spiritually complete but after not having had any water in five hours and screaming in hysteria for most of that I was physically depleted and possibly already hungover.  I was not able to form coherent sentences and may have even been in a trance.  I'm not sure.  

What I AM sure of is that at about 4 in the morning all of my corporeal needs returned with a vengeance.  I could only hold our for so long.

Not only did I exhaust myself, I exhausted my camera battery taking shitty pictures and video that are useless.  This is totally fine because I've spent the last week rewatching the tour from OTHER people's clips and pictures.  But not any show - the ATLANTA show.  I ain't here for your shit, Miami.

I strongly recommend that you listen to the The Read's recap of the concert because it is 700 times more entertaining than mine even if you hate Beyonce.  I listened to it twice because they GET IT.  I also listened to their review of Beyonce's album release in December again because I can't get enough.  Nostalgia and all.

If you haven't read the numerous lists out on the internet yet here are some of my personal highlights from the show:

- Those wind machines aren't just for show.  After Beyonce finished a set and we waited for Jay Z to perform I could see Beyonce bend down on the side of the stage outside of the spotlight and wipe off sweat with towel after towel and throw them into the audience.  Sometimes people bring her towels just for this reason.  Don't nobody ever say she don't love her fans.

- I love when Bey gets angry and starts cussing (The Read mentions this too).  Nothing brings me greater joy than hearing sweet little Beyonce screams "MOTHERFUCKER" while pretending to rob a bank.  Or when she gets indignant and  yells "I'M RICH!" or gestures to her fine ass while talking shit about another woman that's trying to take her man.  Ring the alarm, indeed.

- The bevy of costumes was spectacular as to be expected (read more on each outfit on her Tumblr like here with Project Runway alum Michael Costello or this Diesel outfit), but one of my favorites was her American flag train that she closed the show with.  It was actually a shirt tied around her waist (so badass) but it felt beyond luxurious and of course looked marvelous billowing in front of the wind machine.  Bitch knows how to hit her mark.

here

- Although I wasn't truly there for Jay Z every time a song came on I remembered "oh yeah, this shit is fucking amazing!"  Everything from Magna Carta deserves to be listened to (and rapped along with) in a stadium.  It's that big.  Fuckwithmeyouknowigotit.  *dead*

- Flawless was on of my favorite live numbers.  Gahtdamn.  She wore a Versace bodysuit and a helmet with a gold mohawk.  I have no words.  It made no sense and yet all the sense in the world.

here

However, sitting in a completely dark venue with nothing but Chimamanda Adichie's words about feminism flashing on a giant screen to thousands of rapt people felt pretty fucking powerful and I may have choked up slightly. 

- This fine couple really knows how to do other people's music.  Beyonce did Lauryn Hill's Ex-Factor while we sang every word and then we all lost our collective shit with a Michael Jackson sample in Love on Top.  She sang Justin Timberlake's part of Holy Grail better than he did. Jay Z rapped a bit of Bun B's verse in Big Pimpin and *I* lost my shit but I'm just incredibly partial to that bit, you illiterate sonofabitch.

- I go crazy for Beyonce's over-the-top, sometimes-syncopated dancing ESPECIALLY when she does street dance moves.  But when she dropped the Nae Nae IN Atlanta during 'Diva' people went bananas.  By people I mean ME.

See the full gif set here

- Jay Z doesn't need another living soul to perform with, he's got his funky and expressive hands and that's enough.

- After some drama with my original Bey buddy I had to find someone to take my extra ticket the night before the show.  Fortunately my friends and the Knowles-Carter angel posse found a replacement.  My new date was only moderately fond of Beyonce but was very understanding when I ignored him for three hours during the show.  But in the end I made a new friend.  We have a special bond no one can break.  On the Run brings people together, y'all.

- Partly what made this show so much fun to watch is that you could tell they were having fun too.  No sourpusses allowed.  We're here to party.  Drunk In Love in Atlanta - they were so cute right at the end.

here

- Les Twins.  Beyonce usually only performs with her all-ladyperson band and backup dancers except for twin brothers who happen to be French models.  Because DUH.  And they were truly spectacular and I would totally break my only-ladies-allowed policy for them too.

All images in this post by Rob Hoffman unless otherwise noted.  More of his ATL pics here.

- Towards the end of the show a very passionate fan about five seats over from me began screaming his love for Beyonce at the top of his lungs for about half an hour.  Since she was about the size of an ant to us his impassioned pleas fell on deaf ears.  Except ours.  But he kept screaming he loved her because "SHE HAD TO KNOW."  

We all laughed but we were all screaming just like him on the inside.  Bravo to you, sir.  You said what we all felt anyway.

The HBO documentary of the concert is coming in September so for all you closet Yonce fans reading (I KNOW you're out there) you can witness the event too.

I'll be watching it nightly before bed until Blue Ivy's concert footage leaks.

Cloudy with a chance of elegance.

Time for another installment of "What's Happening In My Bedroom ReSaucificaiton 2014?"!!

I'm not gonna lie I have no idea how punctuation works in a situation like that so please just politely nod, process my excitement and continue.

First things first, to round up the week (or ten days...) of good things happening Yonce, the Shining Gawddess of Light and Wind Machines, decided to bless me with a gift.

Nicest thing ever.  I got a little teary...

Can you even believe it?!  It's a vintage Moroccan wedding blanket straight from Marrakech that's been reincarnated into a pillow and is now living at the Ranch and makes my heart burst with joy.

*UPDATE:  I was wrong!  This pillow was not FROM a wedding blanket, it was made specifically for the bride's bed as is.  It's a wedding pillow!  I didn't even know that happened so I learned something new today!  

*SECOND UPDATE: Is it weird that I smelled it?

Look, the sequins even have a wonderful patina... 

Are you dying? I'm dying.

Squeed so hard.  I love the texture and shine and hint of color and it's gonna look so flipping suh-WEET on my bed.  Which I will absolutely want to actually make now so I can look at it.

Thank you so, so much to M and y'all please check out Red Thread Souk where this beauty came from. (Not a sponsored plug of any kind, just a friend.)

Man, I really gotta step up my game now.  We's fancy up in herr!

Now onto things that I cannot rely on the altruism of others for, I've FINALLY started painting my new old nightstand.  You may remember this $3 find?

I've spent all my time and energy working in the yard lately so the last thing I wanted to do was come inside and work more.  But thanks to a rainy weekend I could get down to bidness.  

Which was this:

I mean, it was $3.  So I spent a few days patching and sanding the big holes and when I was done I discovered about a dozen more but those are staying as "character."  Sigh...

I set up shop in the corner of my living room because if I'm going to spend hours working at least I can watch tv while I'm doing it.  [Read: I'm super fucking lazy and can't spend an hour alone without being entertained.]

In addition to the nightstand I decided to paint one of those West Elm lacquer trays you see up there on the right.  (I got it at a yard sale a few years ago I think?)  It was cheap and useful but that blue color is the most awkward shade ever.  It's like cornflower meets Sesame Street but sadder.  

If Indigo was castrated, this is the color it would be.

If mold got turnt up, this is the color it would be.

Normally I don't sand shit before I prime it but since this was so shiny I figured I had to.  So I got out my orbital sander and kinda half-assed took off its shiny, smug awkwardness.

Honestly, even though I used a mask this was probably a really dumb and unhealthy thing to do.  When I was done all the dust was sparkly from all the finely-ground shellac and I probably have lung cancer forming as we speak so good job me.

Veep is on in the background and I'm still wearing pajamas because I didn't shower all day.

After I primed and put on one coat things are definitely looking sexy.  The color was kinda hard for me to choose (SHOCKING, I KNOW).  It's not white although the afternoon light makes it look that way.  It's actually a pale grey - not a cold grey favored by cheap chevron prints everywhere but slightly warmer and more sophisticated.  Like cloudy with a chance of elegance.  

I was really drawn to Farrow & Ball's Cornforth White which of course I can't get around here so I found a comparable color at everyone's favorite girl next door, Benjamin Moore, called Collinwood.  Maybe this will help you to see?

I'm almost 110% certain they copied Farrow & Ball's color because those names are both equally jumbled in my mouth in too similar of a way for it to be a coincidence. 

I tried to underexpose this picture a bit so you can see the grey but now it just looks like a shitty picture.  But there's Charlemagne so it's not a total loss.

Despite this terrible picture the color really is amazing - as the sun went down it got cloudier and elegancier and I tried to show a bit of the contrast against my very practical styrofoam floor protectors.  I might have to paint my entire living room this color.  I can't stop staring at it as I type this...

Also, I was so pleased with how my china cabinet in my dining room turned out (remember this?) that I wanted to do an enamel again.  The nightstand is going to get some abuse so I need PERFORMANCE. I ended up using BM's Advanced Enamel paint which I can't recommend highly enough.  

Normally I don't give a flying Purdy fuck about paint types but lemme school ya:  this paint is a water-based alkyd (soap and water cleanup for an enamel) with low VOC and, not to sound like a commercial, exceptional leveling.  Like, after one coat I can't even see the brush strokes.  That second coat is probably going to be panty-creaming awesomeness.  There's nothing I despise more than painting trim but this looks so pretty I might repaint all my trim in this paint. 

However, a quart of each of the paint and primer set me back $50 so fuuuuuuck.  So much for my $3 table remaining cheap but it's way worth it.  This is most certainly not a sponsored plug for BM but this is how much I like this stuff.

Now onto other details that I'm just embarrassingly throwing my money at...

I fell in love with West Elm's agate knobs a few months ago and ordered them sight unseen from the interwebz!  Well low and behold they were kinda underwhelming when I got them in and they were on clearance so I couldn't return them.  I'm an idiot.

They actually look pretty here but in person they are almost clear and kinda milky - just not what the picture was in West Elm.  I'll try to reuse them for something else?  

Anyway, after that crushing reveal I couldn't shake the desire for a mineral-y pull of some kind so in a shopping rush I bought Anthropologie's Druzy Quartz knobs.

Now THESE are absolutely stunning in person and I think they would work really nicely with the nightstand BUT... they were $24 a piece.  OUCH.  The closest Anthro is 1.5 hours away so I just bought them on impulse because it was now or never.  I was also thinking a "splurge" would be a cool high/lo detail for the furniture BUT... I just can't do it.  I'm returning them.

Do you know how big of a REAL geode I can buy for $50??  A really fucking big one!  So I think I'd rather do that instead.

Also, I didn't move the hardware holes so now I'm kinda committed to the OG hardware (or at least that style):

Which looks totally fine and I like it.  They're actually brass but so tarnished they look almost black and I'm fine with it.  My lamp might be brass so I don't want too much shiny.  I can always change it later.

I'm still sad about the Anthro ones but there are some really cool geodes at my local antique mall so I think I need to go visit those to help soothe the sting of disappointment.

Right now I'm waiting on the first coat of paint to cure on the nightstand before I sand then I've got one more coat of paint before I'm done!  And if you're wondering the tray is looking about a million times better.  I'll share the final results of everything later of course.

If you're wondering why this bedroom project is taking so long it's because I spent all my money on plants for my garden this Spring.  I also can't find a lamp for my dresser that I like for $11 because that's all the money I have left to spend on it...  

Poop.

Oh yeah I also spent money on BEYONCE AND JAY Z TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not ashamed even a little bit!  Ain't tryna hear none of your Elevatorgate shade neither.  

All I'm trying to do is paint some furniture and pick out an outfit for the concert.  In July.

But next week I'm on staycation so I expect my headboard and other things will be given much attention then.

Sauce On The Run!

Christmas for all the grown women out there.

A mid-week holiday was so incredibly rude of the baby jeezus.  So I've still been celebrating through this past weekend and probably for another two weeks if I'm being honest.  Just gonna slowly close those curtains so my neighbors don't see my tree lights and keep on reading your holiday posts and pinning stuff for next year.  

I may even do some more crafts if I get a wild hair.  2014 will start off with a bang.  

Of glitter and yarn.

While I'm attempting to craft and binge watching old episodes of Buffy, here's a dump of what Christmas at the Ranch looked like this year.

There was a lot of twine and fuzzy things, just sayin.

And things that RAWR.

My local nursery.

Pretty much what my coffee table looks like all the time.  Open chocolate, tea, snakes and random shiny things.

For anyone who's wondering, Charlemagne could care less about the tree.  She has plenty outside that are much more exciting because critters live in them.  This one is only home to sparkle and pointy things.

Exhibit A:

Faux bois forever.

RED faux bois with gold coin bow.  This present was a square bellydancer.  It was my favorite.

There is never a rhyme or reason to mantle decoration - I just try to throw as much shit on there as humanly possible.  More is more for the holidays.  

Also, my life.

Forget crafting pom poms, Pinterest.  I found this great yarn at a junk store which I can't wait to use next year.  Or make a toy for Charlemagne.

Just kidding, she's too cool for toys.

I don't know what's going on here but it feels festive over on the sideboard.  I'm pretending that old cowboy is like a country Santa during the Great Depression and all the shit in front was collected from a cool person's trash pile.  It works in my head.

 I did manage to see a few lights this year which is my favorite thing to do.  The tackier the better.  These were from the Enchanted Garden at Rock City for you local people.  

Last year I made sriracha salt for gift and that went over really well so I kept with the spicy theme and made sriracha chex mix.  I know we're supposed to hate sriracha because it's too trendy but this is a small town and people still don't know how to pronounce it so I'm considered a gourmet chef.  I'll never do anything to jeopardize such a status.  Next year everyone's getting kale and they'll love it.

Also made some bacon jam since it was a hit earlier this year.  Meat paste is always a good gift.

A lot more people got meat paste this year because I had to scale back some of my holiday plans.  In mid December my car decided it needed several thousand dollars worth of repairs so there went your Christmas present.  If you were expecting a gift but didn't receive it I probably had to return it so I could get my vehicle back.  I'm sure you understand.

But all was soon forgotten because BEYONCE. 

Here

Fuck Dean Martin.  This is the only shit playing in my house this year.  What was holiday decorating just became a shrine and I'm totally okay with that.

Beyonce, Her Holiness of Glitter and Fatties, is of course my true shining star for the holiday season (and life) but shit got real this month.  Like, I cried. 

here

And then saw this moment and lost my damn mind.  

Now I do this every morning:

I spent my entire Christmas break reading black feminists and that was the best gift I could have gotten.  If you don't get it or understand why there's a fuss maybe start here.  Shout out to my girls @SoRefined and Fit and Feminist for being my support group during this glorious time.

Santa Claus who?  

here

Hope you had a holiday filled with as much joy as Beyonce has while dancing on a beach.

See y'all in 2014.  The year in which I take my cult Beyonce love to dangerous new heights.

And maybe even more dinosaurs.